The Hills Recap: The One Where No One Gets Any...Ever.

Here I am, back from an accidental week off from Hills coverage.  And believe me, I've learned my lesson.  You see,  I skipped last week's episode, which was chock full of gloriously nonsensical conversation and adorably identifiable plot points.  And now I'm stuck with this week's stinker of an episode, chock full of dead air and Stephanie's stupid face.  

But oh well.  We must forge ahead.

The episode begins inside the mysterious walls of People's Revolution.  Whitney and Lauren are busy writing out price tags for all of Kelly's high fashion hideous nightmare clothes.

Lauren: Wait, is this the right price?
Whitney: I think it needs more zeroes.
Lauren: Good call.
Whitney: So I'm going to New York tomorrow.
Lauren: Really?  How come?
Whitney: Well when I got promoted yesterday Kelly told me I'd need to be ready to go to New York at a moments notice.  And I guess she meant we're goingk right away.  Thankfully I have no friends outside of work, so I had no plans to cancel.


Lauren: You got promoted?
Whitney: Yeah... Why?
Lauren: No, it's just interesting.  I mean, it's a show about me and here I am constantly following in your footsteps.  No promotions ever.  
Whitney: We can trade places if you want.  And you can be the one with a real job and then I can be the overpaid brat who designs a line of hideous dresses made entirely of jersey knit cotton.


Lauren: Okay, that's enough.
Whitney: I'm just sayingk your dresses look like my sheets.  Anyway, not to kick you while you're down, but how are things goingk with Doug?
Lauren: Not so good.
Whitney: (Sucks air in through teeth) Are you over it?
Lauren: It's not so much that I'm over it...I mean he's just as bland as anyone I've ever dated so I can deal with him...but I think it's about time I break up with a guy before he breaks up with me.  You know, for street cred.
Whitney: Yeah.  You were startingk to look pathetic.
Lauren: Exactly. Who does he think he is anyway? He's just a Laguna cameo. And I just remember liking him more than this the first time around. When I was 17. I'm just surprised I don't like him the same amount again.
Whitney: Yeah that is weird. Everyone likes the same things they liked in high school. So when are you goingk to end thingks?
Lauren: (Deep breath. Big sigh.) I guess at the end of the episode? After I tell everyone about it. And make him look like an ass.


The following day, Lauren meets Stephanie on their Fashion Institute campus to discuss a very important matter gunking up the works. See, last week Stephanie threw herself a little birthday bash, and Lo and Lauren were invited. All was well until Stephanie's beautifully evil brother Spencer showed up with Heidi, bearing gifts and attempting to make nice. This pissed Lauren off, as she felt Spencer had no good reason to be at his sister's birthday festivities. Clearly, Lauren's nemesis only reared his white-haired head to cause her undue distress.

Aaaaand action:

Stephanie: Good morning.
Lauren: What's up?
Stephanie: My brother disowned me.


Lauren: Cool.
Stephanie: Yeah, I mean, it's weird. He's like, my only brother so I sort of thought it would be cool if we spoke to one another.
Lauren: But he's an asshole. And he always has been. If you think about it, you'll realize.
Stephanie: No, I know you're right. He's always been a jerk. There was this one time I was sick with the flu and he set all my Barbie dolls on fire. I mean, it was hilarious and it cheered me up at the time but--
Lauren: But those were YOUR dolls. Don't you see?


Stephanie: Their little faces melting off...haha. (Clears throat, snaps out of it.) Yeah, no I see. Um, anyway, are we still friends?
Lauren: Let me think about it for a second.

Lauren looks off into the sky. Stephanie chews her fingernails and rocks back and forth.

Lauren: I have decided...
Stephanie: Yeah? Yeah?
Lauren: That we can still be friends. I deem you worthy, good sister. You may live.


Stephanie: Thankyou thankyou thankyou. You're such a good friend.
Lauren: If I wasn't your friend, I'd be nothing at all at this point.

Meanwhile, across the nation in New York City, Whitney's working at Kelly's side.

