Tuesday, April 29, 2008

6 Evil Triscuits

It's been roughly one week since I started Weight Watchers for the fourth time. I haven't weighed myself, but I suspect I've lost a hearty eighth of a pound. I'll be posing for Maxim in no time, fellas! I'm practically a stick figure!

In order to make the diet more doable, I've made some moderations so that it fits into my lifestyle.

- I'm not counting points for alcohol.
-Nor points for martini olives.
- I'm not counting points for anything that is "like a condiment" because I will start to feel like a real pyscho if I'm measuring out salad dressing or toast butter.
- I'm not following the plan from the hours of 6pm on Friday to 7am on Monday each week. Vengeful pig-outs are acceptable, but by no means required.

Everything is pretty much smooth sailing these days, but the first day was THE WORST. By about 11:45 am, I was ravenous and depressed. My poor coworker had to endure instant messages from me every 5 seconds that read "AH!" "Lame." "Dying." "Starving. Really."

I hadn't brought a lunch and I didn't really see many healthy options sitting in the office kitchen. "I'll just eat a low points snack," I said to myself, "And then get some lettuce for lunch."

So I rummaged around and selected a slice of pepper jack cheese. Ok, I knew this wasn't THE BEST idea, but it would fill me up with its tasty fatness. 2 points.

Then, to go with it, 6 triscuits. How bad could they be?

Well, they are 2 points. It seems a bit extreme if you ask me, but no one asked me. Because if Weight Watchers asked for my opinion, I'd have turned the diet into an all-you-can-eat pizza and burrito fest.

But I digress. So now for my teency, not at all satisfying snack, I'd consumed 4 points, leaving me with 2 points to go for lunch.

This meant, I got to eat a large apple. Boy was that ever filling. Wooo-weeee.

Determined not to cheat, I decided I'd have to make it to dinner with no more food. This meant 5 hours, having eaten, so far, a bowl of cereal, 6 triscuits, a piece of cheese, and an apple. Sigh.

Then, out of curiosity, I decided to see how much exercise I'd have to do to earn back 2 activity points and cancel out the triscuits.

And folks, I'd have to run 2 miles! 2 effing miles for the reward of 6 triscuits. No thank you! I'm never working out again.

At about 3, I was furiously starving. The smells of everyone else's lunches--lasagna heated in the microwave, take out from Poquito Mas --were making me drool all over my desk.

I had one diet coke, then another, then I felt vibratey and ill.

And also still hungry.

I decided to email my sister, also killing herself with Weight Watchers, for strength and inspiration.

She was not fairing well either. Our email correspondence went something like:

Me: I'm starving.

Katie: I was just going to email you and say that.

Me: This is so lame.

Katie: I tried to eat healthy. Did you know 99% fat free yogurt has 4 points? A bag of microwave popcorn is 2, thank God. I'm dying.

Me: I can't stop thinking about dinner. 2 glasses of wine is 3.5 points. But I'm not counting points for booze.

Katie: Me either! A BK Veggie burger is 7 points, 9 with mayo.

Me: But mayo is so tasty.

And so the emails continued throughout the day, until I got home, feeling weak and seeing spots, and made dinner while shoving potato chips into my face.

...I mean, potato chips? What potato chips? As you can see, there are no chips here on my points calculator so I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. NOW GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

But, you still ate them...



JenBun said...

This is entirely too stressful!

Don't count things that start with C:

-chips (different kind. Potato vs. tortilla?)

Katelin said...

Oh man I don't know if I could count points and what have you. I have no self control whatsoever, oy.

cOm said...

"Because if Weight Watchers asked for my opinion, I'd have turned the diet into an all-you-can-eat pizza and burrito fest."

ok... i'm joining the diet you've designed!!!

Tia said...

weight watchers can suck it. counting points always makes me want to jump off a bridge.

i'm doing the subway diet.

that basically means i'm shoving sandwiches down my throat numerous times a day, and eating baked lays as though they were rice cakes.

i'll let you know how it goes.

Peter said...

That sounds awful. If my meal is delayed 5 minutes, I start getting the urge to kill.

Also, and this will make you hate me, but I put on about 20 lbs in the past year and everyone is telling me how much better I look.

mindy said...

Well I know I now hate Peter.

This diet sounds insane. I do not support it. Dieting always makes me do things like shove potato chips down my throat in a fit of rage, and then I end up eating more than if I had just never dieted at all.

That said, let's just say no one is going to be joining the Mindy Diet any time soon if they're looking to slim down.

Julie_Gong said...

my friend was on weight watchers for awhile and knew the points for everything. it was annoying and only made me eat more because i could.

i heart potato chips especially with dip.

i'm starving now...

surviving myself said...

so just stop the diet.

Hollywood Sucker said...

jenbun- Coronas! Candy! Cookies! Chex Mix!

Katelin- Yeah me either, truthfully.

com- Oh good! And then later in life, we can travel the world as circus performers. We can call ourselves the Hippo Twins.

Tia- Yes, do tell. Maybe I will switch. I'm telling you what I'll never do: That thing where you eat 2 bowls of Special K every day. YIKES!

Peter- Well that's just how it is for guys. I can deal with it. But you're on thin ice.

Mindy- I like the sound of your diet. It sounds a lot like my pizza and burrito fest diet. Let's combine them. We'll make millions! Cha-ching!

Julie- I promised myself I would only talk points with my sister because she is on it too.

Surviving- Clearly, you've missed the point. This is fabulous blog fodder! And if it makes you feel like I'm less psychotic, I am eating a toaster strudel right now. Mmmm.

Peter said...

mindy: You already love-hated me.

HS: I appreciate your patience with me. I'm assuming you read my comment immediately after having a snack.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

my coworker and i want to start a diet club called "fluctuaters.com" because of our prodigious abilities to swell without a moment's notice to elephantine proportions, and then shrink back down to non-circus people sizes within a week's time. Pros: helpful, supportive environs and fellow members who help you rationalize Ice Cream When Sad. cons: no real progress in the weight loss department. plus we whine a lot about being bloated.

I think you look great. When I come to california we should hang out and drink point-free booze.

Inono said...

Ugh. 2 miles for triscuits? I want to cry. I'm doing Jenny Craig, and the hardest part for me is that every drive-thru calls me. There are something like 35 fast food joints on my drive from work to home. Torture!

Barry said...

I don't believe in diets. Whenver I feel like losing some weight I just go crazy exercising. Of course then my appetite goes crazy and I eat my weight in bacon the next day.

Maybe this is why I've gained about 20 pounds...

Abe Froman said...

Repeat after me: Free Foods

Hungry during the day? Have a mess of baby carrots dipped in light dressing - 1 pt for the dressing. Belly full.

Hungry after dinner? Slice up a giant English cucumber and add some light dressing - 1 pt for the dressing. Belly full.

I have about 6 different light dressings in my fridge now. Something for every mood. If you don't mind the taste of fat-free dressing, go for it and 1 pt become 0 pts.

Open the fridge right after clearing your dinner plate? Have a big Claussen pickle - Free.

Need something in your belly so you can sleep? Hebrew National has 97% fat-free beef hot dogs that are tasty and only 1 pt. Heat one up in the microwave or gobble them cold like I do and get to bed.

If you look at some of the food lists with an eye on filling your belly with volume (like this 6' guy did), you can probably find other alternatives you'd like.

Craving fats and sweets is a struggle, but there is no reason you should be going hungry.