Oh hi there. It's been a while since I did one of these. And it's the perfect time because in the past 7 days I've had 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and 2 tuna melts. That's right, 4 sandwiches that are made by slathering butter on the outside of the bread, then frying it. 4 sandwiches filled with cheese, 2 of which are also made up of 90% mayonnaise.
It began over the weekend, when Devin and I were at a wedding near Buffalo, NY. We were staying at Beaver Hollow (hehe), a resort in the middle of the woods. There was no cell phone service and no sign of civilization, except for Smokey's Bar and Grill, located about a mile up the road. We went there after we arrived at Beaver Hollow on Friday and I was starving. As we pulled our rental car into Smokey's gravel parking lot, I noticed no other cars parked out front and wondered if perhaps the establishment was closed. But when we went inside, I was surprised to find it quite full of patrons. How had they gotten here? Had they just emerged from the woods? By the looks of them, probably.
The menu featured a great many re-workings of two key food stuffs - ground beef and breaded chicken fingers. The only thing I saw on the menu that I could eat: grilled cheese.
To my delight, the grilled cheese sandwich totally ruled. The bread was crisp and yellow, having apparently soaked overnight in a tub of melted butter. The cheese was of the unfortunately delicious, processed variety. Bright orange, like a traffic cone.
That night, after the rehearsal dinner, everyone gathered around a bonfire and drank. We woke up at noon the next day, missing breakfast by several hours. The kitchen at Beaver Hollow doesn't stay open all day, and so we knew we'd need to go back to Smokey's. This time we brought some new friends we'd made --wedding guests on the groom's side who were in need of some good greasy food.
Surprisingly, the menu hadn't changed on my second visit to Smokey's. And so again, I ordered the grilled cheese. It was just as delicious. But I was beginning to worry I'd gone too far.
Cut to yesterday. Lunch time. I go out with two friends to a little diner. Before I even get there, I know I want the tuna melt.
And so I order just that, and I eat it. ALL OF IT.
WITH FRENCH FRIES.
This morning, when I got dressed, I could barely fit my fat mass into my jeans. And even after I managed to zip them shut, I found it hard to walk or sit.
Today, I told Devin to meet me for lunch at the same diner. Without even meditating on it, my fat self was demanding another tuna melt. Must...have...butter crusted bread...melted cheese...
Let me also interject that I started my morning off with a mocha latte with WHIPPED CREAM.
When Devin and I sat down at the restaurant, I confessed my dilemma. "I want a tuna melt. But I can't. I CAN'T."
"Oh, just get it," he responded.
"Okay. Good point."
And so with that I came to consume my 4th fried sandwich of the week.
I am banning them from my diet until my jeans fit comfortably again.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
3 Items to Discuss On This Wednesday
Item 1: Subway
I was just at Subway picking up some lunch and I noticed something that I've noticed before. When you ask for cheese, you get 2 measly triangles that are so thin they are nearly translucent. When you ask for tomatoes on your sub, you get 3 slices the size of nickels.
But when you ask for banana peppers, your whole sub becomes 80% banana peppers. The sandwich-maker sticks both hands into the banana pepper tub, scoops out giant mountains of peppers, and mashes them onto the sub. Peppers are falling off the top of the heap, but the sandwich-maker gathers them up and places them back on top. They add the top half of the roll, then cram more banana peppers into the crevices on both sides of the sub. "Would you like some extra banana peppers in a little cup on the side? In case you need more?"
I've noticed this also happens if you request jalapeños or dill pickles. Those little items that are only meant to add a touch of flavor.
Why?
Item 2: Excess of Target clothing
While I was waiting in line to pay for my banana pepper sub, I looked down and admired my shoes. "You'd never guess they were from Target," I thought to myself. Then I noticed my pants are from Target. And so is my shirt. Indeed, Target clothes are to my closet as banana peppers are to my sub.
I didn't want it to be this way. I know I am thrifty. And poor. And that I hate spending a lot of money on clothes because I always end up spilling soy sauce or red wine all over them. But still...a whole outfit from Target?
Item 3: The dent in my car
Once I left Subway, I got in my car to drive back to work. As I drove through the parking lot, I slowed down to go over the speed bumps. It was at one of these speed bumps that a man in a truck going the opposite direction waved his hand to get my attention. I nearly ignored him, but then noticed he was looking at the side of my car. Right away, I knew what he was trying to tell me. I rolled down my window to see if my hunch was right.
"I can fix that scratch on the side for ya," he offered.
"Oh...um..."
