Stalling

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The Hills Recap: I Need To Get A Life

I missed The Hills on Monday, but I was very much looking forward to watching it online and recapping it for you fine folks.   However, last night as I sat on the couch with my laptop, Devin also settled in to watch TV.   This meant if we were both going to live in peace, I'd have to leave the room or find headphones.   But I'm too lazy for that. 

And I'm also too brilliant.  For in this stupid dilemma I saw opportunity.   Who needs words when you have furrowed brows?  

And so I present to you my first Hills recap written after watching the entire episode with the sound off.  Let the experiment begin!

Last week, after Heidi found out about Spencer's flirtatious ways, she once again fled to Colorado for a little mommy time.  But little did she know, her mom was hellbent on pushing Heidi's high school beau Colby as the greatest thing since white beard.  (You know, as in Spencer.  Get it?  Let's move on.)

But in the 10 person universe that is The Hills, word travels fast and in no time Stephanie was onto her commitment-ceremony-sister-in-law.  And now, she must tell Spencer.


Spencer: Oh you're here.  I thought I smelled something.
Stephanie: You're hilarious.  So what's up?
Spencer: Just whippin up a little french t.  That's how I say french toas--

Stephanie: Yeah yeah.  I get it.  Anyway, I don't have much time to shoot the shit.  I gotta get to fashion school drama club practice.  We're doing a theatrical production of 1980's sitcom A Different World.
Spencer: Well that explains your outfit.
Stephanie: How do you mean?
Spencer: Uh, nevermind.  So why are you here?
Stephanie:  To tattle on Heidi.  She was in Colorado with Colby.
Spencer: Who the eff is that?  The muppet?
Stephanie: No her ex boyfriend.  From high school...

Spencer: So?  We're married.  What's she gonna do, run away with him?
Stephanie: How many times must I tell you?  You're fake married.
Spencer: Oh right right.  So what am I supposed to do?
Stephanie: Don't worry.  I too am cooking up a little something...bwa ha ha.
Spencer: I don't get it.
Stephanie: You know, because you're cooking french toast and I'm cooking up a plan to get back at Heidi.

Spencer stares blankly at his sister.

Stephanie:  I hate you so much.



Meanwhile, over at The People's Revolution, Lauren decides to show up for work.


Lauren: Hey Kelly, how's it going up here in the loft?

Kelly jumps out of her skin as she looks up from her work.

Kelly: Jesus, blondie. You scared the bitch outta me. What are you doing here?


Lauren: Don't be silly, I work here.
Kelly: Really? You still work here?
Lauren: Yes of course. Why wouldn't I?


35 seconds pass by in silence and with uninterrupted eye contact.

Kelly: Alright. Whatever.

By the way, did anyone watch The City? Nah, me neither. I actually saw Whitney on the cover of a magazine while I was at the checkout at the grocery store and it took me a minute to recognize her. One wonders, what does the scripted reality star do once she's a has-been? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

But I digress.

Back at the world's most uncomfortable apartment, Spencer confronts Heidi about her Colorado love fest.


Spencer: Well look who's come crawling back...
Heidi: It's not like that. I told you I was coming home in a few days.
Spencer: Look who's come home with her tail between her legs.
Heidi: (sighing) Spencer...
Spencer: Look which little piggy went waa waa waa all the way home.


Heidi: Okay that's enough. Why are you pissed this time?
Spencer: A little birdie told me that you were cavorting with Colby.
Heidi: Do you even know who Colby is?
Spencer: Your lover! You're a whore, whore!
Heidi: I went out with Colby for like 3 days during sophomore year and it was just because he was in love with me and worked at the cineplex and got me into movies for free.
Spencer: Whore!


Heidi: I kissed him one time and I got free movies until we graduated. There was nothing else to do in that damn town. It was necessary.
Spencer: So why were you hanging around with him this time?
Heidi: My mom set us up. He's recently come into some money and he wanted to discuss a business venture.
Spencer: With you? Why?
Heidi: Spencer, I don't know if you've been paying attention lately, but we're sort of loaded.
Spencer: What kind of business? 
Heidi: I don't know. We didn't really talk much about it.
Spencer: Because you were too busy making out?
Heidi: Oh my god...
Spencer: A lemonade stand?
Heidi: Importing/exporting.


