Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Hills Recap: The Cheese Stands Alone

I have to say that I was intrigued and delighted when I read the title of this week's episode of The Hills.

"When Lauren's Away."

Refreshing, isn't it?  Let's say that again.  "When Lauren's Away."  Take a deep breath.  The air is cool, crisp.  Like after the first winter's snowfall.

Inside you feel mischievous, like when your boss is away on vacation. There's so much potential for joy, but you know you're supposed to be your same, solemn self.

"When Lauren's Away..." Ah, it's a sentence I can't wait to finish.

So where is Lauren? She's off to Italy, for reasons unspecified. I'm sure it's either a well deserved vacation or a hard earned opportunity.

Audrina: So are you excited for your trip?
Lauren: Not especially. I mean, it's just Italy, you know?
Audrina: I guess...

And while Lo and Audrina assure Lauren that the two of them won't fight while she's gone (or, at least they won't draw blood), poor Audrina doesn't look so convinced.

"When Lauren's Away...Lo shaves off Audrina's hair while she's sleeping."

Later that day, once Lauren's long gone, Stephanie drops by the house, unannounced. She rings the front buzzer, startling Audrina, who is idling chopping vegetables in the kitchen.

Audrina: Um...hello?
Stephanie: Hey slut, whats up?
Audrina: Who is this?
Stephanie: Stephanie.

Audrina: Who?
Stephanie: Lauren's friend.
Audrina: Oh...
Stephanie: Can I come in?
Audrina: Lauren's not home.
Stephanie: Yeah I know.
Audrina: Okay. Well she won't be home for a long time. She's in Italy.
Stephanie: I know.

Audrina: I don't know how else to put this...go away?
Stephanie: I wanted to talk to you.
Audrina: I see.

Stephanie waits a moment for the sound of the front door buzzer. There is only silence. Still, she makes an attempt to open the front gate. It's still locked. So, she rings the buzzer again.

Audrina: Hello?
Stephanie: It's still locked.
Audrina: I'm aware.
Stephanie: Audrina, please just let me in. Come on, people are starting to notice me standing out here. It's embarrassing.

Stephanie can hear the sound of Audrina sighing heavily through the speaker. Then, a buzzer.

As Stephanie enters, Audrina tries to put on a happy face.

Audrina: So...hi. You look nice. You know, nice for you.
Stephanie: Oh thanks. Sorry to drop in on you like this. I hope I'm not interrupting.
Audrina: Well, a little. I was just making a salad.
Stephanie: Were you gonna eat it or something?
Audrina: Not really...Ok, you got me, I have nothing but free time. What's going on?

Stephanie: I need your advice. This guy asked me out and I don't know if I should go on a date with him.
Audrina: You should. I mean, you have no other options.
Stephanie: You don't even know anything about him.
Audrina: Who is he?
Stephanie: Doug.
Audrina: Lauren's Doug?
Stephanie: Yeah.

Audrina: Then no, don't go out with him.
Stephanie: I knew it was a bad idea. Lauren would be pissed huh?
Audrina: Ha! Shyeah. But also, Doug's lips are the same color as his face...which is the same color as his hair. The whole thing's just weird.
Stephanie: That's an interesting point...

The room is quiet. Audrina continues chopping vegetables while Stephanie shifts around in her chair.

Audrina: Seems like we're done here so...
Stephanie: Oh, right. Bye.

"When Lauren's away...someone takes her place and no one really notices."

Meanwhile, at SBE, Heidi stops by coworker Kim's desk for some inane chit chat.

Heidi: You working on that event?
Kim: Yeah. I'm looking at skate ramps now.
Heidi: This is my favorite.
Kim: I know, right?
Heidi: I think I'm going to bring Spencer.
Kim: Awesome.

"When Lauren's away...the bullshitting continues."

Attempting to forge ahead with their new pretend friendship, Audrina and Lo meet for lunch.

Lo: I really miss Lauren.
Audrina: You do?
Lo: You don't? Hmmm.  I'm sure she'll be interested to hear that.
Audrina: Oh please don't. We're supposed to be rekindling our friendship right now. La-aaaame.
Lo: You don't deserve her kindness and...and warmth...and guest house.
Audrina: You think I'm bad, you should hear what Stephanie's up to.
Lo: That bitch! I'll kill her.
Audrina: She's going on a date with Doug.
Lo: Doug? Doug Doug?
Audrina: That very Doug.
Lo: That bitch! I'll kill her!
Audrina: You mentioned that.

"When Lauren's away...lunch dates become 35% more awkward."

That night, having learned nothing from their earlier outing, Audrina and Lo get all dolled up to go to the club. Once there, they nestle into a booth and begin rhythmically stabbing their straws around in their cocktails. Silence follows. And then, thank heavens, the evening's entertainment arrives in the form of Heidi and Spencer.

Heidi: Wow, hi guys!
Audrina: Hiiiii!

Lo clears throat, fusses with sagging tube top.

Heidi: I never though I'd see you guys here! I mean, I had hoped. I mean...I sort of thought you might be here. And I thought hey maybe if I just get dressed and go to Goa, I might just happen to run into some friends. And I've been trying that all week but finally...it worked! Crazy! Now I won't have to spend another night at home sitting through Spencer's made up card tricks or watching him reorganize his DVDs from most to least kickass. Hahahahahahaha. Who's talking a lot? I AM! It's like I'm nuts but I'm not. I'm SO happy. SO in love.
Audrina: Um...that's...