And this woman is wishing her ass wasn't caught on camera in this particular pair of pants:



When Whitney arrives at the office, Kelly practically falls to the ground.


Kelly: We're so damn busy I'm about to shit myself. Thank god you're here!
Whitney: Oh, wow. Okay well what can I do?
Kelly: Come with me. There are all of these guy models and they need to not wear shirts.
Whitney: I see.
Kelly: Move! Move! Move! For the love of all that is holy!

She runs off screaming like a madwoman and Whitney follows her to another room, where a bunch of male models are meandering around clothing racks like lost cattle.

Kelly: Hey, Other Girl. Looks who's here. It's Whitney!
Other Girl: Oh fabulous hell! Help me Rhonda! We need you NOOOOWW!
Kelly: NOW!
Other Girl: AAAHHH!
Whitney: Well it's a good thing I got promoted and ended up here. What can I do?
Other Girl: Take these models, and put them in onesies.
Whitney: Onesies? Wait. I thought they were supposed to be taking off their shirts.


Kelly: Don't undermine me, you little booger. I need them in onesies now. Glamorous, package-highlighting onesies.
Whitney: Um. Got it.
Kelly: Onesies, woman!
Whitney: I've. Got. It.

Whitney gets to work randomly pulling t-shirts and jeans and onesies off the clothing racks and handing them casually to the models. Thank heavens she showed up, or Kelly would've been forced to put her intern (or her 8 year old niece or that homeless guy hanging outside of their building) on this incredibly difficult job assignment. As Kelly eyes all of the models, one man in particular catches her eye.

Kelly: Hey you. What's your name?
Alex: It's Alex.


Kelly: Where are you from?
Alex: California. I went to USC.
Whitney: I went to USC.
Alex: Really?
Other model: I went to USC too.
Kelly: Shut up, dipshit. I'm talking to Alex for a reason.  Alex, please continue.
Alex: (To Whitney) What house were you in?
Whitney: I wasn't in a sorority. I was actually too rich to be in one, so...
Alex: Awesome.

And so Kelly, finding herself quite taken by this enchanting young man, invites Alex out for drinks with the People's Revolution.

Back in the city of angels, Spencer and Heidi go out for a romantic dinner. Spencer rolls up to the valet, looking as bad ass as ever.


Once seated, Speidi discovers they have even less to talk about than the public and the show's producer's speculated.

Heidi: So...
Spencer: It's nice to finally be out together with you. After your sister's 2 day visit I was beginning to worry we'd never have any time alone again.
Heidi: Well, at least my sister still likes me.
Spencer: Give me a few months. I can fix that.


Heidi: You know, maybe you should just get over yourself and make up with your sister.
Spencer: Make out with my sister? What's wrong with you, pig?
Heidi: I said make UP, not make OUT. And anyway, you're pathetic.
Spencer: I'll make UP with my sister the day she stops being friends with LC.
Heidi: Oh, that's the other thing I meant to nitpick you about. No one calls her LC anymore. That was so Laguna. Anyway, I just want you to know I miss spending time with Stephanie.
Spencer: Then go hang out with her. Just don't come home to me.


And then Spencer delivers his deliciously evil line of the episode: "Well, time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear."

I get chills, Spencer. I just get chills.



Later that night, Lauren's out on a date with her pseudo boyfriend Brody. And, much to my infinite glee, she is sporting a hairstyle with braids on BOTH sides of her head instead of her usual...um...onesie.


As soon as she sits down, Brody points out all of her bracelets and wants to know what they're about.

Lauren: (To left arm) These are my sparklies (then, to right arm) and these are my friendships.

In the voice of a 6 year old.  "These are my sparklies and these are my friendships."  I make 75 thousand dollars an episode.

Lauren then goes on about her friendship bracelets.

Lauren: This one's for my momma (gag me with a spoon) and this one's Stephanie.

To this, Brody conveys the same exact eye-rolling, exasperated, why-am-I-putting-myself-through-this? reaction that I felt while watching this episode.

