Victory!

Hi friends.   Here we are, one week since the last Hills episode, and I've yet to write a recap. 

And now tonight a brand new one will air, and I'll have to cover that one too.  At this stage, I feel like what's the point in dealing with the last one?  So let's make a deal, and pretend last week's episode never happened, and I'll vow to cover this week's in a more timely fashion.

Deal?  No?  Well too bad.

In my defense, I've had a lot going on.  For instance, last night I ran a 10k.  Some of you already know this because you follow me on Twitter (my latest obsession).  It was the Nike Human Race, and Los Angeles was just one of many cities around the world running on the same day.  

I signed up for it in kind of a vengeful move after I quit my training group for a different race because they were greedy bastards (or because I didn't like their rules).  After signing up for the 10k, I ran regularly for about 2 weeks.  Then I got lazy.  And then I got super lazy.   And then every time I'd drag my fat ass off my couch and go running, I'd be panting, practically falling over, and going at the fantastic speed of 35 minutes per mile.   As a result, I seriously doubted my ability to run a 10k, which equals 6.2 miles.  

Then on Thursday, I went online to the race's website to peruse the final details for the Sunday event.  It was then that I noticed, for the first time, that the race started at 8:31 pm.  P! M! I can't tell you exactly why but this pissed me off.  I suppose I envisioned that everyone else would be hanging out, engaging in Labor Day fun times, and I'd be like "Well, bye guys, I'm off to run around til I pass out."  

It's just that I preferred the traditional race timeframe.   You wake up early and get it out of the way.  So I called my friend Annemarie, who I was supposed to race with, and said "The race is at night.  That's stupid.  I'm not doing it."  She assured me she was fine if we skipped it.   I was glad to hear this, but also wanted to hear that she too was irrationally furious about the start time.  "Don't you think it's stupid?!"  I persisted.  "I guess.  Well, let's just see what happens."

The following morning, having stewed on the matter all night, I concluded that I needed to stop being a big, whining, useless human and take part in this amazing worldwide event.  

So Saturday night, Devin and I hung out with some friends of ours, and I drank entirely too much wine.  And smoked a few cigarettes.  And woke up feeling disgusting, and nauseated, and sluggish.   And my throat hurt and I was coughing.  I made my way off the bed and onto the couch, where I lay staring at the ceiling thinking to myself, "Well...that was a dumb move.  And now I've gotta run later."  

After moping around for a few hours, Devin asked, "Are you still going to do that race?" 

"Yes."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes.  Because if I don't do it then it means that drinking got in the way of doing something I wanted.  And then it means I have a drinking problem.  But if I go to the race, then everything's fine."

And so at 6:30 I picked up Annemarie and we headed to the USC/downtown area to gather for the event.  Immediately I knew I'd made the right decision.  I felt great.  

Here we are before the race:

And here are some of the other 12,000 runners wearing matching shirts.


The picture was taken earlier in the evening before everyone had gathered so it doesn't quite capture how insane it looks to see so many identically dressed people grouped together.  

And then, at 8:31pm, we were off!  It was actually really fun to be running around in a huge mob during the night.  People came out of their houses and stood on their front lawns, confused but still eager to cheer.

During the race, everything basically went fine.  At about 5 miles, I started to get a headache and then worried I was going to be one of those people you hear about on the news that's always perfectly healthy and then while they're running a race they suddenly collapse of a brain aneurism or an undetected heart defect.    But before I let myself get totally carried away, I concluded that probably I just needed a little sugar boost.  I remembered that I put a free sample of gummy energy boosters in my pocket.   They were handing the little packets out before the race.  So I reached in and grabbed the little gummies.   There were two, and each was about the size of 5 gummy bears mushed together.  

I guess I underestimated how much I was relying on my mouth to breathe at this point. Because while it was preoccupied with chewing the massive gummy, I couldn't breathe at all.  So for a few seconds, I panicked while making odd breathing noises like a pug.  Still, I didn't want to spit out the dern thing because I really needed the sugar boost.  

