Monday, March 31, 2008

Hello, cruel world: The Hills recap

The Hills has left Paris and returned to LA.

Yay! Says Lauren.

And it's been cut back from the ungodly duration of one hour that I barely made it through last week, and is now back to the much more appropriate 30 minute dose.

Yay!!! By the way, I submit to the Wonders of the World Committee, the phenomenon that is my ability to sit through 6 hours of The Hills in marathon form, but to find a one hour episode insufferable.

So anyway, Auhhhdrehnahh is just thrilled to bits to have her pal back.

Who knows what would have happened if she was left on her own another day. Perhaps she would've returned to that butt itch Justin/Bobby. (Secretly, I really want him to come back to the show. He's just so...fascinatingly empty. And I like his knit, floppy hats.)

The big news this week is that Whitney is planning to leave her job at Teen Vogue. But first, she has to meet with her boss, Lisa.

I sorta forgot all about Lisa in the time since last season, but now that I once again gaze upon her furrowed brow and look of disgust with her employees, I realized how much I missed her.

So Whitney comes to her, ready to discuss her future.

"I really like it here, but I think my future is in stylingk, and I have an interview for a job but I need your blessingk first."
And then Lisa's like, "Ok, whatever. God, what has happened to my career? I work for 25 years, crawling and fighting my way to the top, and now I'm reduced to playing the villain on some pretend reality show on MTV. How did this happen, Whitney?"
"So, can I have your blessingk, or....."

But enough about Whitney. (Let's face it, she's smart and I like her, know, nobody cares.)

Heidi is back at her fake job following an indeterminately long hiatus. Her coworker is like, "Yeah it looks so different here, doesn't it?" Which, to me, says that the whole office was renovated. And that means that Heidi must have been gone a while. But the last episode made it seem she was just gone for a week while Lauren was in I am so confused. Can someone from The Hills please email me a timeline?

Now that Heidi is "back at work" she dives right in like a true career woman.

"Here are those files" she says as she approaches her coworker's desk. Seriously? Here are those files? Can we get some better writers? What will Heidi say next? "Can you get the buyers on the phone?" "When are we going to the big meeting?" "Let's talk about the bottom line."

Meanwhile, Spencer is busy not working. And he's gone to visit his sister Stephanie.

Stephanie's apartment looks exactly like Spencer's apartment.

"Ehhh. I don't know what to do. Heidi is the only person in the universe who likes me, kind of."

So he is planning on moving in with Stephanie now that Heidi has kicked him out so that they can continue to date and be in love, even though she's called off the wedding and wants nothing to do with him. Very practical, Heidi. Practical like your new lips.

And by the way, does anyone remember that this was Spencer's apartment? That he owns and invited Heidi to come live in? How does she get to keep it? Spence, grow a pair.

Whitney is off to her interview with Kelly Cutrone, who is, I guess, some important fashion person. And given that, I don't know why she's chosen to dress in a smock from Supercuts.

But I guess bad outfit and cringe-worthy, bullshitting interview skills aside, Ms. Cutrone has decided to give the Whitster a chance to work for her. And then she says my favorite line of the episode: "You're making a deal with the devil. You have to give up your life. The good news is, you get a whole new one."

Is Kelly the new Lisa?

In a restaurant across town, Heidi is having brunch with my new favorite person, Stephanie. And Steph is just delighted about the menu.

"Ooo they have Eggs Benedict. This is like my new favorite place." Hmm, really? This impresses you? Denny's has Eggs Benedict. The buffet at Gold Coast in Vegas had Eggs Benedict.

So then Heidi chimes in.

"I remember when me and Spencer came here, and he was like 'Im gonna order the muscle breakfast,' and I was like, 'Why, cuz you don't have any muscles?' And he got so mad."

Awesome story, Heidi.

Bored already, Stephanie decides she needs to stir things up by telling Heidi that Spencer plans to date other people. And while this isn't exactly true, it's just nice to see her trying to cause trouble.

