Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Hills Recap: LO-ser

The first episode of The Hills Season 4 was tucked snugly into an overblown premiere party on the beach, hosted by some Australian chick I've never seen before, and featuring the cast members all dolled up and ready to talk about themselves. It was a brilliant overdose.

At about 9:58pm, just before unveiling the goods at 10, the host asked Lauren, Audrina and Whitney to offer up one word to describe season 4. Whitney said, "Thrilling." Audrina, "Romance." And Lauren said, "Emotional."

So get ready for more of Lauren's freaking emotions. It's time for season 4!

The episode begins with the obligatory recap of the last episode. Only this time, they throw in a few scenes that never happened last season. One scene is a brief exchange between Brent Bolthouse and Heidi where he fires her ass for abandoning him and his project in Vegas.

Just kidding, actually he just says, "You'll have to do better." Dodged a bullet there, Heidster.

Then there is a scene between Spencer and Heidi where he tells her she won't regret her decision to give him another chance.

Of course she won't...

And now we're up to speed, courtesy of a few staged scenes conjured up by the producers to cover what was missed during the off-season.

Over at People's Revolution, Whitney and Lauren are keeping busy with their high-powered jobs in fashion. They wander over to a rack of jeans. Whitney remarks, "Ooo these got all messed up." And so, they sort them.

And while they sort, they chat. First they cover the basics, with Lauren establishing that things are still tense in her house with Audrina and Lo. But that's old news. Lauren has bigger things to bring to the table.

She has...a date!

Whitney: A date?
Lauren: A date!

Whitney: Wow. Tell me everythingk.
Lauren: Well I met him when I was in high school. We dated when I was 18.
Whitney: ...oh.
Lauren: He went to a different school and I went to his prom, actually.
Whitney: How precious...

Lauren: You don't seem excited. Aren't you excited?
Whitney: It's just...You keep going back to guys you've known since you were in high school and it sort of never works out. You remember Jason?

Whitney: And Stephen?

Lauren: So? Doug is different. Did I mention he didn't go to my high school?

Having lived in Los Angeles for several years, let me assure you that this city is chock full of the sort of hair-styled, expensive t-shirt wearing douchebags that make Lauren's heart race. There is no good reason why she can't find a new one.

But alas, she's hung up on Doug. She's postively giddy. And to see her friend happy makes Whitney happy too. Which is why she pulls this move:

You might recognize this face from that time you ran up to your 3 year old niece, threatening to tickle her and saying "I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!"

In other news, Heidi's back at fake work at sbe. Thank goodness she was able to find a balance between work and play, between gabbing sessions with Kimberly and catering to Spencer's maniacal whims. Young women, take note. She is a prime example of how you too can have it all.

Today, she's telling Kimberly how Spencer just moved back into the apartment (that he owns) with her, but now her sister (what sister?) is coming to stay with them.

Heidi: It's just the worst possible timing.
Kimberly: Yeah, siblings can be so inconvenient.
Heidi: He doesn't know she's coming. And she doesn't know that he's there. And he doesn't know that she exists. And she doesn't know where I live. And I don't know who I am any more.
Kimberly: Right.

I can't help but wonder why someone who has her own clothing line is still bopping around at her regular office gig. Isn't she awfully busy designing short-shorts and jeans with little silver charm danglies?

Meanwhile, in a questionably authentic office situation across town, Audrina is chatting with her coworker. The ever-forgettable coworker with the impossible to remember name, Chiara.

Audrina: On Sunday my roommates are throwing a birthday party for me. Wanna come?
Chiara: Lauren's throwing you a birthday party?
Audrina: Yeah.
Chiara: That's gonna be interesting...

Audrina: What's interesting is your response to my invitation. I'm trying to be nice and you're throwing this shit my way.
Chiara: It's just that--
Audrina: It's just nothing. Do you know how lucky you are to be invited? Do you know who I am? Of course you do. Everyone does. And who knows who you are. I doubt anyone knows the name Carada.

Chiara: It's Chiara.
Audrina: Charara, Chupacabra. Whatever.
Chiara: Sorry.
Audrina: Anyway, what I was trying to say is Lo's a bitch.
Chiara: She is.

