Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I'm Just Not That Into You

Last night, the girls and I went to see Sex And The City. Like most women, I simply adored the TV series. And I have so many positive memories associated with it. I can remember watching the series finale with all of my roommates during my senior year of college. And I can recall this really relaxing day I had during my first year in LA when my friends and I spent the whole day eating chinese food and watching episode after episode of SATC.

I can't offer you much of a review of the movie, but I will say that I got the sense that it was mocking itself. However, since I am so enamored with the whole Sex and the City franchise, I still really enjoyed myself.

I do, however, have a very bad review of the audience at last night's 8:15 show. At The Grove. I hope some of you are reading this because I'm really disappointed in you.

Now I knew going into this that the audience was going to be groups of girlfriends who would squeal with delight as they entered the theatre and while the opening credits rolled. But I guess I underestimated just how aggressive such a crowd would be. As we waited in line to be let into our theatre, there was a terrifying electricity in the air. And then as soon as the velvet rope was moved out of the way, it was like a stampede. It reminds me of news footage I've seen of wedding dress clearance sales where women line up outside the doors of Filene's Basement, standing there for three days, drooling with the anticipation of big discounts. And then when the doors are released by some poor, wide-eyed store employee, the women run in screaming and pushing one another aside and the clothing racks are emptied in a matter of seconds except for one hideous, poofy sleeved gown swinging back and forth on a hanger.

It was like that.

Fortunately, we were in the front of the line and able to grab seats right away because the theatre filled up almost instantly, sending everyone into a panic.

I went back into the lobby to grab snacks, but didn't time this well because now I was fighting the tidal wave of women pouring into the theatre. I bumped into no fewer than 4 women, none of whom said "excuse me" or "I'm sorry." I literally threw myself against the wall and slid along it through the rest of the corridor, like how cops do on TV, only I unfortunately lacked the loaded weapon.

I started to feel really embarrassed for the whole group. What if there was a straight guy here? We are confirming his beliefs that we're all a bunch of caddy psychos. Ladies, please!

And as if these nasty women weren't bad enough, nearly every pack of them came with the requisite bitchy gay man who was really protective of his friends' personal space. Look, I love gay dudes, but their shouting "You need to move" and "She needs to sit her ass down" was only worsening the already stressful situation.

Shortly after the movie started and the chaos died down, a woman in her 50s appeared at the end of our row and asked if we were saving the free seat next to Kristen. We were, of course, for our friend who was running terribly late. If I'd been the one sitting next to the empty I'd be tempted to jut give it to this lady out of sympathy.

When we told her that she couldn't take the seat, she made a frustrated, desperate "hrrmph," and then she sat down on the steps of the aisle. I was at the end of the row, so this meant that our new friend was just sitting on the floor next to me. I looked over at Anne, seated to my left, with a "what the hell" face. I figured that after a few minutes, this woman would feel stupid and stand up again, or that an usher would come along and shoo her away.

But she stayed there. For the whole movie. And I don't know why it made me so uncomfortable -- it wasn't like she smelled of onions or tried to touch my knee or anything-- but I didn't like her being there. Why did she pick my step, of all the steps in the theatre? Where oh where was my bitchy gay man to look after my personal space? So I spent the whole movie leaning so far away from her that I was practically resting my head on Anne's shoulder.

Oh, and then the woman on the stairs got all friendly. She'd look over at me every time she laughed (she was fond of dick jokes), hoping I'd laugh with her. I felt bad that I wasn't warming up to her. After all, she was harmless. She just needed a place to sit. I debated offering her some of my m&ms, but that would mean fewer for me, so...

And anyway, she was the least of my worries because there was some kind of blonde three-headed monster sitting behind us. All three heads laughed, sighed and cooed simultaneously. And the sobbing. Oh the sobbing! The slightest hint of sadness from one of the characters on screen would send this beast into hysterics. I could hardly concentrate with all the sniffling and snotting and staccato breathing behind me.

So in conclusion, if anyone asks me if I liked the movie, I guess my answer is, "Yeah sure. But I'm beginning to hate women."

And also, "My popcorn was stale."


surviving myself said...

I'm glad you didn't offer any M&M's.

M&M's are for people you love and yourself, no one else.

Peanut or plain? Say peanut and you are awesome.

not lisa said...

I had practically the same experience with the movie on Thursday, unfortunately. The three-headed monster(s) behind me also snuck in adult beverages, amplifying all expression of emotion. Seriously, how hopped up can one really get on canned mojitos??

becca said...

I'm going to attempt this feat Thursday but not before first consuming as many mini martinis possible at Houlihans. So either the ridiculous women won't bother me or I'll be arrested.

I hope I don't have a stair buddy though. No amount of mini martinis would make that fun.

Lizzie M said...

Glad you liked the movie--both girls in my office who have seen it didn't really like it. I haven't seen it yet but was thinking about going this next weekend--maybe to like an 11 am showing to hopefully avoid the stampede???

Katelin said...

oh man, i'm going to see it today and hopefully the crowd won't be quite as rambunctious, if that's even the right word. i'm sort of scared now, haha.

Paula said...

Me and my sis went to see SATC last night and loved it. The cinema I was in was also full of idiot girls and women. But the film (and the fact that the bar was selling cosmos for three pounds sixty) more than made up for it. :)

Felicia said...

Seeing this is the last place on earth I'd want to be, right after being in the middle of a KKK riot with me being the target. I'll wait til it comes out on VHS thank you very much. I mean, DVD.

Anonymous said...

Omigod, that is so something that would happen to you... the woman who picked your step, of all the steps in the theater. Funny post! I forgot about her sitting there. Oh, and it's KDawg!

Hollywood Sucker said...

surviving- Alas, they were plain.

not lisa- I don't know, but I'd like to find out.

becca- Ah, she wasn't so bad. She just needed a pal.

lizzie- Yeah, it wasn't great, but I love the show so it just made me happy to see something new.

katelin- Just get there early and don't wear open toed shoes.

paula- Yes I could've used a cosmo!

felicia- VHS! You're killing me.

anonymous- People like to be close to me. :)

Amanda said...

I completely feel your pain. I too grew to hate the audience around, especially the crazy drunk girl making every possible noise in front of me. I don't remember a time when I wanted to be watching a movie along more.

Tia said...

i totally brought one of my fabulously bitchy BFF main gays with me, and he was worth his weight in stale popcorn. cannot go out without the gays. cannot.

mindy said...

That poor 50 year old woman didn't have anyone in her life to go with? I can't imagine going to THAT movie alone. I mean, the show is about the importance of female friends....to go alone, well...

Ohmygod I might cry.

But good call not sharing M&M's - get your own damn M&Ms I say!

surviving myself said...


Julie_Gong said...

that right there is why i'm not bothering to go see the movie.

Inono said...

I never thanked you for sharing your popcorn and M&Ms with me! So, thank you!