Thrill The World - Happy Halloween!

Frankenspecs

Just over a year ago, I got prescription glasses. For years, I hadn't been able to see distant objects very well, and over time I also had trouble reading street signs or words on the TV.

I spent $500 on my new glasses. That's a good chunk of money that I'd normally never drop on one single item, except for maybe a plane ticket. MAYBE.

But I figured these specs would last me for years, so I may as well splurge on designer frames. And, while I was at it, get the best "glare free" fancy pants lenses too.

For a few months, life was grand with my new glasses. People said they made me look hip. And cute. And I, in turn, felt hip and cute.

Then we got Seamus the puppy who promptly found my glasses and chewed on them. The left arm (stem? stick? what is that called?) came off and he left little tooth marks on the lenses.

Angry, I ignored Seamus for a few hours. He didn't seem to notice. How does one teach a dog not to chew glasses? It's probably easier to teach a human not to leave her glasses on the coffee table.

I threw my mangled glasses into a drawer, figuring I'd get the arm re-attached...eventually. After all, I'd spent years squinting to read the menu at Starbucks, I could certainly handle it again.

I handled it for, oh, 6 months.

I know, I am a horrible procrastinator.

Finally, after nearly turning the wrong way down a one-way street, I decided it was time to get my glasses repaired. So on my lunch break one day last week, I drove them to Lenscrafters, where I'd purchased them in the first place.

"My dog ate my glasses," I announced to the woman at the front desk. God, I'm so adorable.
"Oh dear. Well let's see."

I opened the case to produce the chewed frame and the detached arm. For effect, I separated the two pieces by a few inches when I set them on the counter.

"Now, we can't fix those here, but..." What? Why not? Are you not a maker of glasses? Do you not have tools? "Here is the business card of Joe Roberts Optical. It's on Magnolia. He should be able to solder that back on."

Hrrmph.

So I drove to the block of Magnolia where I thought I'd find this store. I parked my car and then walked up and down the street, but I didn't see it anywhere.

Finally, I spotted what looked like the door to a small storefront, but was actually more of an open archway that led to a secret courtyard filled with many blue doors. There were all sorts of businesses hiding back here. Accountants and talent agents and chiropractors. And it looked as though nothing had changed since the 60s --faded signs, cracked paint. It was eerily silent. No one else was walking around. I felt as though I'd stumbled upon a hidden time portal. (That last statement gives you some indication of how desperate I am for a little adventure in my life.)

I found Joe Roberts Optical at the end of one of the corridors. I opened its blue door and walked into a teeny tiny room with two chairs and a torn leather couch. The walls were covered by wood paneling and signed headshots of old actors, presumably Mr. Roberts' patrons.

No one was in the room to greet me. To my left there was a doorway into a small office with a desk and 2 chairs. And behind that, another doorway leading to a back room. What a weirdly deep space.

I stood there silently, looking at the headshots in the front room. George Burns! Huh.

"Hello?" I heard a man's voice from the back room.
"...Hi"
"Come in, sit down."

I presumed he meant for me to enter the room with the desk, so I did just that. At the same time, an old man came through the doorway to the back room. He struggled to walk, and used the handle of the open door to support himself. It made me sad.

We met on opposite sides of the desk in the center of the room. He was completely adorable.

"My dog ate my glasses."
"Let's see."

Just as I'd done at Lenscrafters, I dumped my mangled glasses onto the desk. He picked up the pieces and examined them. "Well, I can't solder this."

Crap. I imagined this meant the frames were now totally useless and I'd have to drop $500 on a new pair.

"You see, if you solder it, it will melt this plastic. But I can try to dig up another one of these (he held up the detached arm) and attach that instead."
"You mean find some random piece and attach it."
"Yes. If I can match the color close enough."
"Oh...uh...sure."

So I left my glasses there for him to fix. And by fix, I mean attach some foreign arm that came from who knows where, thereby negating the entire point of designer frames.

A few days passed and I called to check up on my glasses.

"Are they ready?"
"I think so."
"Ok...can I come get them?"
"Yes."
"How much will it be?"
"Twenty dollars." Score! Suddenly I didn't care what my glasses looked like. I'll put up with a lot for a good bargain.

I made my way back to his store and he greeted me. His shakey hand held out my glasses.

"Here. Try them on."

I wanted to look at the new arm a little better, but didn't want to give the impression that I cared about it. So I put the glasses on.