Brody: Stephanie?  I just don't trust her.
Lauren: Yeah, you mentioned that. I don't see why not. There's nothing about her natural appearance that makes her seem oddly suspicious. It's not like you'd take one look at her laser-eyes and think "she's up to no good."


Brody: Fine. Just keep doing what yer doing.
Lauren: Hey, 1999 called. It wants its shirt back.
Brody: Hey, I'm rich and famous and I don't really give a shit called.  And it said to say what's up.
Lauren: That's not how the joke works.
Brody: You're not how the joke works.
Lauren: Brody!

And then homeboy decides to put the moves on her. Brody's actual line: "Can we talk about us getting naked tonight?"

Lauren, ever the ill-advised prude, turns him down. Turns him down! WTF? Ok, I admit that's a horrible line, but if it was delivered by the only guy who likes me, and that one and only prospect was actually pretty cute, and if my public was watching my show and beginning to wonder if I had some debilitating sex-phobia that prevented me from behaving like a normal 22 year old who gets drunk and hooks up with rich boys just so they can get a free meal...well then I'd take the bait. So just man up, Lauren Conrad.

Anyway, so back in NYC, Whitney waits in the lobby of a hotel to have drinks with her coworkers and newly-forced-upon-her model Alex. When he shows up, the two exchange a painfully awkward hug/cheek kiss combo, and then he sits down and launches into an even more uncomfortable conversation.


Alex: So did you guys book me for the job?
Whitney: Ah...uh,,,,
Alex: No. I'm kidding I'm kidding.
Whitney: Oh my gosh, you're hilarious!
Alex: But really. Did you book me?
Whitney: My phone's ringing.


And it's Kelly calling to let her know that she isn't coming and that Whitney will indeed need to fly solo on this little date she's arranged. I sense a love affair brewing!

Lauren's getting no love, meanwhile, as she shows up at Stephanie's apartment, ready for a night out on the town.


Stephanie: Wow you look so cute!
Lauren: I do? I wasn't sure. Usually Lo tells me that I look nice but she's been mysteriously absent all episode so I needed some reassurance.
Stephanie: Well trust me. You look good. Your outfit reminds me of this pirate wench Halloween costume I bought from Rite Aid when I was in 10th grade.
Lauren: Thanks.
Stephanie: I have no idea what I'm gonna wear though.
Lauren: Oh really? You're not dressed?  Then your loungewear is something else!



Stephanie: So...
Lauren: So...
Stephanie: So here we are on my couch. It's fun, huh?



Lauren: Yeah, I've been thinking I should get an eighth couch in my house.
Stephanie: It's lonely around here though. Sometimes I'm forced to talk to my hamster.
Lauren: I thought you had a guinea pig.
Stephanie: Whatever. Hamster/guinea pig/underfed servant boy.
Lauren: Well is he like this big?


Stephanie: Yeah.
Lauren: Then it's a guinea pig.
Stephanie: Thank god it's not a servant boy.  I didn't wanna have to pay him.
Lauren: You pay yours? 

Stephanie: No! Hahahaha.
Lauren: You're hilarious!

The following day, Stephanie drops by Heidi and Spencer's apartment and she brings a peace offering.


Spencer: I don't know, Steph. The packaging's a little...loud.
Stephanie: But it's fun. And Lauren helped me pick it out and--
Spencer: What? Who did what now?
Stephanie: Um. Nothing. Please just open my present.
Spencer: Fine.

Spencer rummages around in giant gift bag. Produces book on the C.I.A.


Spencer: Alright. This isn't half bad.
Stephanie: Yay! I knew you'd like it.
Spencer: You know, since I don't work, I spend my 24 hours a day of free time reading books. I'm up to a 9th grade reading level now.