Fortunately, I survived the gummy attack.  Though if I had to write a review of this new product, I'd classify them as "tasty, effective, but really dangerous."  

I finished the race in, officially, 1 hour and 2 mins.   I checked my time online this morning.  A perfect 10 minute mile.  (And 4 minutes shorter than the time I originally calculated after I crossed the finish line.)  I don't know, it must have been the collective adrenaline of all those other runners, but I felt great the whole time.  

I tried to get a picture of me and Annemarie after the race, holding up our beers and saying "Cheers!" to crossing the finish line, but I kept screwing up the cellphone self portrait and after 4 attempts, I just wanted to focus on my drink and my french fries so I gave up.  

The night ended with a concert by Kanye West and Common.  I was sort of indifferent about watching it, but it was a really great show.

And that is the story of the first time in a long time that I actually accomplished something.  

Twitter

Hi all.

Yes, I'm still around. No, I haven't taken a fabulous vacation to a land with no internets. (Not that having no internet would be fabulous. That would suck. But a vacation would be nice.)

And no, I'm not drunk right now!

I've been insanely busy at work. You may not know this, but I'm terribly important.

Anyway, in an oddly quiet moment at the office I signed up for Twitter. Should be fun, I think. But I don't know how it works. So I don't know of any way for people to start "following" me unless you click "follow me on twitter" on that little widget on my blog page. So...have at it!

Whee!

Buzzin: Fishing For Compliments

Latest recap up. Here.

Sorry I've been so absent all week. I'm sure you're crushed. I've been very busy.

Just wanted to say that last night during the MSNBC news coverage of the Democratic National Convention, there was a guy in the crowd behind the anchor, walking back and forth and holding a sign that read "Bring Back Crystal Pepsi." I was too slow to react and get a picture, but thankfully someone else did and I tracked it down. (Bless you, interwebs.)

The Hills Recap: LO-ser

The first episode of The Hills Season 4 was tucked snugly into an overblown premiere party on the beach, hosted by some Australian chick I've never seen before, and featuring the cast members all dolled up and ready to talk about themselves. It was a brilliant overdose.

At about 9:58pm, just before unveiling the goods at 10, the host asked Lauren, Audrina and Whitney to offer up one word to describe season 4. Whitney said, "Thrilling." Audrina, "Romance." And Lauren said, "Emotional."

So get ready for more of Lauren's freaking emotions. It's time for season 4!

The episode begins with the obligatory recap of the last episode. Only this time, they throw in a few scenes that never happened last season. One scene is a brief exchange between Brent Bolthouse and Heidi where he fires her ass for abandoning him and his project in Vegas.

Just kidding, actually he just says, "You'll have to do better." Dodged a bullet there, Heidster.

Then there is a scene between Spencer and Heidi where he tells her she won't regret her decision to give him another chance.

Of course she won't...

And now we're up to speed, courtesy of a few staged scenes conjured up by the producers to cover what was missed during the off-season.

Over at People's Revolution, Whitney and Lauren are keeping busy with their high-powered jobs in fashion. They wander over to a rack of jeans. Whitney remarks, "Ooo these got all messed up." And so, they sort them.

And while they sort, they chat. First they cover the basics, with Lauren establishing that things are still tense in her house with Audrina and Lo. But that's old news. Lauren has bigger things to bring to the table.

She has...a date!

Whitney: A date?

Lauren: A date!

Whitney: Wow. Tell me everythingk.

Lauren: Well I met him when I was in high school. We dated when I was 18.

Whitney: ...oh.

Lauren: He went to a different school and I went to his prom, actually.

Whitney: How precious...

Lauren: You don't seem excited. Aren't you excited?

Whitney: It's just...You keep going back to guys you've known since you were in high school and it sort of never works out. You remember Jason?

Whitney: And Stephen?


Lauren: So? Doug is different. Did I mention he didn't go to my high school?