Spencer: Hey, Lo! Something about Lauren.
Lo: What? What about her?
Spencer: Something, I don't know.
Lo: You can't just say "something," dipshit.
Spencer: Whatevs sketchface, I'm tired. Heidi, can we go home now? Play a little Wii tennis?
Heidi:(shaking violently) NO GOD DAMN IT! Ahem. So, Audrina. Any gossip?
Audrina: Did you hear Stephanie's going out with Doug?

"When Lauren's away...Heidi will play."

Later, we find ourselves at the X-Games party that Kim and Heidi planned. Audrina and Justin drop by to hang out. Spencer entertains them all with the witty dinner convo he's been practicing for days.

Spencer: You guys see Batman?
Justin: Yeah.
Spencer: So good. The joker...so good.
Justin: Uh-huh.

Audrina and Heidi start a little side conversation where they discuss the two things they have left to discuss at this point. Item 1: What's up with Stephanie? Item 2: We used to be such good friends. In the beginning. It was always us going out. It was so fun. We should be friends, etc.

While these good times are going down, Stephanie and Doug are out on their infamous date that Audrina won't shut her yap about.

Stephanie:You look nice. Your lips are really shiny.
Doug: Oh yeah. It's natural.
Stephanie: Well thanks for bringing me out.

Doug: Sure thing, babetard. After Lauren ditched me I was like, "I'll be damned if I'm getting kicked off The Hills." You know?
Stephanie: What?
Doug: You look pretty.
Stephanie:  Aww. Thanks.

Just as they're about to tuck into their appetizers, Brody's mom strolls up to their table. And Stephanie gets a little glimpse into her own future. And it ain't pretty. It's just...odd.

They make small talk and Doug introduces himself. "Oh YOU'RE Doug," says Brody's mom. Ruh-roh.  This isn't good.

When she shuffles off, Stephanie looks a little queasy.

Stephanie: Do you think she'll tell Brody?
Doug: Probably. Do you think she dug me?
Stephanie: Oh my god. Lauren will have my head for this!
Doug: I think her friend mighta liked me too. MILF. Hahahaha. MILF.
Stephanie: Then what will I do? Make NEW friends? Ha. Between the two of us we've already met everyone worthwhile.
Doug: Are you gonna eat your gazpacho?

"When Lauren's away...things get interesting."

But don't get too comfortable. Looks like Macky's back in town.

Lauren: I'm hoooooome
Lo: Lover! Oh I've missed the smell of your hair.
Audrina: How was Italy?
Lauren: Italian. I dunno, boring. I'd rather hear about the lives of the 3 people I know. Tell me everything I've missed.
Lo: Oh, um.
Audrina: Uh. Well.
Lauren: What?... What?
Lo: Stephanie was gonna go on a date with Doug.

Lauren: My Doug!? I mean, oh, that Doug? My ex Doug? Who I didn't like. I was done with him anyway. I don't care.  No sir-ee-bub.
Lo: You're not mad?
Lauren: Pssh. What? No. Anyway, she'd never go through with the date.

Don't know quite why there was such a breakdown in the gossip machine all of a sudden. Didn't they hear she WENT on the date?

One good date deserves another, and so Brody and Lauren go out for some Mexican food. Oh, I see where this is going. And it doesn't matter when or how Brody broke the news of the ACTUAL Stephanie/Doug date to Lauren. All that matters is this precious look on her little face.

What's the Italian word for betrayal?


Amanda said...

I don't think I would watch "The Hills" anymore if it weren't for your recaps. They should just broadcast these instead.

JenBun said...

Hahahahahahaha. Who's talking a lot? I AM! It's like I'm nuts but I'm not. I'm SO happy. SO in love.

This is my favorite. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Love your recap BTW!

Katelin said...

hahaha. this episode was ridiculous. i absolutely love your recaps though.

Peter said...

I have actually stopped watching since you started recapping.


Tia said...

dude. no one can touch your recaps.



i heart you.

Anonymous said...

It´s "tradimento" :P poor Lauren..I´m starting to despise her again and again..she´s so stupid..by the way (I have missed like a year of The Hills) weren´t Lauren and Audrina enemies now?...anyway..cutest phrase ever:"Doug's lips are the same color as his face...which is the same color as his hair. The whole thing's just weird." :D

Jack and Jill said...

Shiny lips on guys = hot.

Also, where do you get all these pictures??

surviving myself said...

You are a genius.

Hollywood Sucker said...

amanda- I agree.

jenbun- Thanks! She's nuts, huh?

tales- Thanks for reading.

Katelin- This episode ruled. Lauren should go to Italy permanently. Sorry, Italy.

Peter- I hope MTV doesn't get pissed.

tia- I heart you.

anto- Wow, I didn't think anyone would actually answer me. You rock.

jack and jill- I follow the cast around and spy on them. Then I duck behind shrubbery or parked cars and take pictures of them with my camera phone.

surviving- No, you are.

Anonymous said...

I didn't get to watch all of the show last night, my husband was hogging the tv watching the Steelers game, and I was too lazy to go to the family room. What did you think?

I did catch the ending with Heidi and her mom, I wonder what Heidi really thinks of Spencer in "real" life.

And was Laruen once again was sporting a girl mustache or is it just me?

Hollywood Sucker said...

Becky- I thought I was the only one who noticed the mustache! I was going to mention it the first time it happened but I never got around to it. But don't worry, I'm bringing it up this time around. :)

LaBellaVida said...

i haven't seen this show for a couple episodes this was hilarious! i'm so glad i came upon it!!

Your Girlfriend is Ugly said...

This is exactly why I stopped watching The Hills