So, Heidi meant to get home from work before her sister arrived so she could prep Spencer for her sister's impromptu stay with a little nonchalant, "Oh by the way..."

Sadly, Heidi did not manage to accomplish this.

And cue our latest Hills star, Holly.

So Holly shows up at Spencer's doorstep out of nowhere and after a few minutes of discussion and the presentation of her birth certificate and family photos to establish that yes she does, in fact, exist, she's allowed to enter. Then for 2 hours she plays with her hair while Spencer and his regrown white facial hair play a little Madden.

And then Heidi gets home.

She walks in, notices the uncomfortable scenario, but tries to act natural. The sisters hug, and Heidi looks over to see Spencer all but flipping his beloved girlfriend the bird.

Heidi: I'm so glad you're heeeeeere.
Holly: Me too.
Heidi: Make yourself at hoooooome.
Holly: Well I can try. Can I have something to drink? I'm so thirsty.
Heidi: Of course. Didn't Spencer offer you anything?
Holly: I asked for some water but he said it was for members only. I don't know what that means. And then he said we were going to play the silent game. It wasn't very fun but I think I'm good at it.
Spencer: Not good enough.
Heidi: Okay! Why don't you go in the other room and change?
Holly: But I don't need to change my clothes.
Heidi: Really?

Spencer wanders into the bedroom and Heidi knows she's in big trouble. She excuses herself to go check on him and finds him sprawled across the bed, ready to deliver the speech he's been rehearsing while pretending to play video games. He tells Heidi how it's bad timing and he just moved back in and they are trying to fix things. Heidi, exasperated, just asks him to be nice. And in response, he offers up: That's my middle name.

Oh, Spence. You're so marvelously evil! I heart you.

Later that evening, Lauren gets ready for her big date with high school Doug. She's just put the finishing touches on that damn signature side braid of hers when Lo appears in the doorway of the bathroom.

Lauren: How do I look?
Lo: You're so pretty.
Lauren: Yeah?
Lo: I'd date you.
Lauren: Ha...okay.
Lo: Really?
Lauren: Really what?
Lo: Really I can date you?
Lauren: I was kidding.
Lo: Of course. Hahahahahahahahahaha. HA. So was I!

Doug, who reminds me a of Patrick Wilson, picks Lauren up and they head off for a romantic dinner.

Trying to force the conversation on the ride to the restaurant, Lauren brings up the pair's high school days.

Lauren: Do you remember every time I used to drive by your house, I'd call you and tell you to come out?
Doug: Yeah, I remember. Boy I thought that was really...something. You sure did just happen to pass by my house quite a lot.
Lauren: Well it was on the way.
Doug: It was up a 3 mile private road in the canyon.
Lauren: That was fun. Ah, memories.

They arrive at the restaurant and get situated. And the painful conversation rolls on.

Doug: So...what have you been up to the past four years?
Lauren: I know. It's been so long I feel like we have so much to catch up on.

Doug: Yeah.
Lauren: Well, I've been starring on this show called The Hills.
Doug: Really? What's it about?
Lauren: It's about me and my life and my friends and the guys I meet. You're actually on it right now.
Doug: Oh yeah?
Lauren: See the cameras?

Doug: No I hadn't noticed. I have lousy peripheral vision. Bad spray tanning accident.
Lauren: That's so sad.

The following morning, Spencer wakes up and walks out of his bedroom to find not one, but two blondes standing in the kitchen.

Holly, in her continuing peace efforts, offers Spencer some breakfast.
[Actual dialogue alert]
Spencer: Is that breakfast right there? (Looks at plate of food.)
Holly: Yeah.
Spencer: Then I'm gonna have to say pass.

Heidi, humiliated and hurt by his 'tude, tells him he better shape up and be nice to her sister.

Spencer: Mind your own business.
Heidi: This is my business. And you know what, Mr. Famous, you're nothing without me. It's Speidi. So don't forget who's Eidi.

