Tuesday, April 22, 2008

THE HILLS RECAP: Justin/Bobby: New Hat, New Attitude

Before the recap, let me review some Hills gossip that unfolded during the week.

First of all, I learned (and I was probably the last to know) that Heidi launched her new clothing line, Heidiwood. While I want to hate the name of this line, I actually think it's pretty catchy. I can, however, hate the look of the clothes.

They are the sort of slutty, brightly colored little numbers that you would see in the shops along Hollywood blvd, displayed on a chipped-paint mannequin, near a pair of white patent leather, knee high, platform boots.

I actually went into an Anchor Blue store, where her line is featured, to check it out. There are about 6 total items of clothing, including 2 tight low cut dresses--one purple, one black, both designed for big fake boobs. I honestly don't know where, exactly, a woman is supposed to wear these outfits.

In other Hills news, Spencer and Heidi are probably going to get their own spin off show that follows the pair as they plan for their upcoming wedding. I think the title of this show should be "I'm With Stupid!"

I caught an interview with Heidi last night on E! news, during which she acknowledged that her new show is a real possibility, but that they are going to focus on one more season of The Hills first. Damn!

Enough of all this Heidi business. Now back to Lauren's boring life. Presenting last night's episode, "A New Roommate."

Without missing a beat, Lauren's ditched her overblown internship at Teen Vogue and started her new fake job at People's Revolution alongside old pal Whitney.

Aside from their policy of forcing new employees to come to work dressed in a bath towel, it seems like Lauren is really enjoying her new gig.

I do wish we'd gotten to see the scene where Lauren marches into Lisa Love's office to quit her internship. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. You're cool. I'm out!"

But anyway...

After a hard day of folding clothes and chatting with Whitney, Lauren is ready for a big night out on the town. Lo comes over to help Audrina and Lauren pick out clothes for the evening. In this scene, we can see the BFF dynamic shifting, with Lauren clearly favoring her chat with Lo.

Is there trouble in paradise now that Audrina is pals with Heidi again? And/or has Audrina had enough of Lauren's incessant bitching?

Audrina: Maybeh I should weah...this.
Lauren: I got an A in my imaginary class today! Say, "good job, Lauren."
Audrina: Or I could weah this with these shoes.
Lauren: Ah-hem. I said, "Say 'good job.' "
Lo: What class was it in?
Lauren: Computer class.
Lo: Ooooh computers. Wow, you're smart.
Audrina: (Silence. Fiddles with clothes hangers.)
Lo: Tonight's gonna be awesome. Maybe Heidi will be there!
Lauren: (Glare) Are you kidding me? God, you're so annoying.

Meanwhile, in an identical apartment in Hollywood, Heidi and Stephanie are also getting ready to go out...to the same club as Lauren & Co.

Heidi: Do these shoes make me look slutty?
Stephanie: (sigh) Are they supposed to?
Heidi: Yes.
Stephanie: Then yes.
Heidi: Good. I want to look sexy, even if I don't plan on talking to guys tonight. Because tonight is all about my girls!
Stephanie: Wait, what? Is it girls night AGAIN?
Heidi: Of course! And I can't wait. After Spencer showed up for 5 minutes at girls night last time, I just really really need some time with my friends. You know, no guys. No drama.

Stephanie: (under her breath) Oh my god this is so depressing.
Heidi: What's that?
Stephanie: Nothing. It's just...Some of us LIKE to meet guys. Some of us are still trying to get laid here.
Heidi: You're so funny!
Stephanie: Fine, whatever. Let me get dressed. Can I borrow a shirt or something?
Heidi: Let me put you in something from my new collection, Heidiwood.
Stephanie: For fuck's sake...

And so all of the pretty young things head to Goa.

In this corner, we have team Lauren. (With crossover friend Audrina.)

And in this corner, we have team Heidi. (With crossover friend Stephanie.)

Heidi has spotted Justin/Bobby standing up at the bar. Blast from the past! I wondered what happened to that guy! Anyway, she wants to go over to Lauren's table to tell Audrina. Because everyone just loves to be told when their ex-boyfriend is around...

But Heidi is too afraid to approach the table.

Fortunately, Lauren gets up to get a drink. "Lo, come with me," she says. Could it be any more obvious that she hates Audrina these days?

In Lauren's absence, Heidi swoops in to reveal that Justin/Bobby is present. But eagle-eyed Lauren can spot a betrayal a mile away and is immediately incensed.
Lauren: (to Lo) Oh my god, Heidi is at our table talking to Audrina.
Lo: Do you want me to stab her?
Lauren: What is wrong with you?
Lo: It's just...then we could be roommates.
Lauren: Is that Justin/Bobby sitting with them now?

