(-) Shows That Are Making Me Stupid
(+) Shows That Are Making Me Stupid But I Don't Care
4. SCOTT BAIO IS 46 AND PREGNANT
No, no, no. Scott Baio isn't actually pregnant. His girlfriend/fiance, Renee, is. You silly goose! But I also took the title literally at first, and that's why I tuned in.
"So it's just a show about a pregnant chick?" you ask. "Who cares?"
My friend, you are missing the point. This is SCOTT BAIO we're talking about. And that means...something. I don't know what, yet. But SOMETHING, surely, or the good folks at VH1 wouldn't have brought us his saga.
You may or may not have watched last season's show, Scott Baio is 45 and Single, in which Scott Baio gets himself into this mess. I myself didn't really watch anything after the first 2 episodes. But what I learned is this: Scott Baio has commitment issues, Scott Baio is a big fat baby, and Scott Baio is friends with Wayne from The Wonder Years. Oh, and also no one ever refers to him as "Scott." He is always Scott Baio. ScottBaio.
In the first episode of this new season, we find ScottBaio exactly where we left him at the end of last season. And where's that? Turns out his girlfriend, the one he couldn't decide if he should marry, is now pregnant. WITH A BABY. Holy guacamole! Now before you go jumping to conclusions, she in no way messed with her birth control to get herself knocked up and thus force poor ScottBaio to commit to her foreverandever. I mean, she seems nice so I can't imagine she would do that. After all, ScottBaio's personality is insufferable, so she wouldn't want to be with him if she didn't truly love him. Although, he does have enough money to spontaneously buy her this giant mansion:
And this big engagement ring:
Well whatever. No time to dwell on the hows and whys. ScottBaio is having a baby! And the man is totally helpless. Somebody do something!
Oh, phew, he's attending to Daddy To Be classes. I almost forgot.
But the first one did not go well. The whole time ScottBaio was like, "Ah! What's that?" and "Is that a baby?" and "I can't believe I'm doing this" and "It's crying" and "I think I might kill it by accident" and OHMYGOD SHUT UP, SCOTTBAIO! Settle down. The way he was faking total ineptitude around babies, I had trouble believing he ever was one.
Looks like Renee's got herself into quite the pickle. But you know me, I love a good trainwreck.
5. AMERICAN GLADIATORS
The other night I was making dinner in the kitchen when I thought I overheard something along the lines of, "Tonight blah blah blah Mayhem and Justice take down the challenger..." I poked my head around the corner to find the boyfriend was watching American Gladiators. And wait, is that modern day Hulk Hogan hosting it? Is this a NEW episode?
Who knew this show was coming back on? And whose idea was this anyway? Oh well too late now. Guess I'll HAVE to watch it. FINE.
For being back on for approximately 3 weeks, the new AG sure has accumulated a big mess of fans. And fans that already have a particular favorite gladiator. And a lot of them like Wolf:Although I don't see what's so great about him. He howls before he does just about anything. Practically before every step he takes, and it gets tiresome. And he says things like "I smell fear and I taste blood." What? Ew.
I think I like Crush. In fact I have a crush on Crush.
I have an idea for a new show called Average American Gladiator and instead of featuring contestants who are all personal trainers or ninjas or whatever, we'll just bring in people who work at Jiffy Lube or Applebee's. And there will be no Gladiators. It will be just contestants. And instead of the contestants having time to train for the contest, we'll send recruiters to the local mall to approach people at random. "Excuse me, would you like to be a contestant on Average American Gladiators? You would? Great, drop that Icee and come with me!"
Also, for my new show, I think that all of the events should be either the Joust, where the two competitors stand on platforms and hit each other with the big pillowy q-tip looking things, or The HamsterBall, which I think may really be called Atlasphere or something. But it's THE GREATEST.
And maybe I could invent a new hamster themed game. Like something with giant human Habitrails.
Now THAT's great television.