When I did, he smiled. "Good as new."

And so now I have these glasses with two different arms. The new one is tortoiseshell, whereas the original is solid brown. And the new one has this little metal diamond on it instead of "Ralph Lauren." And also the new one is sort of sticky, like it had been wrapped in tape.

But that's okay. Because I like Joe and his tiny store in the time portal.

Also, it's physically impossible for anyone to see both sides of my head at once. So no one will ever know about my Frankenspecs.

There's Something On Your Lawn

I've grown to really enjoy my morning walks with Seamus the dog. Yes, it means getting up earlier than usual, walking aimlessly through the neighborhood and picking up poop. But it's also a chance to enjoy the day when the air is cool and the sunlight in bright yet gentle. There are few other people milling around, just those unfortunate folks who have to head into work earlier than I do and some other dog owners (who always stop to remark just how handsome Seamus is).

During these walks, Seamus is oh so happy just to be alive and starting his day, and watching him makes me feel the same way.

But lately there have been some odd sites in our neighborhood that make it a little difficult to feel jolly and energized. Now, our particular block is all apartment buildings, but as you head further into the neighborhood the streets are lined with neat little one story houses. As Seamus and I walk passed them, I admire the well-kept lawns, Spanish tile roofs and cactus gardens by their front porches.

And now that it's nearing Halloween, there's something else for me to look at: A shit ton of heinous stuff on their fronts lawns.

This morning, I brought my cellphone with me to take pictures to share this all with you.

First, there is a house just a block away from us that has their whole front lawn covered in tombstones and zombies that look like they are crawling out from the ground.

They also have a monument to the death penalty.



I'm not sure why, but skeletons have always made me uncomfortable, ever since I was little. And I don't appreciate how close this one is to the sidewalk. I find I keep crossing to the other side of the street to avoid it.

And see that hanging man in the background? Is that legal? Doesn't it seem like it would be illegal to have a life size dummy hanging from a real noose on your front lawn?

This house also had some small spooky little touches around the side of the house. Like these impaled skulls in the rose garden.



I've also noticed that those gossamer spider webs are a popular choice for decorations. You know the kind I mean? It's like a loose wad of cotton that comes in a big package for like 75 cents.

Anyway, this one house LOVES fake spider webs. And, apparently, they also love caution tape.



I think at some point people just started associating this fake stuff with general creepiness and forgot that it's supposed to represent a spider's web. No spider or group of spiders could possibly ever generate this much web.

Except, of course, for this spider:


One block over, a house is entangled in a spider web. As some of you may recall, I'm not a fan of spiders, and this sort of made me uneasy. I also don't like the two evil people standing on the roof.

And now that I've given you a little tour around some of my favorite displays, I'd like to show you the piece de resistance. A whole lawn chock full of batshit crazy. I really have to applaud these people.



See, some how these folks obtained the shell of an airplane and made a zombie pilot. They also made a scarecrow and carved a jack o lantern head. Look closely and you'll see the scarecrow is holding a rope, which is tied around the neck of a wheelchair bound person with a bag over his head. Behind that, you'll see a mirror. "Redrum" is written on it in red paint (Or maybe actual blood. I wouldn't put it passed them.) There is a whole movie theme worked into this display. And that mirror represents, of course, The Shining.

But wait, there's more! There is so much shit going on here that I needed to take several pictures.

Here is the representation of Se7en. That sign reads "What's in the box?"




You can't ask me "What's in the box?" and then put a box in front of me. I stood at this stupid thing for entirely too long, resisting the urge to open the box. I know...I KNOW these people put something in there, but I'm too terrified to see what it is.

Then there is a bathtub with Psycho written across it and a dead woman.




Seamus smelled this part of the display for a good while. He was all, "You look like a person, but you smell like old plastic. And you're weird."

This next part of their display has nothing to do with the movies, but it's disgusting.



And then there's this baby in a basket, with a sign that reads "Don't abandon your baby." Ah, maybe a nice bit of social responsibility?




But then what's with the other sign, "Don't abandon your human" with some sort of wolf thing eating a baby? A dingo! A dingo ate this baby!

At one point, the owners of this house must have gotten a little too creative, and they began inventing other movies, such as Attack of the Polygamous Pimp Penguins From The Projects of Pittsburgh PA.



