Thursday, April 23, 2009

Monday, April 20, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Hills Recap: I Need To Get A Life

I missed The Hills on Monday, but I was very much looking forward to watching it online and recapping it for you fine folks.   However, last night as I sat on the couch with my laptop, Devin also settled in to watch TV.   This meant if we were both going to live in peace, I'd have to leave the room or find headphones.   But I'm too lazy for that. 

And I'm also too brilliant.  For in this stupid dilemma I saw opportunity.   Who needs words when you have furrowed brows?  

And so I present to you my first Hills recap written after watching the entire episode with the sound off.  Let the experiment begin!

Last week, after Heidi found out about Spencer's flirtatious ways, she once again fled to Colorado for a little mommy time.  But little did she know, her mom was hellbent on pushing Heidi's high school beau Colby as the greatest thing since white beard.  (You know, as in Spencer.  Get it?  Let's move on.)

But in the 10 person universe that is The Hills, word travels fast and in no time Stephanie was onto her commitment-ceremony-sister-in-law.  And now, she must tell Spencer.


Spencer: Oh you're here.  I thought I smelled something.
Stephanie: You're hilarious.  So what's up?
Spencer: Just whippin up a little french t.  That's how I say french toas--


Stephanie: Yeah yeah.  I get it.  Anyway, I don't have much time to shoot the shit.  I gotta get to fashion school drama club practice.  We're doing a theatrical production of 1980's sitcom A Different World.
Spencer: Well that explains your outfit.
Stephanie: How do you mean?
Spencer: Uh, nevermind.  So why are you here?
Stephanie:  To tattle on Heidi.  She was in Colorado with Colby.
Spencer: Who the eff is that?  The muppet?
Stephanie: No her ex boyfriend.  From high school...


Spencer: So?  We're married.  What's she gonna do, run away with him?
Stephanie: How many times must I tell you?  You're fake married.
Spencer: Oh right right.  So what am I supposed to do?
Stephanie: Don't worry.  I too am cooking up a little something...bwa ha ha.
Spencer: I don't get it.
Stephanie: You know, because you're cooking french toast and I'm cooking up a plan to get back at Heidi.

Spencer stares blankly at his sister.

Stephanie:  I hate you so much.



Meanwhile, over at The People's Revolution, Lauren decides to show up for work.


Lauren: Hey Kelly, how's it going up here in the loft?

Kelly jumps out of her skin as she looks up from her work.

Kelly: Jesus, blondie. You scared the bitch outta me. What are you doing here?


Lauren: Don't be silly, I work here.
Kelly: Really? You still work here?
Lauren: Yes of course. Why wouldn't I?


35 seconds pass by in silence and with uninterrupted eye contact.

Kelly: Alright. Whatever.

By the way, did anyone watch The City? Nah, me neither. I actually saw Whitney on the cover of a magazine while I was at the checkout at the grocery store and it took me a minute to recognize her. One wonders, what does the scripted reality star do once she's a has-been? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

But I digress.

Back at the world's most uncomfortable apartment, Spencer confronts Heidi about her Colorado love fest.


Spencer: Well look who's come crawling back...
Heidi: It's not like that. I told you I was coming home in a few days.
Spencer: Look who's come home with her tail between her legs.
Heidi: (sighing) Spencer...
Spencer: Look which little piggy went waa waa waa all the way home.


Heidi: Okay that's enough. Why are you pissed this time?
Spencer: A little birdie told me that you were cavorting with Colby.
Heidi: Do you even know who Colby is?
Spencer: Your lover! You're a whore, whore!
Heidi: I went out with Colby for like 3 days during sophomore year and it was just because he was in love with me and worked at the cineplex and got me into movies for free.
Spencer: Whore!


Heidi: I kissed him one time and I got free movies until we graduated. There was nothing else to do in that damn town. It was necessary.
Spencer: So why were you hanging around with him this time?
Heidi: My mom set us up. He's recently come into some money and he wanted to discuss a business venture.
Spencer: With you? Why?
Heidi: Spencer, I don't know if you've been paying attention lately, but we're sort of loaded.
Spencer: What kind of business? 
Heidi: I don't know. We didn't really talk much about it.
Spencer: Because you were too busy making out?
Heidi: Oh my god...
Spencer: A lemonade stand?
Heidi: Importing/exporting.


