Monday, March 10, 2008

"A Poorly Outlined and Disconnected Post If There Ever Was One" or "Hideous Portraits, Handsome Pups, and Impending Obesity" or "A Weekend Wrap Up"

There will be many pictures and few words.

Part I, pUpdates: I've promised to get you some pictures of Seamus. Here he is, sitting with us outside.

As you can see, he has a bum eye. We're working on it. In fact, there are a few kinks we're still trying to work out. He is a bit growly and bitey with strangers, which is nerve-wracking and embarrassing. I think he was hit while he was in the bad house before he was rescued, because he reacts very poorly when someone sneaks up on him or touches the top of his head without letting him sniff them out first.

Also, he chewed up one of my flip flops as well as my glasses.

Part II, Drawings
On Friday, I left work and headed for Timmy Nolan's to meet my sister and our friend Kes. When I walked into the place, I spotted them at a table by the front window, completely cracking up about something. "What's so funny?"

My sister shows me this:

A picture of her, drawn on a coaster, by one of the two men sitting in the corner booth. Apparently they'd been drawing monstrous sketches of people from across the bar, writing "This is you" at the top of the illustration, and then handing it to the unsuspecting patron, who'd laugh and act in good spirits while also doubting their appearance.

I looked over in the artists' direction and saw two men hunched over, with charcoal, and markers, and coasters scattered all over their table. Periodically they would glance up at their targets. I think my sister was one of their favorite subjects, for there came a second drawing.

And then in an attempt to seek vengence, she started to sketch caricatures of the two artists. But before she could finish her art project, they drew one of her drawing them.

I had my back to the artists, and so I thought perhaps I'd be safe. Then again, I was curious to see their rendering of me as an ugly human. I was sure the second they put pen to paper, they'd find it impossible to capture me as anything less than stunning. Maybe the sketch they handed over would look like Jessica Rabbit or one of those ridiculously proportioned anime porn chicks with huge boobs, and long eyelashes and a heart-shaped mouth.

Instead, there was this:

Sort of like that comic book character Cathy, no? When the guy handed it over I was like, is this ME? And he, because he was apparently mute or something, points aimlessly over toward the bar. "Someone over there?" I ask and start looking for a fat woman with terrible hair...I didn't see one. "Wait, so this IS me?" I ask him again, but by now he'd moved on and was looking down at his next work-in-progress.

Part III, A new entry in my food journal.

Foods I Apparently Felt Were Absolutely Necessary To Shove Into My Fat Face This Weekend

I could go down the entire list here, and you'd be impressed to find that it includes 3 different varieties of corn chips, but I wanted to focus on my two main concerns- chocolate frosted mini donuts and tater tots. Who eats this shit?! Who?! The last time I recall eating either of these items in such gargantuan quantities was in 8th grade when both were available daily in the cafeteria.

You see, we were hosting a bbq on Saturday and so went to the grocery store that morning to buy supplies. The donuts were an impulse purchase, spotted in the bakery aisle when I was seeking hamburger and hot dog buns. I walked over to them and then back to the cart, and then over to them, and then back to the cart. And then stood halfway between them, shifting weight from foot to foot until I decided that I will buy them, eat a few, and leave the rest out with the lunch spread so that everyone else would finish them off. Instead, I think I ate approximately 20 of them over the course of the weekend. I'm not kidding.

The tater tots were Devin's idea. While at the grocery store we wound up in the bulk frozen foods aisle some how. And in one swift, fluid motion he spotted them in the freezer, made the decision we must have them, grabbed them and put them in the cart. We didn't even stop walking. And so we have about 10 pounds of tots. I ate them on 7 different occasions this weekend.

And so I may have gained 5 pounds of tot and donut, but I begin this Monday with high hopes to deflate a bit before my trip to Vegas this weekend (although, that place is full of fat tourists so I'll blend right in).

This is going to be a busy week for me at work, so apologies in advance if I don't have many updates.



JenBun said...

The puppy is adorable; wtf?! on the drawing; and mmmmm.

Good luck this week. And YAY Vegas! Or, um, YAYgus, of you will! (if you spell it right-- YAYgas-- it looks like you are celebrating flatulence. Therefore, it is spelled YAYgus, and pronounced the same.)

percillamaymarshmellow said...

Those artist jerks WERE really quiet! and odd! When I went over to them to investigate their little project, the cuter of the two said they do this all the time. And i'm like, oh, don't people get mad. He said yes, once a guy looked at the caricature this guy drew of him and he threw a glass at his head. haha. And I think Seamus means well, he just needs some guidance.

mindy said...

Seamus is so cute! I once fostered a dog who had been abused for FIVE YEARS. It took her a long time to come out of her shell and be somewhat normal. He'll get there!

Also, weird people live in Hollywood. Who draws pictures of strangers in bars? Actually, it would be a clever way to hit on someone...maybe without the monster approach, though.

surviving myself said...

there is nothing wrong with tots. In fact, if more people ate tots, the world would be a much nicer place.

Fatter, yes, but also nicer.

i know you're impressed with my new blogger profile. You love it! I knew it!

nicoleantoinette said...

Tater tots are amazing. As are most potatoes available in the freezer section. Hash browns? yes. Crinkle cut fries? yes.

Ah- Vegas! I'm going the first weekend in May and I'm already out of my mind excited.

Inono said...

Tater tot day at my office cafeteria is the only thing that keeps me from quitting my job.

I'm sorry I missed the BBQ, sounds like there was a lot of food I'd like!

Hollywood Sucker said...

jenbun- Yaygus is a good word mush! Nice!

percilla- I wish I thought to throw a glass at his head. Well, that would be too violent...maybe just a slice of sourdough.

mindy- I'll say thank you, on Seamus's behalf, for the compliment. And, yes, weird people do live in Hollywood... lots and lots of em. I think they were all sent here during some government secret project in the late 80s.

surviving myself- Your new profile is everything I ever wanted in a profile. I'm so happy for you.

nicole- great. now i want krinklers!

inono- that's hilarious. and a little bit sad.

cOm said...


we absolutely don't hang out enough.

i know, i know - "move to LA"...

anyway.. i dont know how those jerks turned your cute little face into cathy. i'd of kicked them in the man bits. well... at least in my mind.

J-Money said...

I love your puppy! If we combined your shy, bitey doggie with my "HELLO STRANGER PET MY FACE LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"-style dog, they would be the perfect blend.

Also, once I saw an episode of Dog Whisperer where he said that dogs with eye problems were especially snappy because 1) other dogs perceive them as weak and 2) because everything kind of seems to sneak up on them.

Yes, I just left an insanely long comment quoting the Dog Whisperer. This is why I sleep alone.

Julie_Gong said...

I heart mini frosted donuts so hard. They are delicious and awful at the same time. A winning combination in my book!

Hollywood Sucker said...

cOm- I'm glad to see we're on the same page. Yes, you should move to LA. Yes, my face is cute.

J-money- That is a genius comment! That totally makes sense and I must tell Devin at once. I heart you.

julie gong- Every time I have to come back to this post to respond to comments, I have to see the mini donut picture again...oh my god I want them soooo bad right now.

Peter said...

he reacts very poorly when someone sneaks up on him or touches the top of his head without letting him sniff them out first."

Me too!

Your puppy's eye kind of reminds me of Big Black. (In a good way!)

Your sister looks hot.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I have a great recipe for tater tot casserole. if you want it, email me. It's sinfully trashy and delicious. Like US weekly.