Wednesday, April 2, 2008

This isn't about The Hills, it's about $600

I know there was another episode on Monday, but I haven't had the time to get into it. Yet.

In the meantime, I am writing about my $600 check from the gov'ment. The economic stimulus payment. You know, the little extra spending money that everyone's getting so that we can all go out and fix the busted economy by buying appliances and nintendo wiis and family dinners at The Spaghetti Factory (or pay some overdue bills and spend what's left at the bar....ahem). The other week, I got my notification in the mail that I was to receive my check in May. The notification came in one of those self contained, all-in-one letter/envelope combos where you have to tear off the little edges to open it up. Step 1, tear this side. Step 2, tear these sides. You know what I mean? Often paychecks come in this format. And always, I get over excited and mess up steps 1 and 2 and rip the whole thing to bits. This was the case with my letter about my $600.

I wish I could scoff at the IRS's offering to me. "600 dollars! Ha! Don't even bother, buddy."

But really, as a girl with an astonishing heap o' debt and about $50 to her name, I'm more like "Wooo Hoo. I'm rich, bitch!"

Do you know how many Taco Bell bean and cheese burritos you can buy with $600? 759!

And $600 is 300 bottles of 2 Buck Chuck.

I believe this is the first time anyone's ever tried to give me money to shut me up and make me like them. Thanks, IRS. No hard feelings! You can have as much of my paycheck as you want from now on.

This got me thinking. I want everyone who has screwed up and/or acted like a jerk and/or made things difficult for me to pay me $600. If this happened, I'd be a lot happier AND have a lot more money.

Here's the list I have, so far, of people who owe me $600:

- All of my present and past health insurance carriers. Because you were up to some pretty tricky business and you know it and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

- The tequila I drank the other weekend. Are you trying to kill me? I know you're not a person. But still, you totally ruined Easter.

- Hummer drivers. Seriously, sir? You look like an asshole, trust me. No one, but you, thinks that you're cool. I promise you that every time you drive by, there is not a single pedestrian or passenger in a nearby car who looks at you and your hummer and says to themselves, "Wow. He is awesome. And rich and sexy. He must get lots of women and have a legitimate record company and/or clothing line." No, everyone thinks you're a douchebag. But that's not why you owe me $600. Because if you want to drive around looking ridiculous, that's your call. But to drive a car that is a lane and a half wide, and that requires 5 gallons of gas just to get you to the gym and back everyday, well that's just irresponsible. You are ruining the world. Now pay me!

- The woman I got in my first car accident with in LA. I know it was my fault because I was on my phone and wasn't really paying attention and just drove into you. And I don't get how your car was assembled so delicately that it basically burst open like a pinata when I hit you. But the point is that like 2 months later, when I was driving through the same intersection, I realized that you'd said that you were coming from the Target right up the street. But there's a sign at the exit of the Target parking lot that says you can't turn left...and yet you had to have turned left to be coming from the direction you were coming from. So it's sort of, kind of, your fault too. And I'd just feel better if you paid me.

- Eli Roth, the creator of the Hostel movies, and James Wan and Leigh Whannell, the creators of Saw. What is WRONG with you people? Your movies are disgusting, and a complete waste of time. And now there are dozens of movies that copy yours and so once a week I have to watch scary previews with people getting their eyes gouged out and their tongues cut open. And how can this possibly be a good contribution to the world? Are you proud of yourselves? And worst of all, now you're rich! So pay me $600, each of you.

- My most recent ex boyfriend. Because he was such a dick.

- The previous owners of Midge, Sarge, and Seamus. Because they didn't look after them properly and so we had to take over. And vets and food and fun toys for them all add up. So $600 is the least you can do.

I'm sure I'll think of more later, but so far the total amount I should be receiving is: $7800, not counting the infinite number of hummer owners.

And now for the poll: tell me, who owes you $600?


rachel elizabeth said...

oh my godddd, best post ever. you're hilarious.

the asshole that RAN INTO MY CAR AND THEN LEFT definitely owes me $600 (x3) because really. what a douchebag.


Mano said...

I am Canadian and generally enjoy a visit to the USA every now and then but...Columbus Ohio (the city, not the people) owes me $600 dollars for being shit. I was there last weekend and it sucks - HARD for several reasons. To sum it up the place was a mud pit with cheerleaders (and a slightly better soccer team). Cheers!

surviving myself said...

the creators of The Hills.

also, I enjoy hearing you rant.

