THE HILLS RECAP: Lauren, pick one: Dream House or Dream Man.

Because no one, not even Lauren, can have both. As we learn in Monday's episode.

Which was a boring episode indeed! I watched it with my sister and a bunch of our girlfriends and we could hardly pay attention to it. Instead, we watched my friend Anne's cat walking around the room. Yes, The Hills is less entertaining than a cat batting around a wine cork.

Last week, Lauren and Lo decided they were going to rent a house. And then, out of pity, they brought in Audrina as their third roommate.

So let's see what kind of digs that three girls with entry level salaries can rent these days in Los Angeles.


Oh, yeah, that seems about right.

Now, I don't know that much about the LA real estate market. I do know I will never be able to buy anything ever. And I do know that the tiny, 2 bedroom houses in my lame neighborhood --houses that look like those little green monopoly houses and that are nestled under the freeway --are like $800,000.

And so I'm pretty sure this house is about $3 million. Maybe more? I highly doubt this is actually a rental property, but I'll just play along.

But look at me yammering on. Let's go for a tour of this place!


Here we have the modest fountain on the front lawn.



And here's the living room.

Lest ye forget, Lauren is, first and foremost, a designer. So she comes up with some brilliant, innovative ideas for this room.

Lauren: Here's where we'll have a TV room. And like a couch. And we can put pictures on the wall here.
Lo: Wow, Lauren, great idea. Really, just,wow.
Lauren: Thanks, Lo.


Audrina: (under her breath) Lesbian much?
Lo: Excuse me?
Audrina: What? Oh nothing. So where's my room?


Lauren: Oh, Audrina, I am so glad you brought that up because we are just getting to that. You're room is better than a room because you get a whole house!
Audrina: You mean I'm living out here in the guest house.
Lauren: Yes! We thought since you are so independent these days and can't ever find the time to hang out with us any more, you might like the privacy of your own little house.
Audrina: Really? Because it kind of feels like you're just getting me out of the way.


Lauren: Oh don't be silly. Besides, this is nice, don't you think?
Audrina: Yeah. You're right. It is cool back here.
Lo: Wonderful!


Lauren: Ok, so we'll just leave you here to get settled and, you know, explore.
Audrina: Wait, where are you two going?
Lo: Oh, we're just going to finish checking out the real--uh, I mean, the main house.
Audrina: Can't I come with you? It's not like I have stuff to unpack or anything.
Lauren: You don't want to come with us. I promise. There's nothing to see. It's just our rooms and the other bathrooms, yaddi yadda. You'll be bored. Just stay here and get comfortable.


Audrina: I better get my own spin off for this.

And so we say goodbye forever to Hillside Villas and welcome the girls to their new home. "We're going to have the best housewarming party," Lauren beams.


Just look at her. So happy. Ah, how I just love to see her smile. It's good to see things finally going her way after such a hard life. Oh, Lauren, if anyone deserves the best life has to offer, it's you!

Fast forward a bit, and the girls are all moved in to their new house.

Lauren is still smiling. Bless her little heart.


She's out having lunch with Lo, and they are talking about the guest list for their aforementioned housewarming party.

Lauren: Well, I'm invitiing Stephen Colletti.
Lo: Woah, wait, Stephen Colletti? The one from Laguna?
Lauren: Yes. Why? Is that weird? Is it weird that I would still be interested in a guy I made out with in high school?
Lo: No, I guess not. It's just...
Lauren: What?


Lo: I mean, you're kind of a big deal now. Don't you think you can just meet some new people.
Lauren: But I never stopped liking him.
Lo: Yeah ok.
Lauren: You always get like this when I have a date.
Lo: I...don't know what you mean. Did you want another cup of coffee?

I didn't watch Laguna Beach when it was on because I never had enough time or patience for it. (Note to self: Social life has drastically declined in past 3 years. Seek new hobbies.) So unlike a lot of Hills watchers, I had no nostalgic glee at the sound of Stephen's name.

I actually had to research who this guy was. Evidently, he's been on 8 episodes of One Tree Hill as some character names Chase Adams.

Also, he's apparently ok with using this as a publicity photo:



Meanwhile, Spencer is out for his afternoon mope.



Sister Stephanie joins him for an iced coffee. By the way, Steph, I love you but what's going on with your hair?


The sibs catch up for a little while, although who knows what they could possibly have to talk about since Spencer is crashing at Stephanie's apartment.


