Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The only thing that could make Paris any worse...

The new season of The Hills premiered Monday night with an episode that takes Lauren to Paris, Heidi to Colorado, and, mercifully, Audrina out of the picture.

And if you enjoyed my irrational obsession with ScottBaio's reality show, boy are you in for a treat now that The Hills is back on TV. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't love or hate Lauren. I've never been so passionately indifferent about anyone before. I just. Can't. Stop. Watching.

But perhaps you had something to do Monday night, so let me give you a little recap:

Lauren and Whitney have been sent to Paris by Teen Vogue to cover some debutante ball that Americans obviously care about.

They arrive in Paris, where a private driver awaits them.

"YAY!" says Lauren. Now what are we supposed to do?

Oh! Just look in front of you, for you've been provided an itinerary, neatly stored in a little leather folder.

You know, I thought you had to be an international spy to have the experience of your personal driver giving you a typed itinerary, but apparently you just need to be an intern at a teen magazine. Boy am I in the wrong line of work! James, where's my itinerary? When will I receive my new assignments? Have you heard from HQ? Drive me to the supper club.

Uh, where was I? Oh, right, my boring life where I blog about TV shows.

So at the end of last season, Heidi decided to take a break from her fake job and her skeevy fiance to go hang out with her parents in her home town Crested Butte (MAN that name is hilarious), Colorado. Now we join Heidi and her mom, as they duck into a lodge following a day of skiing that has left them completely uncovered in snow and their cheeks very un-rosy.

The ladies strike up a spontaneous conversation as authentic as the scenery out that window between them. "Mom, I don't know what to do about Spencer," says Heidi.

"Why don't you tell me what you're thinking, dear. And please explain it to me as if I weren't your mother and didn't already know all of the details. In fact, pretend I'm like a...uh..viewer...who just watched you from afar...and had maybe not really heard about you and Spencer in a few months...and just needs a little refresher."

Ok, back to Paris. Apparently the girls have disregarded their fancy itineraries, and decided to pick up their ball gowns before picking up shoes for some of the debutantes, when in fact they are supposed to do those things in the opposite order.

But when they get to the shoe store...it's closed!

Girls, girls girls. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Don't get your ball gowns before picking up the debutantes' shoes"? Oh well, serves you right for being so unappreciative of your kickass itineraries.

In Hollywood, Spencer is so depressed, he's just hanging around at home. Yeah, I mean, I know he doesn't have a job to go to or anything, so he doesn't have much choice but to sit at home...but it's clear he's upset. Good thing his sister Stefanie decides to come over to cheer him up!

Based on previous episodes, I'd concluded that Stef was the worst person in the world. But after this episode, I've decided she is the BEST. Because when Spencer tries to unload all of his lame shit on her, homegirl is mean. Every time he opens his stupid mouth about Heidi she's like "Mmmm, no." Until she finally advises, "I guess you can just write a list of everything you've done and then do the opposite."

Look at his face!

Ah ha ha. Tool.

Anyway, there's only one thing Spencer can do! He must go to Colorado and reclaim his bride!

So some time later he rolls up to Heidi's unimpressive house. Honestly, did anyone else shit a brick when the show visited Heidi's childhood home for the first time? I wanted a palace! I wanted extravagance! I wanted some kind of house that would justify Heidi's grossly inflated sense of self.

Well whatever. Back in Paris...oh, wait, I just have to show you a title card from this episode and what it says about the intelligence of The Hills target audience.

Anyway, the girls are hard at work. That is, until Lauren gets a super important call. Oh hey! It's Audrina. God bless it, she's still alive.

"Eh meh gaahd, heh, it's Audrehneh." She breathes into the phone.

"What's up?" asks Lauren, completely concerned, but also, deep down, excited for some other crisis to befall her.

"I was ouuuuut. Aaaand, I saw Brodeh and heh was wih this girrrrl and heh was telling people tha she was his girlfriend."

So Lauren's feathers get all ruffled, as usual, because why oh why can't she ever find a trustworthy boy. Yaddi yadda. I was over this problem of her's last season. Next issue, please!

But that very night, she meets her newest douche, Mattias.

Yeah, I know. That name. Priceless. And he's apparently some kind of musician.

So he pretty much just leers at her all night like that. And she keeps raising her eyebrows and giving him cheeky glances.