Go Stephanie! Although, I don't really understand what's going on with your shirt here. It looks like something from my 6th grade teacher's "vacation wardrobe."
Night falls and it's time for the girls to go out on the town.

And where else do they go, but Les Deux. Because heaven forbid they go to one of the other approximately 3000 bars in LA.

Soon, they are taken by surprise when Brody and pals arrive.

Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world...

Lauren narrows her eyes and denies him a hug and gets ready to do her favorite thing: feel betrayed by friends and get all worked up about it even though no one really cares any more. What was she mad at Brody about? I forgot.

Oh right, he had a girlfriend or something. And so she confronts him, and then they get in some falling out, yaddi yadda. And who invited the muppet?

While I'm not the least bit interested in this guy trouble of hers, I know one girl who is just dyyyying to listen.

Lo goes to lunch with Lauren and is so caring. "Lauren, tell me what troubles you. Please, you can count on me. Brody doesn't deserve you. You're so great. Please put me in more episodes. Please."

But too bad, this scene was just too boring, Lo. You're on thin ice.

Besides, the episode's coming to a close and there are some important farewells up ahead.

First, Heidi watches on as Spencer moves out.

Dear god, Heidi. What's happened to your face? Just leave it alone aleady.

Good bye, Spencer. And good luck.

I've heard it can be rough out there for rich douchebags living off their parents' money.

And it's time for Whitney's last day.

As sad as I am to see her go, I know this isn't the last we'll see of her.

And I know this because right after this episode ended, a new one started right up.

I'll have to cover that one later. The red wine's kicking in and I'm getting drowzy.


Peter said...

Is it just me, or does Stephanie look exactly what you'd expect the offspring of Heidi and Spencer to look like?

Just without the horns.

And Lo's back? Score! Was she good and snarky?

mindy said...

And who invited the muppet?


Sweet jesus. You are going to need to be less funny. My comments have been reduced to repeating something you wrote and then writing HAHAHAHA after it. This is bad.

Lizzie M said...

Very, very nice! You read my mind on several points:

--WTF is up with Whitney's nasal-y voice (aka adding a 'k' to the end of any word ending in a gerund?) for the love of god get that girl a decongestant.

--"Here are those files"--Classic!! They couldn't come up with something better than that?? I am going to try to use that line at work today.

My real life connection to The Hills is that one of my co-workers is friends with a guy who is marrying one of Whitney's friend, and he and Whitney are going to be in the wedding party together. I'm sending him with explicit instructions to take lots of pictures.

Julie_Gong said...

I'm so glad you recap these so I don't have to watch them.

And the muppet comment WAS totally ace.

Just another silly girl said...

Your recap of Lisa's response to Whitney nearly made me spit my damn coffee on my keyboard. Holy good god that cracked me up.

I watched these last night (sadly, I'm such a loser I even stayed up for the second one, which is seriously pushing past my elderly bedtime). I'm so glad it's obvious to everyone else that Heidi is pulling a Jackson. You were disturbing enough with out the plastic, Heidi.

I can't help but love Lo. I think she and Whitney should find new friends and go be normal together somewhere. Also, I yearn for the return of JustinBobby, in a masochistic kind of way.

I have many more comments, but I think they are mostly on the second episode, so I'll wait for your re-cap. These are pretty much becoming the highlight of my week.

Lacey Bean said...

Hill-arious. (Bwah ha ha). No seriously, Heidi needs to stop injecting her lips with collagen or whatever the hell she is doing to her face that's making her look like Lisa Rinna.

surviving myself said...

I don't like this show, but I like you, so here's what I think:

I like Brody because I heard that he is related to Kim Kardashian and she is the hottest woman alive and I want to do bad things to her.

Tia said...

ugh i literally wanted to GOUGE MY EYES out while i was watching last night.

