Since The Hills aired Monday night, I've been debating if I should put the energy into recapping it. After all, not much happened. Or ever happens this season.
And I'm still not sure it's a good idea, but anyway, here we go:
We begin with Heidi. Am I the only one who sort of forgot she existed?
Determined to assert her independence and careermindedness, as if anyone was calling it into question, Heidi decides to approach her boss Brent Bolthouse about taking on more responsibility at "work."
Heidi: Brent, I'm here because I want to do more stuff.
Heidi: I take this job very seriously and I want to do things for this company. Any things at all, for the company. Worldwide. For work. And this job.
Brent: Fabulous. We're opening a hotel in Vegas and you're in charge. Have at it!
Do you know what would happen if I marched up to my boss with the same vague pledge of my enthusiasm?
Me: I want to do more!
Boss: Ok. Like what?
Me: Bigger better things! Important stuff!
Boss: Well, when you think of what that stuff is, let me know. Now if you don't mind, I'm on a conference call right now.
Voice On Speakerphone: Stay positive!
Meanwhile, the non-working girls are getting some sun in their new backyard and deciding what to do with their day.
Lauren: It's so nice out.
Lauren: Audrina should come out and join us.
Lo: I don't think she should. I mean, she wouldn't want to.
Lauren: I guess. I could just go ask her.
Lo: No. She's sleeping. And yesterday she told me she's trying to stay out of the sun this summer because she recently found out her scalp is allergic to direct sunlight.
Lauren: She said that?
Lo: Yeah. She was really serious about it too. So I guess it's just you and me today.
And then Audrina comes out of her little house.
Lauren: Audrina, what are you doing out here? Is your scalp ok?
Audrina: (patting head curiously) Yeah...it's fine.
Lo remains silent, shakes ice around her in glass of lemonade.
Lauren: Well that's good to hear. What are you up to?
Audrina: I've gotta head into work.
Audrina: Yeah, it's about 1:30. Time to start the day! I'm going to the recording studio. Alkaline Trio is recording their new album, which will be released in stores this August. They'll also be touring this summer, kicking off their first show in Austin on June 24th.
Lauren: Great. I'll check out their website for more information and to shop for band merchandise.
Audrina: Excellent. Well anyway, I wanted to see if you guys would like to stop by and watch me watch them.
Lo's face pretty much says it all. They are so not into this idea. But Lauren attempts to feign interest and gives a shakey promise to drop by.
Back at SBE headquarters, Heidi stops by Kimberly's cubicle to repeat the exact words uttered in her previous scene with Brent.
This entire exchange is pretty pointless, but I just wanted to mention it so I could draw attention to Kimberly's ridiculous bangs.
The ends of them were digging into her eyes the entire time and she kept blinking and blinking in her futile attempt to move them.
After a day of sunning and shopping, Lo and Lauren force themselves to visit Audrina at the recording studio.
Audrina: I'm so glad you guys came!
Lauren: Definitely...this is...cool.
Producer: So what do you think? Because I care what you two have to say about this band. How does it sound?
Lo: (fidgeting with iPhone) I dunno. It's fine.
They stand there for literally 6 seconds, and then Lo starts nudging Lauren in the side and making a pouty face. It reminded me of when the kids I used to babysit for wanted a snack, or had to go potty.
Lo: Psst. I'm hungry. Let's get out of here.
Lauren: Can you wait just a few more minutes?
Lo: No. I'm hungry now.
Lauren: Fine. Hey Audrina, I think we're gonna take off and get some sushi.
Audrina: But you just got here.
Lauren: Yyyyeah. Do you want to come with us?
Audrina: I'm at work right now.
Lauren: I don't understand. So, does that mean you can't?
Audrina: Exactly. I can't.
Lo: Oh well too bad. Bye!
I feel bad for Audrina, but at the same time, if someone gave me the choice between watching my friend do her job or going out for sushi, I'd pick the latter as well.
So the galpals go to some place where the sushi is put into little pods and then zooms past you in a little parade formation.
Lauren, pointlessly, tells Lo that she feels bad for abandoning Audrina.
