We'll begin with the first of the two episodes to air Monday night. (By the way, this double episode madness ends next week when The Paper, a show about high school nerds-- Yippee! At last I can relate to something! --premieres at 10:30.)
So in the episode from last week that I didn't cover--which was boring anyway--Lauren and Stephanie became better friends. Here they are hugging in last night's episode after Lauren invites her new pal to her birthday party at something called S Bar. Stephanie is worried that Spencer will be pissed if she attends the festivities, but we all know where this is going...
And then they part ways.
I just wanted to show you this picture because I realize that if I ever accidentally wandered into the shot when The Hills was being taped, I'd probably look like that sad sack in the background. [Note to self: dress better when in public just in case you come across the Hills cast when they're taping.] [Other note to self: Don't worry about original note. We both know I don't go anywhere cool enough that I might actually encounter the Hills cast.]
Across town, Heidi is ODDLY ENOUGH, not actually at work, but instead lounging around in her house in a dress that is a replica of one that came in the party clothes wardrobe of my Jem doll, circa 1987.
Spencer comes over to get the rest of his stuff. We know this because Heidi greets him with, "So, are you here to get your stuff?"
Now, here's where I start to like Spencer.
He begins the exchange with (and I'm paraphrasing), "So are we together?"
Heidi: Are you saying you want to date other people?
Spencer: No. I'm asking if we're broken up.
Heidi: Because if you want to go out with other girls that's fine.
Spencer: Are we even going out?
Heidi: Because I know I kicked you out of your own apartment and I'm being a total bitch and that we never spend any time together, but that doesn't mean that you should see other people.
Heidi: Ok, you can go now.
I don't really know who MTV wants us to side with here, but I certainly don't care what Heidi's problem is any more. And, I know this might sound weak coming from someone who's made a lot of bad decisions in her own love life, but Heidi, come on, what did you think was going to happen? Of course Spencer is moving on. There are, for some reason, lots of other girls who would love to go out with him. So if you're just going to sit around with your long face, which only gets longer when you mope, he's bound to get over you and your lameness.
Anyway, Lauren and Lo put on stupid hats and pre-game before Lauren's birthday party. They have a chat about how Stephanie might come to the party tonight and blah blah blah. Since the actual conversation is so boring, I've just decided to make up another one.
Lauren: So, are my bangs straight enough? Because I wanted the rest of my hair to say Pollyanna, but I wanted my bangs to mean business.
Lo: Oh totally. You look beautiful. Thank you for bringing me tonight. Happy birthday!!
Lauren: Calm down.
Lo: Sorry! I'm just so excited that we're hanging out. And that we have this time alone. Where's Audrina anyway?
Lauren: I don't know she probably just fell asleep standing up somewhere.
Lo: Yeah! Screw her!
Lauren: I see you put on makeup today.
Lo: YES! A special occasion. Hanging out with my best friend!
Lauren: We're not best friends. Seriously, calm down.
Lo: Sure! Whatever you say! I thought about brushing my hair today, but then I didn't 'cause I didn't want to take attention away from your hair.
Lauren: Good thinking. I spent 4 hours curling it today.
Lo: CHEERS! YAY!
In another apartment, Stephanie is just getting home from a long day of classes, sporting a totally different outfit and hairstyle than she was when she talked to Lauren in the morning.
She is disturbed to see that Spencer has made a mess of the place, and that he brought in his notorious jelly aquarium. She's had enough of him crashing with her and so she asks him, "When are you going to look for a new apartment? And a job?"
Woah woah woah, Steph. A job? Do you even know your own brother? Spencer doesn't have jobs. Ever.
Overall, the conversation in this scene is simply hilarious and I realize that I may have underestimated Spencer.
Stephanie: Spencer, this isn't your apartment. This is mine.
Spencer: It's not an apartment, it's a condo. (Puts food in mouth.)
Stephanie: What are you doing with your life?
Spencer: (mocking) What are you doing with your life?
Stephanie: I'm serious.
Spencer: (Holding up cup full of lip glosses) What are these? What are they doing in your kitchen?
Stephanie: I'm doing you a really big favor.
Spencer: You're doing me a really big favor by letting me sleep on your couch when you have two bedrooms, and one of your bedrooms just has clothes in it.
Stephanie: I've been so cool about this.
Spencer: When does the maid come?
Stephanie: You're looking at her.
Spencer: Well, she needs to get to the sheets on my couch.
Stephanie: (Exasperated stare at Spencer)
Spencer: Well, my dear, I'm going to watch 24, so I would like my bedroom please. (gestures for Stephanie to exit)
Eager to get away from her big brother, Stephanie and some girl named Roxy (give me a break) head to Lauren's party. Manning the door is Heidi's lame minion, Kimberly. As she checks off Stephanie +1 on the guest list, you can just see her bursting with excitement, thinking of how she will get to tell Heidi all about this betrayal she's spotted!
Inside, the girls are showing off all of their awesome, sexy dance moves.
Don't lose your top, Lauren!
And then Stephanie shows up... dun dun duuuuuun!
Immediately, the gang breaks off into two factions who have whisper-yell conversations about the topic at hand. There are those who oppose the Stephanie/Lauren peace accord:
And those who are for it:
But it doesn't really matter what anyone says, because technically Lauren is still driving this bus, and so everyone has to start getting along merrily.
And Heidi's not going to like it.
This is her new space age special jacket which reflects sunlight onto her face and hair, keeping her tanned and bleachy blonde at all times.
While she's sitting in her pretend office, Kimberly drops by to report the previous evening's events.
Recreation of the conversation, sort of:
Kimberly: Last night I was working at S Bar...
Heidi: I know, because I assigned you to work there. I'm the boss, remember?
Kimberly: Right...Anyway, Stephanie was there for Lauren's birthday party.
Heidi: Damn her. Well, thanks for telling me.
Kimberly: Of course.
Heidi: And I see you got the memo I sent out, asking all of the other female employees to wear grandma muumuus so I would be the prettiest. Thanks for following directions.
Kimberly: No problem.
After Kimberly leaves, Heidi calls Spencer.
Heidi: Stephanie went to Lauren's birthday party last night.
So later, Spencer takes it all out on Stephanie and makes her cry. During the argument she begs him to stop having enemies. This is probably pretty good advice, Spence, seeing as your only friend left is Heidi, and she isn't even speaking to you, except when she needs to call to tell you what a bitch Lauren is. Again.
To avoid getting on Heidi's bad side too, Stephanie heads over to her apartment to try to smooth things over.
Heidi: Stephanie, why can't you follow your attire memos as well as the girls at the office? Yes, I said we're going to wear gray stiripes today, but I specifically said you can NEVER be sparklier than me.
Stephanie: Whatever. I came here to talk about my friendship with Lauren.
But of course Heidi just wants to be petty and hold a grudge because it gives her something to think about between pretend meetings at fake work.
So the episode wraps up, and the two girls resolve nothing. Commence meaningful silence: