Monday, February 25, 2008

I'm Not Cool

On Saturday, I went out with about 8 other girls to a club in Hollywood. When I wasn't busy making disgusted faces at my friends in response to the unfortunately gelled hair stylings of guys passing our table, I was slumped in our booth, thinking of what angle I would take when blogging about the evening. I decided on, "No One I Know Is Cool." And at the time I was certain that "No One I Know Is Cool" was a clever title sure to precede a work of literary brilliance. But now, in the light of day and with the self-congratulatory drunken fogginess all cleared, I don't know exactly what I was talking about.

But maybe what I meant was, I'm Not Cool. Because I'm not.

Reason #1- That night, underneath my knee-high "suede" boots from Target, I was wearing 2 different socks. One was Halloween themed, and featured smiling bats and pumpkins over a yellow, orange and grey argyle pattern; the other was Christmas themed, with a smattering of tiny candy canes and holly clumps. And I can't even spin this to say that it's because I'm cool in the way that I just like to wear weird socks. No, I really just couldn't find any matching or non-holiday socks while I was getting dressed.

Reason #2- In front of the club were two lines. One, the long line for people who didn't have bottle service and who had to declare how many girls were in their party before being considered for admittance. The other line was short, and all you had to do was give your name and presto! you're in and the envy of your peers. I, by some odd turn of events, was actually in the short line. This makes me cool, right? Not so much. It started to rain, lightly, before we entered. While some of my friends moved under a nearby tent, I decided instead to block the rain by putting my hands over my head. And then when rain started getting through the spaces between my hands, I started waving them wildly around in the air, thinking that this would guarantee more overhead coverage. Cool.

Reason #3- At some point in my old age, I've become a bad dancer. I used to be good, really! Some (none) would even call me sexy! I blame this on my background in ironic dance moves. You know what I mean, when you make a funny face that says "I'm just kidding about what I'm doing right now" while you move your legs and arms in terribly off-beat and exaggerated ways. Or, and this is too uncool even for me, you do moves like Shopping For Groceries or Driving the Bus. It was something I discovered during middle school dances as a way to cope with how extremely uncomfortable I was. But now I don't even MEAN to dance ironically. It. Just. Happens. I try to move my hips and be very serious about it all, but it just ends up looking like I'm joking. Or, if I'm really really not paying attention to what I'm doing, I end up busting out with the Mom Dances. If you don't immediately know what I mean, perhaps you can recall going to some kind of outdoor festival with your parents as a kid. Like a jazz festival or state fair or community picnic. Something with live music, a band that plays Dire Straits covers, perhaps. And you'd look around at the crowd, all of the moms with a few draft beers in their system, just happy to get out of the house. Feeling young again. And then they do the Mom Dance. And it's all stepping from one foot to the next. And clapping. AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS NOW WHEN I DANCE.

Of course, I had fun anyway. But I have concluded that perhaps I am better suited for, and indeed prefer, what I call "sweat pants activities." These include: watching TV, eating while watching TV, drinking while watching TV, and playing Rock Band with the neighbors.


A Lover and a Fighter said...

So we had a professor in college who excelled at mom dancing. He gave it his own special little nuances, though. He started with the choreographic roux, if you will, of the stepping from one foot to the other and clapping. Oh sure. But then, to make things interesting, he also kind of bounced up and down by sudden knee bends, and he would shake his head and maybe close his eyes sometimes. That's why we all used to say, reverently, "Roger dances like a giant baby."

I am bad at going to clubs but i feel if sweatpants were considered appropriate club wear, I'd be great at it. I'd be like the LiLo of the sweatpants club scene.

Sorry for the epic comment. You inspire such quiet backlash in me. Good post.

Peter said...

It really is all about sweat pants activities.

And baseball caps. I don't even want to know the name of any place that won't allow me to wear a cap.

And what's wrong with Dire Straits?

mindy said...

Wait---you're not supposed to wear sweatpants to clubs?

This explains a lot.

J-Money said...

We appear to have the same dancing skills, although I sometimes throw in more advanced moves like "Stepped In A Hornet's Nest" and "Hovering Over the Denny's Toilet".

We need to start our own sweatpant and holiday sock-oriented club.

Hollywood Sucker said...

lover/fighter- I wish I could see this Roger dance. If I did ever see him, I would sing him a song to the tune of Safety Dance. "Roger Dance Roger Dance, everybody look at his hands" clap clap

peter- NOTHING is wrong with Dire Straits. They rule. I am just saying I remember these bands always playing Dire Straits songs. That and "Taking Care of Business."

mindy- You aren't allowed to wear them to most clubs. But you can come to my club- Club Lazy Bum - any time you want! Sweat pants, cheap wine, and unbrushed hair are welcome!

j-money- Yes, good idea for the club. And then we can go to senior centers and teach our dance moves.

Kris said...

Yeah, I'm all about the sweatpants, TV, lounging around and munching on snacks more so than I am about going out. There's something more fulfilling about these acts verses "the scene." However, every now and then, every girl needs a 'lil Girls' Night. I only wish I had neighbors to play with like you do. No one's too friendly in my building... weep!

Anonymous said...

love how the place you were at and the place i was at on Saturday sound exactly the same, even though we're on completely other ends of the country.

Hollywood Sucker said...

kris- I want to be home wearing sweat pants RIGHT NOW. I've got to stop talking about stuff like this while stuck at work.

survivingmyself- I was thinking the same thing after reading your post today. Let's go back to these two bars and see if we can find any tiny doors that lead to direct portals between the two of them.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I think the Mom Dance is cool - but then maybe I am also in the uncool pool of people...

JenBun said...

Hollywood Sucker, I heart you and your blog!

I'm not sure how I found it (Mindy? Peter? feel free to give credit to your favorite blogger), but I have read all your archives now, and I cracked up! You are hilarious, what with the wit and the self-deprecating humor and the pictures... oh the pictures!

Anyway, I am immediately adding you to my blogroll so that I can read you each and every single day!!! This is not the last you'll be hearing from me... =)

P.S. I was in Hollywood this weekend, and I had just been reading your blog on Friday afternoon right before leaving work (so you were clearly on my mind! I'm not a weirdo stalker! Really.), and I actually said, out loud, to my friend, "You know, Hollywood Sucker could be here somewhere!" He has no idea who you are or what I was talking about, so he just nodded. I'm cool like that.

Anonymous said...

done and done.

should i bring something if it works? what's your favorite candy bar?

Hollywood Sucker said...

nico- Hasn't anyone ever told you it's hip to be square. And, now that I think about it, I can totally picture moms doing the Mom Dance to Hip To Be Square

jenbun- You are so flattering I just wanna buy you a car! And, are you an LA person too?

survivingmyself- I'd like a peanut butter twix. Or the cash equivalent. We better plan this better or we're going to bump heads while traveling through the portal.

nicoleantoinette said...

This, all of this, is why I don't go to clubs, haha.

I am all kinds of familiar with making faces to imply "I'm just kidding about what I'm doing right now," even though I'm usually not kidding, I just need people to not think I'm a complete asshat.

Anonymous said...

excellent choice.

i'd like a keychain with the hollywood sign on it.

JenBun said...

No-- I lived in LA briefly, but now I live in Sandy Eggo, and I just end up in LA a lot!

Anonymous said...

#3 made me want to cry.
and laugh. a lot.