Stephanie: Good for you!
Spencer: And I've been so into the C.I.A. lately. Some effed up stuff. Did you know that they are fully aware and can prove the existence of alien life, but they're hiding it from citizens?
Stephanie: Everyone knows that.
Spencer: Did you also know that a few years ago members of the C.I.A. met with top television executives to create an irresistable program about a group of uninteresting overprivileged kids who just sit around and shoot the shit in one another's apartments? It was part of an experiment to see how many working drones out there would waste their time watching the show.
Stephanie: Really? And did the experiment work?
Spencer: Pretty much. C.I.A. operatives found that the subjects who became most obsessed with the program were the talented, intelligent ones who could probably find a better use for their time.

Stephanie: That's fascinating.

Spencer: You think so?

Stephanie: Not really.  I don't care about anything. 

And then the episode finally begins to wrap up. "But wait," you interrupt. "I thought Lauren hated Doug now. Isn't she supposed to break up with him?"

Yes, of course. And so she shows up at his appropriately sized bachelor pad to break the news.



Lauren: Thanks for inviting me over.
Doug: After you didn't return my calls for a few weeks I got nervous. But I feel better now because I know that when someone drives over just to talk after being completely unavailable for a period of time, it's usually because they're looking to get some.


Lauren: Right. Well, um. I just wanted to say...Hey, do you mind if I don't look at you for the rest of the time I'm here?
Doug: No problemo, babetard.


Lauren: Thanks. I've been thinking and--
Doug: Hey, do you want some garlic bread by the way? I just ordered some lunch and I feel bad that I didn't get you anything.
Lauren: No, Doug. That's fine. As I was saying, I have been thinking and I'm just not sure I see this working between us.
Doug: That's bullshit. We were obviously having a good time. Here, have some garlic bread and shut up.
Lauren: I don't want your god damn bread, Doug. I want you to listen to me. This isn't working. There are no sparks. There's no chemistry. We can be friends, but I don't see us being more. There's no future. Do you understand?



Doug: Not really.
Lauren: I don't want your bone...dude.
Doug: Ouch. Not cool.
Lauren: Sorry.
Doug: Well whatever. Can I just hug you good bye so you leave now? If we're not gonna do it then I'd like to get back to this lunch. Killer alfredo!
Lauren: Very well. Good bye, Doug. I look forward to being your friend. And I'm sure you'll come to treasure our friendship. I am, after all, a good good friend.
Doug: K, skanktastic my food's getting cold. Peace.

Victory!

Hi friends.   Here we are, one week since the last Hills episode, and I've yet to write a recap. 

And now tonight a brand new one will air, and I'll have to cover that one too.  At this stage, I feel like what's the point in dealing with the last one?  So let's make a deal, and pretend last week's episode never happened, and I'll vow to cover this week's in a more timely fashion.

Deal?  No?  Well too bad.

In my defense, I've had a lot going on.  For instance, last night I ran a 10k.  Some of you already know this because you follow me on Twitter (my latest obsession).  It was the Nike Human Race, and Los Angeles was just one of many cities around the world running on the same day.  

I signed up for it in kind of a vengeful move after I quit my training group for a different race because they were greedy bastards (or because I didn't like their rules).  After signing up for the 10k, I ran regularly for about 2 weeks.  Then I got lazy.  And then I got super lazy.   And then every time I'd drag my fat ass off my couch and go running, I'd be panting, practically falling over, and going at the fantastic speed of 35 minutes per mile.   As a result, I seriously doubted my ability to run a 10k, which equals 6.2 miles.  

Then on Thursday, I went online to the race's website to peruse the final details for the Sunday event.  It was then that I noticed, for the first time, that the race started at 8:31 pm.  P! M! I can't tell you exactly why but this pissed me off.  I suppose I envisioned that everyone else would be hanging out, engaging in Labor Day fun times, and I'd be like "Well, bye guys, I'm off to run around til I pass out."  

It's just that I preferred the traditional race timeframe.   You wake up early and get it out of the way.  So I called my friend Annemarie, who I was supposed to race with, and said "The race is at night.  That's stupid.  I'm not doing it."  She assured me she was fine if we skipped it.   I was glad to hear this, but also wanted to hear that she too was irrationally furious about the start time.  "Don't you think it's stupid?!"  I persisted.  "I guess.  Well, let's just see what happens."

