Sunday, December 13, 2009

I Wish I Could Say This All In Fewer Words Because The Length of This Makes It Seem Too Dramatic

After a 10 day stretch of blog writer's block, I come to you with upsetting news: Earlier today I was emotionally moved by Julie & Julia. Those of you who know me, and those of you--whoever you are--that only know me as Hollywood Sucker, might be surprised to learn that a feel-good, please-everybody movie could have this effect on me. Well, allow me to put this in some kind of context.

I bought the movie on demand at about 4:30. Up until that point, I'd accomplished nothing all day, except for managing to cram 2 carb-intense meals into my face in the span of just 4 hours. I have a love/hate relationship with lazy days like these. Lately I've been leaning more towards the hate side of things.

So I'm sitting there watching the movie, not a thought in my brain. I get to the part where (spoiler alert--I guess? not really) Amy Adam's character, Julie, is featured in a New York Times article and suddenly every literary agent and publisher in the universe wants a piece of her. Hurrah, hurrah, she is a real writer after all.

And I, in spite of myself, start to cry. These weren't sappy happy scene tears. I was just...bothered. With myself, not with the movie. I suppose the best explanation I can offer is that it occurred to me that my writing aspirations are little more than a hobby. And that I've never devoted a good amount of attention to any hobby I've ever explored. But this Julie person found a way to fix her own shortcomings as a writer, got lucky, got published, and wound up portrayed in a major Hollywood movie by an attractive A-list actress. Now she has a new blog with an About Me section that reads, "From dead-end secretarial job to a 110 pound dog and a job writing in my pajamas." Well la-di-freaking-da.

Because I'm trying to be a better human being these days I don't want to dwell on the real Julie and her real success. So back to the story at hand: me, my couch, and this darn movie.

I finished watching the movie, trying to put my ridiculous outburst out of my mind. Fortunately Devin had dozed off somewhere along the way and missed the whole episode, so if I could just get through the end credits and on with my night, I could ignore whatever feelings were rumbling around deep inside. I could pretend this had never happened.

But of course that was a stupid plan, and by the time the movie wrapped up and Devin stirred from his nap, I was still distracted and distraught. So I took a shower for no good reason, then went out to get a hot fudge sundae for dinner, and now here we are. I think I have reached some kind of conclusion.

I believe the writer in me is still alive and well. I think I've just wound up in the wrong headspace.

When I started this blog my plan was to chronicle the life of an average, daydreaming, underwhelming girl with no money, who lived in a city of glamour, celebrity, sunshine and wealth. Sure it was a self deprecating theme, but I think --I hope--that was its charm. And then for a while I became obsessed with The Hills during what was sort of an unannounced comparison study. Who's doing it right? People like me or people like Lauren? I don't know if I ever decided on a winning team, but I'd like to think it's the one I'm on.

And then sometime after that my blog just lost steam. In the last several months, especially, I can't seem to find anything to say. I realize now that it's because I can't write this particular blog any more. I'm not feeling so lost and lame, so bored and boring. My job is going really well, I just got married and thus started an exciting new part of my life. And in general, I think some part of me just changed somewhere along the line.

For instance, last week Devin and I went to a get together at the home of one of his coworkers. It was a beautiful house, and not in a massive, elegant way. It was cozy, and warm, and every piece of furniture or artwork had a story behind it. That night, in bed, I was acting sort of despondent. Devin asked what was wrong and I told him, "I just want a house and I'm sad we don't have one." Once the words came out of my mouth, I hated myself for saying it. And for being such a brat, as I lay in a warm bed, next to someone who loves me, with a roof over my head and a belly full of yummy dinner.

So it goes when I try to write this blog. More often than not, I stop myself from publishing my post because I re-read what I've typed and I feel like I'm being a little shithead, like I'm directionless and hopeless. And while I hate to admit that the story of Julie Powell has anything to do with the story of me, I think I realized I'd rather write a blog that sets goals. That speaks to accomplishments, or at least to the pursuit of something.