Are you allowed to leave rifles on your front lawn?

And yes, in the background that is a hearse. The hearse first appeared a few weeks before this Halloween clusterfuck came into existence. I saw it parked on the street near their house, thought "Who has an effing hearse?" and then poof, it was on their lawn.

And yes, it's driven by a maniacal bunny rabbit.



When I saw this small detail I was actually startled. I felt a little flip in my stomach.

So my hats off to these particular neighbors. You've really come up with something here. I have never seen anything like this in my whole life. And I hope I never see anything else like it again.

Engagement Pictures

I have no talents. Really. But I do have a lot of talented friends. Maybe you could say my talent is making friends who are talented.

And my talented friends are also very helpful. One such person is Kesila, who offered to take engagement pictures of Devin and me. I'm not quite sure what one does with engagement pictures, but I never turn down free offers of anything, so we gratefully accepted hers.

We met on Saturday to take the pictures. I knew things wouldn't go well because, as I mentioned before, I'm not photogenic. And Devin won't sit still for 5 seconds and also has a problem with seriousness. We were somewhat doomed from the start.

However, SOME of the pictures turned out well. Here is what we have so far. Keep in mind these aren't touched up yet.

A good one, though I might look a bit evil:



**

Not sure why we decided to act this way, but it's certainly easier to goof off than act like terribly serious and important engaged people:



**

I like this one because it seems like a picture taken by someone who was spying on us, hiding behind something:



**

A big smooch. Sadly we are facing the camera the wrong way and missed a good opportunity to show off my engagement ring bling. But I like this ring too. It's also from Devin:




And then we cut the session short due to the camera's fussiness with lighting, so we still have some more smiling and cuddling to do in a future session.

Foods I Apparently Felt Were Absolutely Necessary To Shove Into My Fat Face Today - The Fried Sandwiches Edition

Oh hi there. It's been a while since I did one of these. And it's the perfect time because in the past 7 days I've had 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and 2 tuna melts. That's right, 4 sandwiches that are made by slathering butter on the outside of the bread, then frying it. 4 sandwiches filled with cheese, 2 of which are also made up of 90% mayonnaise.

It began over the weekend, when Devin and I were at a wedding near Buffalo, NY. We were staying at Beaver Hollow (hehe), a resort in the middle of the woods. There was no cell phone service and no sign of civilization, except for Smokey's Bar and Grill, located about a mile up the road. We went there after we arrived at Beaver Hollow on Friday and I was starving. As we pulled our rental car into Smokey's gravel parking lot, I noticed no other cars parked out front and wondered if perhaps the establishment was closed. But when we went inside, I was surprised to find it quite full of patrons. How had they gotten here? Had they just emerged from the woods? By the looks of them, probably.

The menu featured a great many re-workings of two key food stuffs - ground beef and breaded chicken fingers. The only thing I saw on the menu that I could eat: grilled cheese.

To my delight, the grilled cheese sandwich totally ruled. The bread was crisp and yellow, having apparently soaked overnight in a tub of melted butter. The cheese was of the unfortunately delicious, processed variety. Bright orange, like a traffic cone.

That night, after the rehearsal dinner, everyone gathered around a bonfire and drank. We woke up at noon the next day, missing breakfast by several hours. The kitchen at Beaver Hollow doesn't stay open all day, and so we knew we'd need to go back to Smokey's. This time we brought some new friends we'd made --wedding guests on the groom's side who were in need of some good greasy food.

Surprisingly, the menu hadn't changed on my second visit to Smokey's. And so again, I ordered the grilled cheese. It was just as delicious. But I was beginning to worry I'd gone too far.

Cut to yesterday. Lunch time. I go out with two friends to a little diner. Before I even get there, I know I want the tuna melt.

And so I order just that, and I eat it. ALL OF IT.

WITH FRENCH FRIES.

This morning, when I got dressed, I could barely fit my fat mass into my jeans. And even after I managed to zip them shut, I found it hard to walk or sit.

Today, I told Devin to meet me for lunch at the same diner. Without even meditating on it, my fat self was demanding another tuna melt. Must...have...butter crusted bread...melted cheese...

Let me also interject that I started my morning off with a mocha latte with WHIPPED CREAM.

When Devin and I sat down at the restaurant, I confessed my dilemma. "I want a tuna melt. But I can't. I CAN'T."

"Oh, just get it," he responded.

