Friday, October 17, 2008

Foods I Apparently Felt Were Absolutely Necessary To Shove Into My Fat Face Today - The Fried Sandwiches Edition

Oh hi there. It's been a while since I did one of these. And it's the perfect time because in the past 7 days I've had 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and 2 tuna melts. That's right, 4 sandwiches that are made by slathering butter on the outside of the bread, then frying it. 4 sandwiches filled with cheese, 2 of which are also made up of 90% mayonnaise.

It began over the weekend, when Devin and I were at a wedding near Buffalo, NY. We were staying at Beaver Hollow (hehe), a resort in the middle of the woods. There was no cell phone service and no sign of civilization, except for Smokey's Bar and Grill, located about a mile up the road. We went there after we arrived at Beaver Hollow on Friday and I was starving. As we pulled our rental car into Smokey's gravel parking lot, I noticed no other cars parked out front and wondered if perhaps the establishment was closed. But when we went inside, I was surprised to find it quite full of patrons. How had they gotten here? Had they just emerged from the woods? By the looks of them, probably.

The menu featured a great many re-workings of two key food stuffs - ground beef and breaded chicken fingers. The only thing I saw on the menu that I could eat: grilled cheese.

To my delight, the grilled cheese sandwich totally ruled. The bread was crisp and yellow, having apparently soaked overnight in a tub of melted butter. The cheese was of the unfortunately delicious, processed variety. Bright orange, like a traffic cone.

That night, after the rehearsal dinner, everyone gathered around a bonfire and drank. We woke up at noon the next day, missing breakfast by several hours. The kitchen at Beaver Hollow doesn't stay open all day, and so we knew we'd need to go back to Smokey's. This time we brought some new friends we'd made --wedding guests on the groom's side who were in need of some good greasy food.

Surprisingly, the menu hadn't changed on my second visit to Smokey's. And so again, I ordered the grilled cheese. It was just as delicious. But I was beginning to worry I'd gone too far.

Cut to yesterday. Lunch time. I go out with two friends to a little diner. Before I even get there, I know I want the tuna melt.

And so I order just that, and I eat it. ALL OF IT.


This morning, when I got dressed, I could barely fit my fat mass into my jeans. And even after I managed to zip them shut, I found it hard to walk or sit.

Today, I told Devin to meet me for lunch at the same diner. Without even meditating on it, my fat self was demanding another tuna melt. Must...have...butter crusted bread...melted cheese...

Let me also interject that I started my morning off with a mocha latte with WHIPPED CREAM.

When Devin and I sat down at the restaurant, I confessed my dilemma. "I want a tuna melt. But I can't. I CAN'T."

"Oh, just get it," he responded.

"Okay. Good point."

And so with that I came to consume my 4th fried sandwich of the week.

I am banning them from my diet until my jeans fit comfortably again.


cOm said...

i heart you.

my jeans don't fit anymore either.

kelsi said...

devin's logic is completely irrefutable. you did the only logical thing.

saratogajean said...

"Oh, just get it."

"Okay. Good point."


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JenBun said...

The sandwiches, I can resist. (Usually.) (I did have a grilled cheese last night, but the Red Sox LOST! Clearly I needed something melty to make up for it.)

It's the delicious Mexican food that is EVERYWHERE that is my downfall.

Also? I only eat at diners when I am in your neck of the woods. Something about that area and yummy diner food (OK, and Funny Man) and I'm a goner. Yum! :P

M&M said...

haha this was hilarious. looking forward to reading more from u. adding u to my blog roll now :]

Anonymous said...

See, I understand Devin. I just get him. Though my own reply would have been more "Oh, just fucking order it."

not lisa said...

The Texas State Fair had deep-fried grilled cheese sandwiches this year. I'll give you a second to let that sink in. Battered and deep-fried melty cheesy goodness. God bless Texas, indeed.

Anonymous said...

"Losing ten pounds is a full-time job." -- Margaret Cho.

Hollywood Sucker said...

com- Oh well, there's always the requisite pair of fat jeans.

kelsi- Yes but it's a good thing I don't always do what he says or I'd be in a real mess.

saratoga- We communicate pretty directly.

pang- Oh dear...tagged!

jenbun- I have nothing against the red sox, but you gotta admit a lot of their fans are douchey with a capital DOUCHE. Not you, of course.

m&m- Thanks!

peter- That's probably what he would have said next if I'd responded with "but...but..."

not lisa- Holy crap that sounds awesome. When's lunch?

sonny- Ha. We'll see how that goes when I bother to diet...some time closer to the wedding I guess.

Katelin said...

oh man i would eat all of that even if it meant my jeans wouldn't fit right, it sounds delicious.