The following morning, having stewed on the matter all night, I concluded that I needed to stop being a big, whining, useless human and take part in this amazing worldwide event.  

So Saturday night, Devin and I hung out with some friends of ours, and I drank entirely too much wine.  And smoked a few cigarettes.  And woke up feeling disgusting, and nauseated, and sluggish.   And my throat hurt and I was coughing.  I made my way off the bed and onto the couch, where I lay staring at the ceiling thinking to myself, "Well...that was a dumb move.  And now I've gotta run later."  

After moping around for a few hours, Devin asked, "Are you still going to do that race?" 

"Yes."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes.  Because if I don't do it then it means that drinking got in the way of doing something I wanted.  And then it means I have a drinking problem.  But if I go to the race, then everything's fine."

And so at 6:30 I picked up Annemarie and we headed to the USC/downtown area to gather for the event.  Immediately I knew I'd made the right decision.  I felt great.  

Here we are before the race:

And here are some of the other 12,000 runners wearing matching shirts.


The picture was taken earlier in the evening before everyone had gathered so it doesn't quite capture how insane it looks to see so many identically dressed people grouped together.  

And then, at 8:31pm, we were off!  It was actually really fun to be running around in a huge mob during the night.  People came out of their houses and stood on their front lawns, confused but still eager to cheer.

During the race, everything basically went fine.  At about 5 miles, I started to get a headache and then worried I was going to be one of those people you hear about on the news that's always perfectly healthy and then while they're running a race they suddenly collapse of a brain aneurism or an undetected heart defect.    But before I let myself get totally carried away, I concluded that probably I just needed a little sugar boost.  I remembered that I put a free sample of gummy energy boosters in my pocket.   They were handing the little packets out before the race.  So I reached in and grabbed the little gummies.   There were two, and each was about the size of 5 gummy bears mushed together.  

I guess I underestimated how much I was relying on my mouth to breathe at this point. Because while it was preoccupied with chewing the massive gummy, I couldn't breathe at all.  So for a few seconds, I panicked while making odd breathing noises like a pug.  Still, I didn't want to spit out the dern thing because I really needed the sugar boost.  

Fortunately, I survived the gummy attack.  Though if I had to write a review of this new product, I'd classify them as "tasty, effective, but really dangerous."  

I finished the race in, officially, 1 hour and 2 mins.   I checked my time online this morning.  A perfect 10 minute mile.  (And 4 minutes shorter than the time I originally calculated after I crossed the finish line.)  I don't know, it must have been the collective adrenaline of all those other runners, but I felt great the whole time.  

I tried to get a picture of me and Annemarie after the race, holding up our beers and saying "Cheers!" to crossing the finish line, but I kept screwing up the cellphone self portrait and after 4 attempts, I just wanted to focus on my drink and my french fries so I gave up.  

The night ended with a concert by Kanye West and Common.  I was sort of indifferent about watching it, but it was a really great show.

And that is the story of the first time in a long time that I actually accomplished something.  

Twitter

Hi all.

Yes, I'm still around. No, I haven't taken a fabulous vacation to a land with no internets. (Not that having no internet would be fabulous. That would suck. But a vacation would be nice.)

And no, I'm not drunk right now!

I've been insanely busy at work. You may not know this, but I'm terribly important.

Anyway, in an oddly quiet moment at the office I signed up for Twitter. Should be fun, I think. But I don't know how it works. So I don't know of any way for people to start "following" me unless you click "follow me on twitter" on that little widget on my blog page. So...have at it!

Whee!

Buzzin: Fishing For Compliments

Latest recap up. Here.

Sorry I've been so absent all week. I'm sure you're crushed. I've been very busy.

Just wanted to say that last night during the MSNBC news coverage of the Democratic National Convention, there was a guy in the crowd behind the anchor, walking back and forth and holding a sign that read "Bring Back Crystal Pepsi." I was too slow to react and get a picture, but thankfully someone else did and I tracked it down. (Bless you, interwebs.)

