Hello, cruel world: The Hills recap

The Hills has left Paris and returned to LA.

Yay! Says Lauren.

And it's been cut back from the ungodly duration of one hour that I barely made it through last week, and is now back to the much more appropriate 30 minute dose.

Yay!!! By the way, I submit to the Wonders of the World Committee, the phenomenon that is my ability to sit through 6 hours of The Hills in marathon form, but to find a one hour episode insufferable.

So anyway, Auhhhdrehnahh is just thrilled to bits to have her pal back.

Who knows what would have happened if she was left on her own another day. Perhaps she would've returned to that butt itch Justin/Bobby. (Secretly, I really want him to come back to the show. He's just so...fascinatingly empty. And I like his knit, floppy hats.)

The big news this week is that Whitney is planning to leave her job at Teen Vogue. But first, she has to meet with her boss, Lisa.

I sorta forgot all about Lisa in the time since last season, but now that I once again gaze upon her furrowed brow and look of disgust with her employees, I realized how much I missed her.

So Whitney comes to her, ready to discuss her future.

"I really like it here, but I think my future is in stylingk, and I have an interview for a job but I need your blessingk first."
And then Lisa's like, "Ok, whatever. God, what has happened to my career? I work for 25 years, crawling and fighting my way to the top, and now I'm reduced to playing the villain on some pretend reality show on MTV. How did this happen, Whitney?"
"So, can I have your blessingk, or....."

But enough about Whitney. (Let's face it, she's smart and I like her, but...you know, nobody cares.)

Heidi is back at her fake job following an indeterminately long hiatus. Her coworker is like, "Yeah it looks so different here, doesn't it?" Which, to me, says that the whole office was renovated. And that means that Heidi must have been gone a while. But the last episode made it seem she was just gone for a week while Lauren was in Paris...man I am so confused. Can someone from The Hills please email me a timeline?

Now that Heidi is "back at work" she dives right in like a true career woman.

"Here are those files" she says as she approaches her coworker's desk. Seriously? Here are those files? Can we get some better writers? What will Heidi say next? "Can you get the buyers on the phone?" "When are we going to the big meeting?" "Let's talk about the bottom line."

Meanwhile, Spencer is busy not working. And he's gone to visit his sister Stephanie.

Stephanie's apartment looks exactly like Spencer's apartment.


"Ehhh. I don't know what to do. Heidi is the only person in the universe who likes me, kind of."

So he is planning on moving in with Stephanie now that Heidi has kicked him out so that they can continue to date and be in love, even though she's called off the wedding and wants nothing to do with him. Very practical, Heidi. Practical like your new lips.

And by the way, does anyone remember that this was Spencer's apartment? That he owns and invited Heidi to come live in? How does she get to keep it? Spence, grow a pair.

Whitney is off to her interview with Kelly Cutrone, who is, I guess, some important fashion person. And given that, I don't know why she's chosen to dress in a smock from Supercuts.

But I guess bad outfit and cringe-worthy, bullshitting interview skills aside, Ms. Cutrone has decided to give the Whitster a chance to work for her. And then she says my favorite line of the episode: "You're making a deal with the devil. You have to give up your life. The good news is, you get a whole new one."

Is Kelly the new Lisa?

In a restaurant across town, Heidi is having brunch with my new favorite person, Stephanie. And Steph is just delighted about the menu.

"Ooo they have Eggs Benedict. This is like my new favorite place." Hmm, really? This impresses you? Denny's has Eggs Benedict. The buffet at Gold Coast in Vegas had Eggs Benedict.

So then Heidi chimes in.

"I remember when me and Spencer came here, and he was like 'Im gonna order the muscle breakfast,' and I was like, 'Why, cuz you don't have any muscles?' And he got so mad."

Awesome story, Heidi.

Bored already, Stephanie decides she needs to stir things up by telling Heidi that Spencer plans to date other people. And while this isn't exactly true, it's just nice to see her trying to cause trouble.

Go Stephanie! Although, I don't really understand what's going on with your shirt here. It looks like something from my 6th grade teacher's "vacation wardrobe."
***
Night falls and it's time for the girls to go out on the town.


And where else do they go, but Les Deux. Because heaven forbid they go to one of the other approximately 3000 bars in LA.

Soon, they are taken by surprise when Brody and pals arrive.

Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world...


Lauren narrows her eyes and denies him a hug and gets ready to do her favorite thing: feel betrayed by friends and get all worked up about it even though no one really cares any more. What was she mad at Brody about? I forgot.

Oh right, he had a girlfriend or something. And so she confronts him, and then they get in some falling out, yaddi yadda. And who invited the muppet?

While I'm not the least bit interested in this guy trouble of hers, I know one girl who is just dyyyying to listen.


Lo goes to lunch with Lauren and is so caring. "Lauren, tell me what troubles you. Please, you can count on me. Brody doesn't deserve you. You're so great. Please put me in more episodes. Please."

But too bad, this scene was just too boring, Lo. You're on thin ice.

Besides, the episode's coming to a close and there are some important farewells up ahead.

First, Heidi watches on as Spencer moves out.

Dear god, Heidi. What's happened to your face? Just leave it alone aleady.

Good bye, Spencer. And good luck.

I've heard it can be rough out there for rich douchebags living off their parents' money.

And it's time for Whitney's last day.

As sad as I am to see her go, I know this isn't the last we'll see of her.

And I know this because right after this episode ended, a new one started right up.

I'll have to cover that one later. The red wine's kicking in and I'm getting drowzy.