Monday, February 18, 2008

And then there were the Matterhorn Bobsleds

Usually when the boyfriend and our neighbors smoke pot, the outcome is annoying and/or messy. But on Saturday afternoon they actually had a bright idea: Let's all go to Disneyland! True, the idea would've been brighter at 11am, rather than the current time of 3:40pm, but eh, why not? I desperately needed something to do, seeing as my only accomplishments for the day so far included watching 2 movies and making my way through an entire tray of Pillsbury Grands Biscuits (3 down, 5 to go!).

Here is a timeline of the rest of my day.

3:45- The boyfriend leaves the apartment to tell the neighbors I am in on the plan. I turn my attention back to the TV, where I had been watching The Last Kiss, which despite Zach Braff's complete lack of charm, has been thoroughly entertaining me for the last hour.

4:00- Shoot. I was supposed to get ready. I call my sister to rope her into this, and while on the phone I begin ransacking the dirty laundry pile, desperately searching for something to wear. Why, oh why had I wasted all morning when I should have been doing laundry?

4:10- The boyfriend returns to the apartment just as I'm about to get in the shower. Never one to shower unless it's absolutely necessary, I check with him that we are definitely still going. Yes we are. Really? Yes. Ffffine.

4:25- Now dressed and in the middle of applying mascara, the boyfriend announces, "I don't know if we're going. I mean, I'll go check with those guys. I don't know." Hmm, outstanding. Oh well, I suppose I needed to get dressed anyway.

4:30- Ok, yes we are still going. So ready set, 1-2-3, let's go!

4:40- No progress. I am now pacing back and forth while eating biscuit number 4.

4:50- We stand in the courtyard. Everyone is present and ready to go.

5:00- We actually leave the courtyard and head to our cars.

5:03- At last, we're on the freeway. In just 30 minutes we'll be arriving in the happiest place on earth. (Is that the slogan for Disneyland, btw? I couldn't really recall. It's either that or "Disneyland: It's magical" or something)

5:45- Ok, so we clearly underestimated the traffic situation and we are barely out of downtown. The sun is setting. I am sleepy and wondering what movies I'm missing on HBO.

6:45- We approach the Disneyland exit. Having been here about a dozen times, I know exactly how to get to the parking lot. Yet when neighbor honks his horn and tells me I'm in the wrong lane, I move over and follow his lead anyway. Follow his lead in the completely wrong direction, while wondering exactly why I doubted myself and trusted him when the last thing he said before we got in separate cars was that he hadn't been to Disneyland since he was a kid.

7:00- At last, our cars are parked and we wait for the tram to the main entrance.

7:10- Tram arrives.

7:15- We're in line for tickets. Do you know how much it costs to go to Disneyland? $66! It's even more if you want to go to California Adventure too. And there is no discount even though we're the late night stragglers who are only going to have a few hours of park time.

7:20- Hooray, we are here. Now everyone has to pee. Find a bathroom, ASAP.

7:25- We all reconvene after the bathroom.

7:30- We're cold and need hot cocoa before we go any further.

7:50- Clearly everyone else had the same brilliant idea because the coffee shop was swamped. Anyway, to Space Mountain!

8:45- Five hours after deciding to go to Disneyland, we are nestled in our carts for Space Mountain, the best ride ever.

8:48- The ride is over. Now what?

8:55- We get in line for the Matterhorn Bobsleds since they are close by.

9:15- The ride's over. I remember that being a lot better. Ok, now everyone is starving. But we all want proper dinner later so we go on the hunt for snacks.

9:20- Somewhere near It's A Small World, we take a disastrous wrong turn. Apparently everyone else in the park is standing by the castle awaiting the fireworks because there is NO ONE else back here. Are we supposed to be here? It's scary in the Disney badlands. I keep picturing at any turn I'm going to see Donald and Pluto sitting against a building, smoking crack and coming on to that girl dressed as Princess Jasmine. Or worse, maybe the Small World children will all grow fangs and come to life.

9:27- After 2 hours of driving, two rides, and $66 a piece, we decide we're over Disneyland.

9:30- We're approaching civilization, or Main street U.S.A. I'm busting a move for the exit to get out of this damn place when I notice one by one, my companions have all fallen behind. Where are they going?

9:31- Everyone is standing in line at the cart that sells turkey legs. Sick.

9:35- While gnawing away on slimey, enormous turkey legs and schmearing fat and sauce all over their faces, my friends and I look up to the sky to watch the fireworks. Our view is 65% obstructed by trees.

9:45- The fireworks are still bang banging away. God these are boring. Fireworks are so fucking boring. My sister, the only other person not embalmed with turkey grease at this point, is equally as bored out of her skull and so we attempt to shuffle our gang toward the exit.

