Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Hills Recap: On The Love Boat

Apparently I prematurely stopped watching the last season of The Hills after Whitney interviewed with Diane von Furstenberg. I think I thought that was the final episode of the season, and up until LAST NIGHT I had no idea there were two Spencer/Heidi marriage episodes. Really. No clue!

I managed to catch the last 3 minutes of last season's final episode, however, and I feel like I pretty much got the gist (unless there was some more thrilling Nana drama that I missed). 

I'd say we're ready to dive into season 5. Shall we?

We begin by checking in with Heidi and Stephanie as they meet up for coffee and chat about Lauren's upcoming-- HOLY FRICKIN FRICK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MOUTH?

Good grief, it's gotten so that we can't make it 4 seconds into an episode without being startled by a cast member's latest plastic surgery adventures. Stephanie Pratt is like that classmate you had who came back from summer vacation looking like... Jennifer Coolidge?

Now, where was I? Oh, right. Heidi and Stephanie are talking about Lauren's birthday.

Heidi: Doesn't Lauren have a birthday coming up?
Stephanie: That's so cute that you remembered.
Heidi: Well we were best friends. And also it's her turn in the rotation. Every third week one of us has a big birthday party.
Stephanie: My how time flies...
Heidi: What are you guys doing for her special day?

Stephanie: Oh it's going to be an awesome surprise. We all signed up for this new reality series called Stuck On A Boat. It's about a group of twenty somethings who are invited to this party, but here's the twist...they're all--
Heidi: Stuck on a boat?
Stephanie: Yeah! Wanna come?
Heidi: You sure that wouldn't be weird?
Stephanie: Why, because the whole country knows she hates you?
Heidi: Yeah...
Stephanie: Nah. Pick you up at 8.

Meanwhile, co-conspirators Audrina and Lo pick up the birthday cake.

Audrina: I'm looking forward to the party, but...I'm not sure we made the best plans.
Lo: What do you mean? It's great. We're gonna be STUCK..ON...A BOAT!
Audrina: Why did you just say it like that?

Lo: That's how you say it when you're watching the show at home. Like WHEEL...OF...FORTUNE!
Audrina: Oh God. This was a big mistake.

That night, the non-ostracized ladies of the cast gather in a limo to toast champagne before shipping out.

Lauren: Gosh, it's so crazy you guys are planning a surprise birthday for me. I never would have expected this.
Lo: Surprise!
Audrina: You don't say that yet. Jeesh.
Lauren: I mean, how lucky am I? That my friends may have rented a mansion in Hollywood to throw me a party. I mean, or something else...  I don't know because it's a surprise.

Lo: Surprise!
Audrina: Pipe down, Skipper. She thinks we rented a mansion. She's going to shit a brick when she finds out we're gonna be stuck on a boat.

When the limo arrives at the marina, Lauren is escorted out in a blindfold. Considering this girl's insane trust issues, I find this a bit impressive.

Lo: Now take it easy. Right foot, left foot. Right foot, lef--
Lauren: That makes walking impossible!
Lo: Sorry.
Audrina: We're almost there.
Lauren: Where are we? I sense a gangbang.
Audrina: There's no gangbang.
Lauren: Is that (sniff sniff)...Is that a marina I smell?
Lo: Whaaaa? 
Lauren: Are we going on an effing boat?


Lauren: God damn it.

By the way, can we just stop for a sec to check out Holly playing the role of hot chick from an 80's movie?

And while we're paused here, can I also please say something about Lauren's unfortunate interest in red lipstick. I brought up my concern previously when Lauren was sporting it during her Paris romp. But I wasn't too hard on her because I thought maybe it had something to do with her trying to look more European.

But now there's no excuse. Go ahead with your unibraid, and your thick black eyeliner, and your unflattering strapless cocktail dresses that you "make yourself." Just stop with this.

Okay, moment's over. Aaand we're back.

Just in time to catch Spencer doing a little dance move.

He's out with his new pal Hot Dog Charlie. I don't know where this guy came from, but his coloring makes me think he's a Pratt. He's like a Spencerized version of Justin Bobby.  A golden oreo.

But more on them later. It's almost time for the booze cruise to set sail. 

Wait!  We can't leave without Heidi.

Heidi: I'm here! I'm here!

Outstanding. Let's pull up the anchor...and untie the ropes?... Does anyone know any nautical terminology? I apparently do not.

Toot toot! That's a steamboat noise. Toot! Horn! Pulling away horn!

Lo: So. You're here.
Heidi: Looks like it. This might have been a bad move.
Lo: No, I'm sure Lauren's really excited to deal with you all evening. We all are.

Heidi: Well there's nothing I can do now. Quite literally. I mean I'm stu--


Heidi: What the fuck was that?
Lo: The studio audience.

Back at the bar, Spencer and Hot Dog Charlie are downing tequila shots and Spencer is getting a little too forward with the bartender, Stacie.

Spencer: So what do I have to do to get you to dance on the bar?
Stacie: Not much!
Spencer: Specifically.
Stacie: Just play a good song.

Spencer: Like what?
Stacie: Ok I was trying to deflect your creepy questions with cutesie answers. I have to go wait on those guys at the other end of the bar.
Spencer: Oh yeah, bro. She wants me.
Hot Dog Charlie: Dude. Take it easy. Aren't you married?

Spencer: Imaginationly.
HDC: Why are you so shiny right now?
Spencer: It's just my protective sealant. You ever shared pillows with a woman who wears stage makeup to bed every night? It does a number on my pores. So I got this sealant to protect me. It's a lot like that plastic film on the screen of a new cellphone.

And then Spencer notices his sister's ex boyfriend Cameron sitting in a nearby booth and says hello. But the minute his back is turned, Cameron starts tattle-texting on Spencer, revealing to Stephanie that there is some seriously gross flirting going down.

Message received.

Stephanie: Oh Audrina you do NOT want to see the text I just read.
Audrina: Good because I'm busy with this poker game.
Stephanie: That's good because you did NOT want to see this.
Audrina: You mentioned that.
Stephanie: Yeah it is a craaazy text message.
Audrina: Fine. What.
Stephanie: Cameron says he's watching Spencer flirt with a bartender.

Audrina: Hmm. That's not good.
Stephanie: Ruh roh, here comes Heidi. Don't say ANYTHING.
Heidi: What's up guys?
Stephanie: Spencer's being a whore!

Ring ring. Ring ring.

Spencer: Sup babelicious?
Heidi: Are you flirting with some bartender?

Spencer: Psshhh.
Heidi: That is not an answer. Spencer, we are somewhat married. You can't be doing this.
Spencer: Who told you that? Was it Cameron?
Heidi: So you ARE flirting?
Spencer: Where are you? It's loud there.
Heidi: I'm at this party. I'm st--


Spencer: What was that?
Heidi: The god damn studio audience. I don't even know how they're seeing this.

Spencer: OK well I'm gonna go get in a lame-ass fight.
Heidi: Spencer, no. Bad Spencer.


Heidi: I wish I wasn't stu--


Spencer: So, bro. I hear you've been using texts for evil.
Cameron: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Spencer: Prepare to be rapidly jabbed.

Okay, I don't know how to best describe this fight. It was something like fist stabbing?

When word of the fight makes it back to Heidi, Lauren is just drunk enough to rush to her aid.

Lauren: I'm sorry. He sucks.
Heidi: He does suck. Hold me.
Lauren: Only if you say I was right.
Heidi: What's that now?
Lauren: About that prick. I was right. Say it.
Heidi: You were right.
Lauren: I'm so...I'm so happy to hear that.

Heidi: (between big gluey sobs) Oh gaaahhhd, you were ri-hi-hi-ight.
Lauren: I'm so drunk right now.

And with that we conclude our first, and last, episode of The Hills: Stuck On A Boat. We all know a Hills spinoff is a bad idea anyway.


Aartee said...

I still haven't seen the episode but your recap is probably 10 times better then the real thing!

Nicole oh-so Lovely said...

I just did an article on Stephanie Pratt for a photoshoot.

She's actually really nice.

And I have 'Hills' news.....it's pretty glorious.

stealthnerd said...

Haha okay, that was more amusing than the actual episode!

Anonymous said...

You forgot Lauren's line when someone told her Heidi and Stephanie left; "How did they leave, we're on a boat!"

Your recap is hilarious!!!

Katelin said...

hahaha this recap captured the first episode perfectly. did you watch the second episode that aired? it was almost more ridiculous than the first one.

Tia said...

i am SO GLAD that it's time for recaps again.

seriously. love it.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

YAY. I love your Hills recaps. Inappropriately. And awesomely.

miss minneapolis said...

I was wondering what was going on with Spencer's shiny, plastic face. Thanks for explaining the whole sealant thing - TOTALLY makes sense now!

miss minneapolis said...

And hey, fix your blogroll - my link is wrong! This is important! The most important thing ever!

Verification word: iship

Anonymous said...

i've never watched the Hills. why are they all so unattractive?

Anonymous said...

i have read all post and think you need to watch the hills online or you want to download this show. am i right? click here to catch it.