Yes it is. He's making a triumphant return, this time sporting an amish hat and van dyke beard. He nestles in with the girls and Audrina immediately begins lusting after him.

In a half hearted attempt to act natural, Lauren sits down with the whole gang. This lasts for about 2 minutes, before Lauren's back to her old ways, pitching a fit and acting like a big baby.

Lauren: I need to leave immediately.
Stephanie: Oh.
Lauren: Because, I mean, Heidi is such a bitch.
Stephanie: Yeah, that's...

Lauren stands, adjusts ill-fitting strapless dress.

Lauren: Let's go, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Oh, uh, I think I'm gonna stay here, actually.
Lauren: But I was wronged! Heidi is stealing all of MY friends!
Stephanie: Yeah...you don't really have any friends.
Lauren: I don't need to stand for this. Lo will take my side!
Stephanie: (Snorts laughter) Yeah. I bet she will.

So Lauren stomps off, dragging poor Lo with her. Audrina watches her leave, looking just the tiniest bit thrilled. And then, life carries on without Lauren. And it's a beautiful thing. Everyone laughs and smiles. The air feels lighter.

The next day, Lo drops by to see Lauren and to begin hatching a plot to live together. Apparently Lauren wants to leave her apartment and rent a house instead. Now, I know how difficult it is to find a rental house in LA, which means that unless homegirl moves to Van Nuys, I'll go ahead and assume MTV's bought her a little mansion.

And in this little mansion, Lauren wants to invite everyone to come live together. And by "everyone," she means just her and Lo. Because although they never say they want to find a way to squeeze Audrina out of the deal, they do say things like "Well, she wouldn't want to live with two other roommates anyway." Also, as I've pointed out continuously, it's clear Audrina's found her way onto Lauren's shit list.

But Audrina couldn't care less, because she's off rekindling her romance with Justin/Bobby.

I know what you're thinking. "But...he's awful!" And yes he was awful, but this season he appears to have really cleaned up his act.

Ok, he still makes unfortunate choices in head ware, but in this scene of the two of them, he actually speaks in coherent sentences instead of just sputtering out burps and out-of-date 70s slang words. And he says mind-boggling things like "I need to get my priorities straight," and "I've missed you." And he smiles! And he's actually pretty adorable.

Maybe I'm falling for his crazy ways. Welcome back, Justin/Bobby! I've missed you.

While one relationship appears to be on the up and up, Heidi and Spencer's continues to be a huge time-wasting trainwreck.

Heidi drops by Stephanie's apartment for a visit, but is surprised to learn that Stephanie isn't there. I don't know about you, but I can't remember a time since the invention of the cell phone when I haven't called before stopping by a friend's house. But ok, whatever Heidi, so what's up?

She decides to force herself to chat with Spencer instead, and begins yammering about, what else, but her recent encounters with Lauren. But Spencer, who I adore these days, interrupts her with "I don't really feel like hearing about you going out. You should come back when Stephanie's here." And then, as the dejected Heidi heads for the door, he adds a heartbreaking, "You look great." Ah! Poor dear!

The next day, Lo and Lauren head to lunch. Lo begins, "I was thinking more about the house..." But then Lauren chimes in with, "I haven't really talked to Audrina about it yet." Ah-ha! Of course you haven't. You little so and so.

Do you notice something here? She is wearing Justin/Bobby's old hat! This hat is pure evil and turns whoever wears it into the worse person on the show. Lauren, quick! Take it off before it's too late.

Lauren: Remember that night we met Justin/Bobby? Living with her would be like that all the time.
Lo: She brings dirty boys home.
Lauren: To be fair, they weren't all dirty. He was just exceptionally dirty.

Ok, too late. The hat's already taken effect. God, you are being such a jerk right now Lauren.

Just then, Audrina walks in. Commence awkward conversation:

Lo: So you went out with Justin/Bobby last night.
Audrina: Yeah...

Lo and Lauren exchange prodding glances as if saying "You say something." "No, you say something."

Lauren: So the lease is gonna be up soon. Have you thought about what you're gonna do?
Audrina: No...I guess I thought as my roommate you'd probably discuss it with me.
Lo: Hmm.
Audrina: I mean...
Lauren: Well we've been talking about getting a house.
Audrina: I'd be up for doing that.
Lo: It's just that Lauren and I have been friends for years.
Audrina: I don't get what that has to do with it.
Lauren: So we don't know if you'd be interested.
Audrina: Ok, I just said I would be.
Lo: The social aspect would be different, but good.
Audrina: Seriously. What are you talking about right now? I said I would live with you.
Lauren: Just something to think about.
Audrina: I will live with you if you want me to.
Lauren: Great!