Heather said...

I found your blog on 20 something bloggers. I have read for quite some time now but have never commented. This post and the one about the Hills had me just rolling. You are too funny. I can't even begin to list who owes me $600.00.

Inono said...

1. Fed Ex for taking 3 days to deliver a package from Marina del Rey to Hollywood, when we paid for it to be overnighted. Also, I would like an additional $600 from the lying liar who answered the phone. She first claimed it was an address error, then a lost package error, then a weather error. Nice lady, way to cover all bases.

2. The guy in the car behind me who honked at me and then sped by me and flicked me off when I refused to turn left when there were no cars coming but there were people in the crosswalk.

That's for today...

Katelin said...

what a brilliant idea of a post, i love it.

and i say, the person that dented my car and didn't leave a note owes me 600$, my friend who's having a wedding on a friday in south carolina owes me 600$ because really who can afford to go to your wedding on a friday?! and um i think i'll take my health care up on 600$, i could use it right about now.

Felicia said...

Agree about Hummer drivers--Fricking D-bags! Everybody I've ever known should owe me $600, but most of all the band Creed for making such shitty music and making my ears bleed.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

1) time warner cable for continuing to charge me for cable when i specifically said 'turn off my cable.'

2) my shift key for not really working anymore meaning capitalization is out of the question UNLESS YOU USE CAPS LOCK AND REALLY, THAT'S NOT MY STYLE.

3)my college roommate who thought it was okay to sleep in my bed.

4)people who say 'heighth.' all of them. that is one bazillion injustice dollars right there.

5) there are lots more.

nicoleantoinette said...

Fuck, you're so clever and hilarious.

I'd never have to work a day in my life if this formula was real. So.. get on that.

The person who broke into my car last weekend owes me $600. So do most of my family members, just for putting up with them.

just me said...

Apparently, I OWE the IRS $600.

I much does that fucking suck?

I suppose they'll be wanting my soul next.

Corinne said...

Aw fuck.

1. To Los Angeles County, for summoning me to jury duty. I don't believe in juries. Juries let OJ and Michael Jackson go free. Every idiot in this country is qualified to be summoned for jury duty -- do you have any idea what a retarded concept that is? I sure as hell wouldn't want a bunch of people with no college degree, not to mention no law degree, deciding if I should go to jail or not. Besides, I believe people on trial are, by default, more likely guilty than not. So please, pay me $600 for the giant pile of Suck that will be the month of April.

2. The neighbors upstairs for tap-dancing, cart-wheeling with clogs, and trance music, every night, at 1 am.

3. Every driver in Beverly Hills on my commute to and from work. Your don't signal, you think a signal means SPEED UP SO FEMALE IN NISSAN HERE CAN'T PASS, EVER, you can't maneuver an stop-signed intersection for shit, your single-digit IQ can't figure out what a FLASHING red light means, you never shut up on your cellphone, you never stop texting, you tail-gate, you have a small penis, your jeep sucks, your beamer sucks, your hummer sucks, your PRIUS SUCKS -- OH MY GOD DOES IT SUCK, your maltipoo -- whose head should NOT be sticking out of the window as your cruise 50 -- sucks, your pugapoo sucks, your labradoodle sucks, your goldendoodle sucks, your fake hair sucks, your fake tan sucks, your fake boobs suck, your fake nose sucks, your fake nails suck, YOU suck.

4. Every guy who's said they would call and didn't, every guy who called without getting the message, the guy who freshman year freaked me the fuck out by showing up everywhere and later left a home videotape dedicated to me, whose contents will remain unknown forever, with his friend after he dropped out after the first semester, every guy who bailed once he got what he wanted, every guy who never gave me what I wanted, every guy except a small percentage, most of which I have yet to meet. Yes.

So. Yes. I'll take 600 dollars. I take cash, credit or Guess giftcards.

Julie_Gong said...

I usually flip the bird and call Hummer drivers terrorists. It's a fun game.

I think Nickelback should send me $600 every time I have to hear one of their stupid ass songs. And for just generally sucking. Hard.

