Friday, October 24, 2008

There's Something On Your Lawn

I've grown to really enjoy my morning walks with Seamus the dog. Yes, it means getting up earlier than usual, walking aimlessly through the neighborhood and picking up poop. But it's also a chance to enjoy the day when the air is cool and the sunlight in bright yet gentle. There are few other people milling around, just those unfortunate folks who have to head into work earlier than I do and some other dog owners (who always stop to remark just how handsome Seamus is).

During these walks, Seamus is oh so happy just to be alive and starting his day, and watching him makes me feel the same way.

But lately there have been some odd sites in our neighborhood that make it a little difficult to feel jolly and energized. Now, our particular block is all apartment buildings, but as you head further into the neighborhood the streets are lined with neat little one story houses. As Seamus and I walk passed them, I admire the well-kept lawns, Spanish tile roofs and cactus gardens by their front porches.

And now that it's nearing Halloween, there's something else for me to look at: A shit ton of heinous stuff on their fronts lawns.

This morning, I brought my cellphone with me to take pictures to share this all with you.

First, there is a house just a block away from us that has their whole front lawn covered in tombstones and zombies that look like they are crawling out from the ground.

They also have a monument to the death penalty.

I'm not sure why, but skeletons have always made me uncomfortable, ever since I was little. And I don't appreciate how close this one is to the sidewalk. I find I keep crossing to the other side of the street to avoid it.

And see that hanging man in the background? Is that legal? Doesn't it seem like it would be illegal to have a life size dummy hanging from a real noose on your front lawn?

This house also had some small spooky little touches around the side of the house. Like these impaled skulls in the rose garden.

I've also noticed that those gossamer spider webs are a popular choice for decorations. You know the kind I mean? It's like a loose wad of cotton that comes in a big package for like 75 cents.

Anyway, this one house LOVES fake spider webs. And, apparently, they also love caution tape.

I think at some point people just started associating this fake stuff with general creepiness and forgot that it's supposed to represent a spider's web. No spider or group of spiders could possibly ever generate this much web.

Except, of course, for this spider:

One block over, a house is entangled in a spider web. As some of you may recall, I'm not a fan of spiders, and this sort of made me uneasy. I also don't like the two evil people standing on the roof.

And now that I've given you a little tour around some of my favorite displays, I'd like to show you the piece de resistance. A whole lawn chock full of batshit crazy. I really have to applaud these people.

See, some how these folks obtained the shell of an airplane and made a zombie pilot. They also made a scarecrow and carved a jack o lantern head. Look closely and you'll see the scarecrow is holding a rope, which is tied around the neck of a wheelchair bound person with a bag over his head. Behind that, you'll see a mirror. "Redrum" is written on it in red paint (Or maybe actual blood. I wouldn't put it passed them.) There is a whole movie theme worked into this display. And that mirror represents, of course, The Shining.

But wait, there's more! There is so much shit going on here that I needed to take several pictures.

Here is the representation of Se7en. That sign reads "What's in the box?"

You can't ask me "What's in the box?" and then put a box in front of me. I stood at this stupid thing for entirely too long, resisting the urge to open the box. I know...I KNOW these people put something in there, but I'm too terrified to see what it is.

Then there is a bathtub with Psycho written across it and a dead woman.

Seamus smelled this part of the display for a good while. He was all, "You look like a person, but you smell like old plastic. And you're weird."

This next part of their display has nothing to do with the movies, but it's disgusting.

And then there's this baby in a basket, with a sign that reads "Don't abandon your baby." Ah, maybe a nice bit of social responsibility?

But then what's with the other sign, "Don't abandon your human" with some sort of wolf thing eating a baby? A dingo! A dingo ate this baby!

At one point, the owners of this house must have gotten a little too creative, and they began inventing other movies, such as Attack of the Polygamous Pimp Penguins From The Projects of Pittsburgh PA.

Are you allowed to leave rifles on your front lawn?

And yes, in the background that is a hearse. The hearse first appeared a few weeks before this Halloween clusterfuck came into existence. I saw it parked on the street near their house, thought "Who has an effing hearse?" and then poof, it was on their lawn.

And yes, it's driven by a maniacal bunny rabbit.

When I saw this small detail I was actually startled. I felt a little flip in my stomach.

So my hats off to these particular neighbors. You've really come up with something here. I have never seen anything like this in my whole life. And I hope I never see anything else like it again.


Felicia said...

Oh my god, this is so disturbing yet hilarious!

Katelin said...

wow your neighborhood sort of freaks me out. shudder.

M&M said...

wow definitely creepy. and i agree. the donnie darko bunny driving the hearse is definitely the kicker!

Quaver said...

Bwahaha! Love the penguin a la shotgun!

nicoleantoinette said...

I should clearly live where you live.

miss clover said...

now that i'm in laurel canyon, i'm spending a lot more time in the valley and i'm growing truly truly fond of it.

this confirms how awesome it is.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Sweet merciful crap. Someone has too much free time...

Lori Mocha said...

Your neighbors frighten me!


Cafe Observer said...

LA, & Hollywood in particular, have always been a little scary. This is just further proof.
But, it's a source of good employment for guard dogs, especially german shepherds

I'm always a sucker for a good blog.

Rebekah said...

Every day I drive by a house with incredibly tacky Halloween decorations, from lights to inflatables to fake dead bodies sticking out from under the bushes. They're on the lawn, on the porch roof, on the TOP roof even. Tacky doesn't do it justice. Craptacular.

Next door to Halloween House is a nice little house with a "For Sale" sign. Those poor people.

yuuka said...

My neighbourhood only goes all out for Christmas. *Sad* I love your neighbours.

saratogajean said...

Holy shit. I have a feeling they are going to have some left over Halloween candy. No way would I brave all of that for a fun size Snickers bar.

Brian said...

Omg, that rabbit is the scariest thing EVER

Anonymous said...

I wish that you hadn't specified that Seamus is a dog in that first sentence. It would have been much funnier for new readers.

(And don't for a minute think that, because I commented on the first sentence, I didn't read and adore every single word.)

raych said...


i need to go to that neighborhood on halloween.

surviving myself said...

Holy shit. I am kinda speechless. Or commentless.

JenBun said...

That is CREEPY.

We always do a little haunted thing on my parents' front lawn, but it is NOTHING like this freak-a-palooza!

Seriously. Frightened.

I'll be in your 'hood (ish) this weekend!! :D

Hollywood Sucker said...

felicia- But mostly disturbing.

katelin- Yeah it's a strange place...

m&m- I gives me nightmares.

quaver- I want to know if that's a fake gun.

nicole- Yes. So you can protect me!

miss clover- Yeah I like the valley. It's like the land that time forgot, and filled with lunatics. BTW, you live right near me now. How are we not hanging out?

joy- Too much free time...and a spare bathtub.

lori- They'd come after me if they knew I was blogging about them!

cafe observer- are you a blogging dog?

rebakah- I know how they feel.

yuuka- Yeah, oddly enough my neighbors don't even TRY on Christmas.

saratogajean- Something tells me they didn't do this for the kids. I swear, there are no kids in my neighborhood anyway. It's all 20 somethings in the apartments and old folks in the houses.

brian- Close your eyes. Don't you still see the rabbit?

peter- Seamus the bodyguard. Seamus the imaginary friend. Seamus the mute boy who follows me.

raych- Please, come. You can be a buffer between them and me. Because they scare me.

surviving- I didn't think that was possible.

jenbun- Stop by! We're having a party!

rayray said...

dearest bri -
I laughed out loud. The bunny driving the hearse immediately flashed me back to when we were in london and saw donny darko and then had to walk home.