9:46- No luck. They are transfixed.

10:15- We've finally made our way out of the park, over to a restaurant in Downtown Disney, and at last, I have in front of me the one thing I came to Disneyland for: a dirty martini.


PrincessPolly said...

66 dollars for a couple of hours?? That sucks. At least you got rewarded with alcohol at the end though . . .:)

J-Money said...

OK the part about the Small World tots growing fangs? Just made me spew a mouthful of Vault all over my keyboard. Yes, Vault. Drinks like a soda, Tastes like a public pool.

You, my friend, are awesome.

Peter said...

I feel like you vastly undertold the mascara-applying portion of the story.

Hollywood Sucker said...

princess polly- well sometimes money is just for wasting, you know?

j money- I have never heard of vault. did you make it up?

peter- what is it with you and make up?!

percillamaymarshmellow said...

You forgot to mention how gross it is that you have to sit inside someone's legs to go on the matterhorn (not "Matador" as I mistakenly called it while we were there.) It was okay for all you couples, but I had to nestle in to the crotch of our stinky foreign friend!

Hollywood Sucker said...

Percilla- I'm sorry you had to sit in his crotch but you win some you lose some, or something.

Julie_Gong said...

I don't know but that sounded simply wonderful. Almost as good as what I did on Saturday. Drove 5 hours to Niagara Falls. Ate dinner. Slept in the biggest hotel bed ever. Drove home. No alcohol was involved. At all.

Anonymous said...

oh man, that sounds like one big day of crappiness.

and I hate zach braff.

Felix for Zosia said...

I agree with you - fireworks are boring. I don't understand why people get excited by them. In fact, they are so boring that I have just bored myself by writing about them...

Hollywood Sucker said...

Julie Gong- Are you SURE you weren't drinking? I can smell your booze breath from here.

Survivingmyself- Well space mountain wasn't crappy! Actually, it was fun, but I can't seem to get words out without them sounding like complaints. So.

Felix- Stop talking about fireworks, please. I'm going to fall asleep right now. Are you trying to get me fired? (ha)

nicoleantoinette said...

I haven't been to Disneyland in forever and was totally going to go last weekend until I went online and saw the prices. I was like "Disneyland, or.. groceries and gas?"

ps- Pillsbury Grands Biscuits rule all.

Mars said...

i wish i lived a life where going to disneyland for the afternoon was an option!

Hollywood Sucker said...

Nicole- yes i never realized how expensive it was! I used to work for Disney so I got to go for free all the time.

Mars- I'd like a life where I can go to Australia for the day. So there!

Mask said...

Who knew Disneyland was such a headache?

J money did not invent it, Vault is real, its a Coke byproduct.

Oh, and fireworks are only fun when your the one lighting them.

Justin said...

Theme park turkey legs are amazing. Eating one is essentially a license to pretend to be a viking. Ironically, you may be pretending to be a viking in a park that actually has performers dressed as vikings.

To add this post I had to type in a security word for verification. Generally, I have a hard time viewing these words because I'm an idiot. This was a rather confusing series of letters, primarily because the tracking on the typography was so smashed.

Here's what it gave me: hdrrpmph.

Hollywood Sucker said...

Mask- Thanks for the vault info. Also, you should get a job lighting fireworks for Disneyland if you enjoy lighting them so much. These ones were nuts.

Justin- Oh man! You eat those giant turkey legs too? And do you mean to tell me you've seen them at other theme parks? Why can't they just stay where they belong: Renaissance Festivals.

mindy said...

$66??? That is absurd. In Minnesota we would say something like "ohhhh my goooodness, that is a whole lotta money fer just a few hours!" And we'd whine about it. A lot.

Also, I think turkey legs should stay where they belong too: on turkeys!

Inono said...

Have you heard that they are temporarily closing down the "Its a Small World" ride because they have to dig a deeper river? Passengers are fatter now than they were when the ride was first created (the 60s?), so the boats are hitting ground and won't move. I'm sure the turkey legs don't help anything.

Hollywood Sucker said...

Mindy- Good point. They should stay on turkeys!

inono- Holy crap, that's hilarious! Fatties!

voiceinmyhead said...

great stuff here, i'm sitting in my cube trying to keep from bursting out laughing. cuz THAT is a dead give-away that i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing...i'm gonna add you to my blog list!

Hollywood Sucker said...

voiceinmyhead- Oh my I am so flattered! Thanks!

Mask said...

I've been a suspect in an arson case before.. I'll pass, but in truth ones like Disney are probably less Zippo, and more button-pushing.