Having lived in Los Angeles for several years, let me assure you that this city is chock full of the sort of hair-styled, expensive t-shirt wearing douchebags that make Lauren's heart race. There is no good reason why she can't find a new one.

But alas, she's hung up on Doug. She's postively giddy. And to see her friend happy makes Whitney happy too. Which is why she pulls this move:

You might recognize this face from that time you ran up to your 3 year old niece, threatening to tickle her and saying "I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!"

In other news, Heidi's back at fake work at sbe. Thank goodness she was able to find a balance between work and play, between gabbing sessions with Kimberly and catering to Spencer's maniacal whims. Young women, take note. She is a prime example of how you too can have it all.

Today, she's telling Kimberly how Spencer just moved back into the apartment (that he owns) with her, but now her sister (what sister?) is coming to stay with them.

Heidi: It's just the worst possible timing.

Kimberly: Yeah, siblings can be so inconvenient.

Heidi: He doesn't know she's coming. And she doesn't know that he's there. And he doesn't know that she exists. And she doesn't know where I live. And I don't know who I am any more.

Kimberly: Right.

I can't help but wonder why someone who has her own clothing line is still bopping around at her regular office gig. Isn't she awfully busy designing short-shorts and jeans with little silver charm danglies?

Meanwhile, in a questionably authentic office situation across town, Audrina is chatting with her coworker. The ever-forgettable coworker with the impossible to remember name, Chiara.

Audrina: On Sunday my roommates are throwing a birthday party for me. Wanna come?

Chiara: Lauren's throwing you a birthday party?

Audrina: Yeah.

Chiara: That's gonna be interesting...

Audrina: What's interesting is your response to my invitation. I'm trying to be nice and you're throwing this shit my way.

Chiara: It's just that--

Audrina: It's just nothing. Do you know how lucky you are to be invited? Do you know who I am? Of course you do. Everyone does. And who knows who you are. I doubt anyone knows the name Carada.

Chiara: It's Chiara.

Audrina: Charara, Chupacabra. Whatever.

Chiara: Sorry.

Audrina: Anyway, what I was trying to say is Lo's a bitch.

Chiara: She is.

So, Heidi meant to get home from work before her sister arrived so she could prep Spencer for her sister's impromptu stay with a little nonchalant, "Oh by the way..."

Sadly, Heidi did not manage to accomplish this.

And cue our latest Hills star, Holly.

So Holly shows up at Spencer's doorstep out of nowhere and after a few minutes of discussion and the presentation of her birth certificate and family photos to establish that yes she does, in fact, exist, she's allowed to enter. Then for 2 hours she plays with her hair while Spencer and his regrown white facial hair play a little Madden.

And then Heidi gets home.

She walks in, notices the uncomfortable scenario, but tries to act natural. The sisters hug, and Heidi looks over to see Spencer all but flipping his beloved girlfriend the bird.

Heidi: I'm so glad you're heeeeeere.

Holly: Me too.

Heidi: Make yourself at hoooooome.

Holly: Well I can try. Can I have something to drink? I'm so thirsty.

Heidi: Of course. Didn't Spencer offer you anything?

Holly: I asked for some water but he said it was for members only. I don't know what that means. And then he said we were going to play the silent game. It wasn't very fun but I think I'm good at it.

Spencer: Not good enough.

Heidi: Okay! Why don't you go in the other room and change?

Holly: But I don't need to change my clothes.

Heidi: Really?

Spencer wanders into the bedroom and Heidi knows she's in big trouble. She excuses herself to go check on him and finds him sprawled across the bed, ready to deliver the speech he's been rehearsing while pretending to play video games. He tells Heidi how it's bad timing and he just moved back in and they are trying to fix things. Heidi, exasperated, just asks him to be nice. And in response, he offers up: That's my middle name.

Oh, Spence. You're so marvelously evil! I heart you.

