Tuesday, January 8, 2008


Dear MySpace Friends,

If you've had a baby in the past year, I can pretty much guarantee I've visited your page on like a weekly basis. If you have one of those myspace trackers that tells you who's been peaking at your page --and, yes, some of them work!--then you've probably seen my name come up more frequently than your best friend's and thought to yourself, "ew!" But let me assure you that I'm not actually that interested in you or your bebeh. I just can't stop myself from gawking.

I think it's just because it still shocks the piss outta me that some people in my peer group are handling these kinds of responsibilities. Look at you! You made a tiny person and now you're in charge of keeping it alive. So impressive. These days I'm just impressed with myself for getting something dry cleaned.

Now, as your former friend in high school who lost touch with you until two years ago when I found you on a better friend's friend list and sent you a friend request, or as your friend who you just hung out with at like two parties before drunkenly insisting that I needed to add you as a friend, I feel that we are really close. But the sad fact is that we never get to see each other. And I rely on that default myspace photo of you making a silly face and holding a drink to remember what you look like, sometimes. Which is why I must insist that you don't put up a picture of your baby as your main photo. It makes me super confused! Especially since, as you know, all babies look the same.

Of course you can put up all of the baby pictures that you want inside your albums. And my you sure do have a big ol' heap of pictures! "Album: Baby Conner - 143 pictures." Wow! Just look at him...sitting there. And sleeping. Is that one of him crying? Delightful!

And, Mama, you really are very clever when you come up with those captions. "What a diva!" "I love bath time!" "What are you lookin' at?" Ha! Brilliant. If it were boring, unoriginal me writing those captions, I wouldn't have been able to come up with anything better than "I'm a baby!" "My face is all squinty and red." "Me again."

Yes, your baby is very cute. And I mean that in the way that all babies are cute because they're babies so they sort of have to be. Anyway, good work! I'm sure if I ever stop feeling awkward around babies, I'll have one too, and then I will document every doctor visit and bath and t-shirt with funny phrase (Mommy's Little Devil) and show you all of the pictures.

However, dear friend, I really wish you wouldn't put up your ultrasound picture. I believed you when you put up your myspace bulletin, "It's a girl!" I didn't need the evidence. I trust you. That's what friendship is all about.

I don't know if you know this, but ultrasound babies look even more identical to one another than actual babies. How do you know that's even yours?

No, I see where you're coming from. I can imagine that you're just thrilled to bits right now that you have a happy healthy bun in your oven. But, seriously, that picture is weeeeird. It's all inside of you and, though I like you, I did not ask to see your insides! Although, in case you were curious, here's a picture of what's going on inside me:

Ok, there, now we're even. You probably hate me by now and probably think I'm a total byotch. (Remember back in the day when we used to say byotch?) I have to get back to work anyway. And you probably have to get back to wrapping your baby in swaddling clothes or whatever.

So take care!


A Lover and a Fighter said...

How does this have no comments? That was the funniest thing I've read all day.

Hollywood Sucker said...

Well thanks, lover/fighter for leaving your comment! Either no one reads my stuff, or they do read it and I leave them utterly speechless.

cOm said...

thank you.

it needed to be said.

you're funny. AND cute!