"I work at a dealership, but I will do it on the side. I'll fix the paint, pop out those dents."
You see, I got my car brand new 2 years ago. When I drove it off the lot it had 24 miles on it.
I bought the car to replace Misty, my previous car, who was killed in an accident. Misty also had a giant scratch along her side, resulting from a parking garage with tight corners and a big cement pole near my assigned space. I'd done this damage about 3 days after moving into my first apartment in LA.
When I drove Misty around, I'd often get stopped by car repair people --when she was parked at the 7/11, when I'd pick her up at valet --who would offer to fix the damage. "How dare they!" I thought. "How do they know I don't like my car all scratched up. And...and who are they to butt in and point out her flaws?"
Still, when I brought my brand spankin' new car, I was happy to drive something around that wasn't all scratched up.
This lasted for about 2 months. Until I pulled into my parking space and scratched the whole side of it. Same situation, different parking space. Go me!
And so when this guy in the Subway parking lot pointed out my unsightly dent, I tried to pretend there was no dent.
"It's fine! I hardly notice it!"
He had a little kid in the passenger seat. I could see him pearing from behind his dad's shoulder. Judging me. I pictured them later driving off, the father saying to his boy, "Now when you grow up, you have to take good care of your things. Or you'll be like that lady with the banged up car."
The man was persistent.
"Won't take me long. I'll charge you $170."
Cars were backing up behind both of us. The kid was squirming around in the passenger seat. I was holding him up from his Subway lunch.
I sighed. "Fine. I'll think about it."
"Great. I'm Peter. Just ask for me at the Ford dealership up the road."
I know already I'll never go get the dent repaired. But I'm getting a step closer. And I know that years from now, when I scratch up my next car, I'll be sure to get it fixed immediately.
I was just at Subway picking up some lunch and I noticed something that I've noticed before. When you ask for cheese, you get 2 measly triangles that are so thin they are nearly translucent. When you ask for tomatoes on your sub, you get 3 slices the size of nickels.
But when you ask for banana peppers, your whole sub becomes 80% banana peppers. The sandwich-maker sticks both hands into the banana pepper tub, scoops out giant mountains of peppers, and mashes them onto the sub. Peppers are falling off the top of the heap, but the sandwich-maker gathers them up and places them back on top. They add the top half of the roll, then cram more banana peppers into the crevices on both sides of the sub. "Would you like some extra banana peppers in a little cup on the side? In case you need more?"
I've noticed this also happens if you request jalapeños or dill pickles. Those little items that are only meant to add a touch of flavor.
Why?
Item 2: Excess of Target clothing
While I was waiting in line to pay for my banana pepper sub, I looked down and admired my shoes. "You'd never guess they were from Target," I thought to myself. Then I noticed my pants are from Target. And so is my shirt. Indeed, Target clothes are to my closet as banana peppers are to my sub.
I didn't want it to be this way. I know I am thrifty. And poor. And that I hate spending a lot of money on clothes because I always end up spilling soy sauce or red wine all over them. But still...a whole outfit from Target?
Item 3: The dent in my car
Once I left Subway, I got in my car to drive back to work. As I drove through the parking lot, I slowed down to go over the speed bumps. It was at one of these speed bumps that a man in a truck going the opposite direction waved his hand to get my attention. I nearly ignored him, but then noticed he was looking at the side of my car. Right away, I knew what he was trying to tell me. I rolled down my window to see if my hunch was right.
"I can fix that scratch on the side for ya," he offered.
"Oh...um..."
"I work at a dealership, but I will do it on the side. I'll fix the paint, pop out those dents."
You see, I got my car brand new 2 years ago. When I drove it off the lot it had 24 miles on it.
I bought the car to replace Misty, my previous car, who was killed in an accident. Misty also had a giant scratch along her side, resulting from a parking garage with tight corners and a big cement pole near my assigned space. I'd done this damage about 3 days after moving into my first apartment in LA.
When I drove Misty around, I'd often get stopped by car repair people --when she was parked at the 7/11, when I'd pick her up at valet --who would offer to fix the damage. "How dare they!" I thought. "How do they know I don't like my car all scratched up. And...and who are they to butt in and point out her flaws?"
Still, when I brought my brand spankin' new car, I was happy to drive something around that wasn't all scratched up.
This lasted for about 2 months. Until I pulled into my parking space and scratched the whole side of it. Same situation, different parking space. Go me!
And so when this guy in the Subway parking lot pointed out my unsightly dent, I tried to pretend there was no dent.
