"A Poorly Outlined and Disconnected Post If There Ever Was One" or "Hideous Portraits, Handsome Pups, and Impending Obesity" or "A Weekend Wrap Up"

There will be many pictures and few words.

Part I, pUpdates: I've promised to get you some pictures of Seamus. Here he is, sitting with us outside.

As you can see, he has a bum eye. We're working on it. In fact, there are a few kinks we're still trying to work out. He is a bit growly and bitey with strangers, which is nerve-wracking and embarrassing. I think he was hit while he was in the bad house before he was rescued, because he reacts very poorly when someone sneaks up on him or touches the top of his head without letting him sniff them out first.

Also, he chewed up one of my flip flops as well as my glasses.



Part II, Drawings
On Friday, I left work and headed for Timmy Nolan's to meet my sister and our friend Kes. When I walked into the place, I spotted them at a table by the front window, completely cracking up about something. "What's so funny?"

My sister shows me this:


A picture of her, drawn on a coaster, by one of the two men sitting in the corner booth. Apparently they'd been drawing monstrous sketches of people from across the bar, writing "This is you" at the top of the illustration, and then handing it to the unsuspecting patron, who'd laugh and act in good spirits while also doubting their appearance.

I looked over in the artists' direction and saw two men hunched over, with charcoal, and markers, and coasters scattered all over their table. Periodically they would glance up at their targets. I think my sister was one of their favorite subjects, for there came a second drawing.

And then in an attempt to seek vengence, she started to sketch caricatures of the two artists. But before she could finish her art project, they drew one of her drawing them.

I had my back to the artists, and so I thought perhaps I'd be safe. Then again, I was curious to see their rendering of me as an ugly human. I was sure the second they put pen to paper, they'd find it impossible to capture me as anything less than stunning. Maybe the sketch they handed over would look like Jessica Rabbit or one of those ridiculously proportioned anime porn chicks with huge boobs, and long eyelashes and a heart-shaped mouth.

Instead, there was this:

Sort of like that comic book character Cathy, no? When the guy handed it over I was like, is this ME? And he, because he was apparently mute or something, points aimlessly over toward the bar. "Someone over there?" I ask and start looking for a fat woman with terrible hair...I didn't see one. "Wait, so this IS me?" I ask him again, but by now he'd moved on and was looking down at his next work-in-progress.

Part III, A new entry in my food journal.

Foods I Apparently Felt Were Absolutely Necessary To Shove Into My Fat Face This Weekend

I could go down the entire list here, and you'd be impressed to find that it includes 3 different varieties of corn chips, but I wanted to focus on my two main concerns- chocolate frosted mini donuts and tater tots. Who eats this shit?! Who?! The last time I recall eating either of these items in such gargantuan quantities was in 8th grade when both were available daily in the cafeteria.

You see, we were hosting a bbq on Saturday and so went to the grocery store that morning to buy supplies. The donuts were an impulse purchase, spotted in the bakery aisle when I was seeking hamburger and hot dog buns. I walked over to them and then back to the cart, and then over to them, and then back to the cart. And then stood halfway between them, shifting weight from foot to foot until I decided that I will buy them, eat a few, and leave the rest out with the lunch spread so that everyone else would finish them off. Instead, I think I ate approximately 20 of them over the course of the weekend. I'm not kidding.

The tater tots were Devin's idea. While at the grocery store we wound up in the bulk frozen foods aisle some how. And in one swift, fluid motion he spotted them in the freezer, made the decision we must have them, grabbed them and put them in the cart. We didn't even stop walking. And so we have about 10 pounds of tots. I ate them on 7 different occasions this weekend.

And so I may have gained 5 pounds of tot and donut, but I begin this Monday with high hopes to deflate a bit before my trip to Vegas this weekend (although, that place is full of fat tourists so I'll blend right in).

This is going to be a busy week for me at work, so apologies in advance if I don't have many updates.

xo
HS