It isn't long, however, before the conversation sours. Stephanie tells Spencer that she plans to go to Lauren's housewarming party, and then he erupts into a fit about how disloyal she is. And then he storms out. Yeah, it was a totally gripping scene...

That night...it's party time! And the ladies have done their best to spruce up their humble home and make it look a little better for the guests.

A few candles by the pool...



A few tiki torches on the patio...



Things are coming together perfectly. That is, until Audrina asks if they have a bowl she can put some snacks in.


Lo looks panicked as she is forced to admit, "We don't have any bowls!"

Ok, seriously? You have the fucking Trevi Fountain in your front yard and yet you can't come up with one measely snack bowl?

Also, for the love of God, can you girls please stop insisting on wearing strapless dresses? There is an average of like 4 strapless dresses per episode and they never sit right on them.

Before the guests arrive, they slice up some limes for drinks, and talk about who's coming.

Audrina, who is looking a bit like Delta Burke these days, says that Justin will be attending.


Lauren: Wait...Justin? Like Justin/Bobby?
Audrina: Yeah...why? Is something wrong with that?
Lauren: No, nothing's wrong. I wanted to throw up all night, looking at his stupid face.
Lo: (Laughing maniacally) Stupid face! Good one, Lauren.


Audrina: Well who did you invite?
Lauren: Stephen Colletti. We're in love. And I think tonight he's going to ask me to marry him.
Audrina: Wait...Stephen Colletti? That twerp you went to High School with?
Lauren: You mean that successful, talented, handsome man. Yes. Jealous?
Audrina: At least my boyfriend has sex with me.
Lo: I think I heard the doorbell!

And in come the guests. Everyone is here!

The Muppet...



And Whitney- where has she been lately?!



And even some unwelcome guests...


Uh oh Lauren, some competition for one of your imaginary potential boyfriends.


Good thing you wore your tiny brass knuckles, cuz this bitch is going down!

But one person is missing...where's Stephanie?

Feeling a little weird after Spencer got on her case about being disloyal, she's gone to tell Heidi that she's on her way to Lauren's housewarming party.


Heidi: Hey, Sis, what's up?!
Stephanie: I thought I asked you not to call me sis.
Heidi: You are so funny!
Stephanie: So what are you up to tonight?
Heidi: Oh, just sitting her at home in my shiny stretch pants and my heels. What are you up to?
Stephanie: Well, actually, I'm going to Lauren's housewarming party.


Heidi: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Stephanie: Well you know how she and I are friends again. I didn't think you'd care.
Heidi: Of course I care. She totally ruined my life and you're supposed to be my best friend.


Stephanie: You know what, I'm too tired to explain why everything you say is basically inaccurate. My hair didn't turn out right tonight anyway. (sigh) I'll just stay in with you.
Heidi: Awesome! I was just going to try on all of my clothes and see which ones make my boobs look best. I could use a second opinion.
Stephanie: Outstanding.

Back at party central, Lauren's catching up with The Love of Her Life, Stephen.


Lauren: So this is a tree branch. And here is a flower on it.
Stephen: Uh, yeah. That's great.
Lauren: Do you think it's pretty?
Stephen: Sure.
Lauren: Do you think I'm pretty?
Stephen: Yeah.
Lauren: Thank you. Now, come this way, next on the tour, I wanted to show you this really neat rock I found in the garden. And then we'll go inside and I can show you my new hand towels. I've rated them in order of most to least favorite.
Stephen: How about we just sit here for a while.
Lauren: I'd like that.
Stephen: Ok.



Lauren: So Brody brought his new girlfriend. Did you see her?
Stephen: Oh, uh. Yeah she seemed nice. Hey is that Muppet over there?


Lauren: You thought she seemed nice? I thought she seemed really fake. And looked like a slut.
Stephen: I'm just gonna go say hi to Muppet.
Lauren: Don't you think she's a slut?
Stephen: Yeah yeah fine. She looks like a slut.


Lauren: I know! You are so right!
Stephen: Hey, look, I kinda want to go talk to some other people here. Uh, maybe we can just get dinner some time if you want to talk about all of this.
Lauren: I would love to go on a date with you.
Stephen: That's...yeah, great.





Stephen: Quit staring at me.
Lauren: Sorry.

And then it's time for the big date! Lauren can't decide if she should be modest and play hard to get, or be sexy and show a little shoulder. So, she decides to do both, by wearing this navy blue number, which to me, looks like she's put herself through the center of a Christmas tree skirt.