Spencer: Importing what?
Heidi:..chips.
Spencer: Chips. And what does he export?
Heidi: Diapers.
Spencer: Something feels very familiar about this conversation.
Heidi: I don't know what you mean. I'm going to go brush my hair.



And over at People's Revolution, Stephanie has moved on to ruining someone else's life.


Lauren: (into phone) I'll be outta work at like 4:30. Maybe I can meet up with you then? ...Hahahaha.....Oh, Brody. You so crazy!
Stephanie: Hey I hate to interrupt but I've been waiting here for 15 minutes already.
Lauren: (into phone) Sorry, I gotta go. Stephanie is here...I don't know what she wants she just appeared...I think I told her I could get her a job...Haha...I know I was probably drunk...Oh well...Ok I'll call you later.
Stephanie: Finally.

So Lauren sends Stephanie upstairs to the lion's den.


Stephanie: I'm so excited to meet you. I've heard so many great things.
Kelly: Ok so clearly you're lying. No one says great things about me.
Stephanie: Have you seen my resume?
Kelly: Yes. And I gotta ask, have you ever actually had a job before?
Stephanie: Oh sure, tons of jobs I just didn't put them on my resume.
Kelly: Like what?
Stephanie: Uh, importing...exporting...oh neat is that the new Vogue?
Kelly: Please don't touch my stuff.



Night falls and it's time for everyone to hit the town and have some fun. Spencer is ready for action and picks up his shadow-boxing pal Hot Dog Charlie.


Spencer: Dude are you feeling okay? You're acting super weird.
HDC: I'm great bro. Thanks for taking me out. I love that we're friends.
Spencer: Yyyyeah. Well anyway. I am ready for some tequila shots and some ladies.


HDC: And more tequila.
Spencer: That's right. It's what I use to grow my translucent facial hair at an astonishing rate.
HDC: White beard!
Spencer: White beard, bro. Are you sure you're okay?


HDC: I may have taken all our drugs.
Spencer: Figures.

Aaaand cut to Spencer doing shots.


Down the hatch!

Spencer: Ah man. It's great to finally get out for a little while. Blow off some steam.
Stacie: Yeah you must have had a hell of a week. All of that napping and playing Wii.
Spencer: Get off you high horse sugar, you work at a bar.
Stacie: Hey!


Spencer: Sorry. Sorry. Can we just stay focused? Stephanie is bringing Heidi here any moment.
Stacie: Wait, what?
Spencer: Didn't Hot Dog Charlie tell you? How you're helping me get back at my wife?
Stacie: Girlfriend.
Spencer: Whatever.
Stacie: No...
Spencer: Yo Charlie!


Hot Dog Charlie gurgles and spits up blood.

Just then, Heidi and Stephanie arrive and spot Spencer with his new buddy.

And let me tell you something, you don't need the volume up to tell when someone's saying fuck.



Spencer: Ruh roh. This is so much scarier than I'd anticipated, Stace.
Stacie: (through fake smile) Is she gonna kill me?


Spencer: Maybe.
Stacie: Thanks for dragging me into this, ass.


Heidi: How dare you do this to me!  Out with some floosie!   I got implants for you.
Stephanie: Mmm-hmm. Go on, girl.
Heidi: I gave up my best friend for you! I got these unicorn hair extensions.   And pore reduction surgery.
HDC: Hey, chill out on him.
Heidi: Sit down, lumberjack.


HDC: It's Hot Dog Charlie.
Heidi: Okay, if I need meth, I'll let you know. Until then, will you please take your seat.
Spencer: Hey you started this when you went out with Colby to discuss your "business venture."


Heidi: Will you just grow up? And stop with the air quotes.
Spencer: Importing/exporting. The only thing he was importing was his penis into your vagi--
Heidi: That's it. I've heard enough. See ya next Monday.

And that concludes my first audio-less Hills recap.  Wow, that was not hard at all. 

The Hills Recap: On The Love Boat

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