Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Hills Recap: The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

The camel in this scenario is me, and the straw is this entire snoozefest of an episode that I wasted about 10 minutes watching on Monday night. "What about the other 20 minutes?" you ask. Exactly. What about them. I fell in and out of sleep somewhere during the fashion show portion of the episode. How many fashion shows am I going to be forced to sit through this season? I can't take any more hideous outfits and backstage bustling!

But the fashion show is the least of my worries. The Hills has just become insufferable. And here's why:

1. Heidi needs to shut the hell up.

In this episode, Heidi is desperate for another girls night out! So first she has lunch with Audrina, during which she launches right into her usual "It's too bad we can't be friends because of Lauren" routine. Yawn.

And then the girls all gather at whatever this S Bar is that they go to on a nightly basis this season. Heidi is just glowing with joy to be out with the girls on girls night, with the girls. Yay girls! I'm with my girls. She says girls about 45 times this episode. The night is chugging along, with Heidi forcing everyone to hear her latest thoughts on Spencer.

But then... Spencer shows up. Poor guy! He is just trying to win her back and/or make her jealous.

Heidi sees him and is immediately enraged. "They're taking shots?! They're taking shots?! They're taking shots?!" she yells. I don't know, I guess taking shots is the new sleeping around?

And this is why Heidi just needs to shut the hell up to save the show. For the rest of the episode, she bitches at Spencer, wagging her fake long-nailed finger in this face and pouting --or possibly that is the natural state of her lips?

See, here they are fighting by the bathroom at S- Bar.

And then the exact same conversation happens at the end of the episode, this time in Spencer's car.

Heidi: If you want to be single, just tell me.
Spencer: I don't, but you're basically making me single.
Heidi: I just needed space. We're on relationship vacation.
Spencer: There's no such thing as relationship vacation. Most people call that broken up.
Heidi: Well, we're still on relationship vacation. You can't talk to any other girls until further notice.
Spencer: Fine. Whatever.
Heidi: Now get out of my car.
Spencer: This is my car.
Heidi: You're such a lousy boyfriend.

I am bored even when I'm in fights of my own, so I can't handle sitting through another couple fighting about the same lame issue 5 times an episode. So, please, Heidi, shut the hell up!

2. Lauren needs to shut the hell up.

We all know that Heidi is a lame, McCain lovin', fake faced human being, so I'm not surprised that she is ruining the show. But Lauren...well she just disappoints me. I had the bar set slightly higher for her than her nemesis. Lauren displayed a moderate level of intelligence, a rudimentary grasp on the concepts of right and wrong, and she could almost make a joke now and then. (Although she will probably never be funny. Sigh.)

And this is why it is surprising that she's incapable of getting a grip and moving on.

In Monday's episode, Lauren stands in the doorway of Audrina's room, asking her how her night out went.
Audrina: I went out with Heidi and Stephanie, but Spencer showed up.
Lauren: I wouldn't be surprised if Heidi was just being your friend because I'm close with Stephanie.
Audrina: Wow thanks, d-bag. At least I still have friends. How's Lo?
Lauren: I'm just saying there's no way Heidi likes you.
Audrina: Next time you want to interrupt my story to bitch about that tired subject, can you at least find a segue? Thanks.

Something is clearly wrong when I find myself favoring Audrina in any scene, but I love that she is visibly fed up with Lauren.

And so Lauren, it's time to shut the hell up now.

3. Spencer is growing his white beard again.

Just when I was beginning to like him for his efforts to purposely annoy Heidi, he has to go and grow this terrible facial hair of his. Spence! You're on thin ice, mister.

4. Whitney and Lauren's new job is going well.

Remember when Lauren didn't go to Paris at the end of the first season, and so Lisa Love hated her for the rest of her time at Teen Vogue. And then during the second season, Whitney got drunk with some band the night before their photo shoot and got in trouble? Those were the good old days.

Well now the two of them work at People's Revolution, where despite their boss Kelly's tough exterior, their new gig is all hugs and cookies and pats on the back. Seriously. Kelly tells them to do something, they do it right. The end. Where's the fun in that?

The simple truth is that no one cares about a good day at work. It's why when you ask a friend, "How's work?" they will respond with a bland "fine" or "great" unless something is going wrong. And if something is going wrong, they'll say "I need to get a drink. Bad. Meet me after work." And then as the alcohol starts getting to them, they'll launch into a long story, arms flailing, profanities flying, ranting on about Cindy from HR and about her cubical neighbor with her stupid family pictures everywhere and the creepy guy from accounting with the nasty chapped lips.

This is what we want to hear about.

And this is what we need to see more of at the new workplace. Please, Whitney and Lauren, somebody screw something up. ASAP.

5. The good folks at MTV have apparently run out of ideas.

I guess this is the real root of the problem. The cast can only improvise so much. They need direction. They need new story lines.

And so if a lack of brilliant ideas is the problem, allow me to lend you some of mine. MTV, you may use any of these at no charge.

- A whacky new neighbor moves into the apartment next to Lauren and Audrina. He's an eccentric fellow with wild hair and even kookier ideas.

- Struggling to cope with the workload at SBE while launching her music career, Heidi gets addicted to meth.

- Lauren gets knocked up. So does Audrina. Who are the fathers?...or is it the same guy?

- Spencer gets in a car accident and is in a coma. Heidi rediscovers her love for him.

- Whitney finds out she has a twin sister. An evil twin sister.

- Friendly, furry alien moves in with Lauren and Audrina.