They say their goodbyes to Mama Lo, who yells after them, "If you break her heart I will kill you. Do you hear me, young man?!"


But he doesn't hear her, because he's too busy humming that Fall Out Boy song that's stuck in his head.

He takes her to a romantic restaurant in Beverly Hills, and she couldn't be happier.


Lauren: This is just what I always thought it would be like. You and me.
Stephen: You're staring at me again.
Lauren: That's so you to say that, my darling. Would you like me to cut up your steak for you?
Stephen: Keep your hands on your side of the table.
Lauren: Oh I'm just kidding around. I...I know we're just friends.


Stephen: My mom, all my friends, everyone made such a big deal when I said we were going to dinner.
Lauren: Shhhah. Yeah. I know, right? What is wrong with everyone? So, so what did you say to them?


Stephen: (actual line) Can't I just see a good friend? And have dinner with them? And can't it just be plutonic?

And here's the moment where you actually see Lauren die a little inside.


Ah, well, my dear. There are other fish in the sea.

God Loves Green

Allegedly, I am supposed to be getting my $600 stimulus check from the guv'ment some time this week. I'm still waiting, eagerly.

But in the meantime, I've got another entry for my list of other People Who Owe Me $600.

Trader Joe's customers who won't take their damn raffle tickets.

For those of you who don't shop at Trader Joe's, either because you don't have one in your city or because you hate fantastic value, organic products, and friendly service, allow me to explain.

In order to discourage their customers from using wasteful plastic and paper bags, Trader Joe's gives you a raffle ticket every time you bring your own bags-- either fancy canvas bags, or if you reuse old grocery bags.

After you pack up your groceries, you write your name on the little ticket, walk proudly passed the other check out aisles, toss it in the pot with a little smile of self-satisfaction, and you're entered to win the weekly prize: $25 in free groceries.

It's a nice little bonus for helping the environment.

But recently, something has been a little off. It started last week. I was checking out at Trader Joe's and as I began packing my little canvas tote, the cashier asked me, "Do you want a raffle ticket?"

"Shhhyeah. Duh."

"I ask now because some people don't want to take one."

"They don't want free groceries?! They don't like prizes?! Who doesn't like prizes!?"

"Well, they say they aren't in it for the free groceries, they're just helping the environment."

She swiped the last few remaining groceries across the scanner, while I processed what she said. Are people really like that?

And then last night, I got the answer to that question. Yes, some people ARE really like that. Some people are so freaking pious I want to punch them.

I stopped at Trader Joe's to pick up some champagne and snacks on my way to a get-together for my friend's birthday. I'm standing in line, looking around to see if anyone notices my impressive reusable bag. "Yes, I do care. I am green. Thank you. Thank you." And just when I'm convinced I'm the biggest loser in the line, I hear the guy in front of me turn down his raffle ticket!

Whaaaa?

"No that's ok. Keep it for someone else. I'm just happy to do my part."

Oh pa-lease! I'm sorry sir, but who the hell do you think you are? Just take the freaking ticket. Clearly no one is doing it for the $25 in groceries anyway. If that's why I was doing it, I would have quit after I failed to win for the 65th week in a row. It's just a little gift from Trader Joe's. They are trying to be nice!

After he left, I scooted up to the cashier. "Ha. I'll take his ticket if he doesn't want it," I said. I thought I'd make a little joke. And she would roll her eyes as if to say "Get a load of this guy!" and say something like "I know, right?!"

Instead she said, "We're only allowed one per customer."

6 Evil Triscuits

It's been roughly one week since I started Weight Watchers for the fourth time. I haven't weighed myself, but I suspect I've lost a hearty eighth of a pound. I'll be posing for Maxim in no time, fellas! I'm practically a stick figure!

In order to make the diet more doable, I've made some moderations so that it fits into my lifestyle.

- I'm not counting points for alcohol.
-Nor points for martini olives.
- I'm not counting points for anything that is "like a condiment" because I will start to feel like a real pyscho if I'm measuring out salad dressing or toast butter.
- I'm not following the plan from the hours of 6pm on Friday to 7am on Monday each week. Vengeful pig-outs are acceptable, but by no means required.

Everything is pretty much smooth sailing these days, but the first day was THE WORST. By about 11:45 am, I was ravenous and depressed. My poor coworker had to endure instant messages from me every 5 seconds that read "AH!" "Lame." "Dying." "Starving. Really."