Later that evening, Lauren gets ready for her big date with high school Doug. She's just put the finishing touches on that damn signature side braid of hers when Lo appears in the doorway of the bathroom.

Lauren: How do I look?

Lo: You're so pretty.

Lauren: Yeah?

Lo: I'd date you.

Lauren: Ha...okay.

Lo: Really?

Lauren: Really what?

Lo: Really I can date you?

Lauren: I was kidding.

Lo: Of course. Hahahahahahahahahaha. HA. So was I!

Doug, who reminds me a of Patrick Wilson, picks Lauren up and they head off for a romantic dinner.



Trying to force the conversation on the ride to the restaurant, Lauren brings up the pair's high school days.

Lauren: Do you remember every time I used to drive by your house, I'd call you and tell you to come out?

Doug: Yeah, I remember. Boy I thought that was really...something. You sure did just happen to pass by my house quite a lot.

Lauren: Well it was on the way.

Doug: It was up a 3 mile private road in the canyon.

Lauren: That was fun. Ah, memories.

They arrive at the restaurant and get situated. And the painful conversation rolls on.

Doug: So...what have you been up to the past four years?

Lauren: I know. It's been so long I feel like we have so much to catch up on.

Doug: Yeah.

Lauren: Well, I've been starring on this show called The Hills.

Doug: Really? What's it about?

Lauren: It's about me and my life and my friends and the guys I meet. You're actually on it right now.

Doug: Oh yeah?

Lauren: See the cameras?

Doug: No I hadn't noticed. I have lousy peripheral vision. Bad spray tanning accident.

Lauren: That's so sad.

The following morning, Spencer wakes up and walks out of his bedroom to find not one, but two blondes standing in the kitchen.

Holly, in her continuing peace efforts, offers Spencer some breakfast.

[Actual dialogue alert]

Spencer: Is that breakfast right there? (Looks at plate of food.)

Holly: Yeah.

Spencer: Then I'm gonna have to say pass.

Heidi, humiliated and hurt by his 'tude, tells him he better shape up and be nice to her sister.

Spencer: Mind your own business.

Heidi: This is my business. And you know what, Mr. Famous, you're nothing without me. It's Speidi. So don't forget who's Eidi.

Looks like it's going to be another disastrous day in their neighborhood. But at Casa de Lauren, things are a bit more lighthearted. It's time for Audrina's birthday BBQ. The guests are arriving, Lauren's hard at work prepping the food and drinks, and Lo's shuffling around the kitchen making pouty faces.

Lo: I don't know anybody here.

Lauren: Neither do I.

Lo: Are these all Audrina's friends from work?

Lauren: Some of them, yes. Some are extras. Some are contest winners. I think. I don't know. Just try to have fun.

Lo: I don't wanna.

Audrina wanders into the kitchen and Lo asks her who, exactly, is swimming in their pool and lounging in their lounge chairs.

Audrina: They're people I hang out with when I don't go out with you guys.

Lo: Welp. We'll just have to enjoy the company that comes.

The speechless and fed up Audrina walks back outside, leaving a petrified Lauren in her wake. Today's bonding efforts are not going as planned.

While that whole gang drowns their sorrows in Bacardi mojito mixers, Heidi takes Holly out for an L.A. makeover. No, don't worry, she's not getting a boob job. Yet. Just some little hair extensions.

While some stranger's locks are being glued to her head, Holly asks Heidi if she ever misses Lauren. Heidi goes quiet and weird. Uh-oh...do I feel a reunion coming on?

The next day, fresh-haired Holly says goodbye to her sister. "I had the best time in my whole life." Wow, I hope I never qualify a half-assed makeover and a weekend spent avoiding my sister's boyfriend as the best time of my life.

Holly: Maybe I should just move out here.

(Spencer slams taxicab's trunk shut. He remains silent.)

Heidi: Really! That would be awesome. Where would you stay?

Holly: I hadn't thought about it, but maybe with you for a little while.

Spencer: Seems like you thought about it, then.