- Lauren gets black out drunk one night and wakes up in a strange to Spencer!

- A wedding! Anyone can be the bride. It doesn't really matter.

- The Hills Go Hawaiian!

Even if they incorporate all of the ideas into future episodes, I still don't know if I can bother watching this show any more. (Yes I can.)


apricot. said...

Okay, these are the ones I think should go down; maybe it could be called "The Hills Movie: The Real Los Angeles."

I think Heidi should become addicted to meth; I think Lauren should have a one-night-stand with Spencer & become obsessively attracted to him; I think Audrina should find out she is pregnant & Ricky/Bobby is the daddy &... I also think (& this wasn't mentioned) that Kristen, Lauren's original arch nemesis, should be appointed on the show, scheming & bitching with Heidi.

If any of those things happened, I would most definitely watch this show. But since they won't... I get my fix here. :]

That Saddity Chic said...

Yeah this season sucks. Lauren is looking busted lately but atleast she's gotten rid of that ratty ass weave she used to wear. I'm also counting the episodes until Heidi's lips return to normal.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

You are freakin' hilarious! Thank you for these recaps...I heart them!

Tia said...

haha i LOVE how lauren has to make everything about her. it's so annoying.

"you know, she's probably just trying to be friends with you to make me mad."

that girl has some nerve. audrina is definitely over it these days.

Just another silly girl said...

Can the hawaiian episode be like the time the saved by the bell gang went to hawaii and saved Kelly's grandfather's resort?

Peter said...

I can't watch it at all this season. So, either it is getting worse, or I am finally growing up.

I think Whitney having an evil twin is one of the hottest ideas ever.

Hmm. I guess that poops all over my growing up theory.

Also... "I am bored even when I'm in fights of my own." Ha! SO with you on that one.

just me said...

Doesn't LC have like the most SOUR face on tv??

...I just can't STAND her.

mindy said...

First of all, you are a real trooper. I honestly don't know how you sit through this show, but I appreciate the effort, because the recaps rule.

Secondly, Heidi looks like a very frightening monster in that one photo. Ok, maybe all of them, but especially that one where she looks really monster-y.

Lastly, a furry friendly alien moves in? Hahaha.

mindy said...

Also, Apricot's comment just reminded me--what in the world did happen to that Kristen girl? She was irritating as hell, let's bring HER back!

Hollywood Sucker said...

apricot- I hope The Hills Movie is only about 20 minutes long. I don't think I can sit through 2 hours o this BS.

saddity chic- Heidi's lips will never return to normal...maybe they were injected with Lauren's old weave.

muffy- Thank you for reading!

tia- Apparently in real life, Audrina and Lauren hate one another these days.

silly girl- That is EXACTLY what I was thinking of . And Zack fell in love with the hotel employee who had a daughter.

peter- you know my thoughts on growing up...tsk tsk

just me- Yeah. She's giving herself crow's feet.

mindy- Kristen is apparently an actual actress these days. Although I've never seen her in she couldn't possibly lower standards and be on "reality" TV now.

Julie_Gong said...

I really enjoy Heidi's crazy eyes in that first picture of her. I think it really ties the whole post together.

surviving myself said...

I'm interested in this "relationship vacation."

like, i get to watch sports all the time? Is that how it works?

Lizzie M said...

My husband's cousin is convinced that Spencer looks like a lion when he grows out his facial hair like that...

Oh is SCARY and sad how close this actually comes to my daily life these days:
...they'll launch into a long story, arms flailing, profanities flying, ranting on about Cindy from HR...

Hollywood Sucker said...

julie- She's psychotic.

surviving- Yes, relationship vacation means you get to watch lots of sports. It also means your cook your own dinner and practice self lovin'.

Lizzie- Like a lion. And like a loser.

Kristen said...

I'm with you. Everyone on this show is becoming TOO annoying, so it's mostly not funny anymore.

Inono said...

Have you heard the rumors that they are in the works to actually make a movie? I can't imagine how tedious that will be.

Also, LC and Lo move into a house together in the next few weeks, I can't wait for push-over Audrina to be kicked to the curb. Get a backbone!

Katelin said...

I think MTV should read this post and take into consideration all of your suggestions. This show really does need some spicing up or I may be forced to throw something at the TV again if I hear any more of this Lauren/Heidi fight BS, it's getting a little ridiculous.

Felicia said...

More Lo, less Lazy-Eye Audrina. And don't even try to tell me you haven't noticed it.

mano said...

When something happens in my life (or the bf's life) and we are trying to explain it to eachother we get our point across by saying "it's like he/she/I was DOING SHOTS" - it really drives the point home for almost any situation...

Julie_Gong said...

I actually meant the 2 picture of her. either way ... bitch is cra-zay!

Peter said...

I tried to email this to you, but you don't have an e-mail address on here. Wat kind of blogger are you, woman?


Hollywood Sucker said...

kristen- Oh but there's one on tonight...let's see if things get interesting.

inono- Maybe Audrina can come be our friend instead. She may be a little dull, but we could send her on beer runs and stuff.

katelin- Even more ludicrous, Heidi's clothing line. I'll have to post about that separately.

felicia- Oh I've noticed it. But I don't really dig Lo. She's too eager.

mano- The Hills is doing a shot with my free time. Am I using the phrase right?

julie- fear not. I know what you meant. She looks whacked out in all of her pictures anyway.

peter- Thanks for the link. I don't know how to put my email address up here or I would. I'm not very smart, you see.