Lauren: We haven't really spent any time together since we moved into the house.
Lo: Why should you? You have me and we've been best friends forever.
Lauren: Um. Sure.
And then Lauren comes up with the solution that will surely make Audrina feel at home: Make a little sign for the door of her guest house that says "Chateau Audrina"!
Lo doesn't respond. I suspect because she wants to do everything in her power to prevent Audrina's happiness and the re-establishment of her close friendship with Lauren.
Also, I think she thought it was a really stupid idea in general. Because it really is.
Meanwhile, Heidi's made it home after a hard day of kicking ass and taking names. And Stephanie comes on over to hang out.
Heidi: So, I have some news. I'm a big deal.
Stephanie: Really. Says who?
Heidi: Says my boss and his boss, Sam.
Stephanie: Who's Sam? Is he hot?
Heidi: Maybe in a wealthy, middle aged, greasy fat guy sort of way. But anyway, so I am going to be taking on more responsibility at work.
Stephanie: What does that mean?
Heidi: Gosh, you're so cute. Some day when you're out of college you will understand.
Stephanie: (Under her breath) At least I went to college.
Heidi: My increased responsibility means a bigger commitment, and more work. I'll be taking charge and doing things.
Stephanie: Wow, sounds like you are really demonstrating that you are an independent woman who won't let a man hold you back.
Heidi: Also, I'll be traveling. I'm leaving town for a while and going to Vegas to help with a new hotel.
Heidi: And it will be great for me. To help me clear my head.
Really, Heidi? Clear your head? What could possibly be on your mind at this point, hmm? You've kicked your boyfriend to the curb, you're practically being handed a company, and at 22, you've already got more money than a girl like me will have in her whole life.
What the fuck is wrong?
Anyway. So she tells Stephanie not to tell Spencer that she'll be gone for some unspecified amount of time.
I'm guessing she'll be gone for about 4 days. But Hills time is a whacky, unpredictable beast, as demonstrated by the Paris trip and the amount of time it took the girls to settle into their new house:
one week = 6 months
1 month = 7 hours
So who knows when Heidi will return, if ever.
Back at the ranch, Lo and Lauren are playing with their new toy-- a puppy! They named her Chloe.
Lauren: She is sooo cute!
Lo: I love that we got her together. Don't you love that?
Lauren: I guess.
Lo: I was thinking, maybe we could adopt another puppy.
Lauren: Well, I'm not so sure.
Lo: And I was also thinking, you know how nothing ever works out with you and any of the guys you date? And you know how I don't date anyone?
Lo: Well what if we just give up on dating guys all together, and just grow old together as female companions. We can raise our puppy, and then maybe some kids.
Lauren: Oh look Audrina's here!
Lo: Look! We got a dog! And by we, I meant me and Lauren.
Audrina: She's adorable.
Lo: I hope she doesn't ever attack your face! Or accidentally knock over one of the tiki torches in the back yard and burn down the guest house while you're asleep.
Lauren: (oblivious) Yay puppy! We adopted her! We saved her!
Whoopty freakin doo, by the way. Everyone adopts their pets these days.
So then Lo prattles on and on. "When Chloe goes to doggie daycare, she'll say 'I have two mommies.'"
Aww, Audrina. (I guess that would be Awwwdrina.) Don't look so sad. I know Lo's being a dick, but you don't want to be a part of their psychotic relationship anyway.
This whole puppy business got me thinking about the first time there was a puppy on this show. Do you remember? It was back in the first season. Heidi had a boyfriend who was, arguably, an even worse human being than Spencer, and he got her a puppy that she named Bella. A puppy that looks, suspiciously, like Chloe. And then in the next episode, Heidi broke up with that guy and then the puppy just sort of disappeared.
I'd always wondered what happened to Bella. I'd hoped Heidi sent her to live in her parents' shack in the mountains, where she was put to work pulling carts of chopped firewood in preparation for the harsh winter.