"Okay. Good point."

And so with that I came to consume my 4th fried sandwich of the week.

I am banning them from my diet until my jeans fit comfortably again.

3 Items to Discuss On This Wednesday

Item 1: Subway

I was just at Subway picking up some lunch and I noticed something that I've noticed before. When you ask for cheese, you get 2 measly triangles that are so thin they are nearly translucent. When you ask for tomatoes on your sub, you get 3 slices the size of nickels.

But when you ask for banana peppers, your whole sub becomes 80% banana peppers. The sandwich-maker sticks both hands into the banana pepper tub, scoops out giant mountains of peppers, and mashes them onto the sub. Peppers are falling off the top of the heap, but the sandwich-maker gathers them up and places them back on top. They add the top half of the roll, then cram more banana peppers into the crevices on both sides of the sub. "Would you like some extra banana peppers in a little cup on the side? In case you need more?"

I've noticed this also happens if you request jalapeños or dill pickles. Those little items that are only meant to add a touch of flavor.

Why?

Item 2: Excess of Target clothing

While I was waiting in line to pay for my banana pepper sub, I looked down and admired my shoes. "You'd never guess they were from Target," I thought to myself. Then I noticed my pants are from Target. And so is my shirt. Indeed, Target clothes are to my closet as banana peppers are to my sub.

I didn't want it to be this way. I know I am thrifty. And poor. And that I hate spending a lot of money on clothes because I always end up spilling soy sauce or red wine all over them. But still...a whole outfit from Target?

Item 3: The dent in my car

Once I left Subway, I got in my car to drive back to work. As I drove through the parking lot, I slowed down to go over the speed bumps. It was at one of these speed bumps that a man in a truck going the opposite direction waved his hand to get my attention. I nearly ignored him, but then noticed he was looking at the side of my car. Right away, I knew what he was trying to tell me. I rolled down my window to see if my hunch was right.

"I can fix that scratch on the side for ya," he offered.
"Oh...um..."
"I work at a dealership, but I will do it on the side. I'll fix the paint, pop out those dents."

You see, I got my car brand new 2 years ago. When I drove it off the lot it had 24 miles on it.

I bought the car to replace Misty, my previous car, who was killed in an accident. Misty also had a giant scratch along her side, resulting from a parking garage with tight corners and a big cement pole near my assigned space. I'd done this damage about 3 days after moving into my first apartment in LA.

When I drove Misty around, I'd often get stopped by car repair people --when she was parked at the 7/11, when I'd pick her up at valet --who would offer to fix the damage. "How dare they!" I thought. "How do they know I don't like my car all scratched up. And...and who are they to butt in and point out her flaws?"

Still, when I brought my brand spankin' new car, I was happy to drive something around that wasn't all scratched up.

This lasted for about 2 months. Until I pulled into my parking space and scratched the whole side of it. Same situation, different parking space. Go me!

And so when this guy in the Subway parking lot pointed out my unsightly dent, I tried to pretend there was no dent.

"It's fine! I hardly notice it!"

He had a little kid in the passenger seat. I could see him pearing from behind his dad's shoulder. Judging me. I pictured them later driving off, the father saying to his boy, "Now when you grow up, you have to take good care of your things. Or you'll be like that lady with the banged up car."

The man was persistent.

"Won't take me long. I'll charge you $170."

Cars were backing up behind both of us. The kid was squirming around in the passenger seat. I was holding him up from his Subway lunch.

I sighed. "Fine. I'll think about it."
"Great. I'm Peter. Just ask for me at the Ford dealership up the road."

I know already I'll never go get the dent repaired. But I'm getting a step closer. And I know that years from now, when I scratch up my next car, I'll be sure to get it fixed immediately.

These Kids and Their MTV

We're throwing a Halloween party. It's our third one and I'm pleased Halloween is finally landing on a weekend.

Because I'm excited, and because I haven't had much to do at work lately, and because the last episode of The Hills was boring and I don't have much to say about it on Hollywood Sucker, I've spent the day planning for the party.

After sending out the invitations (not using evite...I can't stand evite any more) and ordering decorations (streamers! and paper bats!), I decided to make a playlist.

Obviously I don't have my itunes library here with me at work, so I figured I would think of some new songs I can download.