The Hills Recap: LO-ser

The first episode of The Hills Season 4 was tucked snugly into an overblown premiere party on the beach, hosted by some Australian chick I've never seen before, and featuring the cast members all dolled up and ready to talk about themselves. It was a brilliant overdose.

At about 9:58pm, just before unveiling the goods at 10, the host asked Lauren, Audrina and Whitney to offer up one word to describe season 4. Whitney said, "Thrilling." Audrina, "Romance." And Lauren said, "Emotional."

So get ready for more of Lauren's freaking emotions. It's time for season 4!

The episode begins with the obligatory recap of the last episode. Only this time, they throw in a few scenes that never happened last season. One scene is a brief exchange between Brent Bolthouse and Heidi where he fires her ass for abandoning him and his project in Vegas.

Just kidding, actually he just says, "You'll have to do better." Dodged a bullet there, Heidster.

Then there is a scene between Spencer and Heidi where he tells her she won't regret her decision to give him another chance.

Of course she won't...

And now we're up to speed, courtesy of a few staged scenes conjured up by the producers to cover what was missed during the off-season.

Over at People's Revolution, Whitney and Lauren are keeping busy with their high-powered jobs in fashion. They wander over to a rack of jeans. Whitney remarks, "Ooo these got all messed up." And so, they sort them.

And while they sort, they chat. First they cover the basics, with Lauren establishing that things are still tense in her house with Audrina and Lo. But that's old news. Lauren has bigger things to bring to the table.

She has...a date!

Whitney: A date?

Lauren: A date!

Whitney: Wow. Tell me everythingk.

Lauren: Well I met him when I was in high school. We dated when I was 18.

Whitney: ...oh.

Lauren: He went to a different school and I went to his prom, actually.

Whitney: How precious...

Lauren: You don't seem excited. Aren't you excited?

Whitney: It's just...You keep going back to guys you've known since you were in high school and it sort of never works out. You remember Jason?

Whitney: And Stephen?


Lauren: So? Doug is different. Did I mention he didn't go to my high school?

Having lived in Los Angeles for several years, let me assure you that this city is chock full of the sort of hair-styled, expensive t-shirt wearing douchebags that make Lauren's heart race. There is no good reason why she can't find a new one.

But alas, she's hung up on Doug. She's postively giddy. And to see her friend happy makes Whitney happy too. Which is why she pulls this move:

You might recognize this face from that time you ran up to your 3 year old niece, threatening to tickle her and saying "I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!"

In other news, Heidi's back at fake work at sbe. Thank goodness she was able to find a balance between work and play, between gabbing sessions with Kimberly and catering to Spencer's maniacal whims. Young women, take note. She is a prime example of how you too can have it all.

Today, she's telling Kimberly how Spencer just moved back into the apartment (that he owns) with her, but now her sister (what sister?) is coming to stay with them.

Heidi: It's just the worst possible timing.

Kimberly: Yeah, siblings can be so inconvenient.

Heidi: He doesn't know she's coming. And she doesn't know that he's there. And he doesn't know that she exists. And she doesn't know where I live. And I don't know who I am any more.

Kimberly: Right.

I can't help but wonder why someone who has her own clothing line is still bopping around at her regular office gig. Isn't she awfully busy designing short-shorts and jeans with little silver charm danglies?

Meanwhile, in a questionably authentic office situation across town, Audrina is chatting with her coworker. The ever-forgettable coworker with the impossible to remember name, Chiara.

Audrina: On Sunday my roommates are throwing a birthday party for me. Wanna come?

Chiara: Lauren's throwing you a birthday party?

Audrina: Yeah.

Chiara: That's gonna be interesting...

Audrina: What's interesting is your response to my invitation. I'm trying to be nice and you're throwing this shit my way.

Chiara: It's just that--

Audrina: It's just nothing. Do you know how lucky you are to be invited? Do you know who I am? Of course you do. Everyone does. And who knows who you are. I doubt anyone knows the name Carada.

Chiara: It's Chiara.

Audrina: Charara, Chupacabra. Whatever.

Chiara: Sorry.

Audrina: Anyway, what I was trying to say is Lo's a bitch.

Chiara: She is.

So, Heidi meant to get home from work before her sister arrived so she could prep Spencer for her sister's impromptu stay with a little nonchalant, "Oh by the way..."

Sadly, Heidi did not manage to accomplish this.

And cue our latest Hills star, Holly.

So Holly shows up at Spencer's doorstep out of nowhere and after a few minutes of discussion and the presentation of her birth certificate and family photos to establish that yes she does, in fact, exist, she's allowed to enter. Then for 2 hours she plays with her hair while Spencer and his regrown white facial hair play a little Madden.

And then Heidi gets home.

She walks in, notices the uncomfortable scenario, but tries to act natural. The sisters hug, and Heidi looks over to see Spencer all but flipping his beloved girlfriend the bird.

Heidi: I'm so glad you're heeeeeere.

Holly: Me too.

Heidi: Make yourself at hoooooome.

Holly: Well I can try. Can I have something to drink? I'm so thirsty.

Heidi: Of course. Didn't Spencer offer you anything?

Holly: I asked for some water but he said it was for members only. I don't know what that means. And then he said we were going to play the silent game. It wasn't very fun but I think I'm good at it.

Spencer: Not good enough.

Heidi: Okay! Why don't you go in the other room and change?

Holly: But I don't need to change my clothes.

Heidi: Really?

Spencer wanders into the bedroom and Heidi knows she's in big trouble. She excuses herself to go check on him and finds him sprawled across the bed, ready to deliver the speech he's been rehearsing while pretending to play video games. He tells Heidi how it's bad timing and he just moved back in and they are trying to fix things. Heidi, exasperated, just asks him to be nice. And in response, he offers up: That's my middle name.

Oh, Spence. You're so marvelously evil! I heart you.

Later that evening, Lauren gets ready for her big date with high school Doug. She's just put the finishing touches on that damn signature side braid of hers when Lo appears in the doorway of the bathroom.

Lauren: How do I look?

Lo: You're so pretty.

Lauren: Yeah?

Lo: I'd date you.

Lauren: Ha...okay.

Lo: Really?

Lauren: Really what?

Lo: Really I can date you?

Lauren: I was kidding.

Lo: Of course. Hahahahahahahahahaha. HA. So was I!

Doug, who reminds me a of Patrick Wilson, picks Lauren up and they head off for a romantic dinner.



Trying to force the conversation on the ride to the restaurant, Lauren brings up the pair's high school days.

Lauren: Do you remember every time I used to drive by your house, I'd call you and tell you to come out?

Doug: Yeah, I remember. Boy I thought that was really...something. You sure did just happen to pass by my house quite a lot.

Lauren: Well it was on the way.

Doug: It was up a 3 mile private road in the canyon.

Lauren: That was fun. Ah, memories.

They arrive at the restaurant and get situated. And the painful conversation rolls on.

Doug: So...what have you been up to the past four years?

Lauren: I know. It's been so long I feel like we have so much to catch up on.

Doug: Yeah.

Lauren: Well, I've been starring on this show called The Hills.

Doug: Really? What's it about?

Lauren: It's about me and my life and my friends and the guys I meet. You're actually on it right now.

Doug: Oh yeah?

Lauren: See the cameras?

Doug: No I hadn't noticed. I have lousy peripheral vision. Bad spray tanning accident.

Lauren: That's so sad.

The following morning, Spencer wakes up and walks out of his bedroom to find not one, but two blondes standing in the kitchen.

Holly, in her continuing peace efforts, offers Spencer some breakfast.

[Actual dialogue alert]

Spencer: Is that breakfast right there? (Looks at plate of food.)

Holly: Yeah.

Spencer: Then I'm gonna have to say pass.

Heidi, humiliated and hurt by his 'tude, tells him he better shape up and be nice to her sister.

Spencer: Mind your own business.

