The Hills Recap: The One Where No One Gets Any...Ever.

Here I am, back from an accidental week off from Hills coverage.  And believe me, I've learned my lesson.  You see,  I skipped last week's episode, which was chock full of gloriously nonsensical conversation and adorably identifiable plot points.  And now I'm stuck with this week's stinker of an episode, chock full of dead air and Stephanie's stupid face.  

But oh well.  We must forge ahead.

The episode begins inside the mysterious walls of People's Revolution.  Whitney and Lauren are busy writing out price tags for all of Kelly's high fashion hideous nightmare clothes.

Lauren: Wait, is this the right price?
Whitney: I think it needs more zeroes.
Lauren: Good call.
Whitney: So I'm going to New York tomorrow.
Lauren: Really?  How come?
Whitney: Well when I got promoted yesterday Kelly told me I'd need to be ready to go to New York at a moments notice.  And I guess she meant we're goingk right away.  Thankfully I have no friends outside of work, so I had no plans to cancel.


Lauren: You got promoted?
Whitney: Yeah... Why?
Lauren: No, it's just interesting.  I mean, it's a show about me and here I am constantly following in your footsteps.  No promotions ever.  
Whitney: We can trade places if you want.  And you can be the one with a real job and then I can be the overpaid brat who designs a line of hideous dresses made entirely of jersey knit cotton.


Lauren: Okay, that's enough.
Whitney: I'm just sayingk your dresses look like my sheets.  Anyway, not to kick you while you're down, but how are things goingk with Doug?
Lauren: Not so good.
Whitney: (Sucks air in through teeth) Are you over it?
Lauren: It's not so much that I'm over it...I mean he's just as bland as anyone I've ever dated so I can deal with him...but I think it's about time I break up with a guy before he breaks up with me.  You know, for street cred.
Whitney: Yeah.  You were startingk to look pathetic.
Lauren: Exactly. Who does he think he is anyway? He's just a Laguna cameo. And I just remember liking him more than this the first time around. When I was 17. I'm just surprised I don't like him the same amount again.
Whitney: Yeah that is weird. Everyone likes the same things they liked in high school. So when are you goingk to end thingks?
Lauren: (Deep breath. Big sigh.) I guess at the end of the episode? After I tell everyone about it. And make him look like an ass.


The following day, Lauren meets Stephanie on their Fashion Institute campus to discuss a very important matter gunking up the works. See, last week Stephanie threw herself a little birthday bash, and Lo and Lauren were invited. All was well until Stephanie's beautifully evil brother Spencer showed up with Heidi, bearing gifts and attempting to make nice. This pissed Lauren off, as she felt Spencer had no good reason to be at his sister's birthday festivities. Clearly, Lauren's nemesis only reared his white-haired head to cause her undue distress.

Aaaaand action:

Stephanie: Good morning.
Lauren: What's up?
Stephanie: My brother disowned me.


Lauren: Cool.
Stephanie: Yeah, I mean, it's weird. He's like, my only brother so I sort of thought it would be cool if we spoke to one another.
Lauren: But he's an asshole. And he always has been. If you think about it, you'll realize.
Stephanie: No, I know you're right. He's always been a jerk. There was this one time I was sick with the flu and he set all my Barbie dolls on fire. I mean, it was hilarious and it cheered me up at the time but--
Lauren: But those were YOUR dolls. Don't you see?


Stephanie: Their little faces melting off...haha. (Clears throat, snaps out of it.) Yeah, no I see. Um, anyway, are we still friends?
Lauren: Let me think about it for a second.

Lauren looks off into the sky. Stephanie chews her fingernails and rocks back and forth.

Lauren: I have decided...
Stephanie: Yeah? Yeah?
Lauren: That we can still be friends. I deem you worthy, good sister. You may live.


Stephanie: Thankyou thankyou thankyou. You're such a good friend.
Lauren: If I wasn't your friend, I'd be nothing at all at this point.

Meanwhile, across the nation in New York City, Whitney's working at Kelly's side.

And this woman is wishing her ass wasn't caught on camera in this particular pair of pants:



When Whitney arrives at the office, Kelly practically falls to the ground.


Kelly: We're so damn busy I'm about to shit myself. Thank god you're here!
Whitney: Oh, wow. Okay well what can I do?
Kelly: Come with me. There are all of these guy models and they need to not wear shirts.
Whitney: I see.
Kelly: Move! Move! Move! For the love of all that is holy!

She runs off screaming like a madwoman and Whitney follows her to another room, where a bunch of male models are meandering around clothing racks like lost cattle.