Spencer: Importing what?
Heidi:..chips.
Spencer: Chips. And what does he export?
Heidi: Diapers.
Spencer: Something feels very familiar about this conversation.
Heidi: I don't know what you mean. I'm going to go brush my hair.



And over at People's Revolution, Stephanie has moved on to ruining someone else's life.


Lauren: (into phone) I'll be outta work at like 4:30. Maybe I can meet up with you then? ...Hahahaha.....Oh, Brody. You so crazy!
Stephanie: Hey I hate to interrupt but I've been waiting here for 15 minutes already.
Lauren: (into phone) Sorry, I gotta go. Stephanie is here...I don't know what she wants she just appeared...I think I told her I could get her a job...Haha...I know I was probably drunk...Oh well...Ok I'll call you later.
Stephanie: Finally.

So Lauren sends Stephanie upstairs to the lion's den.


Stephanie: I'm so excited to meet you. I've heard so many great things.
Kelly: Ok so clearly you're lying. No one says great things about me.
Stephanie: Have you seen my resume?
Kelly: Yes. And I gotta ask, have you ever actually had a job before?
Stephanie: Oh sure, tons of jobs I just didn't put them on my resume.
Kelly: Like what?
Stephanie: Uh, importing...exporting...oh neat is that the new Vogue?
Kelly: Please don't touch my stuff.



Night falls and it's time for everyone to hit the town and have some fun. Spencer is ready for action and picks up his shadow-boxing pal Hot Dog Charlie.


Spencer: Dude are you feeling okay? You're acting super weird.
HDC: I'm great bro. Thanks for taking me out. I love that we're friends.
Spencer: Yyyyeah. Well anyway. I am ready for some tequila shots and some ladies.


HDC: And more tequila.
Spencer: That's right. It's what I use to grow my translucent facial hair at an astonishing rate.
HDC: White beard!
Spencer: White beard, bro. Are you sure you're okay?


HDC: I may have taken all our drugs.
Spencer: Figures.

Aaaand cut to Spencer doing shots.


Down the hatch!

Spencer: Ah man. It's great to finally get out for a little while. Blow off some steam.
Stacie: Yeah you must have had a hell of a week. All of that napping and playing Wii.
Spencer: Get off you high horse sugar, you work at a bar.
Stacie: Hey!


Spencer: Sorry. Sorry. Can we just stay focused? Stephanie is bringing Heidi here any moment.
Stacie: Wait, what?
Spencer: Didn't Hot Dog Charlie tell you? How you're helping me get back at my wife?
Stacie: Girlfriend.
Spencer: Whatever.
Stacie: No...
Spencer: Yo Charlie!


Hot Dog Charlie gurgles and spits up blood.


Just then, Heidi and Stephanie arrive and spot Spencer with his new buddy.

And let me tell you something, you don't need the volume up to tell when someone's saying fuck.



Spencer: Ruh roh. This is so much scarier than I'd anticipated, Stace.
Stacie: (through fake smile) Is she gonna kill me?


Spencer: Maybe.
Stacie: Thanks for dragging me into this, ass.


Heidi: How dare you do this to me!  Out with some floosie!   I got implants for you.
Stephanie: Mmm-hmm. Go on, girl.
Heidi: I gave up my best friend for you! I got these unicorn hair extensions.   And pore reduction surgery.
HDC: Hey, chill out on him.
Heidi: Sit down, lumberjack.


HDC: It's Hot Dog Charlie.
Heidi: Okay, if I need meth, I'll let you know. Until then, will you please take your seat.
Spencer: Hey you started this when you went out with Colby to discuss your "business venture."


Heidi: Will you just grow up? And stop with the air quotes.
Spencer: Importing/exporting. The only thing he was importing was his penis into your vagi--
Heidi: That's it. I've heard enough. See ya next Monday.



