THE HILLS RECAP: Lauren, pick one: Dream House or Dream Man.

Because no one, not even Lauren, can have both. As we learn in Monday's episode.

Which was a boring episode indeed! I watched it with my sister and a bunch of our girlfriends and we could hardly pay attention to it. Instead, we watched my friend Anne's cat walking around the room. Yes, The Hills is less entertaining than a cat batting around a wine cork.

Last week, Lauren and Lo decided they were going to rent a house. And then, out of pity, they brought in Audrina as their third roommate.

So let's see what kind of digs that three girls with entry level salaries can rent these days in Los Angeles.


Oh, yeah, that seems about right.

Now, I don't know that much about the LA real estate market. I do know I will never be able to buy anything ever. And I do know that the tiny, 2 bedroom houses in my lame neighborhood --houses that look like those little green monopoly houses and that are nestled under the freeway --are like $800,000.

And so I'm pretty sure this house is about $3 million. Maybe more? I highly doubt this is actually a rental property, but I'll just play along.

But look at me yammering on. Let's go for a tour of this place!


Here we have the modest fountain on the front lawn.



And here's the living room.

Lest ye forget, Lauren is, first and foremost, a designer. So she comes up with some brilliant, innovative ideas for this room.

Lauren: Here's where we'll have a TV room. And like a couch. And we can put pictures on the wall here.
Lo: Wow, Lauren, great idea. Really, just,wow.
Lauren: Thanks, Lo.


Audrina: (under her breath) Lesbian much?
Lo: Excuse me?
Audrina: What? Oh nothing. So where's my room?


Lauren: Oh, Audrina, I am so glad you brought that up because we are just getting to that. You're room is better than a room because you get a whole house!
Audrina: You mean I'm living out here in the guest house.
Lauren: Yes! We thought since you are so independent these days and can't ever find the time to hang out with us any more, you might like the privacy of your own little house.
Audrina: Really? Because it kind of feels like you're just getting me out of the way.


Lauren: Oh don't be silly. Besides, this is nice, don't you think?
Audrina: Yeah. You're right. It is cool back here.
Lo: Wonderful!


Lauren: Ok, so we'll just leave you here to get settled and, you know, explore.
Audrina: Wait, where are you two going?
Lo: Oh, we're just going to finish checking out the real--uh, I mean, the main house.
Audrina: Can't I come with you? It's not like I have stuff to unpack or anything.
Lauren: You don't want to come with us. I promise. There's nothing to see. It's just our rooms and the other bathrooms, yaddi yadda. You'll be bored. Just stay here and get comfortable.


Audrina: I better get my own spin off for this.

And so we say goodbye forever to Hillside Villas and welcome the girls to their new home. "We're going to have the best housewarming party," Lauren beams.


Just look at her. So happy. Ah, how I just love to see her smile. It's good to see things finally going her way after such a hard life. Oh, Lauren, if anyone deserves the best life has to offer, it's you!

Fast forward a bit, and the girls are all moved in to their new house.

Lauren is still smiling. Bless her little heart.


She's out having lunch with Lo, and they are talking about the guest list for their aforementioned housewarming party.

Lauren: Well, I'm invitiing Stephen Colletti.
Lo: Woah, wait, Stephen Colletti? The one from Laguna?
Lauren: Yes. Why? Is that weird? Is it weird that I would still be interested in a guy I made out with in high school?
Lo: No, I guess not. It's just...
Lauren: What?


Lo: I mean, you're kind of a big deal now. Don't you think you can just meet some new people.
Lauren: But I never stopped liking him.
Lo: Yeah ok.
Lauren: You always get like this when I have a date.
Lo: I...don't know what you mean. Did you want another cup of coffee?

I didn't watch Laguna Beach when it was on because I never had enough time or patience for it. (Note to self: Social life has drastically declined in past 3 years. Seek new hobbies.) So unlike a lot of Hills watchers, I had no nostalgic glee at the sound of Stephen's name.

I actually had to research who this guy was. Evidently, he's been on 8 episodes of One Tree Hill as some character names Chase Adams.

Also, he's apparently ok with using this as a publicity photo:



Meanwhile, Spencer is out for his afternoon mope.



Sister Stephanie joins him for an iced coffee. By the way, Steph, I love you but what's going on with your hair?


The sibs catch up for a little while, although who knows what they could possibly have to talk about since Spencer is crashing at Stephanie's apartment.


It isn't long, however, before the conversation sours. Stephanie tells Spencer that she plans to go to Lauren's housewarming party, and then he erupts into a fit about how disloyal she is. And then he storms out. Yeah, it was a totally gripping scene...

That night...it's party time! And the ladies have done their best to spruce up their humble home and make it look a little better for the guests.

A few candles by the pool...



A few tiki torches on the patio...



Things are coming together perfectly. That is, until Audrina asks if they have a bowl she can put some snacks in.


Lo looks panicked as she is forced to admit, "We don't have any bowls!"

