Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Hills Recap: Vegas Is For Babies (Part I)

I present to you part 1 of this recap. I woke up early this morning and finished the darn thing for you lovely folks. And then my blogger whacked out and DELETED EVERYTHING I WROTE THIS MORNING. So, here's what survived. (And now I'm going to throw my computer against the wall.)

When we last left our gang of lovable lice, Spencer was up to his usual douchebaggery, Stephanie made nice with Lauren, and Lauren told Doug he'd have to find a different gal to bore during expensive dinners.

And now it's time for the Hills cast's biweekly excursion to Vegas!

Somewhere in Van Nuys, Lauren, Lo and Stephanie make their way across the hot tarmac, ready to get aboard Doug's private jet. Yeah, a few things of note. First, Lauren is going on a trip with her ex Sort-Of Boyfriend, or"S.O.B." Indeed, is going to Vegas with her ex S.O.B...Is going to Vegas with her ex S.O.B. AND her other ex S.O.B. Brody.

Other thing of note: Doug's private jet. Guess this answers my question about last week's episode featuring Doug's Hollywood hills house overlooking all of the city.

Once on the plane, everyone settles in with a relaxing cocktail.

Stephanie: Well here we all are.
Lo: Yeah.
Stephanie: I'm glad we're all hanging out because we all get along.
Lo: Yay!

Lauren: Hey, Lo? You know how the other day I was doing my laundry and you were following me around and asking if I needed help folding my panties.
Lo: Oh yeah.
Lauren: And then you were asking if you could make me a bowl of oatmeal or an omelette or a mojito...
Lo: Right.
Lauren: And then you asked what I was doing this weekend and I said "We're going to Vegas..."
Lo: Yeah.
Lauren: I didn't mean "we" like you and me. I meant like me and my ex S.O.B.s and my questionably sincere classmate and younger sibling of my nemesis, Stephanie.
Lo: More champagne please!

Just when everyone's beginning to enjoy themselves, it's time for Brody to kill their buzz. And totally make my day.

Brody: I'd like to make a toast to Stephanie. Having her here is almost as good as having Spencer here.

I'm not even sure on what level that was meant as an insult but I know it's in there somewhere! And cue awkward silence. And now we touch now in good ol' L.V.

Once their private plane lands, they're picked up by a limo and brought The Venetian. And then they settle into their luxury suites. And then I cry into my glass of Charles Shaw and wonder why these chuckleheads who are years younger than me and never worked a day in their well-documented little lives get to have all the good stuff.

As they begin to unpack, Lo starts in with her usual shit.

Lo: So, Lauren. Who do you think you're going to kiss this weekend? Brody or Doug?
Lauren: Um.
Lo: I think it's going to be Brody.
Lauren: Well, I'm not kissing anyone. I'm moving on. It's time for a new man!

Stephanie tries to stifle her laughter and it comes out as a snort. Lauren shoots her a death stare.
Lo: Well maybe you'll just get really drunk and, I don't know, kiss a girl or something. Wouldn't that be funny? Ha...ohmigod.
A painful hush blankets the room. Lo's eyes dart back and forth.
Lo: Hey Stephanie, it was really assholey what Brody said about you in front of everyone on the plane.
Lauren: Yeah, that was really inappropriate.
Lo: Blue scarf.

Now let's see what's going wrong back in L.A.

Heidi comes home from a hard day at work to find Spencer shooting aliens in his home arcade. He's holding the red gun and the blue gun...he's Player 1 and Player 2 all at once. This man knows nothing about sharing.

Spencer: Pew pew. Psh psh psh. Take that, alien scum!
Heidi: I see you're enjoying your video game.
Spencer: Oh, I was talking to you. The game's just alright.
Heidi: Outstanding.
Spencer: So how was work? Did everyone like your stripey dress?
Heidi: Yeah Spencer, they did. They all had a meeting about it. Are you done with your game now?
Spencer: I'll just pause it. Sup?
Heidi: My sister's moving out here. And she's going to live with us for a little while.
Spencer: What? No! She's gonna be in our way all the time.
Heidi: She'll have her own room. I'll give her the guest room and she'll keep to herself, I'm sure of it.
Spencer: The guest room? That's where I keep my sweatshirts!
Heidi: (Sigh) Spencer...
Spencer: Can I go back to my game now?

Meanwhile in L.V., Lauren and pals are unpacked, happy as clammy clams and ready for some rum and cokes and coke. They gather in Brody and Doug's (and Frankie's, like we care) massive suite to sit around and come up with a game plan. Oh, and also to talk about Audrina behind her back.

Lauren: Audrina's meeting us later, but...we aren't getting along.
Doug: Who wants some shots?! Anyone...?
Lo: Damn it, Doug, Lauren's upset.
Doug: Just thought we could have some fun...finally.
Lauren: I was at the club the other night, and Audrina was out with a few people. I saw down at her table and she didn't even say hi.
Doug: Maybe she was embarrassed to be seen with you.
Brody: Doug!
Doug: I'm just saying no one thinks you're cool. Whatever. I'm taking a shot.
Frankie: Dude, I'll have one too.
Doug: Do I know you?


JenBun said...

This show is weeeeeeeeeeeird! But funny. (In an I-never-watch-it-but-I-read-your-recaps-and-pretend-that's-really-the-show kinda way!)

surviving myself said...

I think I'd hang out with Brodie. Isn't he related to Kim Kardashian? Yes. Yes I'd hang out with him just to get a glimpse of her... Well, I think you get the idea.

jill said...

Almost peed my pants:
Spencer: Pew pew. Psh psh psh. Take that, alien scum!
Heidi: I see you're enjoying your video game.
Spencer: Oh, I was talking to you. The game's just alright.

Peter said...

Pew pew. Psh psh psh.

That made me laugh.

And don't even pretend that you didn't make those noises outloud as you typed.

Katelin said...

seriously this episode was all sorts of awkward. but pretty hilarious too. man i love it.