I guess when your hot Parisian love interest has already been hand picked by the MTV machine, you don't have to put much effort into flirtation. And btw, Lauren, red lipstick's not your thing. And you look tired.

On another evening, or maybe the same one, it's never clear, Mattias sends Lauren an email inviting them to some kind of dressy club. "Did you pack going out dresses?" asks Lauren to Whitney.
"Yeah, but did you?"
"My dresses are like pencil skirts."

How is this even a conversation? Anyway, Lauren has a brilliant plan to sew her designer ball gown into a cute cocktail dress.

What could possibly go wrong?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Spencer is attending an uncomfortable dinner with Heidi's parents.

You know what? Fuck this. I am so bored with stupid Heidi and her saaaaahga. I can't even discuss it any more. Let me wrap it up by saying that after like 5 more heart-to-heart conversations, Spencer leaves and Heidi stays in Colorado and nothing's resolved. I'm telling you blondie, you better get interesting soon...

Ok, back to the A Story. After a long night of bizarre French club music and forced romance, Whitney, Lauren, and Lauren's Ball Gown make it back to the hotel safely.

BUT THEN when the girls get dressed to go to the ball, Lauren discovers a mysterious stain!

I know what you're thinking, she brushed up against Mattias and his nast rubbed off on her. But the culprit was actually an unattended curling iron left too close to the delicate fabric.

"But I can't go the ball without a gown!" she laments.

Fortunately, Whitney jumps into action. "Everythingk will be ok." She puts a call into the gown's designer, who agrees to hand over another freebie. Wow, that worked out nicely, didn't it?


And so the girls are off to the ball. Where everything runs pretty smoothly. And before the night is through, Lauren's Parisian Prince shows up to whisk her away from the ball on his Vespa.

Sigh. Seriously?

Lauren gathers up her gown, eager to ruin it, and hops on back. And off they ride into the night.

The title of the episode was "Paris Changes Everything."

What. What changed, Lauren? You were there a week. Brody's still not your boyfriend. You still never learn your lesson. Whitney's still your sorta friend.

Drama level of this episode: 2 out of 10.

Better step it up next week.


Peter said...

Great recap.

I'll admit it...

I've been sucked into this show in the past. Mainly because I have a suspicion that Whitney is going to snap some day and kill them all for being morons. And then she'll eat a hamburger.

Please make her eat a hamburger.

I couldn't watch this one because I saw a commercial which featured le gros sac de douche saying, "Laur-en, 'ave you seen da Eiffel Tow-er?"

mindy said...

"I guess you can just write a list of everything you've done and then do the opposite."

I am going to give that advice to everyone I know from now on. That is awesome.

Also, this show is painful, but your recaps are fabulous!

Just another silly girl said...

oh my god, you love the hills, too? Devin, marry this girl.

I, too, am obsessed, so much so that though I am in 6.5 hours of class on Monday nights that forced me to miss this premiere, I DVRed that bitch and watched it yesterday. No shame. I own my sad, pathetic attempt at a life.

Stefanie was pretty rockin' in this episode. Though I must note that in a future episode, it would seem she is going to try to play matchmaker with Heidi and Lauren. What? Step off, Stefanie. You're so not a main player in this series.

(Also, Crested Butte made me giggle like a 6-year-old all 124 times it popped up on the screen.)

surviving myself said...


It makes me sad that you, my girlfriend and every single woman (and some dudes apparently) watch this show.

I... I just don't know about things anymore.

I do know this: Scott Baio is way cooler than all those fuckers.

Lizzie M said...

I know, such a guilty pleasure, The Hills.

That whole thing with the dress was soooo obvious, "But Lauren, how can you wear the ballgown to the club? You have to wear that tomorrow night to the super special debutante ball! I sure hope nothing happens to it!"

I love how CO is portrayed as a winter wonderland, year-round. We have more sunny days a year than San Diego, bitches!!

Anonymous said...

I don't get cable (and pretty much don't watch a lot of TV) so relying on your posts about this is actually a lot more concise and entertaining.

Now I can join water cooler conversation!

Inono said...

Ok, am I the only one who has a crush on Mattias? There is something so foriegn and sexy about him. Wait till we get to the episode where he plays a show in LA. He was really hot on stage, even though his music sucks.

Secondly, did anyone else notice that Lauren called him by the wrong name when he called her at the ball?