Heidi: This is my business. And you know what, Mr. Famous, you're nothing without me. It's Speidi. So don't forget who's Eidi.

Looks like it's going to be another disastrous day in their neighborhood. But at Casa de Lauren, things are a bit more lighthearted. It's time for Audrina's birthday BBQ. The guests are arriving, Lauren's hard at work prepping the food and drinks, and Lo's shuffling around the kitchen making pouty faces.

Lo: I don't know anybody here.

Lauren: Neither do I.

Lo: Are these all Audrina's friends from work?

Lauren: Some of them, yes. Some are extras. Some are contest winners. I think. I don't know. Just try to have fun.

Lo: I don't wanna.

Audrina wanders into the kitchen and Lo asks her who, exactly, is swimming in their pool and lounging in their lounge chairs.

Audrina: They're people I hang out with when I don't go out with you guys.

Lo: Welp. We'll just have to enjoy the company that comes.

The speechless and fed up Audrina walks back outside, leaving a petrified Lauren in her wake. Today's bonding efforts are not going as planned.

While that whole gang drowns their sorrows in Bacardi mojito mixers, Heidi takes Holly out for an L.A. makeover. No, don't worry, she's not getting a boob job. Yet. Just some little hair extensions.

While some stranger's locks are being glued to her head, Holly asks Heidi if she ever misses Lauren. Heidi goes quiet and weird. Uh-oh...do I feel a reunion coming on?

The next day, fresh-haired Holly says goodbye to her sister. "I had the best time in my whole life." Wow, I hope I never qualify a half-assed makeover and a weekend spent avoiding my sister's boyfriend as the best time of my life.

Holly: Maybe I should just move out here.

(Spencer slams taxicab's trunk shut. He remains silent.)

Heidi: Really! That would be awesome. Where would you stay?

Holly: I hadn't thought about it, but maybe with you for a little while.

Spencer: Seems like you thought about it, then.

Heidi: Oh shut up nobody's talking to you.

After the cab drives away, Heidi is left alone, once again, with Spencer.

At People's Revolution, Lauren's filling Whitney in on all of the party details.

Lauren: Lo's trying so hard, but it's just not working.

Whitney: So she hung out and met some of Audrina's friends?

Lauren: No. She was mostly upstairs in her room, but I could tell she really felt like she was putting in an effort.

Whitney: Sounds about right.

Lauren: And while I was dealing with her, I had to ignore Doug. And that's where I draw the line. When someone starts getting in the way of my desperate romances, I need to put my foot down. So I told Lo she has to talk to Audrina.

Ever the obedient lady in waiting, Lo does as she's told and walks from the main house to Audrina's guest house for a serious heart to heart.

Lo: Hey how are you?

Audrina: Um. Good.

Lo: Did you have fun at the party?

Audrina: I had a great time, actually. At one point--

Lo: That's nice. I wanted to come talk to you and apologize for being absent at your birthday. It's just, I feel that we all moved in together and we're supposed to be friends and it's not happening.

Audrina: No, it's certainly not.

Lo: And it's obvious that I'm trying extremely hard to be your best pal.

Audrina: Oh don't pull that shit with me. I know I was really dumb in the second season and most of the third, but now I've had a character change and I'm sharp as a tack.

Lo: I see.

Audrina: And I would be your friend but you never talk to me because you're so obsessed with Lauren that it makes me scared for her.

Lo: I have no idea what you're talking about. You must be mistaken.

Audrina: Shhyeah.

Lo: Look, I came out here to make and effort and to tell you this is all your fault and that you need to fix it because otherwise Lauren will be super pissed at me and I just couldn't handle that. (Starts weeping.) I just couldn't handle that!

Audrina: Ah-ha! You are obsessed with her. Listen to yourself.

Lo: I may be obsessed but at least she still talks to me.

Audrina: Hey, Lo?

Lo: What.

Audrina: I just wanted to tell you that you look really pretty in the opening credits of The Hills.

Lo: I'm not in the opening credits.

Audrina: Exactly.