Maybe I Should Just Marry the TV

I've always been a little obsessed with wedding reality shows, even though the couples on them are always incredibly corny, the wedding planners are over-the-top obnoxious, and the decorating ideas are always hideous. These days I watch Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?, a show about wedding planners and the brides that hire them, Bridezillas, a show about bitches, and Rock The Reception, where a couple works with choreographers for a crazy first dance.

And now that I'm (slowly) planning my own wedding, I've been even more addicted to these shows. I tivo them and watch 3 or 4 in a row.

The other day, I came across a wedding show I'd never heard of before. It was called Wedding Altered, and I believe it originally aired in 2004. The premise of this show is that a couple gets a free wedding and a free wedding planner, but the bride has to hand over the reigns to the groom. He gets to make all of the decisions and she doesn't find out anything until she shows up on her wedding day, at the terrible place he picked, and is handed her terrible wedding gown.

In this particular episode, the groom was a complete douche who wanted the theme to be reminiscent of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, specifically the part when you first get on the ride and it's a night-time scene and your boat floats by the patio that's a real restaurant. And you can smell the water that hasn't been changed since the 1950s and you can hear the little machine sounds of the robot villagers. He wants that.

Neat.

Also, he picked a freaking site that's just in a heap of dirt on some kind of park grounds that look like a day camp, even though the bride's one request was to not have an outdoor wedding. He picked shrimp for the dinner even though the bride hates shellfish. And the wedding gown he selected was this tight little number with a slit that went from hip to floor, even though the bride did not want to look like a whore.

Then the bride showed up and cried and cried all her way through the ceremony and the groom, with his head still totally up his ass said, "I can't tell if she's crying because she hates it or because she's so happy to be marrying me."

It's because she hates it.

This show got me thinking about what would happen if I left Devin in charge of all of our wedding plans and I didn't have a say. Could I, hypothetically, be on this Wedding Altered show and stay sequestered in my apartment while Devin trounced around town with a wedding planner catering to his every whim?

What would that wedding look like?

-Groom wears Wilco t-shirt, camouflage shorts, flip flops.
-Bride wears Princess Leia gold bikini.
-Wedding party walks down the aisle to Rocky theme song.
-Food served: chicken wings, hot dogs, and freezer burnt old ground beef, cooked in a frying pan with tomato sauce and seasoned with everything in the spice cabinet, particularly garlic salt.
-Entertainment provided by bagpiper and man in a yetti costume.

Well, I guess that doesn't sound SO bad.