I hadn't brought a lunch and I didn't really see many healthy options sitting in the office kitchen. "I'll just eat a low points snack," I said to myself, "And then get some lettuce for lunch."

So I rummaged around and selected a slice of pepper jack cheese. Ok, I knew this wasn't THE BEST idea, but it would fill me up with its tasty fatness. 2 points.

Then, to go with it, 6 triscuits. How bad could they be?

Well, they are 2 points. It seems a bit extreme if you ask me, but no one asked me. Because if Weight Watchers asked for my opinion, I'd have turned the diet into an all-you-can-eat pizza and burrito fest.

But I digress. So now for my teency, not at all satisfying snack, I'd consumed 4 points, leaving me with 2 points to go for lunch.

This meant, I got to eat a large apple. Boy was that ever filling. Wooo-weeee.

Determined not to cheat, I decided I'd have to make it to dinner with no more food. This meant 5 hours, having eaten, so far, a bowl of cereal, 6 triscuits, a piece of cheese, and an apple. Sigh.

Then, out of curiosity, I decided to see how much exercise I'd have to do to earn back 2 activity points and cancel out the triscuits.

And folks, I'd have to run 2 miles! 2 effing miles for the reward of 6 triscuits. No thank you! I'm never working out again.

At about 3, I was furiously starving. The smells of everyone else's lunches--lasagna heated in the microwave, take out from Poquito Mas --were making me drool all over my desk.

I had one diet coke, then another, then I felt vibratey and ill.

And also still hungry.

I decided to email my sister, also killing herself with Weight Watchers, for strength and inspiration.

She was not fairing well either. Our email correspondence went something like:

Me: I'm starving.

Katie: I was just going to email you and say that.

Me: This is so lame.

Katie: I tried to eat healthy. Did you know 99% fat free yogurt has 4 points? A bag of microwave popcorn is 2, thank God. I'm dying.

Me: I can't stop thinking about dinner. 2 glasses of wine is 3.5 points. But I'm not counting points for booze.

Katie: Me either! A BK Veggie burger is 7 points, 9 with mayo.

Me: But mayo is so tasty.

And so the emails continued throughout the day, until I got home, feeling weak and seeing spots, and made dinner while shoving potato chips into my face.

...I mean, potato chips? What potato chips? As you can see, there are no chips here on my points calculator so I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. NOW GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

But, you still ate them...

I SAID GOOD DAY!

Update: Catering Sucks Too Much

As many of you know, I've been working as a cater-waiter to try to make some extra money and dig myself out of my big heap o' debt.

And as you know, I have hated every minute of it. It's hard work, which involves a lot of running around. And being overly humble to snotty rich a-holes. And missing out on my weekends. And lifting heavy glass racks. Btw, not once did a male coworker step in and say "let me get that for you," when he saw me struggling to carry a heavy box or rack. I'm not old fashioned or anything, but it was plainly obvious that I couldn't lift something so heavy and I needed help!

The only pros to taking these gigs were that I was paid tax free. And usually my check was sent to me promptly.

Other than that, working catering events sort of made me want to die.

So a few weeks ago, I booked an event on April 26th (this past Saturday).

Of course, I forgot all about it until early last week when I got an email reminder and the message, "If you can't make it, that's fine, but please let me know."

I stared at my computer screen. My fingers hovered over the keyboard. "Just tell him you can't do it and you are out. No questions asked. Get on with your life," I said to myself.

Two days later, another email. "I will send you all of the details in the next few days. Again, please let me know if you can't make it."

I sighed. I debated. I clicked out of the email and then back into it a few times.

Finally, on Friday, I got the final SET IN STONE email. A wedding. 8 hours of work. Haul your ass all the way to the Palisades. Keep your hair pulled back and no big earrings. Shine your shoes. Remember to smile and enjoy yourself! Please wear white shirt instead of the regular black shirt.

And it was the white shirt that finally pushed me over the edge. I didn't have the right kind of white dress shirt, which would mean I'd have to go out on my lunch break to buy one. Which meant before this event had even started, I'd be like $20 in the hole.

Now, I began to wonder if it was all worth it.

I did the math in my head.



And so I emailed back and said, "I'm sorry I know I was confirmed to work, but something came up for my regular job."

I clicked send.

I apologized to the universe for lying. (I'm a horrible liar.)

I accepted that I'd never get asked to work another event. But even so, by turning down one, I'd effectively promised myself never to put myself through that hell again.

Then, I took a deep breath. And smiled a huge Grinch-That-Stole-Christmas-Smile to myself.