It took me all of 20 seconds to realize I couldn't name one new song ---and certainly nothing anyone would want to hear at a party. I don't have much of a drive to work in the mornings, so I don't really listen to the radio in my car. And I don't get out much, so I'm not really around DJs at clubs.

So I found myself on MTV.com, watching 25 music videos I'd never seen --mostly by artists I'd never heard of --jotting down songs I liked.

I don't have a point to this story, other than to remark on how old and out of touch that made me feel.

And while I'm (sort of) on the topic of my Halloween party --can anyone tell me what to be for Halloween? I have no ideas.

My top 3 options so far:

1. A martini (but I was a margarita last year and I don't want to be stuck in a rut)

2. A fairy (but there isn't anything funny or clever about this...I just like wings...)

3. A sweatsuit

Please help.

Good News For Booze Enthusiasts

From the gmail labs: Mail Goggles. This application for your gmail aims to prevent you from sending drunk emails. The feature activates late at night, and forces you to complete a series of math problems before allowing you to send your alcohol-fueled, poorly typed and over emotional email to your ex, your long lost friend, your crush.

For more information, read here.

I was going to write something like "Why didn't they have this when I was still single?" But then I realized gmail didn't exist then either. And that I've actually never sent a drunk email. (Usually I prefer to embarrass myself in person.)

But anyway, I'm ever impressed by new technology. I want an application like this for iTunes. Something needs to stop me from getting drunk and downloading songs just because I liked them in 8th grade (See: Nada Surf's "Popular") or because I heard it on the radio earlier in the week and desperately needed to hear it again (See: Snoop Dogg "My Medicine").

The Hills Recap: Star-Crossed Lovers

Last week, Heidi's mom came to town to check in on her little blonde angels and see how they were fairing in the big city and with the Big Shitty (Spencer). Her visit brought her to tears as Spencer acted like an asshole and Heidi, quite frustratingly, defended him. "He's not that bad. He's just ruining our lives. And yes, Mom, he has a real job. He's a producer. It's super important."



After witnessing this family drama, big sister Holly decided to launch her plan to reunite Heidi and Lauren, thereby saving the pair and securing her role on The Hills. It's time to put an end to Speidi and move forward with Laurdi. (I don't know yet if it's pronounced Lordy or Lardy. I prefer the latter.)



STEP ONE: HANG OUT WITH LAUREN ON A SEMI-REGULAR BASIS

We join Lauren and Lo in their kitchen.

Lo: Morning, shmoopie!
Lauren: Hey. How's it going?



Lo: Great! I like your new headband. It's like you have a banana on your head.
Lauren: Thanks...what's wrong with your mouth?
Lo: What ever do you mean?
Lauren: It's all red and irritated.
Lo: Oh, right. I was just practicing kissing with the bathroom mirror again. I think Conchita is using some weird new glass cleaner that I'm allergic to. Remind me to leave her a note.



Lauren: Will do. Hey, are you busy later? Holly invited me out for drinks.
Lo: Holly? Again?
Lauren: Is that bad?

And then Lo says something that really confuses me. "Drinks are harmless." Ah, yes, isn't that what everyone's always saying about drinks? How harmless they are. How they never lead to inappropriate behavior, regrettable hookups, accidental divulgence of secret information, unimpressive dance moves, and Sundays wasted hugging a bottle of gatorade and watching Julia Roberts movies on TNT.

Drinks are harmless. Harmless, I tell you!

STEP TWO: RUB IT IN HEIDI'S FACE

Heidi and Holly meet up for a nice lunch.



Heidi: (perusing menu) Hmmm. What looks good? Ooo heirloom tomato sal--
Holly: I'm hanging out with Lauren.
Heidi: That's...nice.
Holly: Yeah she is so fun! Don't you think so?
Heidi: If memory serves...
Holly: Yeah we went to breakfast the other day and now we're going to S Bar. I haven't been yet.
Heidi: Why are you telling me all this?



Holly: What? Are you jealous?
Heidi: Yes.
Holly: Excellent...

Meanwhile, Audrina is blissfully unaware of the Laurdi activities. She is out on a date with Colin, a man who is intentionally the opposite of Justin/Bobby.



He is conversational, clean, and lacks that certain horrible something that just makes you want to sleep with him despite your better judgment. (You know what I mean, right? No? Just me. Ok then.)

