Friday, February 22, 2008

Good news, everyone!

Peace on earth! At last! Have you heard?

All wars have ended on good terms. Everyone on the planet has converted to a wondrous new religion. We've got a cure for cancer, a cure for AIDS, a cure for every major disease, in fact. Hell, we've even cured obesity. Go humans! Universal healthcare for everyone! Genocide? A thing of the past! And the economic crisis? Solved! Seriously. No more poverty. The third world has been upgraded to first world. Clean drinking water for everyone! Child labor and child prostitution have given way to child cookie decorating festivals and water slide races. All terrorists have died from syphilis. No one makes crystal meth any more- they mix up pitchers of refreshing crystal light fruit punch instead! And while we're on the topic of drugs, did you know that no one is addicted to anything any more. It's the weirdest thing! I mean, sure, everyone is smoking pot now that it's been legalized here in the U.S., but since pot heads aren't considered criminals any more, it's done wonders for that teency problem of over-crowded prisons. Well, and really there is no crime any more now that everyone is given a fair shot in life. This, of course, solves the problem of gang warfare-- and perfect timing too, because they are going to need plenty of teenagers to fill the classrooms of the new, state of the art, spacious, well equipped and well funded public schools that are springing up all over the world! And what a beautiful world it is, too. Especially since all cars run on garbage and that whole global warming thing has cooled off. I think it helps, too, that everyone decided they preferred the look of forests, wet lands, and deserts to Wal Marts and cookie-cutter housing developments. And when I came into work today, I didn't see that a swastika had been spray painted on the wall of the warehouse across the street. What am I forgetting? Oh yeah, our government has TOTALLY righted itself. Every country has a democracy. Everyone agrees on everything. All music sounds great, all food is good for you, and once a week we have global "hug a stranger" hour.

Or at least, this is what I am left to conclude after last night's ABC News decided there was no better way to fill an hour than to spend 2 whole minutes on a piece about how 40 years ago, the movie Mary Poppins made a mistake.

I know, alarming! Apparently during the song Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (or however the fuck it's spelled), she made a mistake in the part of the song where she sings it backwards. HOLY CRAP!

You can watch this critical news story here. (I think you have to watch a commercial first.) If you look into Charles Gibson's eyes, you can see he is dying a little bit inside when he introduces this piece.

7 comments:

survivingmyself said...

a swastika? For real? Fucking unreal man.

and yeah, like you said, you can always count on the news for hard hitting stories like that.

Peter said...

At least there was nothing major going on last night in the world of American politics. *cough*

Also, "water slide races" made me laugh.

Name: Y said...

Weed is legal?

I have to tell someone...

J-Money said...

Upgrading the third world to first world? Brilliant.

Hollywood Sucker said...

survivingmyself- Yes, for real. But it's already been painted over.

peter- Race ya!

name:y- Yeah would you mind sending out a memo?

j-money-Thanks

devin said...

that video makes me hate everything.

Karmen said...

this is why i watch BBC.