Looks like it's going to be another disastrous day in their neighborhood. But at Casa de Lauren, things are a bit more lighthearted. It's time for Audrina's birthday BBQ. The guests are arriving, Lauren's hard at work prepping the food and drinks, and Lo's shuffling around the kitchen making pouty faces.

Lo: I don't know anybody here.
Lauren: Neither do I.
Lo: Are these all Audrina's friends from work?
Lauren: Some of them, yes. Some are extras. Some are contest winners. I think. I don't know. Just try to have fun.
Lo: I don't wanna.

Audrina wanders into the kitchen and Lo asks her who, exactly, is swimming in their pool and lounging in their lounge chairs.

Audrina: They're people I hang out with when I don't go out with you guys.

Lo: Welp. We'll just have to enjoy the company that comes.

The speechless and fed up Audrina walks back outside, leaving a petrified Lauren in her wake. Today's bonding efforts are not going as planned.

While that whole gang drowns their sorrows in Bacardi mojito mixers, Heidi takes Holly out for an L.A. makeover. No, don't worry, she's not getting a boob job. Yet. Just some little hair extensions.
While some stranger's locks are being glued to her head, Holly asks Heidi if she ever misses Lauren. Heidi goes quiet and weird. Uh-oh...do I feel a reunion coming on?

The next day, fresh-haired Holly says goodbye to her sister. "I had the best time in my whole life." Wow, I hope I never qualify a half-assed makeover and a weekend spent avoiding my sister's boyfriend as the best time of my life.

Holly: Maybe I should just move out here.
(Spencer slams taxicab's trunk shut. He remains silent.)
Heidi: Really! That would be awesome. Where would you stay?
Holly: I hadn't thought about it, but maybe with you for a little while.
Spencer: Seems like you thought about it, then.
Heidi: Oh shut up nobody's talking to you.

After the cab drives away, Heidi is left alone, once again, with Spencer.

At People's Revolution, Lauren's filling Whitney in on all of the party details.

Lauren: Lo's trying so hard, but it's just not working.
Whitney: So she hung out and met some of Audrina's friends?

Lauren: No. She was mostly upstairs in her room, but I could tell she really felt like she was putting in an effort.
Whitney: Sounds about right.
Lauren: And while I was dealing with her, I had to ignore Doug. And that's where I draw the line. When someone starts getting in the way of my desperate romances, I need to put my foot down. So I told Lo she has to talk to Audrina.

Ever the obedient lady in waiting, Lo does as she's told and walks from the main house to Audrina's guest house for a serious heart to heart.

Lo: Hey how are you?
Audrina: Um. Good.
Lo: Did you have fun at the party?
Audrina: I had a great time, actually. At one point--
Lo: That's nice. I wanted to come talk to you and apologize for being absent at your birthday. It's just, I feel that we all moved in together and we're supposed to be friends and it's not happening.

Audrina: No, it's certainly not.
Lo: And it's obvious that I'm trying extremely hard to be your best pal.
Audrina: Oh don't pull that shit with me. I know I was really dumb in the second season and most of the third, but now I've had a character change and I'm sharp as a tack.
Lo: I see.
Audrina: And I would be your friend but you never talk to me because you're so obsessed with Lauren that it makes me scared for her.
Lo: I have no idea what you're talking about. You must be mistaken.
Audrina: Shhyeah.

Lo: Look, I came out here to make and effort and to tell you this is all your fault and that you need to fix it because otherwise Lauren will be super pissed at me and I just couldn't handle that. (Starts weeping.) I just couldn't handle that!
Audrina: Ah-ha! You are obsessed with her. Listen to yourself.
Lo: I may be obsessed but at least she still talks to me.
Audrina: Hey, Lo?
Lo: What.
Audrina: I just wanted to tell you that you look really pretty in the opening credits of The Hills.
Lo: I'm not in the opening credits.
Audrina: Exactly.


fort knocks said...

[drops spoon, leans back with glazed-over eyes]

Anonymous said...

Haha, the best part of the Hills being back on, is your recaps!

mindy said...

Sweet jesus, lady, you are funny. Possibly my favorite:
"Bad spray tanning accident."