So I'm sorry to say that although I enjoyed writing about how much catering sucked, I won't have any further stories for you.

Actual post to come later, but first

New post on TvGasm.

http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/rock-the-cradle/rock-the-cradle-2-6869.php

White Horses, Free Snacks, and New Friends

Last night I went out to meet some of the other L.A. based writers for TVGasm. Everyone turned out to be awesome and we had a good time.

Also, I was reminded of how much I enjoy meeting new people because, in doing so, I often get to hear about new places in this big huge city I call home.

You see, in my natural state of being, I barely ever leave my apartment. And when I do, I like to go to the same handful of restaurants and bars. Places I know won't suck. And I don't like to go anywhere that requires more than 10 minutes of travel. I'm usually content with this arrangement.

But then every few weeks, I'll suddenly feel like I'm missing out on life. Someone will tell me about a park, or a restaurant, or a bar they went to, and I will, of course, have no idea where this place is. "Oh, it's downtown," they'll say. I have been downtown like 6 times...all for jury duty. Or they will tell me, "It's in Los Feliz." I've been in Los Feliz like 3 times, once by accident when I was trying to find my way back to the freeway from Hollywood. Also, Los Feliz is full of hipsters and I'm scared to go there and not look cool enough.

And last night, I heard about something called...are you ready for this?... PIRATE'S DINNER ADVENTURE.

I know, holy crap! How had I never heard of this place? You eat while actual battles take place on ships. WTF?! I love it already.

Anyway, my point is that I realize I've lived in Los Angeles for almost 4 years, and I'm familiar with about 1% of it. This is a sad fact!

So last night this meeting got me to actually go somewhere new, White Horse in East Hollywood.

It was like any other Hollywood dive bar-- red lighting, juke box, hip crowd, and the eerie feeling that a rock star once drank himself to death within its four walls.

But this place had something that I've never before seen in a bar: a kind grandma. She was the bartender, with her gray hair and her little blue sweatsuit. When I sat down at the bar and ordered a martini she responded, in her thick Russian accent, "OH! Jou look sixten. So young so young." And then she chuckled and started making my drink. "Der you go, sveethart," she said as she set the glass in front of me.

As I sipped my drink and waited for everyone else, she set out a bowl of pretzels. "Yay pretzels!" I exclaimed. (I get excited about things, ok?) "Yay pretzels!" she said back, laughing again. Then she set out a bowl of corn chips. And then a bowl of popcorn, shaken from a microwave bag. I looked behind her and saw a microwave already at work popping a second bag.

When a few of the others showed up, we moved to a table, bringing the snacks with us. On our way, I noticed she'd put out a big tray of cookies. Damn, she's good. Later, when two more people showed up, she approached us. "Please come sit over on coach." And so we did. Another employee, presumably her son, followed us with our bowls of snacks and set them on the coffee table.

Some time passed. And then, "Everyone. Have hot dog. Dey ready!" she announced while standing by the bar, setting a tray of hotdogs, already in their little buns, on a table with ketchup, mustard, and folded napkins. Oh, she is just too cute!

She came over to our table. "Why you no eat hog dog? Jou should get one. Dey very good!" And even though I don't eat meat and hadn't had a hot dog since I was like 12, I almost wanted to go eat one, just to make her happy.

Good Starts and Serious Character Flaws

I have to admit, I have a problem. A problem with "Good Starts." By which I mean that in my lifetime, I've set a lot of goals for myself. And every time I set a goal, I always have the best of intentions. And I set out to attain that goal, and it's always a really good start.

But then it's only a matter of time before my passion wains, and my interest in attaining that goal just sort of evaporates. And then, well, that's that. Another one bites the dust. So I move on to my next mission.

The Good Start has happened with hobbies (black & white photography, acoustic guitar), projects (3 original screenplays that haven't made it past page 12), and of course, career aspirations. Recently I told you about the time I wanted to be a lawyer. But what you don't know is that a few weeks after that, I researched which state school offered the best program in animal training. Yes, I wanted to train sea lions. And also, you don't know that I'm currently in my second post-college phase of "I don't really care what kind of job of I have, I just want to focus on my writing." (Although, to my credit, things are going better this time around.)

When I was younger and didn't know myself as well, I used to believe that I had the resolve and gumption to follow my dreams until I was on top of the world. And then I'd get really disappointed with myself when, inevitably, I'd push my dreams to the metaphorical back burner. Ah, it was adorable, really.