Look, Audrina. You've been making great strides lately and this season you seem to be a lot more "with it." Which is why it surprises me that you didn't pick up on this third wheel position you've been shoved into.

Please, please, just go live by yourself. Or with Justin/Bobby. You don't need these two laming up your social life.


Katelin said...

Man I love your recaps. And I'm pretty sure I say that every week. And a few things:

1. I can't freaking stand Heidi and Spencer's fake fighting. Especially when pics like this come out every other day: http://popsugar.com/1570163
Those hos.

2. Lauren seriously is turning into a bitch, and it needs to stop, asap.

3. JB actually looked decent, I agree. But he still sends off the uber stoner vibe.

4. Man I love this show.

JenBun said...

OK, I STILL don't get it-- are these real, actual people?!? Or are they actors? What is a Justin/Bobby?

I tried to pretend they were just bloggers, and I tried to get their lives, but I can't. I just can't. It may be because I need to watch the show, but that's not going to happen either.

That said, I am ENDLESSLY amused by pretending these are your "friends" and this is what you did last night. Is it OK with you if I just continue imagining that?!?


JenBun the Confused :)

Inono said...

Boy, those spotlights on the girls in the club sure do make it hard for Lauren and Heidi to hide from each other. White light on all that blonde hair is blinding!

And yea, Justin/Bobby did look really cute. Except that he said he hadn't showered in weeks after they hugged. Gross!

devin said...

heidi is starting more and more to look like the stripper/hooker/meth addict that lives next door to us.

will you please write "The Hills: The Movie" ??? Your version is so much more entertaining.

Tia said...

i LOVE your recaps. i've said it before, and i'll say it again.

1. lauren is PATHETIC these days. what the hell? get a life.

2. would it kill Lo to slap on some make up? seriously.

3. stephanie is such an instigator. sneaky girl.

4. i'll just go ahead and say it: i'm actually warming up to the idea of justin bobby. crazy, yes, but true.

5. i love the new "lemme be a complete asshole to heidi all the time" spencer. it's hilarious. "relationship vacation"? yeah, shove it, heidi.

Semi-Charmed said...

Lo used to crack me up, when I think she was being herself and not the person the producers ask her to be... Lately, she's just not that great. I hope the old Lo comes back, since she's going to be on the show more often.
I kinda like Spencer now. And J.B. Lauren makes me roll my eyes over and over again. It's starting to hurt.

Just another silly girl said...

so, we officially got rid of cable this week (the horrors of being in grad school) and I'm missing the hills, so I'm basically living for your recaps. you rock.

also, it's sad that I sometimes can't tell if the dialog you post is funny made up dialog, or actual things that these jackasses have said. that makes me sad for them.

mindy said...

As someone who doesn't actually watch the show but just reads your recaps, could you explain something to me?

Why is he Justin/Bobby? Can we call him Justin OR Bobby or is it like one name: Justinbobby?

Also, I thought Heidi & Spencer were off? Now we're going to have a show of them planning their wedding? So confusing! I am just not smart enough to keep up with all of this!

Kristen said...

I too felt as though Justin/Bobby had changed. Maybe he's finally ready to take off the diapers?

Hollywood Sucker said...

katelin- thank you! yeah I can't wait until the episode where Heidi and Spencer kiss and make up because their fighting is boring as hell.

jenbun- A Justin/Bobby is the name of Justin, Audrina's boyfriend, who calls himself Bobby. No, I'm serious. And so Lauren and Lo started calling him Justin Bobby. And I added a slash for no reason when I typed his name in my recap.

inono- He was probably exaggerating and had only gone a few days without showering.

devin- Sure why not.

tia- you are dead on with all of your points. couldnt agree more.

semi charmed- Yeah Lo is pretty freaking lame.

silly girl- yeah sometimes I cant remember if what I'm typing is made up or accurate.

mindy- for justin/bobby info, see my response to jenbun above. As for Heidi and Spencer, they did break up, but the show taped months ago so in the time since then, they've reunited. Although Heidi says they arent actually engaged any more. And that he's her manager.

kristen- Maybe. I love him.

Lisa said...

Lauren Conrad is SOOOOOOO boring. Why do ppl think she is interesting.

Although I totally love that show and would be totes devestated if/when it goes off the air.

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