"It's fine! I hardly notice it!"
He had a little kid in the passenger seat. I could see him pearing from behind his dad's shoulder. Judging me. I pictured them later driving off, the father saying to his boy, "Now when you grow up, you have to take good care of your things. Or you'll be like that lady with the banged up car."
The man was persistent.
"Won't take me long. I'll charge you $170."
Cars were backing up behind both of us. The kid was squirming around in the passenger seat. I was holding him up from his Subway lunch.
I sighed. "Fine. I'll think about it."
"Great. I'm Peter. Just ask for me at the Ford dealership up the road."
I know already I'll never go get the dent repaired. But I'm getting a step closer. And I know that years from now, when I scratch up my next car, I'll be sure to get it fixed immediately.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
These Kids and Their MTV
We're throwing a Halloween party. It's our third one and I'm pleased Halloween is finally landing on a weekend.
Because I'm excited, and because I haven't had much to do at work lately, and because the last episode of The Hills was boring and I don't have much to say about it on Hollywood Sucker, I've spent the day planning for the party.
After sending out the invitations (not using evite...I can't stand evite any more) and ordering decorations (streamers! and paper bats!), I decided to make a playlist.
Obviously I don't have my itunes library here with me at work, so I figured I would think of some new songs I can download.
It took me all of 20 seconds to realize I couldn't name one new song ---and certainly nothing anyone would want to hear at a party. I don't have much of a drive to work in the mornings, so I don't really listen to the radio in my car. And I don't get out much, so I'm not really around DJs at clubs.
So I found myself on MTV.com, watching 25 music videos I'd never seen --mostly by artists I'd never heard of --jotting down songs I liked.
I don't have a point to this story, other than to remark on how old and out of touch that made me feel.
And while I'm (sort of) on the topic of my Halloween party --can anyone tell me what to be for Halloween? I have no ideas.
My top 3 options so far:
1. A martini (but I was a margarita last year and I don't want to be stuck in a rut)
2. A fairy (but there isn't anything funny or clever about this...I just like wings...)
3. A sweatsuit
Please help.
Because I'm excited, and because I haven't had much to do at work lately, and because the last episode of The Hills was boring and I don't have much to say about it on Hollywood Sucker, I've spent the day planning for the party.
After sending out the invitations (not using evite...I can't stand evite any more) and ordering decorations (streamers! and paper bats!), I decided to make a playlist.
Obviously I don't have my itunes library here with me at work, so I figured I would think of some new songs I can download.
It took me all of 20 seconds to realize I couldn't name one new song ---and certainly nothing anyone would want to hear at a party. I don't have much of a drive to work in the mornings, so I don't really listen to the radio in my car. And I don't get out much, so I'm not really around DJs at clubs.
So I found myself on MTV.com, watching 25 music videos I'd never seen --mostly by artists I'd never heard of --jotting down songs I liked.
I don't have a point to this story, other than to remark on how old and out of touch that made me feel.
And while I'm (sort of) on the topic of my Halloween party --can anyone tell me what to be for Halloween? I have no ideas.
My top 3 options so far:
1. A martini (but I was a margarita last year and I don't want to be stuck in a rut)
2. A fairy (but there isn't anything funny or clever about this...I just like wings...)
3. A sweatsuit
Please help.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Good News For Booze Enthusiasts
From the gmail labs: Mail Goggles. This application for your gmail aims to prevent you from sending drunk emails. The feature activates late at night, and forces you to complete a series of math problems before allowing you to send your alcohol-fueled, poorly typed and over emotional email to your ex, your long lost friend, your crush.
For more information, read here.
I was going to write something like "Why didn't they have this when I was still single?" But then I realized gmail didn't exist then either. And that I've actually never sent a drunk email. (Usually I prefer to embarrass myself in person.)
But anyway, I'm ever impressed by new technology. I want an application like this for iTunes. Something needs to stop me from getting drunk and downloading songs just because I liked them in 8th grade (See: Nada Surf's "Popular") or because I heard it on the radio earlier in the week and desperately needed to hear it again (See: Snoop Dogg "My Medicine").
For more information, read here.
I was going to write something like "Why didn't they have this when I was still single?" But then I realized gmail didn't exist then either. And that I've actually never sent a drunk email. (Usually I prefer to embarrass myself in person.)
But anyway, I'm ever impressed by new technology. I want an application like this for iTunes. Something needs to stop me from getting drunk and downloading songs just because I liked them in 8th grade (See: Nada Surf's "Popular") or because I heard it on the radio earlier in the week and desperately needed to hear it again (See: Snoop Dogg "My Medicine").