As 2009 comes to a close, I think it's time to put an end to Hollywood Sucker. In the new year, one of two things will happen: Either I will start a new blog, one where every entry I type feels right, or else I will just stay focused on my other writing, the countless screenplays I've started with great fervor and then carelessly abandoned.

And now that I'm here, I don't know exactly what to say. This is harder than I thought it would be. So thanks for those of you who have been reading. See you around the internet.



Anonymous said...

I also was moved by Julie and Julia. Saw it in theaters with my buddy. Guarantee it'll be nominated for best pic. I actually bought it last week for my mother. Great film and great story. Now, on to the Hollywood Sucker. Some of us know you, some of us know you as just Hollywood Sucker. However, one thing is quite clear: you have a singular voice. Simply put: you've got what it takes. So much of everything is reflection and digestion. One demands the other. Head spaces change, weird weeks or months happen. Still, a real writer is always a writer whether they're physically writing or just having shitty days in and out of naps. You've entered an exciting new chapter in your life as a person which means all kinds of new inspiration is waiting to rush over you as a writer. Try to stay focused. Try to pick your favorite screenplay attempt and commit to finishing it. I guarantee you'll feel a special thrill when you put a nail in one of them. Remember, very few people have the gift. You've got it. Good things will come because hard working talented people come out the other side with a few bruises but lots of truth. By living each day you're in the process of authoring your very own Julie and Julia story. Keep the Faith.

Anonymous said...

P.S. I wish I could have said that in fewer words because the length of it makes it seem melodramatic.

Anonymous said...

Well said.

I hope you'll let us know when you make your return to blogging.

Anonymous said...

It's Kristen. This makes me sad. Selfishly, I don't want you to abandon this blog. Sometimes when I'm reading, it makes me feel like you're sitting across from me, chatting about the events of your day, and not thousands of miles away! However, if it feels like throwing in the towel is the right thing to do, you know best. Love you & miss you!

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Girl, do what you got to do, but you ARE a good writer and you DO have what it takes. If this feels like the right move, then go for it, but don't withdraw from your writing just because you aren't where you want to be yet. Because you'll get there- you really will. And we will all get to say "I remember when she wrote stuff about baby pictures on myspace" (still my all time favorite post).


Brian said...

This = major sad face for me.

Come back soon!

devin said...

This blog is awesome. Your next one will be better. Also, I'd like to make a million dollar bet with the person who guaranteed Julie and Julia will be nominated for best picture.

Katelin said...

i agree with what's been said and do what you have to do. but i hope you do make it back to the internet and i can't wait to read it again when you do.

Tia said...

i really hope you don't abandon blogging altogether because i think you're really talented.

and i'll miss your hills recaps.


Anonymous said...

Devin I humbly accept your bet offer. For the record this is the first million dollar bet I've ever been a part of.

ems said...

Bummer! I love your blog. Please let us know when you start blogging again. You're a great writer and I hope you keep at it.

print girl inc said...

well that sucks balls. i really enjoy your writing even if it's sporadic. although i do understand, you have to do what is right for you.

Rachael said...

Whether you want to believe it at the moment or not... You have a voice that conveys amazingly well through writing! You have hit a bloggers block... cause its life! Whatever you take your voice to next will be awesomeness! Just don't give up!!! lovelovelove.

Andrea said...

This makes me especially sad because I JUST met and and JUST stated reading your blog and I already like it so much! But you have to do what you have to do to feel fulfilled, and sometimes that means making hard decisions, like this one. I hope you do blog again, and when you do, you'll let me know where I can find it. Meanwhile - Doing Stuff Club!

Yasi said...

congratulations on taking the next step within your journey. enjoy the discovery. thank you for writing -- you inspire me more than you know. love you so darn much and miss your face!!

Anonymous said...

This makes me sad, which is why I have no good comment. It was my weekly Bri fix. What will I do now?


Anonymous said...

Brim over I to but I about the collection should have more info then it has.

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