Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There's Something On Your Foot

I’ll never be one of those women who goes out and splurges on a pair of over the top, expensive shoes that she just HAS to have. I assure you, I have great taste in shoes, but at the same time, I operate with a hilariously limited shopping budget. I am aware of the brands Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, and Manolo Blahnik, but I’d venture to say I’ve never even seen a pair in person. I also had to google those names to make sure I spelled them correctly. That’s how removed I am from the world of fashionable shoes. I rock flops out of necessity (and partially out of love).

But with an upcoming wedding to foolishly spend a fortune on, I decided now’s as good a time as any to look for a pair of shoes out of my usual $25 price range (I know, it makes me sad that I’m like that). So I ventured online to try to find some sandals to wear with my wedding dress. I’d originally planned to wear white flip flops, but then the thought of them making that thwack thwack thwack sound as I walked down the aisle made me cringe.

Now, because I shop for shoes so infrequently, I often find myself overwhelmed at the hideousness of the latest trends. I’ve written about this before, and I’m about to do it again.

Can I just ask one of you fashion-forward and hip young readers about this?

An exploded leather eggplant engulfs your ankle, while the rest of your foot is held in place by a meager strap. And then your big toe is especially secured in its own little holster.

This shoe also piqued my curiosity for the same reasons:

Why would you want your heels and toes to be at such extremely different temperatures than your ankles? I could almost get behind the overall look of this black one, but then I picture wearing it to work one day and constantly shoving a pen down into it to pull it away from my foot and give my smothered ankle a breath of fresh air.

But before you go thinking I’m just worried about overly-constrained, over-heated feet, let me tell you that I also worry about shoes with no form whatsoever. Like this:

See that little barstool thing at the front? That and the 3 yards of rope at the ankle are supposed to keep your foot in this thing. I’m sorry, but I would never be able to make it down the block without stepping out of this shoe and having it drag behind me.

It’s a problem that would never happen with this foot cage:

Which looks like some kind of punishment or a cobbler’s mold to make boots.

And then there’s this leg brace, which prompted me to say “Oh my God” outloud at my screen.

You know, I don’t care how cool you are, you simply cannot get away with wearing this and I might be mad at you for even trying.

And I’ll leave you with this garden lattice turned foot entombment.

The trusty ol’ flop isn’t looking so bad now, is it?


Children of the Nineties said...

Those leg braces are pretty frightening. I can only begin to imagine the tan lines.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, those shoes are hideous...especially the eggplanty ones. Flip flops for the win!

Katelin said...

oh wow some of those shoes are ridiculous. i'm thinking about flip flops or flats for my wedding too and i bet it will be quite the interesting search too.

Big Red said...

You are not alone. My last three shoe purchases have bee n flip flops. I even bought a fancy pair to wear when I'm forced to dress up.

Anonymous said...

i only wear flip flops and flats. i own exactly 2 pairs of heels that have been collecting dust in the depths of my closet for the past year.

Aartee said...

yeah I adore my balet flats and it took me FOREVER to find just the right shoes for my wedding...Flip Flops are much better then that sandal with the barstool!!!

Hollywood Sucker said...

children- Well they seem like nighttime sandals...I guess?

hilly- WIN!

katelin- i heart the flops

big red- They are so cheap! LIke 2 for $ can you own anything but flip flops?

wekeepsaying- I never knew shoes could get covered in dust... but sure enough I have several dusty pairs in my closet.

aartee- Exactly. I'm a big fan of barstools, just not for my toes!

Amanda said...

while I live in flip flops, some of these sandals (and I won't say which ones for fear of public humiliation) are actually kind of cute. I see people wearing these types, and can totally pull them off. I, on the other hand, can not- hence the living in flip flops.

You know who said...

I wore something like this for my wedding and never looked back. They were comfy, and no one sees your shoes . . . plus with the long dress, and the music, no one will hear them, trust me!

You know who said...

and here's the entire link . . .