Thursday, May 22, 2008

American Idol Is Not Fake TV. And I Mean That Literally.

Last night my sister was at our apartment and requested that we watch the finale of American Idol. Or, at least flip over to Fox during the commercial breaks of whatever else we were watching. Or, at the very very least, watch the end when they announce the winner.

"Fiiiiine," I sighed, because I am clearly too good for American Idol mania. "What is it, like a half hour?"
"No, it's two hours."
"Two!? Two hours! What do they do for two hours?"

And so we checked in with Idol, and the two Davids as finalists, and then switched the channel for a second to Keith Olbermann (Devin's favorite thing ever). And then back to Idol for just a second, but it was on commercial, so then we got caught up in some special about Sasquatch (Devin's other favorite thing ever).

But then Devin left to go to our neighbor's apartment to watch the Laker game and so I kept it on Idol. And in a matter of seconds I was sucked in. "Oooooh Seal is performing. I love him!" "Who's that fat girl with the dumb hair?" "Oh I like that guy, why did he get voted off?"

"Yay a medley of George Michael songs!" Commence dancing and singing. "I will be your father figure put your tiny hand in mine. I will be your preacher teacher, anything you had in mind."

I really can not believe how much I was in love with this show. Maybe when the next season starts up in a week or whenever, I'll watch it from the beginning.

American Idol: Not just for idiots and senior citizens.

And speaking of idiots and senior citizens, yesterday my friend sent me the link to a website called What is FakeTV, you wonder? Well the website provides you with this visual aid.

What more can I say? This stupid FakeTV looks like a real TV is on in your home. As the website goes on to explain:

"Most televisions turn on with push buttons and do not work with timers. Burglars know this, making FakeTV very effective!"

So you see, more than any alarm system or hidden safe, FakeTV will protect your home and valuables from burglars who are afraid of operating television sets.

You may think you have all of the information you need to understand how this little gem works. You plug it in, it turns on at night while you're out, it looks like a TV is on and so robbers think you're home.

But FakeTV is certain that you can't quite grasp the concept of their product, so they offer a More Info page. I feel that anyone who needs to read something titled "More on FakeTV" might also be the sort of person who requires a "More on Sandwiches" page.

On this page, they go on to assure you that FakeTV is "New Realism in Occupancy Simulation." They also explain how to use a FakeTV.

"Place FakeTV where it will light up a room, but you cannot see the FakeTV unit itself. A second floor room is ideal, but a first floor room with translucent shades or blinds works fine, too. Then, each evening at dusk FakeTV's built-in light sensor will turn the unit on."

And then they offer a video of FakeTV in action. Then they explain why even this video is too inferior to clearly demonstrate FakeTV.

"This gives you an idea of what the FakeTV itself looks like, but not really the effect. To see that, you want to look at the room that FakeTV is illuminating. To know what that looks like, just turn on your television in a dark room, and look at the wall opposite the TV.

For this clip, we chose a short time when the FakeTV unit happened to be very active. Other times, and just like a real television, FakeTV is relatively static. We allowed no telltale signs that would permit a prowler to tell whether or not this was the real thing, even if he was looking for it."

So trust the City of Sugarland, Texas, you need to get yourself a FakeTV.


dv said...

Make sure you look surprised on your birthday.

surviving myself said...

Bigfoot is pretty awesome, Devin is on to something there.

JenBun said...

Or, um, you could just leave the REAL TV on... when it's light out, the "bad guys" can't see the light from the TV anyway... and then, when it gets dark, the light from the TV will appear (like magic!) and it will flicker and glow and, you know, do everything that the Fake TV does, except more real and shit.

Obviously, I work for Fake TV.

Katelin said...

i haven't been into idol in a while, but it is pretty addictive once you start watching, i totally agree.

Felix for Zosia said...

um... I am a bit confused. What is Fake TV and how exactly does it work? I think I need some more information.

Anonymous said...

I heart Idol. As a matter of fact, I've hearted it from the beginning. Maybe we can do an Idol Girls' Night, instead of Poker Girls' Night for the next Idol season. It's Kristen, btw... big surprise.

mindy said...

Why do they have to say it like this: "New Realism in Occupancy Simulation"? That is so much more confusing than "FAKETV". Idiots.

Also, your boyfriend sounds....interesting.

raych said...

..better yet, why not plug a strobelight and a radio into a timer and make it look like ur throwin a party?...kinda like that kid did in Home Alone, but on a much smaller scale

Tia said...

welcome to the dark side. (of american idol, not faketv.)

Hollywood Sucker said...

dv- I'd rather have a RealTV.

surviving- Great. Maybe you two can hang out.

jenbun- I don't think anyone works for FakeTV. I think it's just one guy with a house full of FakeTVs, just praying someone buys one so his wife won't leave him.

katelin- It's ok, I'll just get addicted next year.

felix- You're fired.

kristen- I like that you are anonymous. You must feel like a spy.

mindy- Funny enough, I almost majored in New Realism in Occupancy Simulation.

raych- I thought of that! Then you need to attach a life size cut out of Michael Jordan to a choo choo train and move him through the room. Rocking around the Christmas Tree!

tia- FakeTV has no dark side. It lights up. Didn't you read the More Info page? Gosh!

Felicia said...

I hate to break it to you, but you might as well just skip the actual season of Idol and watch the finale. That shit is boring, although I'm still stupid enough to force myself to watch it beginning to end.

FakeTV Mfr said...

You still need good locks, and a light on a timer remains a good idea. Stop the paper and mail when you are out of town, and get to know your neighbors - that gives you the extra benefit of a more-connected life. That said, the light from an operating television looks "alive", really conveys the impression that someone must be watching it.

But, if you think FakeTV (or a light on a timer) is a really, really, stupid idea, well, we more cautious types need someone to redirect the burglars to.