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
The Hills Recap: Star-Crossed Lovers
Last week, Heidi's mom came to town to check in on her little blonde angels and see how they were fairing in the big city and with the Big Shitty (Spencer). Her visit brought her to tears as Spencer acted like an asshole and Heidi, quite frustratingly, defended him. "He's not that bad. He's just ruining our lives. And yes, Mom, he has a real job. He's a producer. It's super important."
After witnessing this family drama, big sister Holly decided to launch her plan to reunite Heidi and Lauren, thereby saving the pair and securing her role on The Hills. It's time to put an end to Speidi and move forward with Laurdi. (I don't know yet if it's pronounced Lordy or Lardy. I prefer the latter.)
STEP ONE: HANG OUT WITH LAUREN ON A SEMI-REGULAR BASIS
We join Lauren and Lo in their kitchen.
Lo: Morning, shmoopie!
Lauren: Hey. How's it going?
Lo: Great! I like your new headband. It's like you have a banana on your head.
Lauren: Thanks...what's wrong with your mouth?
Lo: What ever do you mean?
Lauren: It's all red and irritated.
Lo: Oh, right. I was just practicing kissing with the bathroom mirror again. I think Conchita is using some weird new glass cleaner that I'm allergic to. Remind me to leave her a note.
Lauren: Will do. Hey, are you busy later? Holly invited me out for drinks.
Lo: Holly? Again?
Lauren: Is that bad?
And then Lo says something that really confuses me. "Drinks are harmless." Ah, yes, isn't that what everyone's always saying about drinks? How harmless they are. How they never lead to inappropriate behavior, regrettable hookups, accidental divulgence of secret information, unimpressive dance moves, and Sundays wasted hugging a bottle of gatorade and watching Julia Roberts movies on TNT.
Drinks are harmless. Harmless, I tell you!
STEP TWO: RUB IT IN HEIDI'S FACE
Heidi and Holly meet up for a nice lunch.
Heidi: (perusing menu) Hmmm. What looks good? Ooo heirloom tomato sal--
Holly: I'm hanging out with Lauren.
Heidi: That's...nice.
Holly: Yeah she is so fun! Don't you think so?
Heidi: If memory serves...
Holly: Yeah we went to breakfast the other day and now we're going to S Bar. I haven't been yet.
Heidi: Why are you telling me all this?
Holly: What? Are you jealous?
Heidi: Yes.
Holly: Excellent...
Meanwhile, Audrina is blissfully unaware of the Laurdi activities. She is out on a date with Colin, a man who is intentionally the opposite of Justin/Bobby.
He is conversational, clean, and lacks that certain horrible something that just makes you want to sleep with him despite your better judgment. (You know what I mean, right? No? Just me. Ok then.)
Colin: I'm really glad you came out with me tonight.
Audrina: Well thanks for asking me out, Justin.
Colin: It's Colin.
Audrina: What is?
Colin: Me. I'm Colin.
Audrina: Duh... Have you had too much to drink or something? You're acting weird.
Colin: No. And even if I did, I'm not a weird drunk. I'm a happy drunk.
Audrina: Justin's a mean drunk. We fight every time. He just gets so bossy. And full of himself. And he starts ordering me around...and it's just so...hot.
Colin: Um.
Audrina: Justin has a shirt just like the one you're wearing. His has a big barbecue sauce stain on the front though.
Colin: Look, I don't know who this Justin character is, but I've had just about enough of him.
Audrina: Oh, Colin, I like when you get angry.
Meanwhile, in another fancy place in Hollywood, Holly is working her plan.
STEP THREE: DO A SOLID HEIDI IMPRESSION AND HOPE FOR THE BEST
Holly meets Lo and Lauren, who all but burst into tears at the sight of her. And no, not because her hair's so tall, but because she allegedly reminds them so much of Heidi.
Lo: It's uncanny.
Lauren: You're just like her.
Holly: Um...really?
Lauren: Yes. Like twins.
Holly: Hum. That's interesting. You know, these are my real boobs. And everything on my face...it's real.
Lo: That's exactly what Heidi would say.
Lauren: Adorable.
Holly: Ok. So I take it you miss her?
Lauren: Yes.
Lo: Totally.
Holly pulls out a tiny notepad.
Holly: How much would you say you miss Heidi on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "Heidi who?" and 10 being "She completes me"?
Lauren: I'd say about a 7.
Holly: Hmmph.
