Good Starts and Serious Character Flaws

I have to admit, I have a problem. A problem with "Good Starts." By which I mean that in my lifetime, I've set a lot of goals for myself. And every time I set a goal, I always have the best of intentions. And I set out to attain that goal, and it's always a really good start.

But then it's only a matter of time before my passion wains, and my interest in attaining that goal just sort of evaporates. And then, well, that's that. Another one bites the dust. So I move on to my next mission.

The Good Start has happened with hobbies (black & white photography, acoustic guitar), projects (3 original screenplays that haven't made it past page 12), and of course, career aspirations. Recently I told you about the time I wanted to be a lawyer. But what you don't know is that a few weeks after that, I researched which state school offered the best program in animal training. Yes, I wanted to train sea lions. And also, you don't know that I'm currently in my second post-college phase of "I don't really care what kind of job of I have, I just want to focus on my writing." (Although, to my credit, things are going better this time around.)

When I was younger and didn't know myself as well, I used to believe that I had the resolve and gumption to follow my dreams until I was on top of the world. And then I'd get really disappointed with myself when, inevitably, I'd push my dreams to the metaphorical back burner. Ah, it was adorable, really.

These days, when I make Good Starts I know there's a pretty good chance I'll never see em through to the end. Honestly, I'd be surprised if I did. I just go ahead and announce all of my new fabulous plans to whoever will listen, and it doesn't even matter any more if I have the slightest intention of carrying out my own agenda.

For example, this year I'm going to take ballet classes, volunteer at a soup kitchen, and paint the bedroom. Am I actually going to do any of those things? Hell if I know! It's always a possibility. And anyway, do you actually care? No, of course you don't! So what's to stop me from just saying whatever I please?

There's probably some psychological explanation for why I'm apparently unable to stick with any of my goals. Something about a fear of realizing my full potential. Or perhaps my inability to acknowledge my own limitations. For now, I'll just chalk it up to good ol' laziness.

Now that I've gotten that confession out of the way, I'd like to present to you my latest Good Start that I won't see through to the end: Weight Watchers.

What makes me so sure I won't stick to this new plan? Well, for starters, this is literally the fourth time I've started weight watchers.

The first time was in college when I was trying to lose the weight I put on during my semester abroad. I think I stuck with it for about a month and then my boyfriend dumped me and that all went to shit.

The second time was about 6 months after that, during the summer, when a coworker at TGI Friday's pointed toward my gut and asked "Are you pregnant?"

The third time was almost 3 years ago. My then-roommate and I signed up and, for the first time, I even went to meetings. Well, two meetings. I don't remember exactly when I quit, but it was shortly after I went to one of those all day music festivals, drank like 14 beers, and ate nothing but french fries and burritos. "Hmmm," I thought, "Eating a lot of shit is WAY more fun than not eating it." So I gave up dieting for good. And in the following months, I dropped 10 pounds. Go figure.

Then on Monday, my sister sent me an email saying that she was signing up for weight watchers online. Now, this is a little preposterous because she looks great. But I'm never one to argue with a woman who wants to lose weight. I know how it feels.

So when I read this email, I started to think maybe I would sign up too. Why not? It would be supportive of me. And kind of fun, maybe?

But I wasn't really feeling terribly motivated to start another diet after 3 good years of not giving a crap.

And weight watchers' portions are so little.

And they frown on weekly Taco Bell runs.

And even though I make a big deal about how much food I shove into my fat face, I'm not particularly overweight or anything. I don't usually admit this, but I like the way I look.

Also, I have a great ass. There. I said it.

Now where was I? Oh right, being really hard on myself for sucking at everything.

So anyway, I went back and forth all day long before I finally decided to just dive in and sign up. I even paid for 3 months in advance. I still wasn't really into the idea of dieting, but I like having the option to putz around with weight watchers' online tools when I'm bored at work. Plus, and I think every woman feels this way, it could never hurt to lose 5 pounds.

I realized, however, that Monday wasn't a good official start day. By the time I'd signed up, I'd already plowed my way through a Starbucks mocha with whipped cream, a toaster strudel, and the large vegetarian combo plate from a Greek restaurant. I'd already eaten my 20 points worth for the day...and then some.

Also, I had dinner plans that night with the girls and we were meeting at a Mexican restaurant. So I was sure I'd be eating even more crap. But I had an idea to look online and see what weight watchers wanted me to eat, and then maybe try to eat something similar at the restaurant.

Weight Watchers says:
3/4 cup spaghetti
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1 cup cooked broccoli
1 tsp parmesan cheese

"Ah, simple enough!" I thought to myself, "I'll just substitute 3 margaritas, an entire basket of tortilla chips, and a shrimp burrito that's roughly the same size as a roll of paper towels. Easy peasy."

And so I launched my fourth, and certainly not final, attempt to adhere to the weight watchers plan.

Updates and list of failures to follow...