These days, when I make Good Starts I know there's a pretty good chance I'll never see em through to the end. Honestly, I'd be surprised if I did. I just go ahead and announce all of my new fabulous plans to whoever will listen, and it doesn't even matter any more if I have the slightest intention of carrying out my own agenda.

For example, this year I'm going to take ballet classes, volunteer at a soup kitchen, and paint the bedroom. Am I actually going to do any of those things? Hell if I know! It's always a possibility. And anyway, do you actually care? No, of course you don't! So what's to stop me from just saying whatever I please?

There's probably some psychological explanation for why I'm apparently unable to stick with any of my goals. Something about a fear of realizing my full potential. Or perhaps my inability to acknowledge my own limitations. For now, I'll just chalk it up to good ol' laziness.

Now that I've gotten that confession out of the way, I'd like to present to you my latest Good Start that I won't see through to the end: Weight Watchers.

What makes me so sure I won't stick to this new plan? Well, for starters, this is literally the fourth time I've started weight watchers.

The first time was in college when I was trying to lose the weight I put on during my semester abroad. I think I stuck with it for about a month and then my boyfriend dumped me and that all went to shit.

The second time was about 6 months after that, during the summer, when a coworker at TGI Friday's pointed toward my gut and asked "Are you pregnant?"

The third time was almost 3 years ago. My then-roommate and I signed up and, for the first time, I even went to meetings. Well, two meetings. I don't remember exactly when I quit, but it was shortly after I went to one of those all day music festivals, drank like 14 beers, and ate nothing but french fries and burritos. "Hmmm," I thought, "Eating a lot of shit is WAY more fun than not eating it." So I gave up dieting for good. And in the following months, I dropped 10 pounds. Go figure.

Then on Monday, my sister sent me an email saying that she was signing up for weight watchers online. Now, this is a little preposterous because she looks great. But I'm never one to argue with a woman who wants to lose weight. I know how it feels.

So when I read this email, I started to think maybe I would sign up too. Why not? It would be supportive of me. And kind of fun, maybe?

But I wasn't really feeling terribly motivated to start another diet after 3 good years of not giving a crap.

And weight watchers' portions are so little.

And they frown on weekly Taco Bell runs.

And even though I make a big deal about how much food I shove into my fat face, I'm not particularly overweight or anything. I don't usually admit this, but I like the way I look.

Also, I have a great ass. There. I said it.

Now where was I? Oh right, being really hard on myself for sucking at everything.

So anyway, I went back and forth all day long before I finally decided to just dive in and sign up. I even paid for 3 months in advance. I still wasn't really into the idea of dieting, but I like having the option to putz around with weight watchers' online tools when I'm bored at work. Plus, and I think every woman feels this way, it could never hurt to lose 5 pounds.

I realized, however, that Monday wasn't a good official start day. By the time I'd signed up, I'd already plowed my way through a Starbucks mocha with whipped cream, a toaster strudel, and the large vegetarian combo plate from a Greek restaurant. I'd already eaten my 20 points worth for the day...and then some.

Also, I had dinner plans that night with the girls and we were meeting at a Mexican restaurant. So I was sure I'd be eating even more crap. But I had an idea to look online and see what weight watchers wanted me to eat, and then maybe try to eat something similar at the restaurant.

Weight Watchers says:
3/4 cup spaghetti
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1 cup cooked broccoli
1 tsp parmesan cheese

"Ah, simple enough!" I thought to myself, "I'll just substitute 3 margaritas, an entire basket of tortilla chips, and a shrimp burrito that's roughly the same size as a roll of paper towels. Easy peasy."

And so I launched my fourth, and certainly not final, attempt to adhere to the weight watchers plan.

Updates and list of failures to follow...

THE HILLS RECAP: Justin/Bobby: New Hat, New Attitude

Before the recap, let me review some Hills gossip that unfolded during the week.

First of all, I learned (and I was probably the last to know) that Heidi launched her new clothing line, Heidiwood. While I want to hate the name of this line, I actually think it's pretty catchy. I can, however, hate the look of the clothes.


They are the sort of slutty, brightly colored little numbers that you would see in the shops along Hollywood blvd, displayed on a chipped-paint mannequin, near a pair of white patent leather, knee high, platform boots.

I actually went into an Anchor Blue store, where her line is featured, to check it out. There are about 6 total items of clothing, including 2 tight low cut dresses--one purple, one black, both designed for big fake boobs. I honestly don't know where, exactly, a woman is supposed to wear these outfits.