But now I see that what actually happened was that Heidi sort of forgot about Bella, who one day escaped out the front door when her beloved owner left for "work." Heidi had been too busy rummaging through her giant handbag for her keys, while continuously pushing back the giant sunglasses atop her golden mane. Later that day, when Heidi returned home, she got the distinct feeling that something was wrong, but never quite identified that the wrongness was her absent dog.
After exploring the courtyard of Hillside Villas for a few hours, Bella ran off through the front gate, and then on through the streets of West Hollywood. She eventually fell in love with a ferrel beagle named Chompers, and later gave birth to Chompers' pups. But it turns out that Bella, in her short time with Heidi, had inherited her owner's poor taste in men, for Chompers left poor Bella when her pups were only days old, leaving the girl to fend for herself. And she tried desperately to raise them on her own, but eventually turned them all in to the nearest animal shelter.
And then one day, a pair of blondes wandered into the shelter, after spending their morning deciding if they should get pedicures or adopt a puppy. Fortunately for the last of Bella's pups to remain at the shelter, the girls were feeling particularly philanthropic that day. And so Bella's puppy went home with them. And they named her Chloe.
While I was browsing around on MTV's website, looking for evidence of Bella's existence, I watched some of the episodes from the first season. Holy crap things have changed! They all used to be so full of life! And happy! And sort of funny. And they wore sweatshirts.
And for goodness sake, just look at Heidi! Now this is the kind of Heidi I can get behind. Ever her voice was different back then.
And look how they dressed. Lauren's ensemble looks like something I'd actually be able to put together myself. Heidi's looks...awful. But I like that about her!
So back to the rest of this episode. I know, I went off on quite the tangent, but I had to say something because not much happens after the puppy incident. So let me make this all brief.
At the Pratt residence, Stephanie decides she's had enough of her big brother and kicks Spencer out of her condo. My favorite Spencer line of the episode:
Stephanie: I'm sick of you're being here.
Spencer: I'm sick of you.
Audrina and Justin/Bobby emerge from her little house. Hey now! At least someone's getting some action on this show. And then they head into the kitchen for some breakfast.
Audrina comments that she has never cooked in the new kitchen and doesn't know what kind of food they have there. She tells her boytoy that she just feels so unwelcome in the house proper. Justin/Bobby, once again astonishingly helpful and with-it, asks her why she feels like sticking around if they are being lame bitches to her. Yeah, Audrina, why are you sticking around?
Also, I am totally in love with new Justin/Bobby! He is freaking adorable. And he feeds Audrina pineapple.
Unfortunately for Heidi, she isn't blessed with such fabulous eye candy that morning. Indeed, it appears that taking on more responsibility means being trapped on a private jet with this guy (her boss):
And this guy. Her boss's boss, Sam:
While getting to know Heidi, Sam creepily stalls the conversation on the topic of Heidi's pretty-much-ex boyfriend. "He is going to go crazy when he finds out you're in Vegas!" BWA HA HA HA. And they all have a hardy chuckle at Spencer's expense.
While the men continue laughing away, Heidi looks a little sad. Perhaps having just realized that Sam is going to force himself on her later after he's had too many martinis at dinner. Oh, Heidi, what have you gotten yourself into now?
Homeless Spencer goes crawling back to his old apartment that he once shared with Heidi. But when he gets there and lets himself in, he discovers she isn't home! Oh my goodness? Where could she be?
You know, I've made this point before, but what is with these people and their inability to use cellphones properly? They are constantly staring at their iPhones, but they must be checking their stocks or playing sodoku or something because they certainly aren't communicating with anyone. They just show up at one another's apartments. "Oh hey! What are you doing here?" "I'm glad you're home. I wasn't sure if you would be, but I didn't want to call and find out."
So here Spencer finds himself in an empty apartment. And rather than assuming that Heidi is at "work" or shopping or at brunch, he senses that something is amiss.
And so he whips out the ol' iPhone to call her. No, wait, he calls Stephanie to ask her where Heidi is. How direct...
Ah well. This show may have lost it's oomph, but as I discovered this week, you can always go back and watch the old seasons. The seasons with heart.