Kelly: Hey, Other Girl. Looks who's here. It's Whitney!
Other Girl: Oh fabulous hell! Help me Rhonda! We need you NOOOOWW!
Kelly: NOW!
Other Girl: AAAHHH!
Whitney: Well it's a good thing I got promoted and ended up here. What can I do?
Other Girl: Take these models, and put them in onesies.
Whitney: Onesies? Wait. I thought they were supposed to be taking off their shirts.


Kelly: Don't undermine me, you little booger. I need them in onesies now. Glamorous, package-highlighting onesies.
Whitney: Um. Got it.
Kelly: Onesies, woman!
Whitney: I've. Got. It.

Whitney gets to work randomly pulling t-shirts and jeans and onesies off the clothing racks and handing them casually to the models. Thank heavens she showed up, or Kelly would've been forced to put her intern (or her 8 year old niece or that homeless guy hanging outside of their building) on this incredibly difficult job assignment. As Kelly eyes all of the models, one man in particular catches her eye.

Kelly: Hey you. What's your name?
Alex: It's Alex.


Kelly: Where are you from?
Alex: California. I went to USC.
Whitney: I went to USC.
Alex: Really?
Other model: I went to USC too.
Kelly: Shut up, dipshit. I'm talking to Alex for a reason.  Alex, please continue.
Alex: (To Whitney) What house were you in?
Whitney: I wasn't in a sorority. I was actually too rich to be in one, so...
Alex: Awesome.

And so Kelly, finding herself quite taken by this enchanting young man, invites Alex out for drinks with the People's Revolution.

Back in the city of angels, Spencer and Heidi go out for a romantic dinner. Spencer rolls up to the valet, looking as bad ass as ever.


Once seated, Speidi discovers they have even less to talk about than the public and the show's producer's speculated.

Heidi: So...
Spencer: It's nice to finally be out together with you. After your sister's 2 day visit I was beginning to worry we'd never have any time alone again.
Heidi: Well, at least my sister still likes me.
Spencer: Give me a few months. I can fix that.


Heidi: You know, maybe you should just get over yourself and make up with your sister.
Spencer: Make out with my sister? What's wrong with you, pig?
Heidi: I said make UP, not make OUT. And anyway, you're pathetic.
Spencer: I'll make UP with my sister the day she stops being friends with LC.
Heidi: Oh, that's the other thing I meant to nitpick you about. No one calls her LC anymore. That was so Laguna. Anyway, I just want you to know I miss spending time with Stephanie.
Spencer: Then go hang out with her. Just don't come home to me.


And then Spencer delivers his deliciously evil line of the episode: "Well, time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear."

I get chills, Spencer. I just get chills.



Later that night, Lauren's out on a date with her pseudo boyfriend Brody. And, much to my infinite glee, she is sporting a hairstyle with braids on BOTH sides of her head instead of her usual...um...onesie.


As soon as she sits down, Brody points out all of her bracelets and wants to know what they're about.

Lauren: (To left arm) These are my sparklies (then, to right arm) and these are my friendships.

In the voice of a 6 year old.  "These are my sparklies and these are my friendships."  I make 75 thousand dollars an episode.

Lauren then goes on about her friendship bracelets.

Lauren: This one's for my momma (gag me with a spoon) and this one's Stephanie.

To this, Brody conveys the same exact eye-rolling, exasperated, why-am-I-putting-myself-through-this? reaction that I felt while watching this episode.

Brody: Stephanie?  I just don't trust her.
Lauren: Yeah, you mentioned that. I don't see why not. There's nothing about her natural appearance that makes her seem oddly suspicious. It's not like you'd take one look at her laser-eyes and think "she's up to no good."


Brody: Fine. Just keep doing what yer doing.
Lauren: Hey, 1999 called. It wants its shirt back.
Brody: Hey, I'm rich and famous and I don't really give a shit called.  And it said to say what's up.
Lauren: That's not how the joke works.
Brody: You're not how the joke works.
Lauren: Brody!

And then homeboy decides to put the moves on her. Brody's actual line: "Can we talk about us getting naked tonight?"

Lauren, ever the ill-advised prude, turns him down. Turns him down! WTF? Ok, I admit that's a horrible line, but if it was delivered by the only guy who likes me, and that one and only prospect was actually pretty cute, and if my public was watching my show and beginning to wonder if I had some debilitating sex-phobia that prevented me from behaving like a normal 22 year old who gets drunk and hooks up with rich boys just so they can get a free meal...well then I'd take the bait. So just man up, Lauren Conrad.

Anyway, so back in NYC, Whitney waits in the lobby of a hotel to have drinks with her coworkers and newly-forced-upon-her model Alex. When he shows up, the two exchange a painfully awkward hug/cheek kiss combo, and then he sits down and launches into an even more uncomfortable conversation.