In other Hills news, Spencer and Heidi are probably going to get their own spin off show that follows the pair as they plan for their upcoming wedding. I think the title of this show should be "I'm With Stupid!"

I caught an interview with Heidi last night on E! news, during which she acknowledged that her new show is a real possibility, but that they are going to focus on one more season of The Hills first. Damn!

Enough of all this Heidi business. Now back to Lauren's boring life. Presenting last night's episode, "A New Roommate."



Without missing a beat, Lauren's ditched her overblown internship at Teen Vogue and started her new fake job at People's Revolution alongside old pal Whitney.

Aside from their policy of forcing new employees to come to work dressed in a bath towel, it seems like Lauren is really enjoying her new gig.

I do wish we'd gotten to see the scene where Lauren marches into Lisa Love's office to quit her internship. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. You're cool. I'm out!"

But anyway...

After a hard day of folding clothes and chatting with Whitney, Lauren is ready for a big night out on the town. Lo comes over to help Audrina and Lauren pick out clothes for the evening. In this scene, we can see the BFF dynamic shifting, with Lauren clearly favoring her chat with Lo.

Is there trouble in paradise now that Audrina is pals with Heidi again? And/or has Audrina had enough of Lauren's incessant bitching?


Audrina: Maybeh I should weah...this.
Lauren: I got an A in my imaginary class today! Say, "good job, Lauren."
Lo: GOOD JOB, LAUREN!
Audrina: Or I could weah this with these shoes.
Lauren: Ah-hem. I said, "Say 'good job.' "
Lo: What class was it in?
Lauren: Computer class.
Lo: Ooooh computers. Wow, you're smart.
Audrina: (Silence. Fiddles with clothes hangers.)
Lo: Tonight's gonna be awesome. Maybe Heidi will be there!
Lauren: (Glare) Are you kidding me? God, you're so annoying.



Meanwhile, in an identical apartment in Hollywood, Heidi and Stephanie are also getting ready to go out...to the same club as Lauren & Co.


Heidi: Do these shoes make me look slutty?
Stephanie: (sigh) Are they supposed to?
Heidi: Yes.
Stephanie: Then yes.
Heidi: Good. I want to look sexy, even if I don't plan on talking to guys tonight. Because tonight is all about my girls!
Stephanie: Wait, what? Is it girls night AGAIN?
Heidi: Of course! And I can't wait. After Spencer showed up for 5 minutes at girls night last time, I just really really need some time with my friends. You know, no guys. No drama.



Stephanie: (under her breath) Oh my god this is so depressing.
Heidi: What's that?
Stephanie: Nothing. It's just...Some of us LIKE to meet guys. Some of us are still trying to get laid here.
Heidi: You're so funny!
Stephanie: Fine, whatever. Let me get dressed. Can I borrow a shirt or something?
Heidi: Let me put you in something from my new collection, Heidiwood.
Stephanie: For fuck's sake...

And so all of the pretty young things head to Goa.

In this corner, we have team Lauren. (With crossover friend Audrina.)



And in this corner, we have team Heidi. (With crossover friend Stephanie.)


Heidi has spotted Justin/Bobby standing up at the bar. Blast from the past! I wondered what happened to that guy! Anyway, she wants to go over to Lauren's table to tell Audrina. Because everyone just loves to be told when their ex-boyfriend is around...

But Heidi is too afraid to approach the table.

Fortunately, Lauren gets up to get a drink. "Lo, come with me," she says. Could it be any more obvious that she hates Audrina these days?

In Lauren's absence, Heidi swoops in to reveal that Justin/Bobby is present. But eagle-eyed Lauren can spot a betrayal a mile away and is immediately incensed.
Lauren: (to Lo) Oh my god, Heidi is at our table talking to Audrina.
Lo: Do you want me to stab her?
Lauren: What is wrong with you?
Lo: It's just...then we could be roommates.
Lauren: Is that Justin/Bobby sitting with them now?


Yes it is. He's making a triumphant return, this time sporting an amish hat and van dyke beard. He nestles in with the girls and Audrina immediately begins lusting after him.

In a half hearted attempt to act natural, Lauren sits down with the whole gang. This lasts for about 2 minutes, before Lauren's back to her old ways, pitching a fit and acting like a big baby.


Lauren: I need to leave immediately.
Stephanie: Oh.
Lauren: Because, I mean, Heidi is such a bitch.
Stephanie: Yeah, that's...

