The only thing that could make Paris any worse...

The new season of The Hills premiered Monday night with an episode that takes Lauren to Paris, Heidi to Colorado, and, mercifully, Audrina out of the picture.

And if you enjoyed my irrational obsession with ScottBaio's reality show, boy are you in for a treat now that The Hills is back on TV. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't love or hate Lauren. I've never been so passionately indifferent about anyone before. I just. Can't. Stop. Watching.

But perhaps you had something to do Monday night, so let me give you a little recap:

Lauren and Whitney have been sent to Paris by Teen Vogue to cover some debutante ball that Americans obviously care about.

They arrive in Paris, where a private driver awaits them.

"YAY!" says Lauren. Now what are we supposed to do?

Oh! Just look in front of you, for you've been provided an itinerary, neatly stored in a little leather folder.

You know, I thought you had to be an international spy to have the experience of your personal driver giving you a typed itinerary, but apparently you just need to be an intern at a teen magazine. Boy am I in the wrong line of work! James, where's my itinerary? When will I receive my new assignments? Have you heard from HQ? Drive me to the supper club.

Uh, where was I? Oh, right, my boring life where I blog about TV shows.

So at the end of last season, Heidi decided to take a break from her fake job and her skeevy fiance to go hang out with her parents in her home town Crested Butte (MAN that name is hilarious), Colorado. Now we join Heidi and her mom, as they duck into a lodge following a day of skiing that has left them completely uncovered in snow and their cheeks very un-rosy.

The ladies strike up a spontaneous conversation as authentic as the scenery out that window between them. "Mom, I don't know what to do about Spencer," says Heidi.

"Why don't you tell me what you're thinking, dear. And please explain it to me as if I weren't your mother and didn't already know all of the details. In fact, pretend I'm like a...uh..viewer...who just watched you from afar...and had maybe not really heard about you and Spencer in a few months...and just needs a little refresher."

Ok, back to Paris. Apparently the girls have disregarded their fancy itineraries, and decided to pick up their ball gowns before picking up shoes for some of the debutantes, when in fact they are supposed to do those things in the opposite order.

But when they get to the shoe store...it's closed!

Girls, girls girls. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Don't get your ball gowns before picking up the debutantes' shoes"? Oh well, serves you right for being so unappreciative of your kickass itineraries.

In Hollywood, Spencer is so depressed, he's just hanging around at home. Yeah, I mean, I know he doesn't have a job to go to or anything, so he doesn't have much choice but to sit at home...but it's clear he's upset. Good thing his sister Stefanie decides to come over to cheer him up!

Based on previous episodes, I'd concluded that Stef was the worst person in the world. But after this episode, I've decided she is the BEST. Because when Spencer tries to unload all of his lame shit on her, homegirl is mean. Every time he opens his stupid mouth about Heidi she's like "Mmmm, no." Until she finally advises, "I guess you can just write a list of everything you've done and then do the opposite."

Look at his face!

Ah ha ha. Tool.

Anyway, there's only one thing Spencer can do! He must go to Colorado and reclaim his bride!

So some time later he rolls up to Heidi's unimpressive house. Honestly, did anyone else shit a brick when the show visited Heidi's childhood home for the first time? I wanted a palace! I wanted extravagance! I wanted some kind of house that would justify Heidi's grossly inflated sense of self.

Well whatever. Back in Paris...oh, wait, I just have to show you a title card from this episode and what it says about the intelligence of The Hills target audience.


Anyway, the girls are hard at work. That is, until Lauren gets a super important call. Oh hey! It's Audrina. God bless it, she's still alive.

"Eh meh gaahd, heh, it's Audrehneh." She breathes into the phone.

"What's up?" asks Lauren, completely concerned, but also, deep down, excited for some other crisis to befall her.

"I was ouuuuut. Aaaand, I saw Brodeh and heh was wih this girrrrl and heh was telling people tha she was his girlfriend."

So Lauren's feathers get all ruffled, as usual, because why oh why can't she ever find a trustworthy boy. Yaddi yadda. I was over this problem of her's last season. Next issue, please!

But that very night, she meets her newest douche, Mattias.

Yeah, I know. That name. Priceless. And he's apparently some kind of musician.

So he pretty much just leers at her all night like that. And she keeps raising her eyebrows and giving him cheeky glances.

I guess when your hot Parisian love interest has already been hand picked by the MTV machine, you don't have to put much effort into flirtation. And btw, Lauren, red lipstick's not your thing. And you look tired.

On another evening, or maybe the same one, it's never clear, Mattias sends Lauren an email inviting them to some kind of dressy club. "Did you pack going out dresses?" asks Lauren to Whitney.
"Yeah, but did you?"
"My dresses are like pencil skirts."
"Oy."

How is this even a conversation? Anyway, Lauren has a brilliant plan to sew her designer ball gown into a cute cocktail dress.

What could possibly go wrong?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Spencer is attending an uncomfortable dinner with Heidi's parents.

You know what? Fuck this. I am so bored with stupid Heidi and her saaaaahga. I can't even discuss it any more. Let me wrap it up by saying that after like 5 more heart-to-heart conversations, Spencer leaves and Heidi stays in Colorado and nothing's resolved. I'm telling you blondie, you better get interesting soon...

Ok, back to the A Story. After a long night of bizarre French club music and forced romance, Whitney, Lauren, and Lauren's Ball Gown make it back to the hotel safely.

BUT THEN when the girls get dressed to go to the ball, Lauren discovers a mysterious stain!


I know what you're thinking, she brushed up against Mattias and his nast rubbed off on her. But the culprit was actually an unattended curling iron left too close to the delicate fabric.

"But I can't go the ball without a gown!" she laments.

Fortunately, Whitney jumps into action. "Everythingk will be ok." She puts a call into the gown's designer, who agrees to hand over another freebie. Wow, that worked out nicely, didn't it?

Sigh.

And so the girls are off to the ball. Where everything runs pretty smoothly. And before the night is through, Lauren's Parisian Prince shows up to whisk her away from the ball on his Vespa.


Sigh. Seriously?

Lauren gathers up her gown, eager to ruin it, and hops on back. And off they ride into the night.


The title of the episode was "Paris Changes Everything."

What. What changed, Lauren? You were there a week. Brody's still not your boyfriend. You still never learn your lesson. Whitney's still your sorta friend.

Drama level of this episode: 2 out of 10.

Better step it up next week.