Muffy Willowbrook said...

So glad the recaps are back. I vow not to even watch the real show and just read your version instead. It is so much more interesting.

Lizzie M said...

Yeaaaa for The Hills recaps!

I actually met a girl this past weekend (in a hot tub at a Courtyard by Marriott in Grand Junction, CO--but that is neither here nor there) who grew up in Crested Butte, CO and claimed to have gone to high school with Heidi (supposedly they were arch nemeses!). It was a good story but not sure I bought it...

margottobed said...

yesss i love when you do this and i don't have to watch the showw! haha

Hollywood Sucker said...

fort knocks- Next time you have ice cream sundaes, bring enough for the rest of us.

sandy- Thanks!

mindy- Hey. That accident isn't funny to Doug.

Muffy- Oh but you must do both. Pretty people are so fun to watch.

lizzie- Gosh. That girl just makes enemies everywhere she goes. Also, I'm impressed that more than one family lives in Crested Butte.

margot- glad to save you some time.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

I effing love you for doing these. They kind of make my week.

surviving myself said...

My favorite part was when Lauren says "I think your drink says a lot about you" to Doug.

I watched it because Ari made me.

Anonymous said...

this was very funny. doug, not that he's super cool, needs to dump lauren on her butt. Wow, and don't even get me started on Lo. I think she was in a nightmare last night. This is Kristen!

Becca said...

What was up with Lo only speaking in "we"s? It made me want to slap her but I watched it at work so I'd probably be fired for destruction of company property.

Brian said...

Amazing. Amahzing if you will.

Amahzing is my middle name, just like 'nice' is Spencer's.


LosingIt said...

So worth it.

not lisa said...

So glad the show is back so I can read these re-caps. So glad.

Three things on the beach party premiere:

1) Why did LC decide to wear that long of a silk dress on the beach? Ruin your Lauren Conrad Collection maxi, why don't you??
2) Why couldn't they put any cute and normal-looking party attendees on camera? Or were there just not any there...?
3) What was up with Lo taking a family vacation during the premiere of the most emotional, thrilling and romantic show on television? Is that just a really sad attempt to fuel our curiosity about her and Audrina's animosity?

And I'm done. Donzo, if you will.

Felicia said...

I had a co-worker in L.A. named Chiara, but she was fresh off the boat from Italy. And how do you insert those screen shots from the show???

Katelin said...

hahaha i love your recaps so much. i swear i don't even have to watch the show, i get it all right here. i love how you ended it with the audrina/lo conversation, amazing.

Hollywood Sucker said...

joy- Well aren't you sweet.

surviving- Oh that comment was the worst. "You're a guys guy" followed by 6 minutes of silence. What a fabulous date. You know what my drink says about me? I like drinks. Drinky drink drinks.

anonymous kristen- No I think those two are made for each other.

becca- She's like one of those girls who starts referring to her and her boyfriend as a we after only like 2 weeks and you think she's psycho and pathetic.

brian- That's a great middle name.

losingit- I wonder if Lauren thinks it's so worth it to ruin her whole life for this show.

not lisa- 1) because no one ever tells her NO
2) Maybe all the normal people had something better to do. Like be at work on a Monday.
3) I think the producers are just trying to pretend Lo doesnt exist.

felicia- Well I hope your coworker wasn't nice or I feel bad making fun of her name. Screengrabs are from mtv.com. Just pause em, and then on a mac it's command+shift+4.

katelin- Thanks! I really like Audrina these days.

Peter said...

Craaaaaap. I had decided never to watch this show again.

And now I kinda miss Lo.

You are diabolical.

JenBun said...

I'm never watching TV again...

... because I don't have to-- it's so much more entertaining the way YOU tell it!! :D

miss clover said...

have you ever seen these girls out and about? sometimes i forget they are just regular people here. my friend saw LC at whole foods this weekend. paps were following her. it's sort of weird to think about.

Jay said...

This is absolutely fantastic! I love to watch this show but everytime I sit through an episode I ask myself why? Like an addict! lol Hilarious. Thanks!