And that concludes my first audio-less Hills recap.  Wow, that was not hard at all. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Hills Recap: On The Love Boat

Apparently I prematurely stopped watching the last season of The Hills after Whitney interviewed with Diane von Furstenberg. I think I thought that was the final episode of the season, and up until LAST NIGHT I had no idea there were two Spencer/Heidi marriage episodes. Really. No clue!

I managed to catch the last 3 minutes of last season's final episode, however, and I feel like I pretty much got the gist (unless there was some more thrilling Nana drama that I missed). 

I'd say we're ready to dive into season 5. Shall we?


We begin by checking in with Heidi and Stephanie as they meet up for coffee and chat about Lauren's upcoming-- HOLY FRICKIN FRICK WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MOUTH?


Good grief, it's gotten so that we can't make it 4 seconds into an episode without being startled by a cast member's latest plastic surgery adventures. Stephanie Pratt is like that classmate you had who came back from summer vacation looking like... Jennifer Coolidge?

Now, where was I? Oh, right. Heidi and Stephanie are talking about Lauren's birthday.

Heidi: Doesn't Lauren have a birthday coming up?
Stephanie: That's so cute that you remembered.
Heidi: Well we were best friends. And also it's her turn in the rotation. Every third week one of us has a big birthday party.
Stephanie: My how time flies...
Heidi: What are you guys doing for her special day?


Stephanie: Oh it's going to be an awesome surprise. We all signed up for this new reality series called Stuck On A Boat. It's about a group of twenty somethings who are invited to this party, but here's the twist...they're all--
Heidi: Stuck on a boat?
Stephanie: Yeah! Wanna come?
Heidi: You sure that wouldn't be weird?
Stephanie: Why, because the whole country knows she hates you?
Heidi: Yeah...
Stephanie: Nah. Pick you up at 8.



Meanwhile, co-conspirators Audrina and Lo pick up the birthday cake.


Audrina: I'm looking forward to the party, but...I'm not sure we made the best plans.
Lo: What do you mean? It's great. We're gonna be STUCK..ON...A BOAT!
Audrina: Why did you just say it like that?


Lo: That's how you say it when you're watching the show at home. Like WHEEL...OF...FORTUNE!
Audrina: Oh God. This was a big mistake.

That night, the non-ostracized ladies of the cast gather in a limo to toast champagne before shipping out.


Lauren: Gosh, it's so crazy you guys are planning a surprise birthday for me. I never would have expected this.
Lo: Surprise!
Audrina: You don't say that yet. Jeesh.
Lauren: I mean, how lucky am I? That my friends may have rented a mansion in Hollywood to throw me a party. I mean, or something else...  I don't know because it's a surprise.


Lo: Surprise!
Audrina: Pipe down, Skipper. She thinks we rented a mansion. She's going to shit a brick when she finds out we're gonna be stuck on a boat.
Lo: STUCK...ON...A BOAT!

When the limo arrives at the marina, Lauren is escorted out in a blindfold. Considering this girl's insane trust issues, I find this a bit impressive.


Lo: Now take it easy. Right foot, left foot. Right foot, lef--
Lauren: That makes walking impossible!
Lo: Sorry.
Audrina: We're almost there.
Lauren: Where are we? I sense a gangbang.
Audrina: There's no gangbang.
Lauren: Is that (sniff sniff)...Is that a marina I smell?
Lo: Whaaaa? 
Lauren: Are we going on an effing boat?

SURPRISE!!


Lauren: God damn it.

By the way, can we just stop for a sec to check out Holly playing the role of hot chick from an 80's movie?



And while we're paused here, can I also please say something about Lauren's unfortunate interest in red lipstick. I brought up my concern previously when Lauren was sporting it during her Paris romp. But I wasn't too hard on her because I thought maybe it had something to do with her trying to look more European.


But now there's no excuse. Go ahead with your unibraid, and your thick black eyeliner, and your unflattering strapless cocktail dresses that you "make yourself." Just stop with this.

Okay, moment's over. Aaand we're back.

Just in time to catch Spencer doing a little dance move.