1) heidi's lips are RIDICULOUS.
2) what's up w/ Lo looking so beat? would it kill the girl to slap a little makeup on when she's going to be on national television? i love her, but still.
3) the fake-ness of this show rivals the fake-ness of heidi's lips. it cannot be stated enough.

but yet, i still watch.

devin said...

"here are those folders" reminds me of Fred Armisen's "College of Excellence" sketch from a few weeks ago on SNL, where they spoofed those tacky infomercials for questionable "business colleges". in fact, i think "here are those folders" was actually one of the things they claimed to teach you to say so you can succeed in business. that and things like: "Will Anderson be at the meeting?" or "make four copies of this, please."

gunn said...

Not trying to sound like a tool here ,but how do you find the time to watch this crap?
I mean my social calendar is so full as it is I can just barely squeeze in Top Chef and Paula Deen.

I will however, have to try the red wine thing.

Kristen said...

I started crying laughing at work when I read the part about the muppit. I didn't even notice it/him!

Katelin said...

man i love this show. and your recap pretty muchs sums it all up. i was so annoyed that it was two episodes though. i can only give up 30 mins of my life a week not an hour, sheesh mtv. and it's the same thing next week too, ridiculous i say!

Inono said...

I guess I'm the only one that could watch this rediculousness for hours on end. I love that its now an hour long!

I'm confused by the week long trip to Paris. Is Paris in some sort of time warp where a week equals 6 months of LA time? Otherwise the "fight" between Brody and Lauren makes no sense.

arimcg said...

The story about Spencer's muscles nearly killed me. She really thought it was a funny story. I would have had to hit my head against the table at that moment if I was Stephanie.

Chardsy said...

What did she do to her face??? I mean, c'mon! What is she thinking?

Hollywood Sucker said...

peter- No, Lo was so dull!

mindy- Hey, I'm just happy to have comments

lizzie- oh really? yeah I used to work with someone who knew whitney through like 2 degrees of separation. she's everywhere...

julie- thanks. i picture that guy was sitting there like "oh my god, i cant believe i'm here with these people" or he just sat there and everyone thought he must have been with someone else.

silly girl- yeah i've gotta get into that second one more intensely. i was half way done writing the first one when i realized my tv was playing a second episode. it takes too much energy to do two in a row!

lacey- good call. the future lisa rinna.

surviving- he isn't related, he is her step brother. god, i cant believe i know that.

tia- i agree. get lo some make up. though, not as much as Heidi's got on these days.

devin- i thought the same thing. probably because we always think the same thing.

gunn- i don't just find the time. i make the time.

kristen- i want to know who that muppet is.

katelin- I know! and i can't keep up with recaps when there are two episodes at once.

inono- Yeah, I don't get why Lauren keeps acting like she was gone for so long. I give up on guessing.

arimcg- I was embarrassed for Heidi. I hate when people tell bad stories.

chardsy- Yeah maybe Spencer should step in and be like, "I wanted you to get plastic surgery, babe, but not THIS much."

Angela said...

Haha, I must say this post made me laugh! Heidi's face is starting to look like a balloon, you're right there. And I think Kelly Cutrone is going to be so much more of a bitch than Lisa Love ever was. Kelly needs to take a chill pill.

Anonymous said...

You realize there was another episode on after the first one right? It was where Lauren and Stephanie become BFFs. Next week is 2 episodes as well.

Anonymous said...

I love that you commented on Whitney's "k" sounds at the end of ing words. I'm not sure if it's endearing or if I want to punch her.

-First time commenter Kristin. But you can just call me Kristin.

apricot. said...

"Dear god, Heidi. What's happened to your face? Just leave it alone aleady."


Hollywood Sucker said...

angela- Kelly needs to get some. I bet.

anonymous- Yeah but I have been so busy I haven't had time to do the other one!

anonymous/kristen- maybe she has a serious speech impediment and we shouldn't make fun of her. just kiddingk!

apricot- one more move and she's gonna look nuts.

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