Alex: So did you guys book me for the job?
Whitney: Ah...uh,,,,
Alex: No. I'm kidding I'm kidding.
Whitney: Oh my gosh, you're hilarious!
Alex: But really. Did you book me?
Whitney: My phone's ringing.


And it's Kelly calling to let her know that she isn't coming and that Whitney will indeed need to fly solo on this little date she's arranged. I sense a love affair brewing!

Lauren's getting no love, meanwhile, as she shows up at Stephanie's apartment, ready for a night out on the town.


Stephanie: Wow you look so cute!
Lauren: I do? I wasn't sure. Usually Lo tells me that I look nice but she's been mysteriously absent all episode so I needed some reassurance.
Stephanie: Well trust me. You look good. Your outfit reminds me of this pirate wench Halloween costume I bought from Rite Aid when I was in 10th grade.
Lauren: Thanks.
Stephanie: I have no idea what I'm gonna wear though.
Lauren: Oh really? You're not dressed?  Then your loungewear is something else!



Stephanie: So...
Lauren: So...
Stephanie: So here we are on my couch. It's fun, huh?



Lauren: Yeah, I've been thinking I should get an eighth couch in my house.
Stephanie: It's lonely around here though. Sometimes I'm forced to talk to my hamster.
Lauren: I thought you had a guinea pig.
Stephanie: Whatever. Hamster/guinea pig/underfed servant boy.
Lauren: Well is he like this big?


Stephanie: Yeah.
Lauren: Then it's a guinea pig.
Stephanie: Thank god it's not a servant boy.  I didn't wanna have to pay him.
Lauren: You pay yours? 

Stephanie: No! Hahahaha.
Lauren: You're hilarious!

The following day, Stephanie drops by Heidi and Spencer's apartment and she brings a peace offering.


Spencer: I don't know, Steph. The packaging's a little...loud.
Stephanie: But it's fun. And Lauren helped me pick it out and--
Spencer: What? Who did what now?
Stephanie: Um. Nothing. Please just open my present.
Spencer: Fine.

Spencer rummages around in giant gift bag. Produces book on the C.I.A.


Spencer: Alright. This isn't half bad.
Stephanie: Yay! I knew you'd like it.
Spencer: You know, since I don't work, I spend my 24 hours a day of free time reading books. I'm up to a 9th grade reading level now.


Stephanie: Good for you!
Spencer: And I've been so into the C.I.A. lately. Some effed up stuff. Did you know that they are fully aware and can prove the existence of alien life, but they're hiding it from citizens?
Stephanie: Everyone knows that.
Spencer: Did you also know that a few years ago members of the C.I.A. met with top television executives to create an irresistable program about a group of uninteresting overprivileged kids who just sit around and shoot the shit in one another's apartments? It was part of an experiment to see how many working drones out there would waste their time watching the show.
Stephanie: Really? And did the experiment work?
Spencer: Pretty much. C.I.A. operatives found that the subjects who became most obsessed with the program were the talented, intelligent ones who could probably find a better use for their time.

Stephanie: That's fascinating.

Spencer: You think so?

Stephanie: Not really.  I don't care about anything. 

And then the episode finally begins to wrap up. "But wait," you interrupt. "I thought Lauren hated Doug now. Isn't she supposed to break up with him?"

Yes, of course. And so she shows up at his appropriately sized bachelor pad to break the news.



Lauren: Thanks for inviting me over.
Doug: After you didn't return my calls for a few weeks I got nervous. But I feel better now because I know that when someone drives over just to talk after being completely unavailable for a period of time, it's usually because they're looking to get some.


Lauren: Right. Well, um. I just wanted to say...Hey, do you mind if I don't look at you for the rest of the time I'm here?
Doug: No problemo, babetard.


Lauren: Thanks. I've been thinking and--
Doug: Hey, do you want some garlic bread by the way? I just ordered some lunch and I feel bad that I didn't get you anything.
Lauren: No, Doug. That's fine. As I was saying, I have been thinking and I'm just not sure I see this working between us.
Doug: That's bullshit. We were obviously having a good time. Here, have some garlic bread and shut up.
Lauren: I don't want your god damn bread, Doug. I want you to listen to me. This isn't working. There are no sparks. There's no chemistry. We can be friends, but I don't see us being more. There's no future. Do you understand?



Doug: Not really.
Lauren: I don't want your bone...dude.
Doug: Ouch. Not cool.
Lauren: Sorry.
Doug: Well whatever. Can I just hug you good bye so you leave now? If we're not gonna do it then I'd like to get back to this lunch. Killer alfredo!
Lauren: Very well. Good bye, Doug. I look forward to being your friend. And I'm sure you'll come to treasure our friendship. I am, after all, a good good friend.
Doug: K, skanktastic my food's getting cold. Peace.