Hollywood Sucker said...

rachel- Someone did that to my sister's car too. I think there's a mad man on the loose!

mano- Ha, love it. I've never been, but I can just imagine...

surviving- Oh, get over it. You looove The Hills.

heather- Thanks for reading. Nice to hear you speaking up! I'll have to check out your blog too.

inono- Fedex done did you wrong. Oh, and I KNOW YOU. (hehe)

katelin- did you see rachel's comment above? there is an epidemic of hit and runs. we must do something? why isn't anyone talking about THIS important issue in debates?

felicia- oooo good call. "With arms wide open" makes be wanna vomit.

lover/fighter- good starter list. bummer about the shift key. i'm Going To ShoW OFF My wORKing one Now. HA HA

nicole- I agree. You need $600 and some new gym clothes.

just me- the IRS owes you $600 for having the balls to ask you for $600 in the first place. so THERE.

corinne- I'm so with you on demanding $600 from every asshole guy who didn't call, ask me on a second date, ask me on a real date but just wanted me to come over and "watch a movie." Jerks!

julie gong- Look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me laugh. Barf. Do I owe you $600 now for typing out the lyrics?

JenBun said...

OK, I'm going to just list the people who owe me $600 from today (keeping in mind, it's 10:09 am), because the list from my whole life would be too long:

- The weirdo lady driving around in her bra. WTF? It's COLD today-- who drives around in their bra? It wasn't even a sports bra. She confused me, and that could have made me have an accident. $600 for idiocy and potential accident-causing.

- The douche in the giant black pickup with the matte paint who sped up to beat me into the parking lot and stole the best spot. AND he didn't even wave to the handicapped guy who chills out front and waves to everyone. $600 for rampant douchebaggery.

- Whoever made my coffee this morning-- it's all sludgy and gross and it doesn't taste right. (Oh shit, did I make the coffee this morning?)($600 to myself for crappy coffee-making skillz, yo.)(Call it even?)

- Cute Boy, who said he would call me back last night, but didn't, thus causing me to think about it when I woke up this morning. "Hey, he never called!" $600.

- The other guy, with whom I made naughty plans for this week, who hasn't gotten back to me. (Yet?) $600 for even thinking about making me wait.

- You know what? I'm with you and Corinne-- every guy who didn't call, who was a jerk, who didn't "click," who wasn't good in bed, who disappointed any of us in any way... $600 and a big F*&@ YOU!!!

I'm in the money!

devin said...

I want $600 from the fucking dumbass president, who thinks that further bankrupting the country by sending everyone a check for $600 will 'stimulate' the economy. they call this asshole the "MBA" president. Well, I don't have an MBA but I do know that giving away $145 billion is no way to make an economy in recession more stable.

Kristen said...

You know what I think about sometimes? Wouldn't it be SO COOL if we got back every single dollar we've ever spent at Starbucks, if we got one bulk check of everything we've ever made in the "working world," and if we got back all the money we spent on college text books? (and that doesn't count the 50% less than what you originally spent on them at the beginning of the year). Oh well, we all can dream!

Peter said...

I feel like I haven't been bringing my A game when it comes to my comments lately. Expect your $600 check next week.

As for me, I feel like the douche bag who created Family Guy owes me $600. The New England Patriots owe me $600 for cheating all the damn time.

Hmm. I used to be angrier at more people. I'm mellowing!

mano: Go Toronto FC!!!!

Julie_Gong said...

yes. yes you do.

saratogajean said...

I'm late to the game but tired of being a "lurker," so here's my list:

1. My old-ass boss for expecting me to water his office plants. I'll do it, gladly--for $600. For free, I'll spray them daily with Round-Up and feign surprise when they die.

2. My stupid, lazy, sitting-on-the-porch-drinking-Colt-45-at-noon-on-a-Wednesday, neighbors who smash their empty 40oz. bottles in my front yard. Yes, I hear you sniggering as I sweep them up AGAIN every Sunday morning. $600. Pay up, bitches. I'll accept food stamps.

3. The owner of a light-blue somethingorother who scraped my car in the parking lot over the Christmas holiday. Yes, I know it was a while ago, and yes, I know it was blue thanks to the racing stripe you left down the side of my maroon car, and yes, $600 is probably more than my car is worth, but still--you owe me.

4. The kings/queens of the world who throw their cigarette butts out of their car windows. Of course I understand that you don't want your car to smell like *gasp* cigarette smoke, but seriously? Just throwing them out the window? You owe me $600 for all the time I've spent reporting you to North Carolina's "Swat a Litterbug" campaign. Yup, I'm the one who's been reporting you. Hope you enjoyed your mildly threatening letters from the Director of Transportation.

That's it for now. You rock.