I know there was another episode on Monday, but I haven't had the time to get into it. Yet.
In the meantime, I am writing about my $600 check from the gov'ment. The economic stimulus payment. You know, the little extra spending money that everyone's getting so that we can all go out and fix the busted economy by buying appliances and nintendo wiis and family dinners at The Spaghetti Factory (or pay some overdue bills and spend what's left at the bar....ahem). The other week, I got my notification in the mail that I was to receive my check in May. The notification came in one of those self contained, all-in-one letter/envelope combos where you have to tear off the little edges to open it up. Step 1, tear this side. Step 2, tear these sides. You know what I mean? Often paychecks come in this format. And always, I get over excited and mess up steps 1 and 2 and rip the whole thing to bits. This was the case with my letter about my $600.
I wish I could scoff at the IRS's offering to me. "600 dollars! Ha! Don't even bother, buddy."
But really, as a girl with an astonishing heap o' debt and about $50 to her name, I'm more like "Wooo Hoo. I'm rich, bitch!"
Do you know how many Taco Bell bean and cheese burritos you can buy with $600? 759!
And $600 is 300 bottles of 2 Buck Chuck.
I believe this is the first time anyone's ever tried to give me money to shut me up and make me like them. Thanks, IRS. No hard feelings! You can have as much of my paycheck as you want from now on.
This got me thinking. I want everyone who has screwed up and/or acted like a jerk and/or made things difficult for me to pay me $600. If this happened, I'd be a lot happier AND have a lot more money.
Here's the list I have, so far, of people who owe me $600:
- All of my present and past health insurance carriers. Because you were up to some pretty tricky business and you know it and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
- The tequila I drank the other weekend. Are you trying to kill me? I know you're not a person. But still, you totally ruined Easter.
- Hummer drivers. Seriously, sir? You look like an asshole, trust me. No one, but you, thinks that you're cool. I promise you that every time you drive by, there is not a single pedestrian or passenger in a nearby car who looks at you and your hummer and says to themselves, "Wow. He is awesome. And rich and sexy. He must get lots of women and have a legitimate record company and/or clothing line." No, everyone thinks you're a douchebag. But that's not why you owe me $600. Because if you want to drive around looking ridiculous, that's your call. But to drive a car that is a lane and a half wide, and that requires 5 gallons of gas just to get you to the gym and back everyday, well that's just irresponsible. You are ruining the world. Now pay me!
- The woman I got in my first car accident with in LA. I know it was my fault because I was on my phone and wasn't really paying attention and just drove into you. And I don't get how your car was assembled so delicately that it basically burst open like a pinata when I hit you. But the point is that like 2 months later, when I was driving through the same intersection, I realized that you'd said that you were coming from the Target right up the street. But there's a sign at the exit of the Target parking lot that says you can't turn left...and yet you had to have turned left to be coming from the direction you were coming from. So it's sort of, kind of, your fault too. And I'd just feel better if you paid me.
- Eli Roth, the creator of the Hostel movies, and James Wan and Leigh Whannell, the creators of Saw. What is WRONG with you people? Your movies are disgusting, and a complete waste of time. And now there are dozens of movies that copy yours and so once a week I have to watch scary previews with people getting their eyes gouged out and their tongues cut open. And how can this possibly be a good contribution to the world? Are you proud of yourselves? And worst of all, now you're rich! So pay me $600, each of you.
- My most recent ex boyfriend. Because he was such a dick.
- The previous owners of Midge, Sarge, and Seamus. Because they didn't look after them properly and so we had to take over. And vets and food and fun toys for them all add up. So $600 is the least you can do.
I'm sure I'll think of more later, but so far the total amount I should be receiving is: $7800, not counting the infinite number of hummer owners.
And now for the poll: tell me, who owes you $600?