Holly writes something, then closes her notepad, shoves it back into her purse, and lifts up her drink.
Holly: Well. Cheers!
Lo: Yay I love this part! Cheers!
STEP FOUR: RECONCILIATORY CORRESPONDENCE
Holly really timed this out perfectly. She had Heidi write a good old fashioned love letter to Lauren, and then sent it out so that Lauren would get it the morning after Step 3 was put into action.
Lauren brings the note with her to work to get Whitney's opinion on it. Oh yeah, Whitney's on this show. I forgot.
Whitney: What's this?
Lauren: A letter from Heidi.
Whitney: Oh wow. That's crazy. Can I read it?
Lauren: Of course.
Whitney: Dear Lauren. I've been thinkingk about you and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everythingk I did. You're a good friend. I like butterflies, do you like them too? My favorite color is purple. I have a cat named Binxworth. Your friend, Heidi.
Lauren: What should I do?
Whitney: I don't know.
Lauren: Then why are you even in this episode?
Across town and still totally unaware of all things Laurdi, Audrina goes on date #2 with Whats-His-Face.
Colin: How was work?
Audrina: Good. I was tired though. Justin called and I was up all night talking to him.
Colin: Outstanding.
It doesn't take long for Colin to realize that Audrina's too caught up in her old flame to give him a fair chance. He probably should've realized this on the first date, but we can't all be geniuses.
And speaking of geniuses, mastermind Holly is still working feverishly to reunite Lauren and Heidi. She drops by Lauren's house to carry out step 5.
STEP FIVE: ENSURE RECONCILIATORY CORRESPONDENCE WAS RECEIVED, UNDERSTOOD
Lauren: Hey new bestie, what's up?
Holly: Just dropping by for a little chat. Get any interesting mail lately?
Lauren: Oddly enough, yes. I got a letter from Heidi.
Holly: You don't say...
Lauren: She said she was sorry. She wants to be friends again.
Holly: And what do you have to say in response?
Lauren: I mean, I want to move on, but--
Holly: Wait! Don't say anything yet. I need to get my notepad.
Lauren: OK...
Holly rummages around in giant purse. Produces her notepad.
Holly: Ready.
Lauren: It's just that I want to punch Spencer in his stupid face. And as long as she's with him, I can't be around her.
Holly: This makes so much sense. I --I can't believe I didn't see this before...
Lauren: Why does she even need to be with him anyway?
Holly: Well some people prefer to be with someone horrid than to be alone.
Lauren: Ha! That's crazy! I'm alone and it's...pssh...awesome. I get to hang out with my friends in my kitchen. I get to go on dates with guys I went to high school with. It rules...
Holly: Yyyyeah. And how certain are you that you'll be friends with Heidi if she ditches Spencer?
Lauren: Very.
Holly: Aaaand if you were to rank that on, say, a scale of 1 to 10?
Lauren: 8.
Holly: Nice. Well I'll just be heading home now.
Lauren: Aren't you gonna stay for dinner?
The next day, Lauren and Audrina convene in their backyard to sunbathe.
Audrina: Hey hey. What's new?
Lauren: I think Holly is plotting to make me be friends with Heidi again.
Audrina: Wow, really? Since when.
Lauren: She started a few days ago. I don't think she knows how obvious she's being.
Audrina: And I missed all of this? Where I have been?
Lauren: Good question. Where have you been?
Audrina: I went on a few dates with some guy. Carl or Gavin or something like that. He was a bartender. Or maybe he built custom coffee tables?
Lauren: Sounds like it's not going so well.
Audrina: I broke it off with him. I just can't stop thinking about Justin. And the way his hair smells.
Lauren: Kinda like tree sap?
Audrina: And cigars. Yeah.
Lauren: So this Carl/Gavin guy? Is he cute? Is he my type?
Audrina: You're kidding, right?
Lauren: Ha! What? Yes! Of course...
STEP SIX: GET HEIDI AWAY FROM SPENCER FOR THREE FREAKING SECONDS AND TELL HER WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO
Holly: I talked to Lauren again.
Heidi: Good for you.
Holly: No, I mean. I've been doing some detective work and--
Heidi: Nerd.
Holly: Do you want to be friends with her again or not?
Heidi: (sigh) Ok, what's the deal?
Holly: On a scale of 1 to 10 she is just 2 points away from being your friend.
Heidi: Beg your pardon?
Holly: You're so close. All you have to do now is...
Holly trails off, looking at something behind Heidi.
It's Spencer! (Cue sinister cartoon music.)
