Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It Was Only A Matter of Time

Okay, yes, I've been gone for a while. After blogging for about a year and a half, a sort of fatigue set in and I didn't like the idea of going online and complaining about my own shortcomings yet again. I understand this is a common problem among us blogging types.

And then on Saturday, Kat from Pink India Ink called me out on my lack of recent postings, while also saying very nice things about me.

So I thought I better write something before everyone in the blogging world (I won't say "blogosphere") forgets who I am. Or maybe it's too late.

Let me tell you about this thing that happened to me last week that made me say, "Damn, I wish I was still blogging."

I split my pants.

I'll need to back up and explain something before this story makes complete sense. A few weeks ago, the company I work for moved into a new office. It's a big loft space with exposed bricks and hardwood floors and such. The upstairs area is, for some reason, divided into 3 large sections by 2 waist-high walls. And we've been told by the contractor and the property manager that if we were to cut openings into the walls for us to walk through, the whole building would collapse. No, really. We don't totally get how that's true, but whatever.

This means that if someone needs to talk to a coworker at his or her desk, and that coworker sits in a different section, one needs to clamber over a wall. As you can imagine, this leads to many awkward situations, especially if skirts, high heels, or an armful of papers is involved.

So now we get to last Friday night, and I needed to bring a presentation over to one of the creative directors. I threw one leg over the wall between us and then sort of did the splits until my foot landed on the other side, at which point I swung my other leg around. Then I threw my arms above my head in a V-shape, mimicking an Olympic gymnast. Impressive, I thought. Clearly I was getting good at this wall-jumping business.

After a brief chat with the aforementioned creative director, I walked back to the wall. Before leaping over, I got another coworker's attention. "Hey," I called out, "watch how fast I can do this!"

I threw the first leg over the wall, started to slide over, and then heard a strange noise. I paused mid-maneuver to figure out what had happened. I looked down and saw the inseam of my jeans had completely busted open from my knee to my crotch, allowing my fat thighs to come bulging out like a sausage with a torn casing. "Oh shit, I split my pants," I confessed loudly to anyone who was listening.

I knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. And in fact, that very morning as I put on this pair of jeans, I realized I'd absentmindedly put them in the dryer. They were always a bit tight on me, and when they went through the dryer they became the sort of jeans that flattened my ass into a pancake and cut off circulation at my knees. As I shoved myself into them, I noticed Devin was awake and watching me, and I felt compelled to say, "Whoops! Put these in the dryer and now they are way too tight," lest he think I believed these to be stylish and suitable pants.

Fortunately, and quite remarkably, the pants-splitting incident happened at the end of the work day and not first thing in the morning. So I was able to escape to my car and head home to mourn the loss of yet another good pair of jeans.

*I just wanted to add that the runner-up story that nearly got me blogging earlier involved my first ever encounter with a hearing-ear cat, which is like a seeing-eye dog, but opposite...I guess. I was in line at the bank and this man pulled a cat out of a cat carrier on wheels. He then held up an orange vest and, while the bank teller looked on, held the vest up to the cat, then pulled the vest away, then up to the cat, and then away. He then set the cat and the vest down and pointed to his ear, conveying, overall, that he was hearing impaired and that this cat was allowed to be in the bank with him because it was a licensed helper. I could not for the life of me make sense of this arrangement, particularly since the cat was in a crate.


Anonymous said...

hahaha! i hate when i put my jeans that fit just right through the dryer and they get too tight. it's hard enough to shop for jeans as it is, i don't need them splitting left and right.

hearing-ear cat? uh, i'm gonna call bullshit, but that's a great story too.

Aartee said...

LOL I hate when I accidently throw a pair of jeans into the dryer...as for the hearing-ear cat...ummm I have no words!

miss minneapolis said...

I hope your company got a REALLY good deal on this building rental. Also, I hope you don't end up REALLY wanting to hire someone who uses a wheelchair, because, well, that just won't work.

Also, I'm going to put a vest on Otis and take him everywhere with me as a "service dog".

surviving myself said...

I wish you had pics of that cat.

Also - "blogosphere."

And - good to have you back.

Anonymous said...

The place will collapse if they cut holes in waist-high walls? That seems... odd.

And welcome back.

Grace said...

I am henceforth blaming my pancake-shaped ass on too-tight jeans. I think it's actually the fault of my pancake-shaped ass, not the pants, but I'd prefer to pass the buck!

Hollywood Sucker said...

wekeepsaying- Yes, but then there is something about hanging my jeans to air dry that makes me feel like a total fatass.

aartee- I know, I want to see the hearing ear cat again to see if perhaps I misunderstood the situation.

miss minn- You're right about the wheelchair...and we also have lots of stairs. But we do have a handicap parking spot out front!

surviving- I wish I had pics of the cat too. If only it because it was so darn cute!

Peter- Okay, to be honest, there was an explanation about how and why the walls were holding everything together but I was only half listening when it was explained.

Grace- I'm sure it IS the jeans.

DinnerWithLove said...

YAY! I'm so glad you are back =)

Thanks for kicking off my weekend with a hearty laugh!