Lauren stands, adjusts ill-fitting strapless dress.

Lauren: Let's go, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Oh, uh, I think I'm gonna stay here, actually.
Lauren: But I was wronged! Heidi is stealing all of MY friends!
Stephanie: Yeah...you don't really have any friends.
Lauren: I don't need to stand for this. Lo will take my side!
Stephanie: (Snorts laughter) Yeah. I bet she will.

So Lauren stomps off, dragging poor Lo with her. Audrina watches her leave, looking just the tiniest bit thrilled. And then, life carries on without Lauren. And it's a beautiful thing. Everyone laughs and smiles. The air feels lighter.

The next day, Lo drops by to see Lauren and to begin hatching a plot to live together. Apparently Lauren wants to leave her apartment and rent a house instead. Now, I know how difficult it is to find a rental house in LA, which means that unless homegirl moves to Van Nuys, I'll go ahead and assume MTV's bought her a little mansion.


And in this little mansion, Lauren wants to invite everyone to come live together. And by "everyone," she means just her and Lo. Because although they never say they want to find a way to squeeze Audrina out of the deal, they do say things like "Well, she wouldn't want to live with two other roommates anyway." Also, as I've pointed out continuously, it's clear Audrina's found her way onto Lauren's shit list.

But Audrina couldn't care less, because she's off rekindling her romance with Justin/Bobby.

I know what you're thinking. "But...he's awful!" And yes he was awful, but this season he appears to have really cleaned up his act.


Ok, he still makes unfortunate choices in head ware, but in this scene of the two of them, he actually speaks in coherent sentences instead of just sputtering out burps and out-of-date 70s slang words. And he says mind-boggling things like "I need to get my priorities straight," and "I've missed you." And he smiles! And he's actually pretty adorable.

Maybe I'm falling for his crazy ways. Welcome back, Justin/Bobby! I've missed you.

While one relationship appears to be on the up and up, Heidi and Spencer's continues to be a huge time-wasting trainwreck.

Heidi drops by Stephanie's apartment for a visit, but is surprised to learn that Stephanie isn't there. I don't know about you, but I can't remember a time since the invention of the cell phone when I haven't called before stopping by a friend's house. But ok, whatever Heidi, so what's up?



She decides to force herself to chat with Spencer instead, and begins yammering about, what else, but her recent encounters with Lauren. But Spencer, who I adore these days, interrupts her with "I don't really feel like hearing about you going out. You should come back when Stephanie's here." And then, as the dejected Heidi heads for the door, he adds a heartbreaking, "You look great." Ah! Poor dear!



The next day, Lo and Lauren head to lunch. Lo begins, "I was thinking more about the house..." But then Lauren chimes in with, "I haven't really talked to Audrina about it yet." Ah-ha! Of course you haven't. You little so and so.


Do you notice something here? She is wearing Justin/Bobby's old hat! This hat is pure evil and turns whoever wears it into the worse person on the show. Lauren, quick! Take it off before it's too late.

Lauren: Remember that night we met Justin/Bobby? Living with her would be like that all the time.
Lo: She brings dirty boys home.
Lauren: To be fair, they weren't all dirty. He was just exceptionally dirty.

Ok, too late. The hat's already taken effect. God, you are being such a jerk right now Lauren.

Just then, Audrina walks in. Commence awkward conversation:


Lo: So you went out with Justin/Bobby last night.
Audrina: Yeah...

Lo and Lauren exchange prodding glances as if saying "You say something." "No, you say something."

Lauren: So the lease is gonna be up soon. Have you thought about what you're gonna do?
Audrina: No...I guess I thought as my roommate you'd probably discuss it with me.
Lo: Hmm.
Audrina: I mean...
Lauren: Well we've been talking about getting a house.
Audrina: I'd be up for doing that.
Lo: It's just that Lauren and I have been friends for years.
Audrina: I don't get what that has to do with it.
Lauren: So we don't know if you'd be interested.
Audrina: Ok, I just said I would be.
Lo: The social aspect would be different, but good.
Audrina: Seriously. What are you talking about right now? I said I would live with you.
Lauren: Just something to think about.
Audrina: I will live with you if you want me to.
Lauren: Great!

Look, Audrina. You've been making great strides lately and this season you seem to be a lot more "with it." Which is why it surprises me that you didn't pick up on this third wheel position you've been shoved into.

Please, please, just go live by yourself. Or with Justin/Bobby. You don't need these two laming up your social life.