Spencer: Why are we discussing Lauren? I gave you a list of acceptable discussion topics when you arrived at this apartment, Holly.
Holly: I know, but I have nothing left to say about the jelly fish tank, Les Deux, Batman, or "tight" brunch spots.
Heidi: Spencer, we were just talking about my attempt to fix my friendship with Lauren.
Spencer: Well that ain't gonna happen, not in a million ye--
Holly: Spencer is the reason it won't work! There I said it.
Heidi: That's not true!
Holly: Yes it is! Studies show!
Heidi: Really?
Heidi is quiet for a moment. She looks as though she is about to make an important decision. And then--
Spencer: Forget it, babetard. You're mind.
STEP SEVEN: AW, NUTS.
After witnessing this family drama, big sister Holly decided to launch her plan to reunite Heidi and Lauren, thereby saving the pair and securing her role on The Hills. It's time to put an end to Speidi and move forward with Laurdi. (I don't know yet if it's pronounced Lordy or Lardy. I prefer the latter.)
STEP ONE: HANG OUT WITH LAUREN ON A SEMI-REGULAR BASIS
We join Lauren and Lo in their kitchen.
Lo: Morning, shmoopie!
Lauren: Hey. How's it going?
Lo: Great! I like your new headband. It's like you have a banana on your head.
Lauren: Thanks...what's wrong with your mouth?
Lo: What ever do you mean?
Lauren: It's all red and irritated.
Lo: Oh, right. I was just practicing kissing with the bathroom mirror again. I think Conchita is using some weird new glass cleaner that I'm allergic to. Remind me to leave her a note.
Lauren: Will do. Hey, are you busy later? Holly invited me out for drinks.
Lo: Holly? Again?
Lauren: Is that bad?
And then Lo says something that really confuses me. "Drinks are harmless." Ah, yes, isn't that what everyone's always saying about drinks? How harmless they are. How they never lead to inappropriate behavior, regrettable hookups, accidental divulgence of secret information, unimpressive dance moves, and Sundays wasted hugging a bottle of gatorade and watching Julia Roberts movies on TNT.
Drinks are harmless. Harmless, I tell you!
STEP TWO: RUB IT IN HEIDI'S FACE
Heidi and Holly meet up for a nice lunch.
Heidi: (perusing menu) Hmmm. What looks good? Ooo heirloom tomato sal--
Holly: I'm hanging out with Lauren.
Heidi: That's...nice.
Holly: Yeah she is so fun! Don't you think so?
Heidi: If memory serves...
Holly: Yeah we went to breakfast the other day and now we're going to S Bar. I haven't been yet.
Heidi: Why are you telling me all this?
Holly: What? Are you jealous?
Heidi: Yes.
Holly: Excellent...
Meanwhile, Audrina is blissfully unaware of the Laurdi activities. She is out on a date with Colin, a man who is intentionally the opposite of Justin/Bobby.
He is conversational, clean, and lacks that certain horrible something that just makes you want to sleep with him despite your better judgment. (You know what I mean, right? No? Just me. Ok then.)
Colin: I'm really glad you came out with me tonight.
Audrina: Well thanks for asking me out, Justin.
Colin: It's Colin.
Audrina: What is?
Colin: Me. I'm Colin.
Audrina: Duh... Have you had too much to drink or something? You're acting weird.
Colin: No. And even if I did, I'm not a weird drunk. I'm a happy drunk.
Audrina: Justin's a mean drunk. We fight every time. He just gets so bossy. And full of himself. And he starts ordering me around...and it's just so...hot.
Colin: Um.
Audrina: Justin has a shirt just like the one you're wearing. His has a big barbecue sauce stain on the front though.
Colin: Look, I don't know who this Justin character is, but I've had just about enough of him.
Audrina: Oh, Colin, I like when you get angry.
Meanwhile, in another fancy place in Hollywood, Holly is working her plan.
STEP THREE: DO A SOLID HEIDI IMPRESSION AND HOPE FOR THE BEST
Holly meets Lo and Lauren, who all but burst into tears at the sight of her. And no, not because her hair's so tall, but because she allegedly reminds them so much of Heidi.
Lo: It's uncanny.
Lauren: You're just like her.
Holly: Um...really?
Lauren: Yes. Like twins.
Holly: Hum. That's interesting. You know, these are my real boobs. And everything on my face...it's real.
Lo: That's exactly what Heidi would say.
Lauren: Adorable.
Holly: Ok. So I take it you miss her?
Lauren: Yes.