Colin: I'm really glad you came out with me tonight.
Audrina: Well thanks for asking me out, Justin.
Colin: It's Colin.
Audrina: What is?
Colin: Me. I'm Colin.
Audrina: Duh... Have you had too much to drink or something? You're acting weird.




Colin: No. And even if I did, I'm not a weird drunk. I'm a happy drunk.
Audrina: Justin's a mean drunk. We fight every time. He just gets so bossy. And full of himself. And he starts ordering me around...and it's just so...hot.
Colin: Um.
Audrina: Justin has a shirt just like the one you're wearing. His has a big barbecue sauce stain on the front though.
Colin: Look, I don't know who this Justin character is, but I've had just about enough of him.



Audrina: Oh, Colin, I like when you get angry.

Meanwhile, in another fancy place in Hollywood, Holly is working her plan.

STEP THREE: DO A SOLID HEIDI IMPRESSION AND HOPE FOR THE BEST

Holly meets Lo and Lauren, who all but burst into tears at the sight of her. And no, not because her hair's so tall, but because she allegedly reminds them so much of Heidi.

Lo: It's uncanny.
Lauren: You're just like her.
Holly: Um...really?



Lauren: Yes. Like twins.
Holly: Hum. That's interesting. You know, these are my real boobs. And everything on my face...it's real.
Lo: That's exactly what Heidi would say.



Lauren: Adorable.
Holly: Ok. So I take it you miss her?
Lauren: Yes.
Lo: Totally.

Holly pulls out a tiny notepad.

Holly: How much would you say you miss Heidi on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "Heidi who?" and 10 being "She completes me"?



Lauren: I'd say about a 7.
Holly: Hmmph.

Holly writes something, then closes her notepad, shoves it back into her purse, and lifts up her drink.



Holly: Well. Cheers!
Lo: Yay I love this part! Cheers!

STEP FOUR: RECONCILIATORY CORRESPONDENCE

Holly really timed this out perfectly. She had Heidi write a good old fashioned love letter to Lauren, and then sent it out so that Lauren would get it the morning after Step 3 was put into action.

Lauren brings the note with her to work to get Whitney's opinion on it. Oh yeah, Whitney's on this show. I forgot.

Whitney: What's this?
Lauren: A letter from Heidi.
Whitney: Oh wow. That's crazy. Can I read it?
Lauren: Of course.



Whitney: Dear Lauren. I've been thinkingk about you and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everythingk I did. You're a good friend. I like butterflies, do you like them too? My favorite color is purple. I have a cat named Binxworth. Your friend, Heidi.
Lauren: What should I do?
Whitney: I don't know.
Lauren: Then why are you even in this episode?



Across town and still totally unaware of all things Laurdi, Audrina goes on date #2 with Whats-His-Face.



Colin: How was work?
Audrina: Good. I was tired though. Justin called and I was up all night talking to him.
Colin: Outstanding.



It doesn't take long for Colin to realize that Audrina's too caught up in her old flame to give him a fair chance. He probably should've realized this on the first date, but we can't all be geniuses.

And speaking of geniuses, mastermind Holly is still working feverishly to reunite Lauren and Heidi. She drops by Lauren's house to carry out step 5.

STEP FIVE: ENSURE RECONCILIATORY CORRESPONDENCE WAS RECEIVED, UNDERSTOOD



Lauren: Hey new bestie, what's up?
Holly: Just dropping by for a little chat. Get any interesting mail lately?
Lauren: Oddly enough, yes. I got a letter from Heidi.
Holly: You don't say...
Lauren: She said she was sorry. She wants to be friends again.
Holly: And what do you have to say in response?
Lauren: I mean, I want to move on, but--
Holly: Wait! Don't say anything yet. I need to get my notepad.
Lauren: OK...

Holly rummages around in giant purse. Produces her notepad.

Holly: Ready.
Lauren: It's just that I want to punch Spencer in his stupid face. And as long as she's with him, I can't be around her.
Holly: This makes so much sense. I --I can't believe I didn't see this before...
Lauren: Why does she even need to be with him anyway?



Holly: Well some people prefer to be with someone horrid than to be alone.
Lauren: Ha! That's crazy! I'm alone and it's...pssh...awesome. I get to hang out with my friends in my kitchen. I get to go on dates with guys I went to high school with. It rules...
Holly: Yyyyeah. And how certain are you that you'll be friends with Heidi if she ditches Spencer?




