Of our three pets, Sergeant Laser J. Fletcher, or "Sarge," is the worst. I say this lovingly, of course, but he's a real asshole. He doesn't let you hold him. He tries to bite your hand when you pet him. Every morning he jumps up onto my bedside table and screams in my face until I feed him. He doesn't come out of the bedroom unless he's hungry. I'm pretty sure none of our friends believe he exists. Whenever we mention him they ask, "Where is he?" Oh, he's just where he always is, sitting on top of the shelves in the back corner, by the air conditioner, where he stares at us and occasionally emits little squeaking noises when he yawns.
Why do we tolerate such lousy pet behavior? Because of this:
He is so impossibly cute.
So anyway, yesterday morning, I was getting ready for work when I heard Devin in the other room. "Sarge peed on the floor."
"No he didn't." I walked out, mascara wand still in hand, to inspect the alleged pee. There was a small puddle on the hardwood floor.
"That's not from him. It must have been Seamus." Now I don't know why I went and blamed the dog when he has no history of ever having an accident inside the house. In fact, it is Sarge who has peed on things many many times, though that was when he was still a kitten. (And a few months ago in a pile of dirty laundry...)
"He must not like the new litter you bought them," Devin concluded.
In one of my recent I'm Going To Save The Environment moves, I bought natural pine pellets from Trader Joe's instead of their usual Arm & Hammer cat litter. I figured they'd enjoy using natural pine instead of whatever mystery substance makes up regular cat litter. Perhaps I was wrong about this...but the jury was still out on who peed on the floor and why.
Then this morning as I was in and out of sleep, I felt Sarge jump onto the bed. He sat still for a moment down by our feet. "Oh yay!" I thought to myself. He never sits on the bed with us. This is such a treat. And just like that, he hopped back down.
I fell back asleep.
It must have only been for a few minutes, and then I opened my eyes again and immediately noticed something felt weird down at my feet. No, wait, not weird. Wet. Yes it's wet.
I sat up and noticed there was a big ol' puddle on the blanket.
So this morning I made a special trip to the store to buy his precious normal kitty litter. I was afraid if I left it until after work, he'd spend the day peeing all over our new couch.
When I got back from the store, I changed his litter and put out a new dish of food. Then I walked into our bedroom where Sarge was sitting, as usual, on top of the shelves. I stared at him. He stared at me. Then he made a "AAaaannnmmm" sort of noise.
I decided to take that as a thank you.