Ok, seriously? You have the fucking Trevi Fountain in your front yard and yet you can't come up with one measely snack bowl?

Also, for the love of God, can you girls please stop insisting on wearing strapless dresses? There is an average of like 4 strapless dresses per episode and they never sit right on them.

Before the guests arrive, they slice up some limes for drinks, and talk about who's coming.

Audrina, who is looking a bit like Delta Burke these days, says that Justin will be attending.


Lauren: Wait...Justin? Like Justin/Bobby?
Audrina: Yeah...why? Is something wrong with that?
Lauren: No, nothing's wrong. I wanted to throw up all night, looking at his stupid face.
Lo: (Laughing maniacally) Stupid face! Good one, Lauren.


Audrina: Well who did you invite?
Lauren: Stephen Colletti. We're in love. And I think tonight he's going to ask me to marry him.
Audrina: Wait...Stephen Colletti? That twerp you went to High School with?
Lauren: You mean that successful, talented, handsome man. Yes. Jealous?
Audrina: At least my boyfriend has sex with me.
Lo: I think I heard the doorbell!

And in come the guests. Everyone is here!

The Muppet...



And Whitney- where has she been lately?!



And even some unwelcome guests...


Uh oh Lauren, some competition for one of your imaginary potential boyfriends.


Good thing you wore your tiny brass knuckles, cuz this bitch is going down!

But one person is missing...where's Stephanie?

Feeling a little weird after Spencer got on her case about being disloyal, she's gone to tell Heidi that she's on her way to Lauren's housewarming party.


Heidi: Hey, Sis, what's up?!
Stephanie: I thought I asked you not to call me sis.
Heidi: You are so funny!
Stephanie: So what are you up to tonight?
Heidi: Oh, just sitting her at home in my shiny stretch pants and my heels. What are you up to?
Stephanie: Well, actually, I'm going to Lauren's housewarming party.


Heidi: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Stephanie: Well you know how she and I are friends again. I didn't think you'd care.
Heidi: Of course I care. She totally ruined my life and you're supposed to be my best friend.


Stephanie: You know what, I'm too tired to explain why everything you say is basically inaccurate. My hair didn't turn out right tonight anyway. (sigh) I'll just stay in with you.
Heidi: Awesome! I was just going to try on all of my clothes and see which ones make my boobs look best. I could use a second opinion.
Stephanie: Outstanding.

Back at party central, Lauren's catching up with The Love of Her Life, Stephen.


Lauren: So this is a tree branch. And here is a flower on it.
Stephen: Uh, yeah. That's great.
Lauren: Do you think it's pretty?
Stephen: Sure.
Lauren: Do you think I'm pretty?
Stephen: Yeah.
Lauren: Thank you. Now, come this way, next on the tour, I wanted to show you this really neat rock I found in the garden. And then we'll go inside and I can show you my new hand towels. I've rated them in order of most to least favorite.
Stephen: How about we just sit here for a while.
Lauren: I'd like that.
Stephen: Ok.



Lauren: So Brody brought his new girlfriend. Did you see her?
Stephen: Oh, uh. Yeah she seemed nice. Hey is that Muppet over there?


Lauren: You thought she seemed nice? I thought she seemed really fake. And looked like a slut.
Stephen: I'm just gonna go say hi to Muppet.
Lauren: Don't you think she's a slut?
Stephen: Yeah yeah fine. She looks like a slut.


Lauren: I know! You are so right!
Stephen: Hey, look, I kinda want to go talk to some other people here. Uh, maybe we can just get dinner some time if you want to talk about all of this.
Lauren: I would love to go on a date with you.
Stephen: That's...yeah, great.





Stephen: Quit staring at me.
Lauren: Sorry.

And then it's time for the big date! Lauren can't decide if she should be modest and play hard to get, or be sexy and show a little shoulder. So, she decides to do both, by wearing this navy blue number, which to me, looks like she's put herself through the center of a Christmas tree skirt.



They say their goodbyes to Mama Lo, who yells after them, "If you break her heart I will kill you. Do you hear me, young man?!"


But he doesn't hear her, because he's too busy humming that Fall Out Boy song that's stuck in his head.

He takes her to a romantic restaurant in Beverly Hills, and she couldn't be happier.


Lauren: This is just what I always thought it would be like. You and me.
Stephen: You're staring at me again.
Lauren: That's so you to say that, my darling. Would you like me to cut up your steak for you?
Stephen: Keep your hands on your side of the table.
Lauren: Oh I'm just kidding around. I...I know we're just friends.


Stephen: My mom, all my friends, everyone made such a big deal when I said we were going to dinner.
Lauren: Shhhah. Yeah. I know, right? What is wrong with everyone? So, so what did you say to them?


Stephen: (actual line) Can't I just see a good friend? And have dinner with them? And can't it just be plutonic?

And here's the moment where you actually see Lauren die a little inside.


Ah, well, my dear. There are other fish in the sea.