Mattias: "Allo, Lauh-rhen? Zis is Mattias, I wahnt to take ew to see ze Eiffel Towhar."

Lauren: "Hello, Matthew? I can barely hear you over the noise of this ball I'm pretending to be working at."

That Saddity Chic said...

Great overview of the show. I watched it last night and thought "this is the first episode of the new season. Snooooze boring".

Kristen said...

Ditto! I agree with everything you say. I HATED the red lipstick on LC. Oh, and more importantly, I was so bored I couldn't even FINISH the episode. I couldn't finish an episode of The Hills? Something foul must be in the MTV water!

Winter said...

I'm going to come straigt to you for all my viewing needs.

Katelin said...

oh man. your recap sort of put my inner thoughts to shame, but i love it, haha.

and really? the whole heidi, spencer crap, gag me. they are so together it's sickening. i can't wait til they show her lame ass music video on the show, ah haha.

love this show.

Hollywood Sucker said...

peter- I know, poor Whitney, who appears to have an actual job, is caught up in all of this mess. One day Lauren will have a mental break down, Audrina will wander into traffic, and Heidi will be busy with Spencer's babies...and then The Hills will belong to Whitney.

Mindy- Thanks! And yes that is good advice. Especially if you tack "And then, bite me" onto the end.

silly girl- Why are we so obsessed!? Two smart women should have better things to do!

surviving- Just give it a chance. Watch it because it makes you feel better about yourself.

lizzie- Yeah, they make Heidi's town look like the Santa's workshop.

nico- Oh good, glad I can help. Now I need someone to fill me in on the following shows I've never been on top of: Lost, American Idol, 24, Dancing With the Stars, Flavor of Love.

inono- Ew, yes, jou are zee only one.

saddity- I know, right? They need to introduce a new character. The wacky neighbor?

kristen- See my response to saddity chic.

winter- Oh good! It'll save you lots of time and effort. But then again, if I watch all the bad tv for you, what will you watch when you're lazy?

Hollywood Sucker said...

katelin- Whoops your comment snuck in while i was responding to everyone else's. Mine did not put yours to shame! Yours is lovely. I just have to write a lot about it because, you know, the whole theme of my blog is being the polar opposite of Ms. LC.

devin said...

"Supper Club". "Back at the Ranch". Priceles. I also have a crush on Mattias.

JenBun said...

I have never watched this show, ever. And now I feel like I have watched every episode. That's how good your recap was!

Isn't one of those girls named Jen Bunny? People keep thinking my bloghandle has something to do with that. It doesn't.

nicoleantoinette said...

I totally missed The Hills on Monday and now I don't have to wait and watch a repeat, haha thanks!

Oh, and hilarious laughter re: "Have you heard from HQ? Drive me to the supper club."

not lisa said...

Sorry - reposting because I hate type-o's...

I just stumbled across your blog, read this post and now know that I did not make a mistake in finding my way here. Your re-cap could have been written directly from notes someone secretly took when my girlfriends and I watched it on Monday.

Although we did also discuss at great length Heidi's latest plastic surgery (her lips are reaching for Meg Ryan status), her orange Oompa-Loompa-colored face and the way Mattias would creepily twirl his facial hair.

God, I love this show.

apricot. said...

oh my god; I love you. I think I'll just watch this wretched show through the recaps you do on your blog because 1.) they're so much more fun & 2.) it's a guiltless way of catching up with the latest gossip without actually WATCHING the show. Brilliant. =]

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Are you gonna do this for ALLLLL the episodes? Because that would just make my life.

In college, my roommate and I would get together to yell at the TV at The Hills.

Hollywood Sucker said...

devin- he's my least favorite of all of your man crushes.

jenbun- ew. jen bunny has tiny eyes that are too close together and she is a bad friend. you are neither of those things, I would imagine. you are lovely.

nicole- eek. maybe i should have said "spoiler alert." but if you think about it. the whole show is a spoiler of itself...it's set up so obviously.

not lisa- i deleted your deleted comment so there's no history of you typo. i hate when i make them too. we are kindred spirits. also, yes, heidi's lips were nearly flying off of her face this episode. soon, i hope they just make her incapable of speaking.

apricot. - i love you too...but please you must also watch this show. if you rely on me then i become the only loser watching it.

joy- actually, yes. i'm planning on doing it for all of them. stay tuned...