Heidi: Oh shut up nobody's talking to you.

After the cab drives away, Heidi is left alone, once again, with Spencer.

At People's Revolution, Lauren's filling Whitney in on all of the party details.

Lauren: Lo's trying so hard, but it's just not working.

Whitney: So she hung out and met some of Audrina's friends?

Lauren: No. She was mostly upstairs in her room, but I could tell she really felt like she was putting in an effort.

Whitney: Sounds about right.

Lauren: And while I was dealing with her, I had to ignore Doug. And that's where I draw the line. When someone starts getting in the way of my desperate romances, I need to put my foot down. So I told Lo she has to talk to Audrina.

Ever the obedient lady in waiting, Lo does as she's told and walks from the main house to Audrina's guest house for a serious heart to heart.

Lo: Hey how are you?

Audrina: Um. Good.

Lo: Did you have fun at the party?

Audrina: I had a great time, actually. At one point--

Lo: That's nice. I wanted to come talk to you and apologize for being absent at your birthday. It's just, I feel that we all moved in together and we're supposed to be friends and it's not happening.

Audrina: No, it's certainly not.

Lo: And it's obvious that I'm trying extremely hard to be your best pal.

Audrina: Oh don't pull that shit with me. I know I was really dumb in the second season and most of the third, but now I've had a character change and I'm sharp as a tack.

Lo: I see.

Audrina: And I would be your friend but you never talk to me because you're so obsessed with Lauren that it makes me scared for her.

Lo: I have no idea what you're talking about. You must be mistaken.

Audrina: Shhyeah.

Lo: Look, I came out here to make and effort and to tell you this is all your fault and that you need to fix it because otherwise Lauren will be super pissed at me and I just couldn't handle that. (Starts weeping.) I just couldn't handle that!

Audrina: Ah-ha! You are obsessed with her. Listen to yourself.

Lo: I may be obsessed but at least she still talks to me.

Audrina: Hey, Lo?

Lo: What.

Audrina: I just wanted to tell you that you look really pretty in the opening credits of The Hills.

Lo: I'm not in the opening credits.

Audrina: Exactly.

Here we go again

My latest recap is up on TVGasm.

And speaking of recaps, The Hills starts up again tonight (squee!) so look for my Hills recap sometime in the next few days.

Last night, in preparation for tonight's Hills premiere, I watched this special on MTV titled The 10 Most Memorable Hills Moments Ever (or something like that). Cast members, tabloid writers, and washed up actors (The daughter from 8 Simple Rules? Really?) discussed the monumental moments from the last three seasons.

Maybe I'm getting dumb these days, but listening to the way they described everything, the show actually seemed like it may not be as fake as I thought it was. I know, I know. It's very naive of me.

After that, I watched the first half hour of The Hills: Uncut (or something like that), which was basically just like the first show, but with members of the crew instead of the tabloid peeps. What does the Director of Photography have to say about the show? Who cares?!

So I went to bed and dreamed dreams of Lauren and Heidi.

My decent into madness resumes tonight.

Along came a spider AGAIN

I'll admit it. I'm afraid of a great many things. Most of my fears involve people and the horrid things they're capable of.

But I'm also afraid of a spiders. I mentioned this in a recent post. Specifically, I'm afraid of black widows. Because they are creepy looking. And BECAUSE THEY CAN KILL YOU.

While I've been afraid of them since I was a kid, I'd never come face to little evil face with one until my aforementioned encounter with one in my laundry room a few months ago.

Well, it turns out that writing about that damn spider was a bad idea. Apparently the little asshole reads my blog and interpreted my post as a challenge. Because this past weekend, it showed up once again to taunt me.

It was Saturday and I was just on my way out to see a friend in Santa Monica. I walked out of my front door and felt compelled, for some reason, to look over to my right at the little patio area outside of our front window.

Immediately, my focus went to a large black spider, suspended from a web connected to a chair and our air conditioning unit.