He's out with his new pal Hot Dog Charlie. I don't know where this guy came from, but his coloring makes me think he's a Pratt. He's like a Spencerized version of Justin Bobby.  A golden oreo.


But more on them later. It's almost time for the booze cruise to set sail. 

Wait!  We can't leave without Heidi.


Heidi: I'm here! I'm here!

Outstanding. Let's pull up the anchor...and untie the ropes?... Does anyone know any nautical terminology? I apparently do not.




Toot toot! That's a steamboat noise. Toot! Horn! Pulling away horn!


Lo: So. You're here.
Heidi: Looks like it. This might have been a bad move.
Lo: No, I'm sure Lauren's really excited to deal with you all evening. We all are.


Heidi: Well there's nothing I can do now. Quite literally. I mean I'm stu--

STUCK...ON...A BOAT!

Heidi: What the fuck was that?
Lo: The studio audience.

Back at the bar, Spencer and Hot Dog Charlie are downing tequila shots and Spencer is getting a little too forward with the bartender, Stacie.


Spencer: So what do I have to do to get you to dance on the bar?
Stacie: Not much!
Spencer: Specifically.
Stacie: Just play a good song.


Spencer: Like what?
Stacie: Ok I was trying to deflect your creepy questions with cutesie answers. I have to go wait on those guys at the other end of the bar.
Spencer: Oh yeah, bro. She wants me.
Hot Dog Charlie: Dude. Take it easy. Aren't you married?


Spencer: Imaginationly.
HDC: Why are you so shiny right now?
Spencer: It's just my protective sealant. You ever shared pillows with a woman who wears stage makeup to bed every night? It does a number on my pores. So I got this sealant to protect me. It's a lot like that plastic film on the screen of a new cellphone.



And then Spencer notices his sister's ex boyfriend Cameron sitting in a nearby booth and says hello. But the minute his back is turned, Cameron starts tattle-texting on Spencer, revealing to Stephanie that there is some seriously gross flirting going down.



Message received.


Stephanie: Oh Audrina you do NOT want to see the text I just read.
Audrina: Good because I'm busy with this poker game.
Stephanie: That's good because you did NOT want to see this.
Audrina: You mentioned that.
Stephanie: Yeah it is a craaazy text message.
Audrina: Fine. What.
Stephanie: Cameron says he's watching Spencer flirt with a bartender.


Audrina: Hmm. That's not good.
Stephanie: Ruh roh, here comes Heidi. Don't say ANYTHING.
Heidi: What's up guys?
Stephanie: Spencer's being a whore!


Ring ring. Ring ring.

Spencer: Sup babelicious?
Heidi: Are you flirting with some bartender?


Spencer: Psshhh.
Heidi: That is not an answer. Spencer, we are somewhat married. You can't be doing this.
Spencer: Who told you that? Was it Cameron?
Heidi: So you ARE flirting?
Spencer: Where are you? It's loud there.
Heidi: I'm at this party. I'm st--

STUCK...ON...A BOAT!

Spencer: What was that?
Heidi: The god damn studio audience. I don't even know how they're seeing this.


Spencer: OK well I'm gonna go get in a lame-ass fight.
Heidi: Spencer, no. Bad Spencer.

Click.

Heidi: I wish I wasn't stu--

STUCK...ON...A BOAT!

Spencer: So, bro. I hear you've been using texts for evil.
Cameron: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Spencer: Prepare to be rapidly jabbed.


Okay, I don't know how to best describe this fight. It was something like fist stabbing?


When word of the fight makes it back to Heidi, Lauren is just drunk enough to rush to her aid.


Lauren: I'm sorry. He sucks.
Heidi: He does suck. Hold me.
Lauren: Only if you say I was right.
Heidi: What's that now?
Lauren: About that prick. I was right. Say it.
Heidi: You were right.
Lauren: I'm so...I'm so happy to hear that.


Heidi: (between big gluey sobs) Oh gaaahhhd, you were ri-hi-hi-ight.
Lauren: I'm so drunk right now.


And with that we conclude our first, and last, episode of The Hills: Stuck On A Boat. We all know a Hills spinoff is a bad idea anyway.