Lo: Totally.
Holly pulls out a tiny notepad.
Holly: How much would you say you miss Heidi on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "Heidi who?" and 10 being "She completes me"?
Lauren: I'd say about a 7.
Holly: Hmmph.
Holly writes something, then closes her notepad, shoves it back into her purse, and lifts up her drink.
Holly: Well. Cheers!
Lo: Yay I love this part! Cheers!
STEP FOUR: RECONCILIATORY CORRESPONDENCE
Holly really timed this out perfectly. She had Heidi write a good old fashioned love letter to Lauren, and then sent it out so that Lauren would get it the morning after Step 3 was put into action.
Lauren brings the note with her to work to get Whitney's opinion on it. Oh yeah, Whitney's on this show. I forgot.
Whitney: What's this?
Lauren: A letter from Heidi.
Whitney: Oh wow. That's crazy. Can I read it?
Lauren: Of course.
Whitney: Dear Lauren. I've been thinkingk about you and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everythingk I did. You're a good friend. I like butterflies, do you like them too? My favorite color is purple. I have a cat named Binxworth. Your friend, Heidi.
Lauren: What should I do?
Whitney: I don't know.
Lauren: Then why are you even in this episode?
Across town and still totally unaware of all things Laurdi, Audrina goes on date #2 with Whats-His-Face.
Colin: How was work?
Audrina: Good. I was tired though. Justin called and I was up all night talking to him.
Colin: Outstanding.
It doesn't take long for Colin to realize that Audrina's too caught up in her old flame to give him a fair chance. He probably should've realized this on the first date, but we can't all be geniuses.
And speaking of geniuses, mastermind Holly is still working feverishly to reunite Lauren and Heidi. She drops by Lauren's house to carry out step 5.
STEP FIVE: ENSURE RECONCILIATORY CORRESPONDENCE WAS RECEIVED, UNDERSTOOD
Lauren: Hey new bestie, what's up?
Holly: Just dropping by for a little chat. Get any interesting mail lately?
Lauren: Oddly enough, yes. I got a letter from Heidi.
Holly: You don't say...
Lauren: She said she was sorry. She wants to be friends again.
Holly: And what do you have to say in response?
Lauren: I mean, I want to move on, but--
Holly: Wait! Don't say anything yet. I need to get my notepad.
Lauren: OK...
Holly rummages around in giant purse. Produces her notepad.
Holly: Ready.
Lauren: It's just that I want to punch Spencer in his stupid face. And as long as she's with him, I can't be around her.
Holly: This makes so much sense. I --I can't believe I didn't see this before...
Lauren: Why does she even need to be with him anyway?
Holly: Well some people prefer to be with someone horrid than to be alone.
Lauren: Ha! That's crazy! I'm alone and it's...pssh...awesome. I get to hang out with my friends in my kitchen. I get to go on dates with guys I went to high school with. It rules...
Holly: Yyyyeah. And how certain are you that you'll be friends with Heidi if she ditches Spencer?
Lauren: Very.
Holly: Aaaand if you were to rank that on, say, a scale of 1 to 10?
Lauren: 8.
Holly: Nice. Well I'll just be heading home now.
Lauren: Aren't you gonna stay for dinner?
The next day, Lauren and Audrina convene in their backyard to sunbathe.
Audrina: Hey hey. What's new?
Lauren: I think Holly is plotting to make me be friends with Heidi again.
Audrina: Wow, really? Since when.
Lauren: She started a few days ago. I don't think she knows how obvious she's being.
Audrina: And I missed all of this? Where I have been?
Lauren: Good question. Where have you been?
Audrina: I went on a few dates with some guy. Carl or Gavin or something like that. He was a bartender. Or maybe he built custom coffee tables?
Lauren: Sounds like it's not going so well.
Audrina: I broke it off with him. I just can't stop thinking about Justin. And the way his hair smells.
Lauren: Kinda like tree sap?
Audrina: And cigars. Yeah.
Lauren: So this Carl/Gavin guy? Is he cute? Is he my type?
Audrina: You're kidding, right?
Lauren: Ha! What? Yes! Of course...
STEP SIX: GET HEIDI AWAY FROM SPENCER FOR THREE FREAKING SECONDS AND TELL HER WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO
Holly: I talked to Lauren again.
Heidi: Good for you.
Holly: No, I mean. I've been doing some detective work and--
Heidi: Nerd.
Holly: Do you want to be friends with her again or not?
Heidi: (sigh) Ok, what's the deal?