This was the scene:



I held my breath and tiptoed over to the spider to get a closer look. There, on its abdomen, was the tell tale mark a black widow. A distinct red hourglass shape.

EEEP!

I ran back inside to grab the bottle of hairspray and use it to suffocate the little bugger with sticky goo. Or give its tiny hairs some much needed style and volume.

Devin was sitting on the couch when I ran through the door, and seeing him made me switch to damsel in distress mode. "Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod," I whined while hopping from foot to foot like a toddler who needs to potty.

"What?"

"There's a black widow. Out there!"

Devin came outside with me to investigate.

"How do you know it's a black widow?"

"Because..." Then, "Do something!"

He leaned in closer and moved the blue chair. This stirred the apparently sleeping spider, causing it to run along its web and into the air conditioner.

Fantastic. I could've killed/styled the little shit by now if I'd just gone with the hairspray plan. But I decided to make it a team effort instead of seizing the opportunity. And now it was hiding in my air conditioner.

I was glad that I'd be gone the rest of the day and out of harm's way.

While I was out, Devin sprayed the air conditioner with a power washer and then sprayed a bunch of Raid inside for good measure.

When I got home later that night, he assured me the spider was dead. Although, much to my dissatisfaction, he could not produce a spider carcass as evidence of this fact.

Though still entirely creeped out, I rested easy that night.

The following day, I decided to do some further investigating into the spider situation. I went outside, knelt down, and peered inside the air conditioner. From my distance of about 5 feet away, I couldn't actually get a good look inside, but I wasn't about to get any closer. I stood up, put my hands on my hips and continued to stare at the A/C. I was willing to wait for the spider to make an appearance. It had the gaul to show it's ugly mug twice now. This meant war.

When the spider did not, as I'd envisioned, crawl out from inside the air conditioner and shake its little fist at me, I gave up.

But not before kicking the A/C to try to get its attention.

I went back inside my apartment to examine the A/C from the other side. I bent down and looked between the vents. While doing this I noticed, to my horror, a beam of light shining through. A hole! A small space. A connection to the outside world. A security breach!

The spider could've gone through that little space at any point in time. Perhaps, if it was smart, before Devin came after it with all of his weaponry.

Damn it!

I spent the next 10 minutes perched on the edge of my couch, researching black widow spiders on Wikipedia. Apparently, the deadly ones with the big butts and the red markings are the female of the species. And here I'd been calling it a "he."

I've been on the lookout for that little cunt ever since. She might be dead, but I'm not sure I buy it. She's far too sneaky. And she's out to get me.

Digging Deeper

Perhaps I shouldn't have opened my big fat mouth about the lull in the construction project next door because now there is some real loud, awful work happening. I should have just been pleased with the empty dirt lot. I should not have wrinkled my nose at the guy watering down the dirt heap.

Because starting last week, all of the big monster construction equipment started back up. Bulldozers bulldozing. And diggers digging. And all the noise noise noise. And since then, I've woken up all morning to rumblings so loud that I can literally feel the vibrations.

And they get so close to our property that it's scary. Look at the sight of things this morning.



VROOM VROOM

These things are about to knock down our wall. Or dump rocks on someone's head.

Until such a catastrophe occurs, they'll be satisfied just dumping heaps of dirt in our courtyard and into the pool. Every time that stupid beast comes up close, it's little scooper extends over onto our property and chunks of dirt start falling off of it. It's making an unholy mess. So much so that this morning Devin marched over to the construction site and demanded that someone come clean up after themselves.

And you'd think that after 10 days of this shoveling, digging, bulldozing big machine business, the ground would, at last, be prepped to begin some building.

But in reality, there is nothing happening over that wall but a lot of dirt shuffling. They seem to just push it back and forth and back and forth. The ground looks exactly the same as it did before they started back up.

I may have been wrong with my theory that this big production was all to create the correct environment to grow a giant tree from the dirt heap. I'm thinking now that the lot next door is actually just being used as a training facility for new bulldozer drivers.