Tuesday, February 19, 2008
ScottBaio is 46 and a Big Stupid Baby
I thought I'd gotten it all out of my system the first time I wrote about ScottBaio. But in the episodes since then, he's continued to amaze me with how utterly useless he can be. I can't even think of the right word for him, but I'm hovering somewhere in the neighborhood of "crapface."
Ok, so when we last left ScottBaio, he had just thrown his juice box on the floor and was threatening to hold his breath forever if he didn't get his way. But ScottBaio, my sweet, you don't need to panic. Honestly, no one expects ANYTHING of you, so don't put so much pressure on yourself. Even Renee says when she comforts you during your half-hourly freakouts, "I know what I signed up for." See? So relax.
In episode 4, Renee and ScottBaio head to the last ultrasound before their baby is born. While Renee enjoys a virtual reality helicopter ride through her magic glasses, the doctor points out the face, and the fat cheeks and ScottBaio is all, "Yeah yeah, I get it. The baby's healthy. Now, what exactly is an episiotomy?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "that's when a cut is made near the vagina to give the baby enough room to come out."
Aaaand commence freakout. I mean, really, ScottBaio, we're barely 5 minutes into the episode. And why are you freaking out so much anyway? It's not like anyone's cutting a hole in your vagina.
On the drive home from the doctor's ScottBaio fills us in on his problem with episiotomies. "How do you spell episiotomy? I know how to spell it. L-O-O-S-E-V-A-G-I-N-A." Charming, ScottBaio.
After a really hard day of driving Renee to and from the doctor's, I think ScottBaio deserves a little R&R, don't you? And there's no better time to go than right now, while your fiancee is busy wobbling around, trying to prepare for a baby shower. So ScottBaio and his pals, Johnny V, Wayne Arnold, and Steve (maybe?) pack their bags and head to Vegas for a "man shower."
While the guys gather in ScottBaio's room and enjoy their first of about 46 cigars they smoke during the episode, ScottBaio is in the background freaking the fuck out. But this time, it's not about the baby; he is really really upset about the static cling on his pants. Cheer up, ScottBaio, Johnny V has planned a non-stop, VIP weekend for you!
We begin at the...diner. The magical diner where all of the waitresses are strippers and the tuna melt comes with a side of cocaine? No, no, this is just a regular diner. But Johnny V can't be expected to have planned out EVERYTHING for the weekend. How was he supposed to know you wanted dinner?
So after ScottBaio freaks out about eating at a diner, Johnny V leads the gang to Body English, one of the best clubs in Vegas. Only problem is, it's like 8:30 and the doors aren't even open. With hours to kill, the boys all begin gambling and drinking and before he can say episiotomy, ScottBaio's back at Body English, in the VIP lounge, three sheets to the wind and $5000 in the hole. Suddenly it dawns on him, "Hey, Johnny V is really fucking annoying," and so ScottBaio leaves the club and makes his way back to his room.
But not before stopping in the casino to solve that pesky static cling problem once and for all.
Feeling guilty about losing so much money when they're about to have a baby, ScottBaio drunk dials, er I mean drunk video conference calls Renee to spill the beans.
Basically he says, "Hey baby. Hope you had fun at the shower today. So, turns out I'm drunk. Oh, and I lost $5000."
To which, Renee replies, "That's okay, money isn't everything."
Oh, whatever, Renee. Why don't you just give me $5000 then?
I'm really undecided about Renee. She's sorta full of shit, but she's also an angel for putting up with this crapface. Oh hey, crapface does suit him nicely after all.
And thus episode 4 comes to a close. In episode 5, it's baby time!
But first, ScottBaio has some more freaking out to do.
It all begins when Renee and ScottBaio go to the hospital to have a look around the maternity ward. A doctor leads them into one of the rooms, and the sight of... the bed and the... couch just make him dizzy and nauseous as he thinks about how he'll have to do all that standing around while Renee's in labor. Oh, the horror!
There, there ScottBaio. It's all right. Lots of men have an intense fear of hospital tours.
Oh look, sweetums, that nice doctor lady brought you some ice cream. Now what do we say...? "Thank you, doctor lady."
With that crisis narrowly averted, Renee realizes she better get ScottBaio out of the hospital before he wets himself. They almost make it out safely, when they run into a couple who has just had their first baby. They exchange congratulations and pleasantries and then ScottBaio asks the new dad a very important question: "Do you still have time to play golf?"
"No. No more golf. You don't want to anymore, you want to spend time with your kid." OOF. You putz. Do you realize what you've done? We just calmed ScottBaio down and now you've gone and riled him all up again.
Wow. You've had a rough morning, sport. Why don't you go be useless at the racetrack with Wayne Arnold and Steve (?).
"Where's Johnny V?" you ask. Well, these guys start wondering the same thing. The little pork pie hat-wearing knucklehead's been M.I.A. for over a week. So they decide to go check in on their pal.
ScottBaio says Johnny V lives in some place called Old Hollywood. Now, I'm not exactly sure where this is. I've been to Hollywood plenty of times, and I've never seen anything quite as nasty as this "Old Hollywood" they showed during the episode. But anyway, the boys head down the alley where Johnny V lives. No, seriously.