Holly: On a scale of 1 to 10 she is just 2 points away from being your friend.
Heidi: Beg your pardon?
Holly: You're so close. All you have to do now is...
Holly trails off, looking at something behind Heidi.
It's Spencer! (Cue sinister cartoon music.)
Spencer: Why are we discussing Lauren? I gave you a list of acceptable discussion topics when you arrived at this apartment, Holly.
Holly: I know, but I have nothing left to say about the jelly fish tank, Les Deux, Batman, or "tight" brunch spots.
Heidi: Spencer, we were just talking about my attempt to fix my friendship with Lauren.
Spencer: Well that ain't gonna happen, not in a million ye--
Holly: Spencer is the reason it won't work! There I said it.
Heidi: That's not true!
Holly: Yes it is! Studies show!
Heidi: Really?
Heidi is quiet for a moment. She looks as though she is about to make an important decision. And then--
Spencer: Forget it, babetard. You're mind.
STEP SEVEN: AW, NUTS.
Monday, October 6, 2008
October
On Saturday, I woke up early, eager to tackle a number of household chores before setting off to meet Shannon for lunch and then to (eek!) go to my dentist appointment. As I walked from my bedroom to the living room, I was overcome by the irresistible urge to nestle into the couch and bury myself under a blanket.
The living room also seemed darker than usual. And the floor felt cold on my bare feet.
"Wait a second..." I narrowed my eyes and made my way over to the front door. I flung it open, took a few steps outside, and a cold breeze hit my face. The sky was overcast. The air was chilly.
For the first time since March, we were getting a solid dose of perfect cozy snuggle weather.
Sadly, I had miles to go before I snugged. So I got dressed for the day ahead, but allowed myself one early-autumn indulgence: the wool scarf.
Ah, I love a good scarf. They make any outfit look infinitely cuter and more stylish. And in southern California, where it never gets too cold, scarves are the perfect way to get dressed up for wintry warmth, while still wearing a light jacket and ballet flats.
As I drove to Beverly Hills to meet my friend for lunch, I was admittedly a bit too toasty in my wool scarf. And it started to itch. But I refused to take it off. So, at red lights, I squirmed. And panted a little. And put my window down to get some fresh air on my flushed face.
It sounds stupid that I was putting myself through this for a stupid scarf, but you don't understand. It's been so effing hot for months! And I grew up in a very cold and cloudy land far far away from here. I am not used to such heat. I need scarves! And gloves! And adorable winter hats!
By the time I'd finished lunch and, later, the worst dentist appointment in history (this just in: my teeth are rotting out of my face), I hadn't had enough of the cool temps. So, still numbed up and fussy from the drilling and cleaning, I wandered around the streets of Beverly Hills, window shopping. Finally, at 5pm, I realized the shoppers and tourists were all going home, and so I walked back to my car and made the drive home as well.
Today it is 84 degrees and sunny. Oh well...
The living room also seemed darker than usual. And the floor felt cold on my bare feet.
"Wait a second..." I narrowed my eyes and made my way over to the front door. I flung it open, took a few steps outside, and a cold breeze hit my face. The sky was overcast. The air was chilly.
For the first time since March, we were getting a solid dose of perfect cozy snuggle weather.
Sadly, I had miles to go before I snugged. So I got dressed for the day ahead, but allowed myself one early-autumn indulgence: the wool scarf.
Ah, I love a good scarf. They make any outfit look infinitely cuter and more stylish. And in southern California, where it never gets too cold, scarves are the perfect way to get dressed up for wintry warmth, while still wearing a light jacket and ballet flats.
As I drove to Beverly Hills to meet my friend for lunch, I was admittedly a bit too toasty in my wool scarf. And it started to itch. But I refused to take it off. So, at red lights, I squirmed. And panted a little. And put my window down to get some fresh air on my flushed face.
It sounds stupid that I was putting myself through this for a stupid scarf, but you don't understand. It's been so effing hot for months! And I grew up in a very cold and cloudy land far far away from here. I am not used to such heat. I need scarves! And gloves! And adorable winter hats!
By the time I'd finished lunch and, later, the worst dentist appointment in history (this just in: my teeth are rotting out of my face), I hadn't had enough of the cool temps. So, still numbed up and fussy from the drilling and cleaning, I wandered around the streets of Beverly Hills, window shopping. Finally, at 5pm, I realized the shoppers and tourists were all going home, and so I walked back to my car and made the drive home as well.
Today it is 84 degrees and sunny. Oh well...
Friday, October 3, 2008
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