The Hills Recap: An unnecessary second episode.

It is practically a law of nature that while you and I are making copies at work, or vacuuming our living rooms, or shopping for frozen pizzas at the grocery store, or wasting time reading stuff like this on blogs like mine, somewhere in Los Angeles, one or more members of The Hills cast is having brunch or lunch. Right now, at this very moment, as you read my words, one of them is having an overpriced omelette or chopped salad. Of this fact, I am certain.

And so at some point, this particular lunch took place between Whitney and Lauren. Whitney is filling Lauren in on the details of her new job. "It's soooo much fun. It's a dream come true. And the whole time, I kept thinking 'Lauren would love this.'" In true Lauren fashion, she responds not with words, but with a pensive stare. Could Lauren be contemplating a new fake job alongside Whitney? Would this save on production costs by sending camera crews to fewer locations? Would this keep the show interesting because, frankly, Whitney is really boring when she is left to carry a scene? Has Lisa Love finally had enough of twenty-somethings ruining the legitimate career she worked so hard to create for herself?

What in the world could Lauren be pondering? I just can't imagine where this episode is headed...

We follow Whitney to the new dream job, working in stylingk for Kelly Cutrone's company, People's Revolution. By the way, could she have picked a more overblown name for her fashion company? People's Revolution is more suitable for, oh I don't know, a revolution of the people perhaps. It would be a better name for the uprising of the sweatshop workers sewing the clothes than for Team Kelly. But I digress...

So Kelly gathers everyone in the office for a meeting. "Everyone come grab a seat. I'm about to yell at you all and embarrass you in front of your coworkers!" She asks the publicist for updates on her celebrity outreach leading up to some big show. I guess she was supposed to drum up interest from famous people.
But sadly, she has no news for Kelly. No leads. And this makes Kelly angry. Fortunately, the spirited new employee, Whitney, chimes in with a bright idea!

Whitney: Why don't we call the musicians that the designer knows!
Kelly: Great idea!

Alright, I don't really believe that Whitney was the only person in this entire Revolutionary group of theirs to come up with this idea. But whatever. So then they end the meeting and Whitney literally gives herself a round of applause. Seriously, with backstabbed angry publicist looking on, Whitney smiles and claps her hands as everyone gets back to work. Viva La Revolucion!


And just when she thought her day couldn't get any better, Whitney receives a call from Lauren, who just called to say I Love You.
Lauren: I'm bored. It's sad without you here.
Whitney: Yeah.
Lauren: How's work?
Whitney: It's so great. You'd really love it. I can't believe how completely amazing it is. But I'm busy. Bye!

Lauren puts the phone down and looks around the room, pouting. Sigh. Poor thing. If only someone could take you away from this wretched fake job that sends you to parties and Paris. If only you knew someone at a different fashion place, one that was looking for a publicity vehicle and that could find you an insignificant job that would keep you busy for a few hours a week without getting in the way of the real employees. Oh Lauren, I hope something works out for you, but I just don't know...

Time to check in on Heidi now.

She and Stephanie have apparently gotten over the tension of Steph's new friendship with Lauren. Or, have at least decided to ignore it long enough to go out to Vice. Heidi is so freakishly excited about going out, she looks pretty lame in these scenes. And Stephanie is pretty embarrassed. While they were getting ready to go out, Heidi was like vibrating with joy.
Heidi: I'm so glad we're going out! I missed it!
Stephanie: Yeah.
Heidi: I mean, I always just hung out with Spencer. I miss going out with girls.
Stephanie: Well maybe you should get some friends then.
Heidi: But I have you! And you have to be my friend because you're the sister of the guy that I'm practically broken up with.
Stephanie: (Sighs. Continues fixing hair.)
Heidi: We should do this once a week!
Stephanie: Woah slow down there, sport.

While the girls are sitting at Vice, Heidi is complaining about Lauren. Or Spencer. Or both? I don't remember but I'm sure that's what they were talking about because they never talk about anything else. And then, in the distance, a set of blindingly white teeth catch Stephanie's eye.


Why look! It's Auhhhdreehhhna. What on earth could she be doing here?

Heidi decides she's had enough of Lauren driving a wedge between her and Audrina, and so she makes herself comfy at Audrina's table of unattractive music business people.
Heidi: Oh my god I miss you!
Audrina:Yeah, weird. (And here's where I can't tell if Audrina is her usual dead-inside self, or if she is genuinely uninterested in speaking to Heidi.)
Heidi: I mean, if you ever want to hang out, let me know. Stephanie and I are going to be going out together once a week.
Stephanie: I never agreed to that!
Heidi: Oh Steph, you're so funny. We're like sisters!
Audrina: Ok well go away now. I'm afraid Lauren will find out we were speaking and cut my hair off while I'm sleeping.

Oh and you know Lauren heard all about this. News travels fast. Well, and Stephanie just tells her all about it in class the next day.


As soon as Audrina gets home from work, Lauren confronts her.
Lauren: Do you know what I'm about to ask you?
Audrina: Oh my god, am I in trouble? I hate being your friend.

Lauren: Were you hanging out with Heidi last night?
Audrina: Well, she came to talk to me. But I didn't even care.
Lauren: Just be careful.

"Just be careful" is the theme of this season. It's what Lo and Audrina said to Lauren when she said she and Stephanie were friends. It's what Heidi said to Stephanie about Lauren. Spencer said to Stephanie about Lauren. Brody said to Lauren about Stephanie. Maybe these guys should all just break apart from one another if they're all so dangerous, lest the entire world blow up from excessive caddy behavior.

Back at the Revolution headquarters, Lauren is visiting Whitney during her lunch break. But things are just sooo busy, Whitney puts Lauren to work, looking at various articles of clothing and describing what they look like, while Whitney types it all up. I guess this is something stylists do? Whatever.

But one of the leaders of La Revolucion sees the teamwork happening here, and is terribly impressed. So impressed, in fact, that she...

wait for it...

wait for it...

offers Lauren a job at People's Revolution! She will bring in Lauren to help out while they are busy with fashion week.

Just look how surprised Lauren is!

Meanwhile, Heidi has wormed her way back into Audrina's life with the old line, "I left some stuff at your place." And so she drops by to collect it.


Oh but wait! Who's this? As Audrina is about to let Heidi into the apartment, the camera cuts away to this shot of a handsome cat chilling on the floor. If you ask me, we don't see enough of this fellow. I've named him Mr. Pots and I think he should get his own spin off, called Fancy Cats, in which we follow his adventures, curling up on a designer coat thrown on the floor or batting around a tube of mascara that rolled off the counter.


So anyway, Heidi comes over to get her stuff, and she and her face come waltzing in and she sits down and starts blabbing on about something or another. "It's so weird to be back here."
And Audrina's like, "Just take your ugly seascape box and get out of here before Lauren kills us both."


Later on, when Lauren gets home, Audrina, apparently feeling like the cheating spouse, decides to spill the beans about Heidi's visit. And Lauren, who has a glare for every occasion, gives Audrina this one:


The episode comes to a close. The funny thing is that I was talking to my sister about Monday's second episode, and I found myself asking, "How did it end? I don't really remember. I must have stopped watching it." And she replied that she had fallen asleep and so she didn't know either. But then while I was typing this all up, I realized I had watched it all. It's just that the end was so lame, I pretty much forgot all about it.

Next week we're back to the one episode norm. Thank goodness.