They find Johnny V living in squalor in his studio apartment.
There are about 40 chinese take out boxes strewn about and he's hung newspapers all over the walls like a conspiracy theorist or that guy from the movie Seven. Also, Steve (?) finds a half eaten can of cat food, which is alarming since Johnny V has no cat.
So the guys are all, "What the fuck?" Turns out, Johnny V has been feeling really left out the past month. Awwww. Poor wittle thing. Two man-babies in one room!
Johnny V doesn't seem to get that ScottBaio needs to focus on the whole rest of his life and his impending fatherhood. Johnny V just wants someone to go out clubbing with. Preferably someone who will buy all of his booze and bring girls over to their table. ScottBaio, he does have a point. You two aren't even 50 yet! Live it up!
But ScottBaio doesn't have time to deal with Johnny V's lameass meltdown. He's got bigger fish to fry! He's still stuck in that stupid Daddies To Be class with stupid Dr. Bill and all of his stupid charts. Really, if there's one thing ScottBaio hates, it's charts! He spent the whole episode yammering on to everyone he knows about how he hates the charts that he has to sit through during all of the classes.
Now, Dr. Bill, don't feel stupid. I too would've thought ScottBaio would respond positively to colors and shapes, but I guess he's not yet familiar with those concepts. So let's just skip the charts for now. Maybe you've got something else to share with the class? Ok, actual close up photos of a birth in progress. I'm not so sure that's a good idea. But hey let's give it a shot.
Oh, nope, that's no good. ScottBaio's freaking the fuck out again. And this time, I think he's gonna barf.
My favorite part of this scene is the guy sitting next to ScottBaio who leans over and is like, "Dude, you don't have to do it. She does."
I LOVE you, Gray Shirt Guy. But you weren't much of a help in stopping the temper tantrum. Now ScottBaio's up and quit the Daddies To Be class.
Now what? Well he drives around in the car for a while, freaking out of course. Then he makes plans to meet up with his life coach, Doc Alley, from last season.
Btw, can we just take a moment to discuss why 46 year old ScottBaio insists on dressing like a 15 year old?
Anyway, safe in Doc Alley's dimly lit den, ScottBaio can finally let it all out.
Feels good to finally freak out, huh buddy? Yeah. You've been so strong. Solid like a rock this whole time.
Doc Alley wonders what exactly has ScottBaio so upset.
"Oh, it's awful," ScottBaio moans. "I have nowhere to go. No one will give me any answers." (Actual quote.)
"What about your Daddies To Be classes?" Doc Alley asks. Yeah, what about your Daddies To Be classes? "Uh, I quit them. Dr. Bill had all these stupid charts. And I hated them. And he was mean to me. He made me keep a journal."
"Oh, that awful awful man." So then Doc Alley has a look at ScottBaio's journal and the To Do List that Dr. Bill made him write out in anticipation of the baby.
Now let's play a game. Which of the following are actual items on ScottBaio's To Do List, and which ones did I make up?
1. Go to Brooklyn
2. Get married
3. Get my shit together
4. Get vasectomy
5. Shit a brick
6. Realize that I'm not the first man who has ever had a baby
7. Share feelings
8. Be there for Renee
9. Take gun and kill myself
10. Help giant pregnant wife paint the nursery because it's hard for her to get around and also so she doesn't inhale all the paint fumes and possibly do permanent damage to our unborn child
Scott Baio- 1,2,4,7,9
Doc Alley, miracle worker, calms ScottBaio down. And just in time too! The baby is on her way!
Nearly everyone is present for the birth of ScottBaio's first child. There's Wayne, and Steve (?), and Renee's daughter who flew home from college just for the occasion.
What the shitfuck? Maybe I missed the episode where Renee explained that she had a baby once already, 20 years ago when she was like 12. A few times I've heard Renee saying things like "I can't believe I'm doing this again," or "Well the first time I was pregnant..." and I have always been sort of curious where this little tike has been all this time. But ok, so her daughter's a grown up. That's probably a good thing because somebody needs to help Renee out during labor while ScottBaio has gone missing.
Where oh where could he be?
Why, he's freaking out in the hallway. Duh!
Good thing ScottBaio's pals are there to comfort him.
And by comfort, I mean stand around sending text messages. And placing bets on when the baby would come. And saying really helpful things, like this gem, which Wayne says after hearing Renee's cries of "Ooooh oooooh" during a contraction, "The sounds she makes while having a baby are a lot like the sounds she makes while making the baby." Ugh. Eye roll.
In the end, the doctors send Renee in for a c-section. As ScottBaio accompanies her to the O.R., Wayne Arnold is ready with more helpful commentary. "Go bring that baby home." "The next time ScottBaio walks out of those doors, he'll be a dad."
And into this, young Bailey Baio enters the world. Stupid fucking name if you ask me. But no one asked me, and that was their first mistake.
Coming up on the next episode, the new parents hire a British baby nurse to help them out. Because I guess even though the two of them don't have jobs, they still need a little help during the day. ScottBaio, you KILL me.