The Hills Recap: The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

The camel in this scenario is me, and the straw is this entire snoozefest of an episode that I wasted about 10 minutes watching on Monday night. "What about the other 20 minutes?" you ask. Exactly. What about them. I fell in and out of sleep somewhere during the fashion show portion of the episode. How many fashion shows am I going to be forced to sit through this season? I can't take any more hideous outfits and backstage bustling!



But the fashion show is the least of my worries. The Hills has just become insufferable. And here's why:

1. Heidi needs to shut the hell up.

In this episode, Heidi is desperate for another girls night out! So first she has lunch with Audrina, during which she launches right into her usual "It's too bad we can't be friends because of Lauren" routine. Yawn.


And then the girls all gather at whatever this S Bar is that they go to on a nightly basis this season. Heidi is just glowing with joy to be out with the girls on girls night, with the girls. Yay girls! I'm with my girls. She says girls about 45 times this episode. The night is chugging along, with Heidi forcing everyone to hear her latest thoughts on Spencer.

But then... Spencer shows up. Poor guy! He is just trying to win her back and/or make her jealous.


Heidi sees him and is immediately enraged. "They're taking shots?! They're taking shots?! They're taking shots?!" she yells. I don't know, I guess taking shots is the new sleeping around?


And this is why Heidi just needs to shut the hell up to save the show. For the rest of the episode, she bitches at Spencer, wagging her fake long-nailed finger in this face and pouting --or possibly that is the natural state of her lips?

See, here they are fighting by the bathroom at S- Bar.



And then the exact same conversation happens at the end of the episode, this time in Spencer's car.



Heidi: If you want to be single, just tell me.
Spencer: I don't, but you're basically making me single.
Heidi: I just needed space. We're on relationship vacation.
Spencer: There's no such thing as relationship vacation. Most people call that broken up.
Heidi: Well, we're still on relationship vacation. You can't talk to any other girls until further notice.
Spencer: Fine. Whatever.
Heidi: Now get out of my car.
Spencer: This is my car.
Heidi: You're such a lousy boyfriend.

I am bored even when I'm in fights of my own, so I can't handle sitting through another couple fighting about the same lame issue 5 times an episode. So, please, Heidi, shut the hell up!

2. Lauren needs to shut the hell up.

We all know that Heidi is a lame, McCain lovin', fake faced human being, so I'm not surprised that she is ruining the show. But Lauren...well she just disappoints me. I had the bar set slightly higher for her than her nemesis. Lauren displayed a moderate level of intelligence, a rudimentary grasp on the concepts of right and wrong, and she could almost make a joke now and then. (Although she will probably never be funny. Sigh.)

And this is why it is surprising that she's incapable of getting a grip and moving on.



In Monday's episode, Lauren stands in the doorway of Audrina's room, asking her how her night out went.
Audrina: I went out with Heidi and Stephanie, but Spencer showed up.
Lauren: I wouldn't be surprised if Heidi was just being your friend because I'm close with Stephanie.
Audrina: Wow thanks, d-bag. At least I still have friends. How's Lo?
Lauren: I'm just saying there's no way Heidi likes you.
Audrina: Next time you want to interrupt my story to bitch about that tired subject, can you at least find a segue? Thanks.


Something is clearly wrong when I find myself favoring Audrina in any scene, but I love that she is visibly fed up with Lauren.

And so Lauren, it's time to shut the hell up now.

3. Spencer is growing his white beard again.


Just when I was beginning to like him for his efforts to purposely annoy Heidi, he has to go and grow this terrible facial hair of his. Spence! You're on thin ice, mister.

4. Whitney and Lauren's new job is going well.


Remember when Lauren didn't go to Paris at the end of the first season, and so Lisa Love hated her for the rest of her time at Teen Vogue. And then during the second season, Whitney got drunk with some band the night before their photo shoot and got in trouble? Those were the good old days.

Well now the two of them work at People's Revolution, where despite their boss Kelly's tough exterior, their new gig is all hugs and cookies and pats on the back. Seriously. Kelly tells them to do something, they do it right. The end. Where's the fun in that?

The simple truth is that no one cares about a good day at work. It's why when you ask a friend, "How's work?" they will respond with a bland "fine" or "great" unless something is going wrong. And if something is going wrong, they'll say "I need to get a drink. Bad. Meet me after work." And then as the alcohol starts getting to them, they'll launch into a long story, arms flailing, profanities flying, ranting on about Cindy from HR and about her cubical neighbor with her stupid family pictures everywhere and the creepy guy from accounting with the nasty chapped lips.

This is what we want to hear about.

And this is what we need to see more of at the new workplace. Please, Whitney and Lauren, somebody screw something up. ASAP.



5. The good folks at MTV have apparently run out of ideas.

I guess this is the real root of the problem. The cast can only improvise so much. They need direction. They need new story lines.

And so if a lack of brilliant ideas is the problem, allow me to lend you some of mine. MTV, you may use any of these at no charge.

- A whacky new neighbor moves into the apartment next to Lauren and Audrina. He's an eccentric fellow with wild hair and even kookier ideas.

- Struggling to cope with the workload at SBE while launching her music career, Heidi gets addicted to meth.

- Lauren gets knocked up. So does Audrina. Who are the fathers?...or is it the same guy?

- Spencer gets in a car accident and is in a coma. Heidi rediscovers her love for him.

- Whitney finds out she has a twin sister. An evil twin sister.

- Friendly, furry alien moves in with Lauren and Audrina.

- Lauren gets black out drunk one night and wakes up in a strange bed...next to Spencer!

- A wedding! Anyone can be the bride. It doesn't really matter.

- The Hills Go Hawaiian!

Even if they incorporate all of the ideas into future episodes, I still don't know if I can bother watching this show any more. (Yes I can.)