Lauren: Very.
Holly: Aaaand if you were to rank that on, say, a scale of 1 to 10?
Lauren: 8.
Holly: Nice. Well I'll just be heading home now.
Lauren: Aren't you gonna stay for dinner?

The next day, Lauren and Audrina convene in their backyard to sunbathe.

Audrina: Hey hey. What's new?
Lauren: I think Holly is plotting to make me be friends with Heidi again.



Audrina: Wow, really? Since when.
Lauren: She started a few days ago. I don't think she knows how obvious she's being.
Audrina: And I missed all of this? Where I have been?
Lauren: Good question. Where have you been?
Audrina: I went on a few dates with some guy. Carl or Gavin or something like that. He was a bartender. Or maybe he built custom coffee tables?



Lauren: Sounds like it's not going so well.
Audrina: I broke it off with him. I just can't stop thinking about Justin. And the way his hair smells.
Lauren: Kinda like tree sap?
Audrina: And cigars. Yeah.
Lauren: So this Carl/Gavin guy? Is he cute? Is he my type?



Audrina: You're kidding, right?
Lauren: Ha! What? Yes! Of course...

STEP SIX: GET HEIDI AWAY FROM SPENCER FOR THREE FREAKING SECONDS AND TELL HER WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO


Holly: I talked to Lauren again.
Heidi: Good for you.
Holly: No, I mean. I've been doing some detective work and--
Heidi: Nerd.
Holly: Do you want to be friends with her again or not?
Heidi: (sigh) Ok, what's the deal?



Holly: On a scale of 1 to 10 she is just 2 points away from being your friend.
Heidi: Beg your pardon?
Holly: You're so close. All you have to do now is...

Holly trails off, looking at something behind Heidi.


It's Spencer! (Cue sinister cartoon music.)

Spencer: Why are we discussing Lauren? I gave you a list of acceptable discussion topics when you arrived at this apartment, Holly.
Holly: I know, but I have nothing left to say about the jelly fish tank, Les Deux, Batman, or "tight" brunch spots.
Heidi: Spencer, we were just talking about my attempt to fix my friendship with Lauren.
Spencer: Well that ain't gonna happen, not in a million ye--
Holly: Spencer is the reason it won't work! There I said it.
Heidi: That's not true!
Holly: Yes it is! Studies show!
Heidi: Really?

Heidi is quiet for a moment. She looks as though she is about to make an important decision. And then--

Spencer: Forget it, babetard. You're mind.

STEP SEVEN: AW, NUTS.

October

On Saturday, I woke up early, eager to tackle a number of household chores before setting off to meet Shannon for lunch and then to (eek!) go to my dentist appointment. As I walked from my bedroom to the living room, I was overcome by the irresistible urge to nestle into the couch and bury myself under a blanket.

The living room also seemed darker than usual. And the floor felt cold on my bare feet.

"Wait a second..." I narrowed my eyes and made my way over to the front door. I flung it open, took a few steps outside, and a cold breeze hit my face. The sky was overcast. The air was chilly.

For the first time since March, we were getting a solid dose of perfect cozy snuggle weather.

Sadly, I had miles to go before I snugged. So I got dressed for the day ahead, but allowed myself one early-autumn indulgence: the wool scarf.

Ah, I love a good scarf. They make any outfit look infinitely cuter and more stylish. And in southern California, where it never gets too cold, scarves are the perfect way to get dressed up for wintry warmth, while still wearing a light jacket and ballet flats.

As I drove to Beverly Hills to meet my friend for lunch, I was admittedly a bit too toasty in my wool scarf. And it started to itch. But I refused to take it off. So, at red lights, I squirmed. And panted a little. And put my window down to get some fresh air on my flushed face.

It sounds stupid that I was putting myself through this for a stupid scarf, but you don't understand. It's been so effing hot for months! And I grew up in a very cold and cloudy land far far away from here. I am not used to such heat. I need scarves! And gloves! And adorable winter hats!

By the time I'd finished lunch and, later, the worst dentist appointment in history (this just in: my teeth are rotting out of my face), I hadn't had enough of the cool temps. So, still numbed up and fussy from the drilling and cleaning, I wandered around the streets of Beverly Hills, window shopping. Finally, at 5pm, I realized the shoppers and tourists were all going home, and so I walked back to my car and made the drive home as well.

Today it is 84 degrees and sunny. Oh well...

Attention fellow Californians!