Last night I was a human trash can. When I told friend Anne this, she said, "You mean like you ate a lot?" Ordinarily that would make sense, but that's not what I meant regarding last night.
No, I was literally a human trash can. I worked at a catering event and my job was to carry around a tray so that people could put their trash on it. I smiled and actually said "you're welcome" to the 4 people who thanked me. Actually, even worse, I thanked people when they picked something off of their cocktail table for me and then put it on the tray. I said thank you. THANK YOU for the gnawed stems of your chocolate dipped strawberries. THANK YOU for your little plate covered in sauce with a balled up napkin stuck to it. I fought the urge to curtsey sarcastically. I mentally made people drop dead. I don't know if you've ever done this (and I hope that you have so I don't feel like a psychopath), but I do this thing where I glare in someone's direction and picture invisible laser beams shooting from my eyes and making them fall to the ground and have seizures. And to the party planner who yelled at me for carrying a tray of food off of the buffet table and back to the kitchen, even though I was just doing what my boss told me to do, I want you to know that mentally I set your hair on fire.
About 5 minutes into the event, and before I'd been assigned to the human trash can task, I'd already text messaged Anne "I can't do this anymore." And I really can't. It's exhausting and holding trays all night makes my shoulders and wrists hurt. And it's like embarrassing. Look, I don't know how I got to be this way, but I'm really prideful. (Although anyone who came to my last birthday dinner and watched me drunkenly mash my hands into the ice cream cake would probably question such a statement.)
Also, it' really hard to work with some of the other servers. I mean, I'm sure that they are just like me and are nice and fun in most circumstances, but showing up at these events just sucks the life out of them and turns them into assholes. Ok, I'm actually only talking about one girl in particular here because everyone else is pleasant most of the time, and I've even started to like the bosses (Stockholm syndrome?), but this one girl...jeesh. High strung. Snippy. Weird.
Actual conversation overheard with her and another server.
Her: So are you an actor too like everyone else.
Him: Yep. I am. Are you?
Her: No.
Him: Wow, yeah it seems like almost everyone is at this gig.
Her: I'm actually doing something really cool, maybe you should ask me about it.
Who says that to someone they just met?
Also, we are hired to work a minimum of 5 hours. This means we are paid for 5 hours, even if we only work for 2. It also means, like last night, that they try to get you to work for as long as possible to fill out the 5 hours and get their money's worth. This means standing around trying to load things into a truck until 12:30 am, when I'm freezing and my feet hurt, and it's obvious that I don't have the arm strength required to lift all that crap and so I'm pretty much useless so they should just let me go home.
But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And this girl's gotta stop being broke. So I press on.
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16 comments:
i just found your blog!
this post cracked. me. up.
what a fucking bitch. You should have mentally made her knee caps explode.
damn backmonkey.
this was a good post, especially since I can empathize fully, both as a professional weekend domestic and someone who lives for ice cream cake.
did that guy ask the girl about her cool activities? or did he just kick her in the lady nads and run away?
Awww, that sucks. But, you're right, we all do what we gotta do...
I really thought you were going to reference actual Garbage Pail Kids, from the 80s, when I read the title, and I cracked up! But I don't want you to BE a GPK.
I am going to use my head exploding powers on that ridiculous girl, too!!!
jenny- Hi Jenny. Thanks for stopping by!
surviving myself- I also pictured her eyeballs popping out of her stupid head, but I didn't want to go into too much graphic detail.
lover/fighter- He didn't ask her about the cool activities because he got distracted by something else, and I love that she was left unsatisfied. I did ask her later, because I was immensely curious by that point, and she does like nature health medicine or something.
jenbun- Yeah I almost put a pic of the Kids up with my blog just for decoration, but then as soon as I took one look at them I remembered how even when I was younger they instantly made me want to throw up. They are nasty! I feel sick just thinking about them.
I don't know how you do it. After a full workday to then have to stand around while everyone eats food and gets drunk, it sounds so exhausting! I was really hoping you'd get to eat the food and sneak a few martinis.
Yeah I have definitely worked in the catering business and you can only hope that people will say thank you and be considerate. It's definitely a crapshoot every time.
You shouldn't be embarrassed about the catering! Be proud of yourself for working hard at something you don't like in order to make money and do what you gotta do. I respect the hell out of that.
I've worked catering gigs too, and was not a fan. And what do you know! I had similar thoughts about certain people, i.e. the slimy mayor and also the crazy bitch republican "representative" who always seemed to show up at the affairs I helped cater.
you should have been like "nature health medicine? sounds fake. and not so cool. not like my job. i'm a skydiver. um. and a MODEL. YEAH."
I must admit that a healthy fear of your eye-lasers and mental hair set-afire skills is probably going to improve the quality of my comments.
Except for this one.
inono- I dont know how I did it either. I try to just black out memories of these times.
katelin- Yes, it is a crapshoot. By which I mean that it's always crappy.
nicole- I'll try to remember that. Thanks :)
phil- Those guests sound even worse than the ones I encounter. Suddenly I feel very lucky.
lover/fighter- Actually I told her that I was a scuba specialist and cupcake sampler.
peter- zzzzap!
I laughed so hard.
I'm sorry?
God I hope they are paying you well.
Also, while I don't imagine people dropping dead, I do imagine myself punching them in the face. A lot. It's pretty funny because usually in my mind they get a super surprised look on their face after I've punched them, because, really, who just punches someone? I DO, that's who.
So did you listen to what the "really cool" thing is that the snippy girl is doing? I want to know.
Well I see now that I should read ALL the comments before I ask stupid questions. Please don't set my hair on fire - I really like my hair.
ahh!! just started reading your blog and i literally spit water out at my desk while reading this. i only WISH i had the power to set someone's hair on fire with my mind. that would be the greatest gift ever.
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